How do you say, "Thank you," to someone who saved your life?
No, no, no..........let's get it right!
I was dead and gone.
I was 2 seconds from being burried deeper than most while life carried on.
I was about to decompose and be a feast for the worms.
I was a walking corpse in no other terms.
And then, she spoke to me and raised me from the dead.
I saw the light in her and followed it instead.

I grabbed a pen and paper and wrote, "Confessions of Him".
Suddenly, life surged! And I could stay afloat and swim.
If not for her this place would have made me a zombie in tomb .
No way to express myself, but, with her light my body was exhumed.
I could hardly sleep placing pen to paper.
The flood gates were opened and the words made me feel safer.
Medora had stolen all my energy and light.
I didn't know a place could make you give up your will to fight.

You'll know her when you see her.
Her beauty will never fade.
She glows in the distance like a lighthouse in a storm.
And up close she is blinding, but, its comforting and warm.
Her voice is like music and her smile makes you think of ****.
Yea! She's that GREAT and fills you with delight.
Her laugh is free and hearty.
Her skin is rosey with flecks of white.

Her hair is a flame.
I have to say, "Thank You," and share her name.
Kayla, you were the fresh drink I needed.
Without you knowing I heard your words and heeded.
I am alive again!
Writing feels too good to be true!
The only way I know to say, "Thank You," is to immortalize you.
I wrote you this poem so I will never forget.

I want the world to know I owe you a debt.
You reminded me that words were a natural part of my soul.
And, to deny that I would always be half and never whole.
So, I ask the world to join me at my imaginary gala.
Hold up your glasses in a toast to the AMAZING Kayla!
Keep letting your fire burn because your flames ignited my oil well.
"Thank you," for saving me! From loneliness. From hate.
From Medora. From HELL.

Red hair
Sun fire
Sweet moments
Subtle tells
Warm thoughts
Relaxing swells

I wrote you a letter that you will never see
I wrote how I feel about you and how you treat me
I talked about my love for you and all the wonderful things you do
I said how I feel apologized and told you I would deal
I talked about your smell, your voice and your face
I talked about how special it is you invited me to this place
I mentioned how you can be kind and warm.....eventually gettin' around to the part where I'm torn
I wrote about how you are blind and don't allow your heart to see
I put emphasis on how you confusingly treat me
Your silly *** likes them short, blonde and dumb so you and I are seen as chums
I'm the best thing you'll never want and the treasure you'll always ignore
I'm destined to watch you choose wrong and bed ***** after *****
It was the most truth I've ever written telling you how I'm in love and smitten
I'll never let you see it because its already torn up and destroyed
Soon I will be gone taking my feelings and burrying them in the void
I'd rather have you this way than no way at all
Thats why I have to leave this place so I won't continue to fall and fall
You certainly don't deserve me if you can't see me for who I am
God didn't make me to be a stupid girl who is rail thin
We could have it all but you don't like a girl with curves and bends
Even though you treat me like a wife, a lover and gem you will never let me be more than just a friend

No one is listening

i scream
i shout
i cry

No one is listening...........So i do it inside

i do it in silence

Balance on the rope
YOU can do it they shout
Hold it all together
YOU can do it they shout
Juggle........Juggle.........JUGGLE
YOU can do it they shout
Count grains of sand
YOU can do it they shout
Tap dance on the ceiling
YOU can do it they shout
DO ALL THESE TASKS AT ONCE!
YOU can do it they shout

Trapped in darkness that only i can see
Trapped with pain and misery
Fever and sadness course through my veins
i'm living a life with others at the reins
The sun light trickles in
But only darkness lays on my skin
There is no air around me

i can't breathe..........i can't be

When i express these things i am told its not ok
People expect me to be happy everyday
i'm expected to smile and laugh
i'm expected to glow and shine
People are uncomfortable when i vent and whine

i scream
i shout
i cry

No one is listening.................So i do it inside

i do it in silence

*ssshhhhhhhhh

I kneel before you though you are no God
I give you my shame, lonliness, hopelessness and pain
You take it all with no argument, no hesitation and no judgement

When I kneel before you I feel the world staring down upon me; disappointed and accusitory
What would they say if they saw me in these moments?
The world, friends, family.......what would they say?
I can't stop spending time with you though I have tried

Unfortunately, it only takes a thought
It use to be harder to give it all to you
Forcing myself to bare those things to you.........it use to be so hard
Now it is easy! And I hate myself for it.

To keep myself sane, to keep it all inside, I run my tongue across my gums to feel the missing molars, the hole in the bicuspid, the degraded bicuspid and think in my head......
"Fight the urge. Fight the urge. Fight the urge to kneel and purge."

