Just beneath the surface,
Waiting all the time..
Nerves and bottled problems,
Playing on the Line.

One step across the boundary,
It all just falls away.
No resolute, confidence,
No 'I'm OK' charade.

It spreads across my body,
Prickles under my skin..
It's inside, in my mind,
This demon.. I can't win.

My breathing becomes shallow,
I yearn to stop the tears.
It plays with every weakness,
It taunts, it glares, it leers.

This monster that's inside me,
Loves to come and play.
Beating me completely,
promising to stay.

So desperate for silence,
I try to ignore my curse..
My solitude will never last,
Each time it just gets worse.

I can't stand it any longer.
These nerves, this fear..
No one to help,
No one to hear.
I've got to get out of here..
Can you hear me?
   ...I'm drowning in my mind..

Are you ready to cry yet?

It’s been a while since the awful suffocating in my chest.
The first feeling of dread that washed over me.
The first hitched breath, the first hastily wiped away tear.
It’s been a while since I held back my tears forcefully.
So am I ready to cry yet?

Every day it feels a bit heavier, the weight of what I hide inside.
The little feelings that slip through only worsen the pain.
I can’t feel happiness anymore, I feel so numb and hurt.
I think that if this goes on longer, I might go insane.
Can I cry yet?

Today I watched as the feather landed gently on my heart.
I watched as I buckled under the pressure.
I felt the tears spring to my eyes and choked as I held them back.
I broke as I tried to support the weight of the feather.
Am I ready to cry yet?

Can a whisk be fun?

'Can a whisk be fun?' she said to me,
it made me stop so suddenly,
the whisk went still and I looked at her,
'I'll explain' I say; 'and you will concur.'

'If I was to ask if cakes are fun,
you'd say not unless they were in your tum.'
'What stirs the cake mix?' I'd then say,
my point made I'd go on my way.

Next we'd stand over a siblings sleeping head,
and twist the whisk in their hair on the bed.
No guilt we would feel when they woke up and saw,
a hair cut would be in order, no hair no more.

Finally the noise they make,
it's not that pleasant in anyone's wake.
The rattling whir annoys the mind,
and drives neighbors crazy I think you'll find.

Cakes, torment and frustrated glares,
are enough to make me laugh my fair share.
Can a whisk be fun?; I know it to be true,
with an imagination like mine there's few things you can't do.

Cut off, disconnected, sick of being pushed aside.
From all of this I can see that we can’t coincide.
It doesn’t matter how much you put me down or not hear my words.
It can’t compare with your dreadful glare, it’s hard and it hurts.

I have spent my time trying, to find your favoring heart,
Not one helpful thing was found, hopeless from the start.
So I say the thing I couldn’t, that I tried to ignore.
I give up and will not try anymore.

This is the end of caring, the time when I say no more.
You’ve damaged me and broken me, and I am tired and sore.
My heart screams and my eyes cry, and I don’t know why.
When I leave remember that I really did try.

I have no more to give. I have no more to say.
Understand that I am finally leaving things your way.
I don’t want you to care, and I don’t want you to forget.
But yes if you find the time, think back and regret.

Please push me if I linger,
and brush away my steps.
Leave nothing left for wonder,
burn all clutter kept.

Let no one hear the echo,
let voices move on too.
No trails left to follow,
sand away the old, like new.

Memories once protections,
emotions, lows and highs.
Reflections and connections,
disappear and turn to lies.

If I cry and plead regret,
don't listen to my fears.
I'll find comfort and forget,
and go on with my years.

Please remove my existence,
all presence never there.
When I attempt resistance,
be as if back is nowhere.

I'm not sure that I will make it.
that terrifies me so much it hurts.
I feel the tears behind every smile,
but I push them back,
what happens when they break through?

I fear the moment of failure,
more than my own death.
The slightest hint of disappointment,
and I might fall, its such a mess.
What happens if I don't get back up?

So much tears stream down my face,
I fear drowning in the cause of such a sea.
If i cant make it,
I fear that no one will be there for me.
Is anyone there?

