Last night I dreamt of you.
All the same years had passed still
You moved behind me as my breathe caught
and I prepared myself to remain unseen (Just like I used to)
But light as ash your fingers fell upon my right hip, and then my left-
like a secret
Signaling to me in silence
(Just like you used to)
That I was still what you wanted
A current buzzed hot across my back and around my thighs, same as before
I remember now, even with my eyes open.
My limbs don’t need to ask where else this feeling is familiar
But I’ll still wonder why it’s never left me
And why you did
Questions unanswered that were born and then abandoned but never forgotten
I know what it was to be sick for you and waiting
In forlorn reflections of black mirrors
Across state lines
In empty hallways, unperceived
You’d touch my hips left then right
I’m a live wire.
Once more, a secret only I know
A pistol with her silencer
How good it’s always felt to be remembered by you.

I've been waiting for you
For a full Earth's rotation around the sun.
And I've looked everywhere
At the **** of three hundred and sixty-five cigarettes,
And in three hundred and sixty-five last sips of wine
In the last few seconds of songs sung
By forlorn ex-lovers
And I think maybe
It's at one of these ends
That I'll find you
Because the end is where I saw you last
So in three hundred and sixty-five nights of never quite
Falling asleep
I've merely been
Falling
Looking at the ends of cigarette butts, bottles, and ballads
For the end
The one you wrote
So that I can rewrite it.

They call it being the big spoon
The Big Dipper of the bodies
And you insisted on that being your job.
But it was the middle of the night
And you turned over
Letting me press my body against your back.
Fitting myself into all your open spaces
Nothing breathed between us
You reached out your arm
Pulling mine up and over
Hugging my hand to your bare chest.
And I
Listened,
My ear to your back
My hand to your heart
We beat in unison
And I
I couldn't tell who's heart was who's.
Tracing the freckles on your back.
Using the tips of my fingers
And my lips
To connect the constellations
Your skin glowed as if touched by stars
They are imbedded in your skin.
How were we supposed to know
That beneath the surface of your porcelain
That you were burning alive.
For the stars weren't those you wish upon
But those that scorch you from the inside out.
The ones that set you on fire
How were we to know that the constellations imbedded in your back
Were not constellations at all,
But veins filled with poison.
A cancer feeding on you
Destroying what you are
Burning stars,
Poisonous, deathly stars,
That big spoon
Pouring hot acid through your bones
Extinguishing the light that once enveloped you.
You lay here
And your eyelashes
They start to fall to your cheeks
You cry and
I say
Beautiful.
Glowing from the inside out,
I traced the Big Dipper into your back
How was I to know you were burning.

Make a wish, baby
It's not over until you stop fighting.

My head tilted back like I was
Tasting raindrops
But what fell to my mouth was you
Cradling my jaw in your hands
Steady
As if I were a porcelain doll you might drop
It felt like goodbye
Because it was
And now I am afraid to turn corners
Locked in a haunted house
What will drop from the ceiling
Grab my leg
What will scare me back into submission
Besides you mounting someone outside
Which is perhaps
The most disturbing of all
How you wanted me until suddenly
You didn't
And how I didn't believe you
And how you fed me excuses like pacifiers
Quieting. Comforting. Soothing.
But I spit those out
Realizing their purpose was to
Quiet me into letting you go without a fight
But I took out my fists and fought like hell
You held them and pleaded with me to put my guns away
Surrender my weapons
And let you go in peace
This was all for you.
It was easier
For you
And only you
But what about me.
Grabbing at every part of myself
Pulling hair from my head and scratching flesh from my bones
Slowly and painfully pulling myself apart
Abandoning parts of me in gutters and streams
out windows and in ditches
I can't be myself anymore
Every inch of my flesh has your name written on it
Scratched in a pen using your own blood as ink
You sacrificed for me
And I for you
And we sat on a rock and smelled ocean and let the water spray our faces until we were sticky and wet and still we sung.
We had songs
Some silent, but I could hear the music when there was none.
I still do.
I can't look up down left or right without some yellow light telling me to
Slow down to a stop and take caution,
for a reminder is coming hard and fast your way.
Airbags go
*****-slapping me in the face for being stupid
For having been smart and throwing my morals to the wind
I'd like to regret you
But I don't
I'd like to hate you
But I can't
This makes me weak yes I know this
But
I gave you all the parts of me that were strong
And mere visions of you take the wind from my lungs and you use them to set your sails
You're a deep sea diver.  Swimming. Living. Lying.
And I drown here.
You told me once that when I jump from a plane
The moment my parachute refuses to open
You'd be there carrying me to the ground
I won't let you fall, you said.

Look at me and I'll look at you
Give to me what you used to
Do to me what you used to do
Kiss me
Reminisce with me
Extend your hand
Pull my fingers into yours
Leading me through those double doors
Mess up your bed
My heart
My head
Piece together your reasons in a picture you like
Shatter my picture on the floor
Step tip-toe around the pieces
Don't cut your feet on your way out the door
Just leave me bleeding in a heap on the ground
Reaching all around
Frantically gathering
Piling
Frantic Panic
Pieces and shards,
They're missing
I'd like to think they've imbedded themselves in your feet when you left
Maybe you still feel me every time you step
That sting.
Pinch.
Reminder of what you had and
Broke.
Took, cradled, coddled, and dropped
Too heavy in your arms my burden was
You cry
Tell me you're so sorry
That you want me it's just that
You can't anymore
Take your tears
Dampen a cloth
And wipe the blood from my chest
Reveal the gaping hole
Gaze into it like an orb
Remember what was
What you took from me and what I gave
What you gave to me and what I took
And I'm sorry about that
I can't give it back
Fill this hole in my chest with that which I lack
I want all of you
Every part
Your cracking neck and knuckles
The stupid way you dress
And that head of yours
Filled with intellect, goodness, and laughter
I want that too
I just beg of you to
Remember
Who I am and who you are
I'll wait for now
Until you do
Hold my jaw in your hands
Realize what's between your
Palms
A second chance
Don't let me go this time
I'll hold you up
Carry you
Carry me and
Hold me up
Just a moment and you ease me to the ground
In a pile of my blood and reasons
Curled into a ball
Fists in the splinters
Head to the floor
I feel the vibrations of your leaving feet
****** footprints out the door

