I feel the urge to halt
To take no step further
I'm creating a breaking fault
Just to stay together
Forever young
In photographs
And in present
We remain as such
Our health we have
Or what is left
We have enough but not much
If I move I move with time
And time will slowly take away
All my precious memories
And evict my soul
My body to lay
No longer next to yours
Only photographs locked in a drawer
If I dare let the seconds pass
They part me away from you
And so I cling and clench and ask
To let me follow too
If I sleep and wake another day
I erode a little more
So I dare not sleep
I dare not creep
Or else my time in ensured
I would waste no more seconds
To the dreams of nocturnal bliss
Because reality tends to overflow
And it's your face I viciously miss
Yet I know it's false
In wishing a stalemate with time
And any second spent with you
Is never a waste of mine
And if this small amount is all that I get
I'll indulge it by your side

I apologize in advance
If the things I write vary from rage to lax.
I not a writer of stories or lies
The only story I know is the one that lives behind my eyes.
I'm a lover of fictional lives
The books I read are unlike mine.
I tried
To write a falsehood once
With a pencil and paper
Is was a bust.
The more of the character I wrote
Was a jaded youth
A story much like my own.
I decided to cut the middle ground
I wrote about myself.
It's not pretty in the least
Bits of clouds covered in my words
Sarcastically.
I loved
I lost
I watch my prose turn to rust.
I was foolish enough to trust
Those who used my words for a gram of kush.
Therapy is expensive
And so are the meds
My memories are too cheap
To sell out of my head.
Hello poetry is free
And I don't need to look at your eyes while you're judging.
I'm not a martyr
I'm hands are covered in red
I'd rather be the offender
Than to ever be a victim again.
I try to be as nice as I can
To cover up my cynical hatred.
I try to speak my truth out loud
And it's piled up to a little amount.
I stumbled
I stuttered
My emotion became a safety shroud
Of always knowing that you have no idea what I'm talking about.
Ignorance is bliss
And I love being hard to miss
Fit in the crowd
Of a faceless pit.
My whining doesn't mean ****
But just as long as I get rid of it.
Sure the views are great
And I can allow people to relate
Oh, I'm trending?
Your approval isn't really something that is pending
In my mind.
It's appreciated
But it's not the reason why I live.
I'm sure most of you have less than two ***** to give.
But thanks for letting me vent all the same.
I'm one of many that goes to show
If you can't write lies
Then just write what you know.

Why should it matter what I do?
With or without those who scrutinize
My life has never been mine
And they never seem too distressed over the fact I live it for them
Why should I change?
They never do
They boast and rant how their will is strong
While they rob me of mine and my own
Why should I care for myself at all?
I tend to derive my self neglect from their constant want
And demand my constant care
That when they ponder as to why I'm lost in though
It's merely a resting place from their laundry list of praise
Why should I live?
Why should I thrive?
Why should I kneel before any truth
When lies continuously pelt my mind?
Why should I empathize?
No matter what love I find, a hidden fine print is always forgotten to be informed to me
Love me and I'll love in return
But ask for nothing as I take it all
And smile as I deny any semblance of feeling
It's not your feelings that I am enamored with
But the fact that you can listen and not reply
I fall for it everytime
And I glance from the side of my eyes
Willing for the tears to come
But now it's only a practice that becomes a ritual
And the drought of emotion pursues longer still
Let me die young
A couple of decades of good intentions
Is enough to pave my path to a well know destination
Of which I'm sure that I'm headed to
Being an angel for the sake of love could have only brought me so high
So now....I welcome the fall
No more a being with hopeful light
I wish it to be snuffed out
As to discontinue the drawing of those who see it
Like moths to a flame
And once the warmth and bright exterior is at it's lowest
They flee
Wether for good or in their minds
Because I know in their minds
I am not there
I never was, you see
And now I fight for nothing to be gained
When maybe nothing is what I truly covet
And the quiet and thick release will course me down it's waves
And I am crested on a shore
That I've belonged to all this time
Why should I wait?
The answer is still unclear

You're alright
No I'm not
Keep it together
I'll fall apart
Don't keep it inside
I can't let it out
Talk through the panic
Forget what I'm talking about
Look for more answers
More questions appear
My presence is annoying
I don't speak out of fear
Be honest with me
Unless it's something you don't like
Tell you my problems
End up getting into a fight
I can relate to you
Then why don't you understand
I have nowhere else to turn
Except to the shaking in my hands
Do I look ok
Am I going to die
I'll make sure I'm quiet
Next time I begin to cry
I'll be there for you
Except for when you can't
Convince myself it's nothing
But I don't stand a chance
Write it all in book
But how can my words help me
Because when I try to say it aloud
It's only making you angry
Say that I'm just a guilt trip
I'll take that in my head
When you ask if I'm ok
I'll smile and lie instead
I guess that's breaking the trust
But I saw that coming already
I'll listen to your side
And try to keep my side steady
I wish I was more independent
But when everyone is dependent on me
I tend to forget how to fix it
And let my inner demons feed
How should I make it better
What can I do for you
Tell about your problems
Anything I can do
I don't want to bother you
Especially when you don't want to be
I'll figure myself out alone
And just pretend there's nothing wrong with me

Complicate
Penetrate
All my walls
Just let them break.
Love me more than I can take
It's no longer something I debate.
Feel you stare
Fingers through my hair
Let you hold me
Let me care.
Feeling more than I thought was there.
How was it possible that you've been here
All along without me unaware?
Heartache was love for me for longer than I can remember.
I was used to it's customs
I greeted it while holding anger.
Do you see
What you've done to me?
You've ruined me
You made me dream.
Reminded me of the things I love
Let them surface
Accepted them all.
Even all the nasty flaws.
I tried to hide them
Tried to fix them before you saw.
How did you do it?
After all the others who'd been through it?
Suffered the tears and the angry words.
My self loathing and my distant stares
Talking me through when I'm not there.
What can I give you?
What do I have?
To make you so sure that you want this so bad?
The things so pure that you see
Are the things you've unknowingly added into me.
Replacing my apathy, so lovingly,
With more than what I thought I could be.
How could I repay such generosity?
Never changing
Never fixing
Never doubting
That I ever had to act differently
Into someone who fits your ideal imagery.
Never wanting saving
But reluctantly and stubbornly
Somehow I gave you permission to rescue me.
What the ****, baby?
Look at the state of me
I was so used to being dead
Living was just breathing
And it was so easy.
Being stone cold was simple
Compared to feeling.
You saw my tears
My rapid breathing
Waking nightmares
Drunken confessing
Self mutilating
Suicidal repressing
My lack of certain emotions
That I can't bring myself to feeling.
And there you are quietly accepting
Listening and not defeating
The words I say with comforting words
That are often misleading.
Never thought I'd be the one pleading
For someone to never leave me.
Your precious love is more than sweetness.
It's more than blind forgiveness.
It's more than the pretty words and actions you make
It's the things you've seen in me
And still you wait.
Loving the unlovable person
That I had to create.
You molded me into someone with breath.
Breathing life into me with every caress.
Keeping my thoughts in our universe
Whenever they wander, you wander with them too.
Never leaving me alone with them even if they have nothing to do with you.
Fearing nothing and everything at once
Giving me what I've always wanted
A chance
To be who I should have been
Before I became this.
I love you more each time I glance
At your face smiling back.