I once had a job,
only to assure myself, that i cannot work...

I once saw a motivational speaker,
only to assure myself, a have no motivation...
  
I once saw a inspirational speaker,
only to assure myself, a have no inspiration...

I once went to confession,
only to assure myself, that I do not know God...

I once dated a girl,
only to assure myself, that love is confusing...

I once had a dog,
only to assure myself, that I cannot take care of anyone...

I once hung out in a crowd,
only to assure myself, that I do not like people

I once had a friend,
only to assure myself, that I need help

I once saw a psychiatrist,
who assured me, that i was crazy....

Heaven reaches upon me, wanting to lift my life of heavy burdens
A life of victimless crimes, that are hidden behind my curtains
Curtains closed so tightly, that God is the only one able to see

I only punish myself, through the action of self created hurt
Hurt that I cannot hide, which keeps me trapped within myself
Contemplating my life to break through this barrier, leads to confusion

Trying understand, if I brought this upon myself, why can't I change it
When I come to my own reasoning my thoughts then become delusional
I try to turn to God only to get angry at him, to ask why do you punish me

Afraid of my own thoughts, afraid of life, and afraid of death
I only find myself caught in a vicious circle of destruction

Where can i find my peace of mind
Only to know it's lost in the sands of time
Looking for something just a small clue

Where i go i just don't know
Trying to hide my self destruction
As my life declines into nothing

With feelings of disparity
And self engaged rage
I only get the best of myself

Looking for something new
No longer wanting to be blue
Changing my life is all i can do

My heart is broke
And I think I have some glue

If you can help me figure it out
And glue all the pieces together

We can hang out today
And play on the clouds

We can play scrabble
Yet, I think I lost my mind

I have a crystal ball to see the future
Yet, I think it's clear and empty

We can picnic by the riverside
Yet, the river is dry

We can toast to a great life
Yet, I have no glasses

We can ride of together into the sunset
Yet, my horses legs are broke

When I think about love and passion
I always find myself hurting and crashing

Full of bumps, bruises and nothing but the blues
Makes me think of my life as the same old news

Deciphering between being the victim
or committing the crime leaves me blind

With nothing else to do but think of myself
I have a quick discussion about the circumstances

I have only been through way to many times
And has drawn the same conclusion every time

I am a gluten for punishment, and enjoy it

Awaking in the dawn
Asking for a new life
As I wipe the tears from my eyes

Our life of youth is now behind us
The real special times of my life

When responsibilities were simple
To cut the grass
Put out the trash
Go to school
Do my home work

Where games were fun
Sleepovers and board games
Hide and seek, your it
Street football
Tackle the man with the ball

A fight because 2 of us got mad
Was only to fight your best friend
A neighborhood brawl with the next block
fist only

When getting in trouble was for
Not being home when the street lights went out
Skipping school and getting caught
Out of mom's screaming voice when she wanted you

punishment
A belt or a paddle
from mom, your teaches or
your friends parents
A go to your room, no TV

Our secrets were kept
Our hidden tree house with a rope swing
Our secret hiding spots
The girls we liked

Adventure were scary
Opening old coffins in the crematory
Catching snakes
Trapping whatever
Camping in the woods

When you got nervous was from
Playing seven minutes in heaven
Kissing your first girl
Friends picking on you

excitement was a trip
Holidays from school
Christmas
Thanksgiving
Easter
New years & the 4th of July, fireworks
And the next dad collecting what didn't go off
Lets not forget the ice cream truck

Some of our mischievous ways
Throwing water balloons at stranger  
Making tennis ball grenade launchers
Running in the fog behind the mosquito truck

to make a buck
was to cut grass
get a paper route
sell anything

I could go own but I'm sure you get the point
Our generation is gone and the youth will never know

Now it's high tech and everything is a crime
Kid's stay in the house playing video games

I walk the streets of Japan till I get lost
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

Getting a graveyard tan carrying a cross
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

