writing about cheeriness
      isn't as soul gripping
as writing about despair



is the contented mind
                  uncreative?

there's a sadness in a poet
   at least in this poet there is
a deepness that squeezes my soul
something i carry around with me
     always
even through the happiest of times

i need it, that gloominess
i don't think i could survive without it
it pushes me
   this sadness
it stimulates my innards
   my feeling melancholic
leaves me suffocating at times
   and bewildered...

...but feeling doleful
gives my words life
and if i weren't able to give life to my words...
...well, the opposite of that
isn't too appealing

i never felt at peace
in the large white church
with marble pieus
and stain glass windows
that scattered rubies and emeralds of light
across the skin of my thighs

i never felt at peace
on my knees
with head bowed in silence
eyelids fluttering as i pretended to pray


but the first time
you took my hand in yours
the loudest silence filled my ears
as the voices in my head stopped their chatter
and i wonder if anyone has ever told you
that your voice
is their church
that the sound of your laugh
is their holy water
and that when you take their hand
they feel as if they are being forgiven.

begging for understanding
without saying a word
reaching for an illusory hand
feeling an ethereal embrace
holding onto illusive happiness

all in my imagination

i won't tire you
with my constant woes
and misdemeanors
i won't burden you
with my worries
i won't squash you
with my unending need
of confirmation
i won't use you
as a sounding board
i won't turn to you
for comfort
that is short lived
i'll forget you
i'll pretend you don't exist
   instead
i'll pack away all my troubles
into the suitcase of my mind

looking at the people around me
are they really so happy
   joyful
   at peace
do they not have worries
   discontentment
   disarray
   uneasiness
   cold sweats
   hard hearts
   disgusting habits
   habitual consistencies
   cheating minds
   adulterated souls

or is it only me?

having only myself to depend on
worries me