That **** filled acknowledgment
Of being the *******
Knowing
That you're unable to to deny
Every lie you tell
The intentions that mirror justifications
The excuses that meant well only for personal gain
I'm not such a bad guy
I listen when others confide
Keeping secrets without though of using them as halos above my head
Or chains around others necks
My acts of villainy go as far as my glance of judgments go
Pretending to be above
As my thoughts are buried deep like roots on a rotting tree
I half heartedly tug and stay planted
Blaming the illusion of not having a choice
Staying
Stagnating
Spoiling
Others and their flaws continue to move forward
As I choose to stubbornly watch
Unable to change because I won't allow it
Denying the reality
That I ain't ****
But I want to be
Disconnected, without the guidance of words and social cues to guide me on
Friends only marked by longevity of knowing I exist at all
Too old to making any believable change that will stick
Too young to give up now
Stuck inside and between my fears and my wants
Taking the blame for once without being staked to it
Forgiving myself without keeping the guilt in my veins
Progress is not wanting to bleed them out
When that was the obvious answer many times before
How can I change?

How could I leave myself behind for another alternative?

How do I let myself go free?

Now I know the truth of myself
Theres no way to tell
If there's more pain in change
Or just hanging around

I remember all the "chosen ones"
All the ones that caught my eyes
I recall all of the villains
And the classic "nice guys"
I remember all the Romeos
The seducers and wooers alike
I knew all the "we're just friends"
And "love you like a brother" types
I remember all the gentlemen
The ones who held the door
I'm branded by the cretins though
And made of me a *****
I remember so many of the talking boys
The ones who needed to vent
They'd knew I never slept at night
And converse until the blackness was spent
I remember all the heartbreakers
And those few that never left
The randoms that came sneaking in
The ones who thought they knew best
I remember the wishful thinking
And the craving to catch your eyes
I acknowledge the reluctance of letting you go
And at times I never tried
I remember the lessons
And I repeat the mistakes
There're so many fish in the sea
And I only have a lake
Please remember that I loved you
Or I did the best that I could do
And if there's a part of you remembers me
Just know my memory is perfect too

We were sitting in his car
Going everywhere and nowhere
Such were the destinations of our lives
No longer in our teens
But too reluctant to be adults
We clung to our childhood fling
But only for the sake of safety
And as we drove
We'd reminisce
Of the flames that burnt us good
The one we loved to be crippled by
The ones who stole our spark
The ones that changed the definition of love
Into a sarcastic and morbid thought
And one evening
No more interesting than any other
The memory of this destroying love
He got caught in the feeling again
And frustratedly began to yell
"Why did I allow it? I knew she was ******* insane! Why did I let it go on for so long? I wasted that time all just to hate her in the end. Why did I do it?"
To which I replied as I passed him the bowl
And exhaled some memories of my own
"You did it cause you loved her. There's no grander explanation as to why we died by these people just to wake back up but now as not ourselves."
"That's not a good enough excuse"
He coughed
"That's not a good enough reason to go through that ****"
And I laughed at the reasoning
"It never is...but here we are, talking about them as if they're still around. We give pieces of ourselves to these strangers. They fill up our time so we have no idea how fast it's passing. And when they walk away, they never intended on giving all of it back. They keep it as trophies and we have to start from scratch with being a person who is alone now. And loving them still is what makes that loneliness worse."  
Then in silence we drove
Going everywhere and nowhere