So I sit on my shaky seat of a future.
and wait for my fear to come alive.
I cannot predict any outcome,
so I will just try to quell the fear inside.
I'm scared of my own fears, I'm scared of failure.

Fake

She wonders when she’ll turn around only to find,
That every where she’d once been, all she left behind;
Was fake.

She thinks about the smiles and laughs, even her own;
And stumbles across the hidden lies never before shown,
What isn’t a lie?

What’s left if all you have isn’t what you thought?
How do you make sense when the pretense is caught?
What is the truth?

All you’ve ever known displayed in front of you.
One by one, the important things, claimed to be untrue.
Fake.

Falling~

I wished you would have realized I was falling,
falling so far down, I couldn't stand...
My life had lost its meaning, lost it's purpose.
All it's worth had been removed strand by strand.

The light had disappeared, total darkness.
Why had my happiness gone away?
Everyday I would wonder maybe...
You'd notice I was falling and help me stay.

The days went by and slowly there came thunder,
but not even lightning lit my dismal sky.
The rain poured down, joining in my tear drops,
and all alone I sat and wondered why.

...why?...

Why am I depending on you?
Why don't I just get up on my own?
Why can't I stand up when I fall?
Why is it to much to be alone?

So I got up and screamed over the thunder,
that I could help myself, and be strong.
I shouldn't have waited for some one to realize,
I should have stopped it myself, I knew all along.


~I stopped falling.

Hey god
Why didn't you tell me,
that I'd be going out this way?
Oh Lord,
I wish you'd told me,
there might have been things to do and say.

Say mum,
Was there something,
you wanted to do with me?
Or dad,
What about you?
There's so much we could have seen.

My sister,
you know I'm sorry.
For all of my appalling jokes.
and brother,
I hope you realize.
For you I always pray and hope.

Hey hate,
I'm sorry I used you,
to feel a little better occasionally.
and love,
thanks for helping,
and teaching me to stand on my own feet.

My friends,
I guess I'd thank you,
for putting up with me and laughing too.
My family,
I know you'll be strong
and know I truly do love you.

Yeah life,
I suppose it is fair,
you let me stay here all these years.
So fate,
I guess I won't judge you,
and, I will not fear.

Hmm god?
Since you might be listening...
as I die can you do me one little thing?
One I love,
he's soaked beside me,
let an angel shelter him with her wings.

Final Death,
lets go quietly.
I won't struggle I swear.
Bye life,
I'll definitely miss you.
But you can't live forever, I guess its fair.

Goodbye

There he stood, upon that ledge.
Barely a step, from the edge.

Looking down, upon far away ground.
There was no movement, and no sound.

Tears streamed down from that lonely face.
He stood no glory, nor no grace.

'Its all gone, why can't they see?
There's nothing left to take from me.'

'Nothing more I can give,
I've lost the fight, my will to live.'

One more step, one deep sigh.
He closed his eyes, and ceased to cry.

With his last words he whispered to,
Any one that he once knew.

'Good bye, and please don't cry for me.
Sure I'm gone, now you might see.

I couldn't take it anymore,
For all this hurt, there is no cure.

The pain it burned and killed my heart.
You all hated me from the start.

I only wish, the one that mattered,
Would have seen, instead that shattered.

He didn't even realize,
That I loved him; that I tried.

Goodbye, all, its time to die.'
And with that he plunged, from the sky.

His last words, with his last breath,
His last movement, what a mess.

The tears that shed, upon his grave.
The flowers that, weepers gave.

If only they would have showed,
How much they love it, that he glowed.

If only they would have seen,
The sadness that stole his dream.

And the one whose love he didn't know,
Echoed through his heart also,

Wept upon his grave that day,
Then followed him, the same way.

I'm not saying it to be hurtful.
I'm not saying it to be deceitful.
Its just honest emotions,
you can't help how you feel.


Words that console me,
also hurt me inside.
Its hard to separate,
the truths and the lies.

Cards on the table,
hands out to see.
The truth is I don't know,
what to distrust or believe.


I'm not saying it to be hurtful,
I'm not saying it to be deceitful.
It's just honest emotions,
you can't help how you feel.