I like studying faces in a parking lot
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

I like driving backwards in the fog
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

I like gypsy moths and radio talk
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

I like gospel music and canned applause
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

I like colorful clothing in the sun
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

I like hammering nails and speaking in tongues
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

I like throwing my voice and breaking guitars
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything

I like playing in the sand what's mine is ours
If it doesn't remind me of anything

Bend and shape me
I love the way you are

Slow and sweetly
Like never before

Calm and sleeping
We won't stir up the past

So descretely
We won't look back

The things that I've loved the things that I've lost
The things I've held sacred that I've dropped

I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need

Who's this monkey, I've heard he's there.
I've always heard, pain beware.

I hear people love him, I know he there.
Where's this monkey, pain beware.

He's easily found, he's everywhere.
Find that needle, he's always there.

You may not think, what you do.
The monkey smiles, every time you use.

Do it again, you'll make him happy.
Do it some more, he'll then be yours.

Now that you've met him, he was easily found.
He never wants to see you without a frown.

I told you you'll love him, he'll be your best friend.
You'll never lose him, he's there to the end.

Now that you love him, will you do it again.
Now that you know him, will you use again.

His intrepid mind
His weakened heart
His boxed out life
He's losing sight

His charismatic thoughts
His empty soul
His losing spirit
He's growing old

His thought bewildered
His thoughts were quick
His winning mind
He's lacking life

Wanted for his mind
But not for what he is
He spends his time alone
With only books

He now reads about love
The one thing he doesn't know
Trying to fill
His empty soul

It is a start
To the heart
This man of brilliance
Wants love in his heart

Thinking back on memory's
Of something I once did
Manly out of curiosity
But only to prove a point

Touche to the ladies
Who I don't quite understand

I've whispered many words to many ladies
Getting the same reaction from most

Yes, I may have been slapped a few times
Yes, I may have been laughed at few times
Yes, I may have been walked away from a few times
Yes, I may have had conversations of curiosity a few times

But the majority of the times they came home with me
Yes I had things gone for me, yet they did not know me

But what I did know that
Whispering words of sin

Attracts them

I don't want to spend the rest of my life
Looking down the barrel of an Armalite

I don't want to spend the rest of my days
Keeping out of trouble like the soldiers say

I don't want to spend my time in hell
Looking at the walls of a prison cell

I don't ever want to play the part
Of a statistic on a government chart

It's dark all day and it glows all night
Factory smoke and acetylene light

I face the day with me head caved in
Looking like something that the cat brought in

And they're only going to change this place
By killing everybody in the human race

They would **** me for a cigarette
But I don't even wanna die just yet

There has to be an invisible sun
It gives its heat to everyone

There has to be an invisible sun
That gives us hope when the whole day's done

Addicted to air only has me gasping for more
I sometimes hold my breath to try and break this habit

I hear addiction takes time to break and I should take it slow
To detox from this I must be careful and gradually hold my breath

I do find it painful at times, yet I am know up 3 and half minutes
I find it exhilarating at times, knowing that I will beat this habit

I have now learned to hold my breath while I sleep
I have been doing some research and have been saddened

To break this habit I must die and I am scared of suicide
Is my addiction my reason for not wanting to be hear?

As the rain finally stop
I hear the last of the drops

The fading moon dark gray skies
Now showing a new misty blue

The sounds of pouring rain
Now changes to singing birds

As the sun crevices through the trees
I now hear squirrels running in the trees

I fight myself to open my eye's
Enjoying myself in the dream world

Still darkened in this house
I find myself needing relief
Not quite aiming correctly

As I continually fight my eye's
I find day old coffee in the ***
Which is ok my by me
Thank god for the microwave

I now sit at my desk
To start the next day

You had something to hide
You should have hidden it
Now you're not satisfied

It's now time to pay the price
For not listening to advice
Deciding in your youth

It used to be so civilised
You will always wonder how
If you'd only have lied

It's too late to change events
It's time to face the consequence
For delivering the proof

Never again is what you swore
Now you're standing there tongue tied
You'd better learn your lesson well

Hide what you have to hide
And tell what you have to tell
You'll see your problems multiplied

If you continually decide
To faithfully pursue

Know the
Policy of truth

If I could paint a picture,
    I would paint a picture of you.....

