When my brain is empty
And my heart sits tight
I make sure to loosen the chains of comfort
Before bleeding ink on paper
I loosen up the strain of worry
My wrist sketching freely in front of me
While my lungs breathe for a first time again
And my blood runs with each stroke
So I can taste freedom on my tongue

I stand in my crowd, you in yours
my gaze on you, my heart endures.
Hiding away in hundred glances
hoping you’d find mine by any chances.
And yet it’s good that you don’t see
this weak and foreign side of me.

You in your crowd, I in mine
your smile and laugh are so divine.
Even if it’s not for me,
I look at you heart-achingly.
But you don’t smile at me no more,
And I feel stupid hoping for.

I always felt jealous when it came to friends
But not to mine if it makes amends
No, the ones you see that have each other
While I for them am just “another”

I don’t feel like I’m deserving
Of no friends - just lostly swerving
Cause I am honest, smart and kind
Yet no true ones I ever seem to find

Or am I not honest, kind and smart
And they just told me for their own heart
Because I never thought that might be me
The one without friends - a different she

The one without friends - you call a loser
That weird freak - the lonely cruiser
Who has no one but herself
Looking at old memories on the shelf

Because it had not always been like this
Not always a lonely, dark abyss
There was a time where there was light
And always a friend that stayed in sight

But we slowly drift apart
The friendship dying like forgotten art
And no one wants to be - choose her
Because after all she was just a lonely, worthless loser

You remind me of the moon

Calm and collecting

Mesmerising whilst reflecting

Yet I plead you not to swoon

You look at my face

Like I give you the stars

While you cherish my scars

With every single trace

With every pencils brush

You make me flush

Your eyes they shine

Alone in mine

My mind tells me not to
But I can’t help but fall for you.
Your smile makes my heart sting
But your laugh quietens my beliefs.
My head wants to quit
But my heart tells me not to.
I am confused
About how I feel about you.

You feel this heaviness in your chest,
Like wet cotton soaking with emotions
When it gets dark it swells and grows,
Finally freed of the scrutinising rays of sun
This cotton wet and soaked clouds your mind
The liquid dripping from the pores
Unable to hold it back as it slips through your grip
Running down your skin calmly
Not caring about the cold trace it leaves
It runs hot like blood but gentle like water,
As the aching grows stronger and the cotton turns to steel
But not cold, calm and smooth steel
No, the kind that burns and melts inside of you, branding a hole through your core
Your body throbs, the liquid rushing while you gasp for air
Until your cotton is no longer soaking wet, no single drop
Yet it fills you out, still robbing breaths,
You can’t get rid of it
And acceptance follows exhaustion in the darkness that feels empty after the storm

When you appear at night and kiss my crown
But disappear right before dawn
When I still feel your touch post-awaking
Which leaves me yearning for your making
But then I meet you not in dream
And notice how little to you I mean
So I endure in quiet despair
This self-induced haunting nightmare

“How could anyone hate the rain?”

I ask myself

“How can something so wild and beautiful
not soothe, comfort one-kind?”

But then I realise that rain is art and art is meant to comfort the disturbed and disturb the comforted

So I guess I am disturbed and yet comforted by the presence of teardrops falling from the sky alone

A thousand kisses brace my skin that took all the way from the ocean to me

It feels like a confession

A sign of love so wild and unconditional
so brutal and so honest

Yet people fail to understand that this love
is not meant to be pleasant

It can be cold and painful
unforgiving and off-throwing

This love is not meant to be easy at all times

And the way the ocean's love comes unconditionally
I might as well reciprocate it

Allowing myself to just close my eyes and feel

Because that is how I feel about the storm and the breeze, the warm and the cold,
the loud and the quiet, the wild and the calm

Because I love the rain how it loves me.