In my head I slowly repeat,
your healing words you spoke for me.
Truth and hope filled your voice,
as you said the words I made my choice.

Such simple words,
they let me go.
Helped me see,
and let me know....


... you can't help how you feel.

I scream for someone to come, not sure if they can,
I’m hurt and I’m lonely where I am.
No more crying and no more fear,
I just want to get out of here.

I’m hurting.

The dark it’s not as harsh as the light,
I wonder if I’ve given up the fight.
Trapped where I'm wandering on and on,
I wonder what I’m searching for, maybe someone.

I’m lonely.

The thump of my heart, twist of my gut,
Always surprised at how fast my eyes shut.
The sweat and the horror so unrefined,
I’m hunched in the corner wishing to be blind.

I’m scared.

It starts at the top and works to my feet,
The sharp prickling feeling is so complete.
It makes me cry out and fall to the floor,
It makes me wish to not live any more.

I’m in pain.

It’s all in my head I know it to be so,
The fear and the torment the pain I don’t show.
In my mind trapped and growing,
Rapidly approaching, never slowing...

...depression... defeat... time to fall... end it all...

I’m hurting.

I am your everything
   You are my nothing.

I am your voice,
        your song,
        your breath.

I am your movement,
        your dance,
        your step.

I am your mind,
        your thoughts,
        your flurry.

I am your conscience,
        your doubts,
        your worry.

I am your sight,
        your glance,
        your treason.

I am your hearing,
        your balance,
        your reason.

I am your everything
  You are my nothing.

To be everything to you,
gains me one thing.
To be everything to you,
gains me nothing.

I'd like to stop breathing right now; to stand where I can see.
What they'd all say and whisper, what they truly think of me?

I'd like to loose all I have left; to see if I would care.
Would I cry? Would I suffer, would I give up, deem it fair?

I'd like to feel pain, more than I have ever known.
Be it a broken heart, or agonizing end, true expressions shown?

I'd like to hear the answers, and mull over the facts.
I wonder if I'd go crazy, will my sanity be intact?

I'd like to be cut open, my soul laid out for show.
As one last attempt to understand, do I really want to know?

With the infinite paths and prospects, its no wonder I'm who I am.
I question and I ponder, where is truth and what's a sham?

I know you better,
than you yourself.
I see your face,
and know your heart.
I can understand,
why you speak.
and I feel all,
that you feel,
but...


I see the difference,
in our feelings.
and I see the way,
you mistake my words.
I see your sadness
and feel regret,
because...
I know you better,
than you know yourself.


I see you realise
and look away.
I honestly wish,
you knew yourself,
but I know better.

I see her cry, when he walks away,
She dries her eyes and says... I'm ok.
She turns around and hides her face,
She dries her eyes to hide disgrace.

She's not ok.

She says I don't love you anymore,
when she leaves he falls to the floor.
the pain of his heart he tries to hide,
I'm ok, he says, though not inside.

He's not ok.

I mask my tears and my pain,
I hide the hurt and ignore the strain.
I'm ok, I tell myself.
and take my troubles and put them on a shelf.

I'm not ok.

Lying in a world of pain,
nothing changes if it all stays the same.
I admit fine.. I'm not ok..
I wont be alive if i stay this way..

Maybe I will be ok...

I take the first step and admit it all,
I will be ok, if I stand up when I fall.
I smile and think what a fool I have been,
How different it could have been, if I had seen,
That I wasn't ok.

I'll be ok.

I will take your reservations,
throw them, burn them, I don't care.
I'll show you how to jump so far,
you'll fly with me through the air.

Stand at heights you can't imagine,
look down on the sites below.
I will let you clasp my hand,
as your final worries go.

What is it really like I'll wonder,
for you to be so carefree.
Nothing that can stop us now,
aren't you glad you jumped with me?

I turn my head towards the sky,
draw inside my eyes delight.
Storm clouds fill my eager sights,
Its time to kiss the rain.

Caress the ground beneath my feet,
freezing my bear wet toes.
Its a feeling that's my own,
Its time to feel the rain.