If I could write a book,
    I would write a book about you.....

If I could draw,
    I would draw a life with you....

If I called you on the phone,
     could you talk to me....

If I wrote you a letter,
     could you reply to me...

If I said I loved you,
     could you love me....

As I stare into the distance
Another day has past
Thinking has anything changed

We wake
We eat
We work
We play
We sleep

There has to be more to life then that!

Many miles away

This lonely girl in the push up bra
Her blood stains on the bathroom walls

If you look at her and grab her eye
She plays for keeps, yet she is meek

Close your eye’s when you kiss her
She’ll scar you with her sarcastic gleam  

She’ll lick your heart just to be tasten
She’ll take your money that’s her taken

She softly says goodbye, I’ll see you later
The shock waves she gave, keeps you shaken

This girl you used is a professional bleeder
She hurts from within and is always faking

darkened eye's from when i cry...
--
pain and hurt that makes me sigh...
--
broke emotions oh wo is me...
--
delusional thoughts lives in me..
--
my crocked life can i let it be...
--
i always thinking of whats to be...
--
this hole i have how could it be...
--
my mind can't think from day to day...
--
i often wonder am i dead...
--
only reminded from my head...
--
these painful feelings that i hold...
--
this crippled life as i grow old...

Where did it come from, how could this be
What is this life, that has been given to me

They are so young only fifteen
Is it a sign of what's is to come

How should they know, how should they act
They never had a baby, is it a trap

It makes them think about their life
To do what's right for the baby's life

The seasoned river has so many effects
The river changes so often just like me

At times so difficult to cross, at times very shallow
At times so murky, at times very clean

Direction changes and eats away at the bank
One interferes and upsets it's path

At times it's very high, at times it's very low
At time it has much life, at times it has none

This river is a delicate one with feelings
It likes to see people happy

Sometimes it is angered
Sometime it lashes out and hurts others

This river reminds me of me
As my life evolves wanting to be free

Why is it when you say you don't love me
I love you more then life can see

Why is it when you push me away
All I do is want to stay

Why is it when you run from me
All I want is to chase for thee

Why is it that when were apart
I don't know how to control my heart

Why is it when you  tell me I'm pathetic
I always cry because I'm sympathetic

Why can't I just let this be
And set my life away from thee

I look and find love only to be let down
It is such a long roller coaster ride I have to get off

I look to find and gather friends to be with
Only to find out they talk behind my back

I just look for people to hang with to pass time
But time passes and they usually drift away

I just look to be alone at times and self absorb
But something always interrupts my thoughts

I have met 2 and they are always with me
I would have to say they have never left my side

Never, Never, Not once, not even when I was

Depressed
Crying
Screaming
Laughing
Dying
Delusional
Lonely

How ever I acted they stayed

My two best friends always there
Never saying a word to me

Yet they always comfort me
They always knew what to do to change my mood
They always give me warmth and understanding

Oh how I love them
They have never left me

The needle and the spoon

I have crimson eye's in moonless skies
I bleed from my conscience and steal from the dead

I play with fear and runs with hate
I never think it's over, it's never to late

I creeps through the night and hide during the day
I play these games of fright and hate

I make people cry and wishes them for dead
I'll give up a life because I'm already dead

I'll travel the world just to find you
I'll teach you sin just to know you

Your life will go nowhere
Your feelings will be dead

You'll love my ways they always do
I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways

You never think that you learn my ways
But you came to me, not i to you

Lets dance,
and run off into romance

Lets play,
while color lights up your face

Lets sing,
the song were playing

Lets stay,
and enjoy this time together

Lets hide,
these days of adventure