My My My….
My mother is irrational
My father is a legend
My sister is an angel
My brother is a philosopher
But what is to become of me?

I stand here steady and calm
Everyday you’re systematic
The unconscious strides your mind makes in a moment
No one can target where they originate
You just know that when they appear
Let it marinate within you, seep into your skin

It’s hungry now
The monster lives and feeds
Nothing less will suffice..
Than the utter idea of moving on to something new
Once it’s fed, you wait with anticipation
Until the hunger consumes you once more

I see it all the time….
It divides, spreads, then multiplies in my brain
gets trapped, almost smushed in between each and every crevice
It’s times like these…
That my nerves can get the best of me

This should be fun.
I tell myself in a condescending tone
As if I don’t know what’s about to happen
But I’ve seen it,
too many times to count

Forced to watch it
I re-live it everyday
Not the same scenario
of course each sequence that appears
is more and more realistic than before

This time…. I’m waiting for the train
Alone, my body sitting calmly on the metal bench
All there is for sound is water streaming through the pipes
In the lower levels of the city
The dark caves and heavy ledges can treat you differently

Thoughts of the night before run through my mind
I smirk, thinking of how the stupidest things make the best stories
I close my eyes trying to get an ounce of rest
Then I feel it
An item jabbed in the back of my neck
I sit still, trying to fight the fact that this could be the last time my eyes our open

I see it so clearly; it plays so vivid in my mind
If I were to die right here, right now
Could I say I lived a fulfilling life?
Would I be happy with what others remember me as?
I hope to feel as though I would

In a sick way this play, screws its way into my mind
Unable to stop it when it starts
It just appears, the only way to handle it is to watch
Watch and wait to see which scene will be the setting for my death
At least I’d know a few words the paper would read

The picture paints the same every time
I’d like to flick the switch that controls this heavy doom
Turn it off! I don’t wish to take this treacherous ride anymore
I always become a fixture in this working machine
Cue the same scenario once more

This time I’m standing on top of a building
Looking down from the roof
Tying to read everyone thoughts as they pass by
They see so blindly, the same repeated path but they never get to know the streets
They never see what’s actually in front of them

From the top you see all of the above
You wish you could take the scene and carry it with you home
But in that moment your mind can play
That ledge you leaned just needs one nudge, one push, one flick
And you begin to watch as it unfolds once more

This time I’m holding a gun at the shooting range
The power alone gives me anxiety
A tool that can **** in an instant and I have it in my hands
It’s amazing that you can practice shooting with no test or trust needed
Little did they know that a crazed person was walking through their door

I tried to breathe as normal as I could
walking in I knew immediately I wanted to walk right back out
This is where the true test would be held
As I took that gun my heart began again, I felt the panic attack coming
And then…..Bang

My first shot was fired.
Between the aftershock and my nerves I could barely stand afterward
I guess I passed this one, but what is to say of the next
Your mind can play some nasty games
The trick is to NEVER let it win.

Holes filled up
But we see through the crap
Pay what’s enough
And never look back

What are you staring at?
Don’t you know?
It’s me you’re looking at
I’m the show

Step inside and get your ticket
What am I selling for these days?
My dream, never got any credit
But who’s counting anyway.

One day you’ll get it
Each day will eat you alive
Think that progress feels like ****
Until there’s nothing inside

You move and shift
In so many ways
Just a piece thrown to fit
Being a prop is tough some days

You are crazy
Go back
chime your way out and back in
to my life.

I wish to turn
The hands you have
Back
To begin again

To start over again
Once more
To have another shot
Yet again

All the ticks
So in sync
Move so subtly
And fill the silence

The movement we know
But with no control
Shield, block, and ignore it
If you wish

This dance
Forever moving, changing
Each is…
a significant moment.

Each thoughtless circular way around
The windmill spun reluctant to cease.
If only to have power
To reprimand those hands

The work of man
Creating this beast
An idea
That now has a life of it’s own

The work in which
Will not be undone
For it lives now
In the core of our wishful thoughts

Controlling our steps
Demanding our presence
Expecting us to obey
Limiting us by the second

Always in thought
dancing away
It’ll never stop
Even though we wish it to

Imagine us
Without these hands that hold
the pulse of our existence.
Living would be redefined