One drop against my cold still cheek,
relaxing I let out a sigh.
Stress leaves as I start to cry,
Its time to let the rain.

Washed away by heavens tears,
my own are nothing when compared.
In this moment that we shared,
Its time to kiss the rain.

Let you down yet again.
whats the difference this time?
It will only happen again,
'so disappointed', that's your line.

Since I am such a failure,
then please leave me be.
If you just left me alone,
there would be nothing bad to see.

I give up, I will not try,
to hide from that awful glare.
That angry stance, that mean look,
that not good enough stare.

So this is the end of my caring,
and after all we have been through.
I was never what you wanted,
never good enough for you...

Let my fears guide my sight.
Lost my will and lost the fight.
Look at me, so far off track.
One step forward and three steps back.

Want to stop, to give in.
But I wont, I'll aim to win.
What does it matter anyway?
I’ll take the steps and choose my way.

I’ll pretend it’s all OK,
That I will make it come what may.
Deep inside I’ll hide the fright.
Succumb to darkness, loose my light.

Because simply I cannot take,
One more horror, one more shake.
I will strap back on my mask,
I will take up my look of glass.

I will do what I am told,
Forget the past and become cold.
It won’t affect me anymore,
Built the wall and shut the door.

Kneeling there with my tears,
I lock up my past and my fears.
The soul I was, no more free.
Locked it up, I locked up me.

I remember when I first put on my mask,
it was the first time mum had really seen me cry.
Not like when I was a child,
more like pain and anguish rained from my eyes.
       I put on my mask.

The years came and the mask grew on me,
no idle emotions slipped past its wall.
And then I met you, and you saw through,
my mask and its wall began to fall.
       The mask crumbled.

When bad times came like thunder,
and the mask slowly crept back.
You held my hand and held me as I cried,
you stood me up and kept me on track.
       The mask cant return

I remember when you told me that you loved me,
I thought all my joy I should mask.
You smiled and said 'you don't need to hide from me',
and me, and my emotions were free at last.
       No more mask.

Remember that moments like this are fleeting,
and are gone within the blink of an eye.
Cherish them for what they are,
just moments of pure happiness in time.

--

As my pillare of strenght crumbles,
The stony walls fall down to reveal.
The emotions and hurt,
All things that you tried to conceal.

---

When i reach out to hug you,
And see that slight movement as you pull away.
When you rethink and hold me close to you,
Im just thankful that you change every day.

---

One step closer to kindness,
One hug closer to care.
One look closer to love,
More moments of happiness we share.

---

Remember that moments like this are fleeting, and are gone within the blink of an eye.
Cherish them for what they are, just moments of pure happiness in time.

---

Keep changing, keep growing, lets make more memories.

I can't say how much,
I want you, I need you.

You move me, hold me,
you make me, need you.

Now that, you have me,
own me, control me.

Will you, push me,
leave me,  betray me?

All that I want, crave, believe in,
all that you are, I love you.

All of the time, I pray that you'll love me,
that you will remain, the you that is mine.

There's a book I kept locked away in hiding,
I'd write in there my poems, thoughts and words.
It was worn and old, its pages stained from writing,
Inside were words and thoughts never heard.

There was a book that some one found while searching,
It broke my heart, as each page was flicked through.
Misunderstood, incomprehensible feelings,
I burnt those thought stained pages, away they flew.

In my mind the words still linger, fleeting,
They're nothing more than memories that cause pain.
For they're truth, and simple courage of they're purpose,
Painful so, In my head they will remain.



My thoughts, you can't touch them there.

         Safe in my mind, never yours, only mine.

You defiled my secrets and lost my trust.

         It flew away with the burnt pages on the wind.

All the years I have spent,
crying out in pain.
Harboring all this hurt,
trying to fight against the shame.

One small poem breaks the wall,
that I built to protect my heart.
In those words I re-lived,
all that hurt me from the start.

As I cried I thought of how,
the ones I loved, I couldn't protect.
And wondered if there was a way,
I could move on from regret.