I go silent. I go numb.
I beat it, I hope, at least for today
But, I see you and feel the need to give it all to you
And in that moment I am beautiful, or, at least I hope to be

I made the mistake of listening to society
They told me to be the way they dictate on tv, in magazines, on billboards, and bus signs and newspapers and the radio
I tried because they said it wasn't ok to be me
To just be me
I wasn't enough
Why can't I be enough?

Thoughts. Thoughts. Thoughts! It's too easy!

I kneel before you though you are no God
I give you my shame, lonliness, hopelessness and pain
You take it all with no arguments no hesitation and no judgement

"Fight the urge. Fight the urge. Fight the urge to kneel and purge."

                                                        ­                      FLUSH!!!!!!!

Do it for me. Don't make me jealous. Only because you're beautiful. Cover your arms. Cover your legs. Don't talk back!

That wasn't love, but, I thought it was.

You made me do it.........If you didn't make me so mad.......Push. Push..........SHOVE.

That wasn't love, but, I thought it was.

Smack.......Slap........PUNCH. Cry. Tears..........Hugs.

That wasn't love, but, I thought it was.

Slap.......SMASH........Kick.......JAB......SUCKERPUNCH. Choke. Scream.........Holler. Kick.

That wasn't love, but, I thought it was.

SLAP. I won't do it again. SLAP. I won't do it again. SLAP. I won't do it again................

That wasn't love, but, I thought it was.

Locked in a room for 2 hours........no food..........no water. Learn your lesson so I can stop being this way. It's your fault I have to do this.

That wasn't love, but, I thought it was.

Call, leave a message at the beep. I'm sorry. Call, hang up. Call, hang up. Call, leave a message at the beep. You better not leave me.

That wasn't love, but, I thought it was.

SLAP. I won't do it again. SLAP. I won't do it again.  STOMP........KICK........PUNCH. That's what you deserve.

That wasn't love, but, I thought it was.

Call, leave a message at the beep. I'm sorry. Call, hang up. Call, hang up. Call, leave a message at the beep. Please don't leave me.

That wasn't love, but, I thought it was.

SLAP. I won't do it again. PUNCH. KICK. CHOKE. STRANGLE.........It's your fault I have to do this.

That wasn't love, but, I thought it was.

Call, leave a message at the beep. I'm sorry. Call, hang up. Call, pick up. You can't leave me. Reply, WATCH ME. Plead, its because I love you so much. Reply, GO TO HELL!

This isn't love. It never will be. It never was.

I can change him
I can change him
I can change him
I can change him

What she doesn't know won't hurt her
What she doesn't know won't hurt her
What she doesn't know won't hurt her
What she doesn't know won't hurt her

It won't happen again
It won't happen again
It won't happen again
It won't happen again

It's ok to settle
It's ok to settle
It's ok to settle
It's ok to settle

I'll never find the one
I'll never find the one
I'll never find the one
I'll never find the one

Love is enough
Love is enough
Love is enough
Love is enough

Anticipation
Anticipation
Anticipation
Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock
Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap
Flip, flip, stop, flip, flip, flip
Yawn, stretch, yawn, stretch

Anticipation
Tap tap, tap tap, tap tap,
Tick tick tick, tick tick tick, tick tick tick
Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock
Flip, flip, flip, flip, flip
Yawn, stretch, yawn, strecth
Tap tap tap, tap tap tap, tap tap tap

Anticipation
Anticipation
Anticipation
Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock
Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap
Flip, flip, stop, flip, flip, flip
Yawn, stretch, yawn, stretch

I plan to have a lazy day.

I start by waking up and stretching.
I push my body into my comfy mattress and smile.
It feels good to lay around and feel the sun from my small window on my face.
It's a lovely day out. I smile again.
Then my feet hit the floor and the day begins.
So, right after I:

Shower-------get dressed
Wash the Dishes
Clean my bedroom
Clean my bathroom
Vacuum
Mop the Kitchen floor
Do 4 loads of laundry
Pick up some groceries
Put them away
Take out the trash
Then prepare a weeks worth of lunches to take to work...........

I plan to have a lazy day.

Smashed against the wall broken into tiny pieces and sharp shards
Crushed and stomped into the ground til there is no more
Withered and nearly dead struggling to survive
Ripped and torn apart drifting in the wind

Some pieces large enough to see with the eye
Some parts too small and only discovered when stepped on
Some pieces never found at all
Some parts always barren and dead

Lost pieces fell into cracks and tears but, always remembered
Lost parts tucked in the darkness but, always remembered
Lost pieces swept out of sight but, always remembered
Lost parts left in the past festering but, always remembered

Time passes
Time passes
Passes
Passes

Some of the pieces have returned and I am stronger
Some of the parts have been found and I am wiser
Some of the pieces are gone forever and I am better off
Some of the parts have found a way to thrive and I am grateful

Found, is the need for life lessons
Found, is the need to look back and reflect
Found, is the need to forgive but, never forget
Found, is the need to love again

Time passes
Time passes
Passes
Passes