sitting

staring in the darkness

what is it that i hope to see

a reflection of you?

a reflection of me

a reflection of all the things i wish to be

but cant...

think about that for a second.

i'm sure you've heard of

prisoners staring at the outside through bars of a cage.

now imagine that cage being your mind.

that's right.

i have become a prisoner of my mind

locked away behind bars of prohibition

words of cant, wont, shouldn't, and no

just sitting there,

looking in the darkness at places i want to go

people i want to see

and things i want to do,

but cant

i wonder,

has it ever occurred to you

that being held prisoner in your mind

is worse than being held prisoner?

only i

can hear my silent cries

my unspoken pleadings

my rabid curses

only i

can see in my mind's eye

my bloodied hands scratching at the grill

my righteous rage

my madness begging for a straightjacket

only i

am sitting

staring in the darkness

trying in vain to silence that voice in my head

hoping that you'd look into my eyes

see the me locked up wrongfully

climb into my mind

reach into the darkness

and free me.

free me

from my mind

I am strong…
I endure what you cannot.
I fight what you could not.
depression, regression
pain, tears…
heh, you would run to your mommy if faced with my fears.

I am determined…
to have my dream
without watching it all burst at the seams.
to make people happy
and to show them they are strong,
to teach my future children right from wrong,
to marry the love of my life,
to hear him say he’s happy that I’m his wife,
to not let you get me down,
to smile, when everything is pointing toward a frown.

I am free-spirited…
fun, wild, crazy…
I live out
I laugh loud
I cry hard
I love strong.
****, hott,
sophisticated, or not,
black makeup, blood-red nails,
fishnets, ponytails,
emo, gothic,
it’s obvious I have inner magic.
my thighs move like thunder,
while my wit is like lightening.
my presence is commanding,
comforting, yet frightening.

I am predator…
vampire in bloodlust
trapping you with my eyes
my aura ***** you in, to your demise,
feeding off of your soul
drinking you in until I am sated and whole.

I am unpredictable…
unprecedented
I do the unthinkable
your rules don’t apply to me
I dance to my own rhythm
hum my own tune
walk barefoot in the rain
I do everything you wouldn’t expect
I so most things your average girl wouldn’t do.

you cannot dictate to me
who, what, or where to be.
I am Cocheta:
That You Cannot Imagine.
an anomaly, you cannot tell my origin.

I am:
love, hope
home, trust
power, lust
wind, rain
woman, ethereal
succubus, nocturnal
black, fire
poetry, seduction
color, confidence
shy, innocent
emotion, devotion
different, perfection

I AM ME
a force to be reckoned with.
and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

will you be my notebook?
let me write on your body
the poetry of my soul,
the sensual musings of my mind…
the paper, your skin
the ink, our combined sweat
my tongue, the instrument used to pen
my words, soft kisses creating
stanzas, fingertips soliciting sighs, growls...
you like that line, caro?
i thought you would.

will you be my patient?
let me heal your heart
with mine, your body
with my touch...
i can see here
that your heart was once broken
your soul ravaged
by sweetly singing sirens
promising life-long happiness
and an end to loneliness
but who turned out to be
man-eating liars who desecrated you
and fragmented you
and hurt you
and broke you...
but with my tears, i will show you
you are needed,
you are loved.
with my kiss, i open
the door to your cage
with my lips, i break
the chains binding your heart
and with my breath, i revive
your soul, making you whole again.

will you be my eternity?
let me look forward to spending my life
with you,
graduating university
with you,
marrying
you,
honeymooning in italy
with you,
having my twins
with you,
working
with you,
waking up every morning
with you,
doing the simple things in life
with you,
growing old
with you,
dying
with you...
let me love you
all the days of my life
with my heart, body, mind, soul
with my poetry, hands, lips, breath
with the essence of who i am...

will you let me love you?
will you let me heal you?
will you let me keep you?
will you let me?
will you?

She dances, hypnotizing him

Her eyes, sultry and dark and smoky, mesmerizing him

Calling him…to her

Her hands above her head,

Braced on the wall behind her as if tied there…

Naked from the waist…up

Twin peaks pointed up and out, taunting him, messing with his head

His brain supercharged with sensuous lust…

She licks her lips, slowly and his eyes darken in response.