I see my brothers crying eyes,
so young and so confused.
I see my mum cringing when,
I told her the dreadful news.

I see my dad hide his tears,
the turn away from me.
I see my sister try to understand,
but she could never see.

Now I see, you hurt and sad,
fighting against your tears.
It all comes back and hurts me to,
even after several years.

I cried and cried,
and tried to defend my heart once again.
But this time, it was just to much,
this time I felt the strain.

My heart I fear cannot take,
one more break and keep beating.
I don't no what do do because,
my strength, it is fleeting.

So here I am, this is me,
standing broken and in pain.
Trying  hard to protect,
my loved ones that remain.

I promise I will do my best,
and truly give it all.
I'm trying to put back the pieces,
but please, don't hate me if i fall...

Here it comes, this queasy fear,
God just get me out of here.
I've gotta run, need to hide,
'You'll be fine', ******* they lied.

Standing, I begin to shake.
Can't you see, the fool I make?
I can't swallow, I can't speak.
Small and quiet, this fool is weak.

Too quick the lights shine in my face,
I've lost my purpose, lost my place.
Laughter echoes, in my head?
Subtly I, wish me dead.

On my back, on the floor,
that's it, can't take it anymore.
Fade away, into nowhere.
My recurring, worst nightmare.

Unrelenting discourteous guide.
Wheres my choice, is this my life?
Who controls and who obeys?
Who wears the strings, writes the play?
Selfish unholy shadow of mine,
one step behind, silent stare.
Creating havoc in your wake,
of me, of me, the fool you make.
Painful treacherous path that leads,
astray to trails I can't survive.
Does it make you happy, gleeful sin.
Does it let you feel, do you win?
Perfect desperate traitor you see,
the way you make me stumble and stray.
A little more, just for a while,
I'll let you revel in your guile.
[Just keeping going...]
on and on,
on and on,
on and on and on and on...
[but then it ends.]
Lonely miserable stranger of mine,
lost in your own struggle to be.
You've written me out, forever gone.
Not you, alone, on and on.

If I opened my heart just like a book,
how would you see me? Would you even still look?
Would you push me away and pretend I'm not there?
Would the honest me be just too much to bear?

If I threw away caution, let it fly in the wind.
Told you my secrets let all of you in.
Would you still look at me kindly, even still care?
Would you hold my hand gently and still be there?

If I looked at you with anger and sadness or fear,
with you, knowing the reasons, still lend an ear?
If I was to cry and fall down on my face,
would you lie and say nicely it was done with some grace?

With all of my faults laid out to see,
could you accept them and love them honestly?
The price you would pay seeing me under the light,
all the imperfection's and scars no more out of sight.

If you knew me, all of me, open and whole,
would you still say you love me, with all of your soul?
Would you look at me, the same as you do,
when you think that you know me,
when I know that's not true.

Its sad to think that there's no one to know you,
no one to tell them, that you've passed away.
It makes me sad to think some day I'll leave them,
It makes me wish I could never die and just stay.

Whats worse is the fact that the people I want to,
know that I've gone, probably never will.
What if I die, in a flash, in an instant,
No chance for goodbyes, what a feeling, cold chill.

So much to think of and so much to see,
people to talk to, places to go.
I'd like to think that I've fulfilled my purpose,
maybe this lifetime, I can't truly know.

Death at the doorstep; silent and still.
There's nothing for it, no action no cue.
So many ways to leave without knowing,
Remember me, and I will remember you.

What a harsh revelation,
what a feeling to abhor.
Slow and painful interment,
leading into utter discord.

Building anguish, silent torment,
look upon the one that's gone.
All that's taken, clawed away,
you were just another pawn.

Are you happy, are you sad?
Can you feel all that hate?
Sweet revenge as you stand,
beside the grave of this ingrate.

Fate played out the subtle game,
unknown who won in the end.
What does it matter anyway,
there's nothing left to contend.

As realization graces onto,
farewell what you once reserved.
It's time to breathe, to revel,
they've gotten what they deserved.

BANG went the thunder,
As I poured out my fears.
Down came the rain,
As I poured out my tears.