I thought of you today
Waking up with you as the backs of my eyelids isn't promising
I can't even blink you away
So I cover my eyes with my hands
Hoping for the darkness to muddle your features
But you've imprinted yourself on the palms of my hands
And so I see you
There's no escaping it today
For today is just one of those days
Where every wall I see,
You're a brick
And every sip of water I take,
You're a drop
And every song I listen to,
You're the voice
And I can't stop hearing it
I climb some trees
To get high off of the earth
I smoke some trees
To get higher still
I then grip my fist
Ripping flesh into ****** knuckles upon it's precious trunk
Holding my hand up to my eyes
Looking at the damage that's been done
Much more than the surface of the skin could ever show
But I look still
Blood and tears drip down my wrist
I turn my hands over
But all that punching
Didn't get you out
For you're still tattooed into the palms of my hands

You find love in a beer and a body part
You find love in *******. In pretending. In power.
You find you feel powerless. You find yourself scared.
You run
Taking with you your end of the tin can telephone we made together
My fingers hold tight. Wrapped around the cylinder like a grenade
I wont let it explode
"I'm sorry" you whisper. "This isn't what I want"
Your head turned, doubt flashes like lightening
Electric across your face.
Then stop running, I shout.
"This is the only way"
Your oblivion. Your fears. Your ignorance.
They cloud your ability to hear
And suddenly you aren't receiving
And so I run to you
Grab your resistant wrists with my fists and plead
Press my excuses into your skin and beg that you stay and absorb them
With a cloth and some bitter spit, you wipe my words away.
The truth gone
Only your notions of what it means to be loved remain.
But I could have.

My house is a silent house
But listen closely
And you'll hear the ever-turning scratch of the ceiling fan
The constant ticking of the grandfather clock
Passing cars and heavy wind vibrating the windows
Looking out, the trees are sighing
Dying
Every leaf panicking with each eager gust
What is nature seeing?
What does it hear?
Observing me as I observe it
My slow and steady silent sighs
My thumping heart's persistent slamming
Increasing with speed at passing thoughts
My gulping down of liquid memories
My bones creaking and aching with pangs of rejection
Overgrown nails scratching at the surface of my skin.
Digging to get rid of an unceasing itch.
Untouchable.
Are the trees digesting that which my body refuses?
My teeth pressing themselves into the plush pillows of my lips
Keeping blood where my face has otherwise drained itself.
Pale as the undead.
Walking mindlessly.
Heartlessly.
Silent footsteps radiate this house's skeleton.
Rattling bones.
Climbing the ribcage,
Pulling up through the spaces
Sit for awhile. Watch the crimson muscle pump
The sound of my wandering eyes looking around for salvation.
The creak in my neck as I turn my head from its position of elongated staring.
Staring at nothing. Nothing is left.
Shifting uncomfortably in a chair too hard
Oceans built up against the dams behind my eyes waiting to be released into canals down my cheeks and neck
Settling into t-shirt stains that wont wash out
No one is left.
My house is a silent house.
Feel my rivers flowing.
Hold fast to them if you can and drown me.
And I will fall clamorously to sleep.

What if it's a matter of faith
You have it and I
Do not.
Perhaps that is the line that you
Refuse to cross
It's a thick deep line
Drawn in the sands
You stay on the shore
Yell to me as I'm pulled out to sea
You think I drown here, in this body of fluid doubt
You're so sturdy, strong, safe upon the shore
Do I need saving?
I'm fine swimming on my own
Though you may see my treading water as
Drowning
I assure you, I'm not
It feels right here
Saturating myself in salty waters
While you sit and hold fast to flowing sands through your fingers
Worrying that I don't know what's out there
Thinking I'm a lost cause
A man of land,
I myself, merely a wave
I kiss the shore only to be pulled back out
Two worlds that collide at the line
I don't need the oxygen that you need to survive
There is no island,
No Oasis
This is all it can be
And so I'll meet you at the line
Begging you dip your toes
Hands
Splash your face
"No" you say
"But please" I beg.
"Don't go."
I promise there is sand at the bottom of the ocean,
Land isn't all there is
There is infinite sky
We can transcend this
Maybe
Sure we could try,
But what's the point?
There is no middle ground
There's a line neither of us will cross
This can't be it.
But it could be.
I can't survive in your world
Nor you in mine
It's a matter of faith
You have it and I
Do not.
It's that line in the sand
We
Refuse to cross.
But I want to.
Just to have you.
I'd sacrifice my life
But not myself
So yell to me from your precious sands
We'll remain like this
Longing like this
Until this dividing line
This insignificantly significant line,
Is washed away by my
Persistent waves
And you're anguished enough
To tread with me.

I want a book to fall into.
I want to be a part of someone else's torment
A head congested with negativity and a distracting certainty of that which I cannot know for sure
Is in itself a truth
I want to tumble into pages
Fall between the words and hang on to a question by the tip of Q's tail
Conquer U, E, S, T, I, like monkey bars
And slide myself through "O" down the rabbit hole
Taking me far away to a land unlike this one
Where a distressed and questioning mind are put at ease
Where rabbits have pocket watches, cats grin, teacakes make you taller and smaller
And boys still want you
Forget the "N" because that would mean we've reached the end of an unanswerable question
One I'm tired of asking.