She wishes she could feel her hipbones through her jeans
But instead she rubs the bones in her wrist
A silent reminder of what she is working towards
A reminder of how amazing it will feel when the purity of her bones shines through her skin
Because bones look so fragile
But can bare so much before the break
And that’s all she's ever wanted to be
Delicate on the outside and strong on the inside
But somewhere along the way
She's gotten the rolls in reverse and
Suddenly she has become so weak on the inside
While becoming a mess of blurred edges and too wide lines on the outside

I wonder how it feels to know that the couch you're sitting on is the same one your best friend made me scream on last night,
And I wonder if it would bother you that it's his hand that is ghosting across my hip bones now
It's too ******* bad if it does because you tossed me aside and I've made myself forget what your smile looks like and how your hands felt against my stomach, and I've cleared you out of my head
And replaced you with him.

I used to think I could fix the world
With bad metaphors and similes
But then I learned that everyone was trying to do the same thing
And suddenly it was less about fixing the world and more about
Fixing myself
Until I found that
I can do neither particularly well.

But her body isn't meant for him to use
And her soul isn't something that’s optional
Its all or nothing with her
And he has yet to figure that out
And until he does
She tries to piece herself together
As fast as he tires her apart

"The last girl that was here still has the scar on her knee" he says, laughing between words, grinning at some joke she can't seem to find.
She feels her smile go brittle and start to pull down at the edges.
She can feel something inside her break open, letting the cold sink into her bones.
She knew she wasn't the first, and she doubted she would be the last (no matter what he told her) but it was different to hear it coming from his lips.
To hear she's just another conquest, another notch in his belt, being reduced to something less than a person, a number.
A part of her knows he didn’t mean it, that those bullets from his mouth weren't meant for her, that his laugh is directed at someone other than her.
But she's the one sitting in his lap, shirt on the floor, heart in her throat. Praying she hasn’t made a mistake, that he will still look at her like the world starts and ends in her eyes even after she buttons her shirt.

Let him spit his words down your throat
Relish in the feeling of them sliding down like razor blades
Tell yourself that you deserve this
That
This is what love really is
It is pain and suffering and loving someone so much that it doesn’t matter how many times they spit venom in your face
Because they still hold you and tell you that they love you at night
Sometimes
But usually only after you've let them use your body and called it passion
Tell yourself every morning that this is love and this is what you need
Never think you deserve better
Let yourself start to fall apart at the seems from trying so hard to keep them happy
To change your hair
Your clothes
Your favourite ice cream
To change yourself
Let them destroy you and call it love
Because that's what you deserve,
Right?

Because god I can feel the words crawling up my throat and I can't breathe and a part of me is okay with that and a part of my doesn’t want to breathe if it means this pain will only get stronger
And I cant seem to think of anything but your finger tips and your voice and my god I wish I didn’t because it only makes the hurricane in my chest get louder and it only makes my lip quiver and my hands shake
And there's so many words, god so many words but they never fit together right and I could never use enough of them to describe the way the sun dances in your eyes and I wish to god I could and I wish to god I couldn’t
Because you're the one part of myself that I actually liked but now I'm just a cluster of hard edges and unfinished drawings and I don’t know how to make the hurricane stop and I don’t know how to take your voice out of my veins
But I want to god, I want to and I want to go back to when you held my hand and the way your finger tips felt against my skin
And when I wanted them to be rough and harsh because it would make it easier to keep you out if you were everything I didn’t need but my god they were soft and warm and they made the oxygen leave my lungs and they drowned out the noise in my head and it only made it worse
Because now I don’t know how to block you out of my veins when you're already the air I breathe
But I need to because my god your eyes could bring down stars and your voice could end wars but you're so much better than me and I can't bare the thought of watching the light leave your eyes when you figure that out
And you're so good and pure and I'm darkness and the monsters in my head and my god I would ruin you and my god you’ve already ruined me and I don’t know how to breathe
And I cant breathe and nothing about the way you look at me is pure but that doesn’t change the way your shoulders look as if they could carry the world and yet it doesn’t matter
Because you're so much better than me
And my god I'm darkness and monsters and I don’t want the monsters to touch you because you're the greatest force of good I've ever met and I couldn’t bare to let my darkness taint that