I don’t know what to do anymore?
Where do I go when no matter where I turn I disappoint someone?
I hurt someone?
I just want to be happy.
I just want to be content and safe.
Why is it handed so easily to those who take it for granted?
I wanna wake up in the morning and wonder what good lies ahead instead of fearing what shoe is left to fall today.
Im tired of always having to prepare myself for the bad to come and to be the one to pick up the pieces.
For once I wanna be the irresponsible one who gets to wreak havoc and not suffer any consequences.
I don’t wanna worry about failing.
About disappointing.
I fear the happiness I crave so badly.
Happiness for me never brings anything but double the madness I already had before.
The madness that ensues always insures that I regret that shred of happiness I felt just that blink before.
A blink.
That’s all it ever seems to be.
I look around and see happy little families wander around all day.
I help to create the memory that 20 years from now just may end up to be one of the most cherished memories of said family.
Meanwhile I look out at them with rage, jealousy, lust, envy, and most of all sadness.
Once upon a time that was my family.
If I had only known then what I know now I would have closed myself off to the happiness.
Why is it no matter how hard I try its not good enough.
Im not good enough.
I want such simple things in life.
A family to call my own.
To cherish and preserve the way I wish those around me would have cherished and most of all preserved mine when I was younger.
To feel safe, warm, and content.
To feel like I made something of myself.
Something to be proud of.
Something those around me could be proud of.
Meanwhile there are a million people in life handed these opportunities and waste them.
Take them for granted, wishing it all away.
Never knowing how suffocating what they are wishing for feels or how lucky and valuable what they are wishing away is.
Never realizing how much they should be cherishing the security they have been granted is.a
Oh well I know im doing the best I can.
Question is is it enough to get me to where I wanna be or am I doomed to repeat this cycle over and over again?
And if that may be the case will I ever figure out what I did to deserve such cruelty?

This serves as a letter from a very jaded adult to a child that knows no sadness.
Beware of what lies ahead for it is something very different from anything you have ever experienced before.
Your entire world is about to turn on you and drowned you in a world of sorrow for which you likely will not return from.
You will fall fast and hard with no word of warning.
All that was will be but a memory to hang on to and cherish.
All that will be will be a nightmare that doesn’t soon end.
Your only savior will be the cold, dark, nights sky.
A safety where no one will see or hear the tears that fall from your eyes.
A time when you can be alone and not reminded of your failures and short comings.
You can remember all that was and smile but only for a second.
Smile to long and you will be punished when the sun wakes early and brings with it the hellish nightmare that is the world surrounding you.
Be brave and let no one see your weaknesses or they will become your final song for they will be used against you until nothing remains but a carcass.
A cold, lifeless, bag of bones of your former warm, bright light will be all that stands once they have allowed you a chance to breathe.
Don’t dare fight back for that only makes things worse.
Your screams for help will fall on deaf ears.
Those that hear you will betray you and leave you alone in your own personal hell.
The nights sky will deceive you with a million stars to wish upon but those wishes shall never come true.
Prepare yourself now so that it doesn’t catch you off guard and pull you deeper under.
You will survive this but once on the other side things will never be the same.
All you will see is the cruelty and havoc of the world.
You will be faced with all that you lost on a daily basis to stretch out your torture.
You will be left with nothing and no one but yourself to trust and count on.
Head my warnings for your torture will never end.
You will never know what grave misstep you took that lead you so far off the track.
Forced for all eternity to wonder what you did to deserve such an unending evil.
An unending evil that will become the only stability you find in your jaded world.