You feel this heaviness in your chest,
Like wet cotton soaking with emotions
When it gets dark it swells and grows,
Finally freed of the scrutinising rays of sun
This cotton wet and soaked clouds your mind
The liquid dripping from the pores
Unable to hold it back as it slips through your grip
Running down your skin calmly
Not caring about the cold trace it leaves
It runs hot like blood but gentle like water,
As the aching grows stronger and the cotton turns to steel
But not cold, calm and smooth steel
No, the kind that burns and melts inside of you, branding a hole through your core
Your body throbs, the liquid rushing while you gasp for air
Until your cotton is no longer soaking wet, no single drop
Yet it fills you out, still robbing breaths,
You can’t get rid of it
And acceptance follows exhaustion in the darkness that feels empty after the storm

It might sound weird but hear me out
I yearn for yearning, not aloud
I yearn for “love”, the truest kind
But in my place it’s hard to find

I’ve never felt this “love” before
Where you give everything and more
When you have one that calls you mine
With late night walks that make you shine

Where is this “love”? How does it feel?
I fear my heart is out of steel
I should be “loved” and feel it bloom
Yet all I get is lonely doom

So tell me please, when will I know
If I will ever catch that glow
If I’ll get one to love and tease
Just struck me once, I’m begging, please

I always felt jealous when it came to friends
But not to mine if it makes amends
No, the ones you see that have each other
While I for them am just “another”

I don’t feel like I’m deserving
Of no friends - just lostly swerving
Cause I am honest, smart and kind
Yet no true ones I ever seem to find

Or am I not honest, kind and smart
And they just told me for their own heart
Because I never thought that might be me
The one without friends - a different she

The one without friends - you call a loser
That weird freak - the lonely cruiser
Who has no one but herself
Looking at old memories on the shelf

Because it had not always been like this
Not always a lonely, dark abyss
There was a time where there was light
And always a friend that stayed in sight

But we slowly drift apart
The friendship dying like forgotten art
And no one wants to be - choose her
Because after all she was just a lonely, worthless loser

And what bothers me most
Is our past lingering like a ghost
The idea of us, lasting forever
Even if it’s not going to happen, not then, not ever

The hope nags away at me
Cursing through my veins - the idea of “we”
How great you could’ve been - just mine
But this shatter hurts more than I can say in a rhyme

You could’ve been perfect, could’ve been ideal
And together with you I felt something real
As I dreamed of someone else for the first time
Just for us to not make it to the finish line

But I hope you can find what you’re searching for
Even if that something might not be me - at least no more

Sometimes
When I’m alone at dawn
Looking at the colours of the sky blending
Intertwining like the smiles we used to share
I would admit to missing you

When I hear the nickname you gave me
My heart grows heavy
And I tell not you I don’t like nicknames
Not forgetting that I never minded yours

You live on
In lingering touches, meeting gazes
Every time someone else makes me giggle
And I forget how you would have made me laugh

I don’t love you
And sometimes
I wish I could forget you

When my brain is empty
And my heart sits tight
I make sure to loosen the chains of comfort
Before bleeding ink on paper
I loosen up the strain of worry
My wrist sketching freely in front of me
While my lungs breathe for a first time again
And my blood runs with each stroke
So I can taste freedom on my tongue

I’m running always
Running behind
Running in circles
Running further

Running away
from the immortal snail
That turns into judgement
when you look at it right way

Never stop
Never breathe
Never being good enough

I fear looking into the eyes of said immortal snail
Fear seeing what they whisper into my ear
Afraid that I’ll be too frail
And the whispers confirmed by what I’ll hear

That’s why I’m running
Running always
Running behind
Running in circles
Just running further away