You ever have those moments
When you have nothing else to write
But you crave to scream
Into the void
Of words and thoughts
Just to hear others screams echo back?
A blank canvas of rage
And unsaid words
Cluster into your mind
Not meant to be said
Out loud but read
Like a secret laced with poison
The more who know
The more that are at risk
Of never being completely cured
And only when it's dark
Do I begin to wait
To seeth and grit
And contemplate
How much of this life
I truly hate
But Of which I am apart
I'm a working part of it all
And to feel the line of my life
Is to simply tolerate
While others sneer
And show their hate
And to accept that I must live and die
Within the walls they desecrate
Distract, medicate, pay and ****
Saluting my allegiance to a dollar bill
Reality tv is now considered a thrill
And pop and rap overflowing past fill
The idea that rules keep us safe
Just because I told you so
Unless you're a different race
Then the laws are meant for those who can't pay
Cause criminals with money
Somehow always manage to get away
I wish I were stupid
Or brain dead at least
And be completely unaware
Than to witness times as these
It's nothing to write about
Cause you already know
The worlds going to ****
And we're letting it go
As long as we do nothing
Then they'll assume we like it
So **** change
**** hope
**** ever evolving
I'll be dead and rotting
Before they get to solving
And now my rage is echoed in black
If you're in the darkness too
Just echo back

Not a cry for help
Because simply asking never works
I coarse against the grain of my emotions
I ****** the idea of being better
However
Like most love affairs
I become petty with redemption
And trite with my promises
It's hard to keep them
When I never meant them
I may have marked you and others as mine
But that's all
A mark is not a leash
And I've allowed you all to walk away
With a smile and a wave
But a little piece of your mind
Still whispers my name
You see
I'm riddled with remorse
So humbled by experience
That the habits of mistakes
Engrained into my person
Is simply a game
Of who can fix me
Who can reach me
Who can get into my pants
Who can make me want them
I've become quite vain with these notions
That I have to be wary of my reflection
And my facade of a good name
I'm a lady after all
Choosing no one and nothing
Clutching a semblance of my own worth
While trying not to offend yours
Girls will be girls
Like a homosexual
I was born this way
If I had the choice within my control
I would not choose reality
Making myself a fantasy
Is cruel enough
But they'd rather live a lie
Than see the disgust in my eyes
We could push our tongues together
As if they were in a fight
But the friction of flesh
Doesn't always a spark ignite
So I'm not pleading for empathy
For I hardly feel for you
I feel the same
Just without refrain
And when you're gone
I'll wave and smile to you

Why should it matter what I do?
With or without those who scrutinize
My life has never been mine
And they never seem too distressed over the fact I live it for them
Why should I change?
They never do
They boast and rant how their will is strong
While they rob me of mine and my own
Why should I care for myself at all?
I tend to derive my self neglect from their constant want
And demand my constant care
That when they ponder as to why I'm lost in though
It's merely a resting place from their laundry list of praise
Why should I live?
Why should I thrive?
Why should I kneel before any truth
When lies continuously pelt my mind?
Why should I empathize?
No matter what love I find, a hidden fine print is always forgotten to be informed to me
Love me and I'll love in return
But ask for nothing as I take it all
And smile as I deny any semblance of feeling
It's not your feelings that I am enamored with
But the fact that you can listen and not reply
I fall for it everytime
And I glance from the side of my eyes
Willing for the tears to come
But now it's only a practice that becomes a ritual
And the drought of emotion pursues longer still
Let me die young
A couple of decades of good intentions
Is enough to pave my path to a well know destination
Of which I'm sure that I'm headed to
Being an angel for the sake of love could have only brought me so high
So now....I welcome the fall
No more a being with hopeful light
I wish it to be snuffed out
As to discontinue the drawing of those who see it
Like moths to a flame
And once the warmth and bright exterior is at it's lowest
They flee
Wether for good or in their minds
Because I know in their minds
I am not there
I never was, you see
And now I fight for nothing to be gained
When maybe nothing is what I truly covet
And the quiet and thick release will course me down it's waves
And I am crested on a shore
That I've belonged to all this time
Why should I wait?
The answer is still unclear