Of course I didn't tell you that.
Especially after you so excitedly declared your love for it.
You looked at me expectantly.
So I agreed.
Even though I hate the rain.
I hate how cold and clammy it makes you feel.
But I guess for you I could romanticise it.
I really tried to.
Every time it rained I looked up at the sky and thought of how much I loved it.
Even when it got colder.
Even when it was stormy.
I could convince myself that I loved the rain.
But one day after a really bad storm,
I stood there, soaking wet, asking myself
When I had started to love the rain so much that I grew used to being uncomfortable.
Because I had to do it for you. Right?
Because I loved you.
But at that point I wondered if the rain wasn't too cold for me after all.
Because then I remembered that I don’t have to love the rain.

I hate your ****** jokes and your stupid smile.
I hate how you laugh with others and your grin mirrors mine.
I hate how you look at me out of your big stupid brown eyes.
And I remind myself that showing this is not that wise.
I hate how you make me want to be the person you laugh with and face,
Instead of going to another place.
But at the end of the day you don’t hate me
and you don’t know me.
That’s why I hate you from afar even though I’m made to love you closely.

I’m running always
Running behind
Running in circles
Running further

Running away
from the immortal snail
That turns into judgement
when you look at it right way

Never stop
Never breathe
Never being good enough

I fear looking into the eyes of said immortal snail
Fear seeing what they whisper into my ear
Afraid that I’ll be too frail
And the whispers confirmed by what I’ll hear

That’s why I’m running
Running always
Running behind
Running in circles
Just running further away

What happened to **** around, find out
It’s you ******* the other girls or at least I think you do
And even if you don’t, I see right through
How you **** around with my ******* mind
Not leaving a single rational thought behind
And I try and fail, I try and fail, again and again and again
But life and love are not always hand in hand
While life rewards me for trying again and again
Love is just a bystander looking down on me how i yearn for him
He is the world his voice the sound of seven seas
While in his presence to exist I cease
A shadow of me on the doorstep waiting
Looking for a signal, a single message to come through
Even though I know I’m setting myself up for failure
While I am foolishly waiting for you

Wondering how we got so close
Your voice, your eyes, your words they lure me in
Locked away secrets spilling
Flowing over my tongue like waterfalls
As whilst I’m falling myself
Trusting you to catch me blindly

And what bothers me most
Is our past lingering like a ghost
The idea of us, lasting forever
Even if it’s not going to happen, not then, not ever

The hope nags away at me
Cursing through my veins - the idea of “we”
How great you could’ve been - just mine
But this shatter hurts more than I can say in a rhyme

You could’ve been perfect, could’ve been ideal
And together with you I felt something real
As I dreamed of someone else for the first time
Just for us to not make it to the finish line

But I hope you can find what you’re searching for
Even if that something might not be me - at least no more

Shall I embrace thy fleeting love?
Our gazes meet across the room,
Thy worthiness so high above,
Thy loveliness ensures my doom.

I hide amongst the crowded place,
Thou standst with thine as I with mine,
Thy sound of laughter leaving trace,
I feel alone, but that is fine.

And I meet not the look of thine,
Meet not the smile that’s not for me,
Yet still I lose my mind in time,
By knowing that I can’t have thee.

So long as I am not disgraced,
My love for thee shall ne’er be faced.

Sometimes
When I’m alone at dawn
Looking at the colours of the sky blending
Intertwining like the smiles we used to share
I would admit to missing you

When I hear the nickname you gave me
My heart grows heavy
And I tell not you I don’t like nicknames
Not forgetting that I never minded yours

You live on
In lingering touches, meeting gazes
Every time someone else makes me giggle
And I forget how you would have made me laugh

I don’t love you
And sometimes
I wish I could forget you

It might sound weird but hear me out
I yearn for yearning, not aloud
I yearn for “love”, the truest kind
But in my place it’s hard to find

I’ve never felt this “love” before
Where you give everything and more
When you have one that calls you mine
With late night walks that make you shine

Where is this “love”? How does it feel?
I fear my heart is out of steel
I should be “loved” and feel it bloom
Yet all I get is lonely doom

So tell me please, when will I know
If I will ever catch that glow
If I’ll get one to love and tease
Just struck me once, I’m begging, please