He comes closer, her breath catches in her throat

He licks her neck, she whimpers

He kisses his way to her *******, her knees give out

As he continues his kamikaze mission to drench her underwear,

The tigress awakens within her…don’t go there, don’t go there…

But he does, pulling an already hyper-sensitive ****** into his mouth

And his tongue works magic…a soft growl escapes her throat

And she pulls him back up and proceeds to kiss him senseless

Spinning him around in a sloooooooow dance of desire.

Now he’s the one braced on the wall with hands above his head

Helpless and weak and moaning as she kisses her way

Slooooowly, druggingly, down his body, naked from the head…down…

She is on her knees, almost reverently

A warm breath comes from her body as she looks through glazed eyes

At the wondrous beauty before her…

He exhales sharply as she takes him oh so slowly into her mouth

And her tongue began working black magic, sinful, but felt so good.

He is helpless, weak, as her creativity gets the best of him.

She begins to dance, body moving like an Egyptian snake.

She dances, seducing him past rational thinking and he forgets his name

His purpose, he forgets everything but his room, her mouth, and her

Dance of Desire

i stand apart from the crowd
in a short black gown
black wings as soft as goose down
purple roses in my hand
though i wish it was a magic wand
so i could stop them from lowering my coffin into the ground
so i could go back into myself, and turn the clock around

i walk towards the coffin
it’s not yet covered
they have not lowered
my body in
to the ground
the pastor looks around
and asks does anyone want to see
her one last time before we
close the lid?
the crowd gathered there did
nothing but stand with poker faces
and some looked as if they had places
to be
some were whispering, oh how young was she
just twelve
and a half, i hear, but i wish not to delve
into that story.

i found myself standing at the edge
of my coffin, gazing down
just like when i had stood on the ledge
wanting to fall down…
they had dressed me in white
and i looked like a tree sprite
innocent and peaceful
with a handful
of water lilies.

they had washed away
the bloodstains from my underwear
and today,
my mother had combed my hair
the way i used to like it,
covering my forehead and the **** in it
from where my head hit the pavement
when my body collided with it.

the men covered my coffin
and lowered me into my grave
heaping shovel after shovel of dirt
on the mahogany wood
then planted my gravestone

by this time
the crowd had gone
leaving me to cry
and mourn
the men left
and i felt i would go deaf
from the booming silence…
collapsing onto the surface of my grave
i cried black tears as i placed
my purple roses, one by one
onto the ground in front of my headstone
i thought about the me
that used to be
and used to see
the beauty
in everything…
i mourned the me
that smiled without pain
that played silly games in the rain
that had a crush on that guy
that hated the word goodbye

as i folded my dark wings around myself,
i mourned the death of my former self…

The haunting Lacrimosa song
Pulls at my cold, black heart,
And I know something’s wrong
I shouldn’t react this way to something as beautiful as Mozart

I should be happy
But for some reason my good emotions fail me
And the only thing I feel is an empty
Space filled with desolation
Loneliness
A thousand silent screams
A black river of unshed tears
And a ****** mountain of shattered dreams

The music makes my body sway
Of its own, I hold no control.
I hold only one thought
One repetitive thought:
I. Want. It. To. End.
I want to end it all.

My breathing becomes labored,
I fear something is broken.
The demons within me become restless,
Tearing my heart and soul open
Rendering me incapable of speech
As this new pain takes over.
I wish I could reach
The place where I am stronger
But all I am now is weak

The violin speaks
But I cannot hear
My thoughts are too loud
No, not thoughts, dear
But screams,
Wails,
Lightening from a black cloud.

Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata now plays…
Ironic isn’t it?
For though it is daylight
It is eternal night
In my dark soul…
Oh will you hold me
As I cry my heart into healing?
What healing?
The healing that exists for all broken souls but mine.
The healing that is said to be brought about by time.
Oh how they lied to me
Because that precious healing evades me

The deep sounds of a cello
Reverberate in my dark, dark soul.
May I borrow
Your smile
To hide the gaping hole
In mine?
May I borrow
Your strength and happiness
One last time?
For I feel mine are drained away
And I am not sure if I can last another day

The concerto ends
But the pain does not.
I feel like I should die…
If I die, will the pain end?
Or will it follow me
Into the next life?
If I die, will you mourn me?
Would you say you wish you had saved me?
If I die, will I have peace?
Forgive me, if I disturb you with thoughts of my death,
I only yearn for this pain to cease.