It's as easy as breathing in
Hold it
That's good
Now exhale and wait
You can almost forget that memory
In a matter of seconds
And if not forget
You can manage to not care
At least for a little while
Let the smoke fill your head
And let it to be louder than your fear
I'll even endure a coughing fit
To expel the words I don't want to say
They ask if the escape is worth the problems you always return to
Every ******* time, yes
Of course they'll be there
Where would they go?
Even when I improve
My problems only grow
And if I *** in a cup
For whatever reason
And displease your delicate opinion
I'll indulge in your honor
God knows you might need this more than I do
Now zone out a little
Stare into nothing
The good kind of nothing
Not the other kind that you find in people's eyes
Like in times they want something from you and they know they're gunna get it
Or moments you ask them for something and they never reply
Or when they apologize over something they were never apart of
Because the tragedy isn't about you.....
It's about how they can fit themselves inside of it
Take another hit
Float on this one a while
Let the tense of your muscles ease
As if I spend the day trying to stay inside my skin
Like it's become too small and uncomfortable
Now I can expand and I breath without my ribs caging me in
Red eyed suicide
Artificial tears will make them clear
Better than vice versa
When the real kind of tears make it look more suicidal
An oxymoron in this case
Giggle at a pun
If you have a buddy then do a shot gun
Don't remember to forget
And keep on forgetting
It's as easy as breathing in

I face the self I cannot see
The one I secretly want to be
The one that scratches, itches and screams
Who's longing to be me

I face tomorrow cause it came today
And I wasted it all wishing for yesterday
Not a choice was made nor a helpful change
I'll do it tomorrow anyways

I face the question that no one asked
Who is the one behind the mask
They peak behind and accept at first
But neither them or I can ever last

I face the reason, the excuse, the game
Of being delightful while going insane
Would it be better to blend in with the same shade
Or to streak the whole picture with the stain of my name

I face the reality and truth of my life
No good as a girl, a woman or wife
Yet a sinful saint I've strived to be
Burning for the reasons I believed to be right

I face my addictions to being addicted
I face the struggle of being self inflicted
I face the honesty of all of my lies
I face yet allow all conflicting contradictions

I face the obvious yet cannot see
What I even want for me
If not to suffer or have delight motivate
Then I know myself only to never be

You're alright
No I'm not
Keep it together
I'll fall apart
Don't keep it inside
I can't let it out
Talk through the panic
Forget what I'm talking about
Look for more answers
More questions appear
My presence is annoying
I don't speak out of fear
Be honest with me
Unless it's something you don't like
Tell you my problems
End up getting into a fight
I can relate to you
Then why don't you understand
I have nowhere else to turn
Except to the shaking in my hands
Do I look ok
Am I going to die
I'll make sure I'm quiet
Next time I begin to cry
I'll be there for you
Except for when you can't
Convince myself it's nothing
But I don't stand a chance
Write it all in book
But how can my words help me
Because when I try to say it aloud
It's only making you angry
Say that I'm just a guilt trip
I'll take that in my head
When you ask if I'm ok
I'll smile and lie instead
I guess that's breaking the trust
But I saw that coming already
I'll listen to your side
And try to keep my side steady
I wish I was more independent
But when everyone is dependent on me
I tend to forget how to fix it
And let my inner demons feed
How should I make it better
What can I do for you
Tell about your problems
Anything I can do
I don't want to bother you
Especially when you don't want to be
I'll figure myself out alone
And just pretend there's nothing wrong with me

These thoughts are unhinging
My words have stopped clinging
No solid tune to help me keep singing
I wonder to what end my actions are bringing
I flee the discourse at a moments bidding
And still I cannot keep myself from swinging
Frying the meat that keeps me believing
Slurring the speech I've been using since my upbringing
I'd beg to be alone if it weren't for myself that I've been fearing
The space is thick and nothing is moving
My voice of reason has started assuming
That my reckless life is of one of my choosing
Is it to myself or to others that I'm proving
The worth that I just pretend to be using
While I smile at another's undoing
You see me at ease when I'm viciously fuming
It's your tender intentions I'm lovingly ruining
And in the midst while I'm consuming
You awe at me unaware of what I'm doing
While all along I've been quietly hinting
That your state of mind is slowly slipping
Into mine and now it's dripping
From all the truth that you've been missing
I will not harm if you're not committing
I will only whisper if you avoid screaming
I'll kiss it away if you leave behind hitting
I'll bleed for you if you let me do the spilling
I never forced you into this realm of unfeeling
But I'll certainly say that you were most willing

