The hardest part about
Growing
Is fighting
This sense of time
Running out,
Of wishing
I can do better than I did,
Wondering
What happens if I don't,
Dreading
What happens if I can't

Many black suns
Fly through my fingers,
As I close one eye
And open the other,
Pulsing in beat to my dreams.

Returning now to the scene of the crime.

I was a different man.

At a different time and a different place,
I will find one person the same

Almost had it,
I was clean again.
Got a prayer, got a mantra, got sober again.

But that was yesterday,
I ******* up once more today.
I broke up, broke down, gave in today.

I don't wanna believe it, i thought I had it.
I was feeling good, wrote a diary entry for it.

Can't give up, I've ruled that out.
It's really very tempting though, to take that route.
Got to pull myself together, and just try, try again.
Can't let everyone down, that's just insane.

But what about how I feel? I'm not happy here!
And really this is the thought that defeats me here

And brings me down and weakens me,
Destroys my immunity,
Till I just can't see
Right from wrong,
What's here and what's gone,
Till I just can't care anymore,
Like ... Who am I doing this for?

I use a word to describe a feeling.
When I have a new feeling,
Do I need a new word?
Can I use an old word?

If I thought I loved,
Could I have been wrong?
Does it mean I lied,
If I said I did,
When I thought I did,
But didn't,
and didn't know that I didn't?

If I feel something new,
Can I call it love ?

Do I still need
To call the old feeling love
Too ?

My happiness is under my control.
So what does it mean that I am unhappy?
Do I want to be unhappy?
Do I not know how to be happy?
Did I know how to be happy but have now forgot it?
Surely one of these must be true,
But which one?