And man, did it hail,
When I poured out my heart.
Guess I’d held that back,
Right from the start.

I felt the sand storm,
On the empty desert plain,
And cringed when it hit me,
When I poured out my pain.

I shook as the wind howled,
When I lost all control.
But it was incredibly silent,
When I poured out my soul.

The storm of emotions,
Wilder each time.
Tears on my heart strings,
Invading what’s mine.

Then calm settles in,
I relax unrestrained.
To quiet, to peaceful…
Then the storm comes again.

Truly it needs no explanation,
the depth nor connotations,
its simple and its pure as life itself.

Surly you can't expect the reaper,
to step back and become meeker,
its truth and I can live life by myself.

You don't need to lend a hand,
I'll place my feet and take my stand,
there's no point worrying about me now.

My world has changed and it has shifted,
my view, the darkness it has lifted,
its time to fight, nowhere to run, no way no how.

Its not like I don't need you,
the truth is that I want to,
show you that I'm strong, my strength is true.

There's no reason to go and miss me,
I'm here, just not as you knew me,
I'm trying to become some one new.

So this step it is my own,
this heart, become like stone,
there is no way to shatter, strong at last.

I'll prove myself and go the distance,
from me you'll find no hindrance,
watch me as I throw, my die is cast.

When it hits me.

There is nothing but pain, tears and sorrow,
Which I hide behind the darkness of my face.
It’s so deep and completely real, my awareness,
The truth is shown and I hide disgraced.

It hit me.

Rambling on I try to make sense of it,
Just one more time step back from the ledge.
I try in vain to fit together at least two pieces,
But watch as all the shards slip off the edge.

I’ll follow soon.

Finally some calm settles on me.
It’s so fake and precious in its lie.
The time has come to decide whether to keep going,
Or to stop, to give up and comply.

Should I keep going?

Time and time again I asked the question,
Too no avail, no response no reply.
When do I give up, after how much failure?
When do I fall down, desist and cease to try?

Is it time yet?

Lying in my thoughts I found no answer.
Its keeps hitting me again and again.
So here I am broken and crying,
Writing a poem to try to tell you, to explain.

This is how it feels when it hits me.

I smile to hide my pain,
I smile to hide my fears.
I'm smiling to hide from facing it all,
I'm smiling to hide my tears.

I laugh to hold my smile in place,
I laugh to mask my screams.
I laugh to act that I'm OK,
I laugh to dwell in dreams.

I frown because the pain broke through,
I frown because I must face my fears.
I frown because confrontation has come,
My frown is washed away by my tears.

I'm in pain because I've been hurt so much,
I'm afraid of  hurting again.
It's time to face up to the past,
I'm crying because of the strain..

Why I put on my mask each day.....

I remember when I first read your book,
all the wonderful things that you have done.
So I asked mum when I would get to meet you,
she said, 'Hopefully not for a long time, precious one.'

When I asked the old man when he would see you,
he said 'Probably in a little while.'
I asked if I could go with him to meet you,
he shook his head and walked away with a smile.

The man in robes preached of your kindness,
and I asked him why you never spoke to me.
He said 'Open your heart dear child,
he is always there, you just need to see.'

I remember when I screamed aloud for help,
when I prayed for you to take away my tears.
There was no guiding voice, there was no guidance,
that was when my faith disappeared.

I will always question your existence,
and I think that that is fair.
If I have never seen you, heard or felt you,
why should I believe that you are there?

You're my everything.

You're my nothing.

You're my dreams.

You're my nightmare.

It's you and me, eternally,

Dancing this game of fate,

We're lonely.

[Falling from this cliff laughing,
I fall towards my only you.]

Its your reflection in the water,
your face that I need to touch.
It's your fault, selfish guiser,
that I love your face this much.

Fake it is, I implore you,
remove for once this mask you wear.
Break me, hurt me, if you need to,
Its ok, your pain lets share.

Hiding as you have completely,
just a reflection that I glance.
I wonder if its you I see,
and jump with my selfish trance.

[Falling from this cliff laughing,
I fall towards my only you.]