You said the blue eyes were for liars
And green of those with no soul
I happened to be a brown eyed girl
With little to no self control

You said words were the pathway
To the strings that tie your heart
Giving me the slack willingly
And I tug them slowly to break it apart

You said we would be trouble
Of that, I already knew
Yet seeing as how I stand here now
It seems the trouble wasn't you

You said your forevers
You planned without goodbyes
You cling upon my person
And now I retreat my eyes

You said we'd die together
Well, we all die, I suppose
I felt the time in me slipping
And felt the illness grow

You said it all so lovely
You said it all so true
And here I'm left with clarity
Of the things I'll never say to you

So never make a promise
And I won't make one in return
Because promises will be broken
And bring a lesson never learned

I'll say that I love you
And quietly walk away
But love doesn't mean forever
And words, once spoken, won't make a habit to stay

Present past and future
You'll never see it pass
And mark my words, though I have none
It's always over too fast

It's okay
To walk away
I've never been one
To really stay
I'm sure you're better off this way
To flee my eyes
And escape my sway

It's okay
I'd even say
You're starting to see
Some better days
No more thoughts in disarray
No more wishing
And creating a fray

It's ok
It was a most convincing play
Though I'm afraid
The original message was not relayed
I did not break you, so, I need not pay
For the mistakes you spoke of
Were the lies you unknowingly made

It's okay
I feel no rage
There's no use
For a war to wage
Part us in our perspective ways
Still my friend but in the end
Not the kind that should stay

I feel the urge to halt
To take no step further
I'm creating a breaking fault
Just to stay together
Forever young
In photographs
And in present
We remain as such
Our health we have
Or what is left
We have enough but not much
If I move I move with time
And time will slowly take away
All my precious memories
And evict my soul
My body to lay
No longer next to yours
Only photographs locked in a drawer
If I dare let the seconds pass
They part me away from you
And so I cling and clench and ask
To let me follow too
If I sleep and wake another day
I erode a little more
So I dare not sleep
I dare not creep
Or else my time in ensured
I would waste no more seconds
To the dreams of nocturnal bliss
Because reality tends to overflow
And it's your face I viciously miss
Yet I know it's false
In wishing a stalemate with time
And any second spent with you
Is never a waste of mine
And if this small amount is all that I get
I'll indulge it by your side

Look
I know what your thinking
If you're living at all
It's better than being in a hole stinking
But that's not so
And I would know
Breathing in air
And being alive
Have very different meanings
For how you survive
Make some mistakes
Get a view on others
Disagree a lot
But be kind to each other
Look in the eyes
Don't try to prove a point
Travel a **** ton
Occasionally smoke a joint
Get drunk with friends
Get a broken heart
Feel a lot of sorrow
Like you're falling apart
Live through a couple crisis
And find good people a long the way
Stand up for yourself
Get the opinions of others
But don't give a **** about what they say
Do something different
Break from routine
Act like an idiot in public
Don't forget to sing
Go crazy for another person
Have some go insane for you
Learn to let go of yourself sometimes
But eventually come back and get through
Be as healthy as you can
Be smart if you want
Turn up the music in your car
Admit if you are wrong
Go to the funerals
Of all the people you love
Question god a little bit
Scream at the guy above
Believe in something bigger
Even if it's not there
Be you're own diety
Be the devil for all I care
Just don't live day to day
Like it's meant to be the same
Stop pretending there's an order
Like life is on a quiet train
A long distance to go
But at an alarming speed
We can sit until we get off
But why would there be a need?
Release the boxcars
Blow up the tracks
Jump off at the bridge
And take your life back

Words fail me to write in rhyme
And now I must sleep
I can't afford the time
For I must work that daily grind
In a workforce so unrefined
Tweaking cooks
And moody staff
All on something else
Just to get past
Drink and pills and greens afloat
Sober minds
Make nasty blokes
I work for tips
Or I work for free
It's up to the customer
To show generosity
Fake a smile
Show off some quick wit
Get stiffed again
These ******* ******
And soon a double shift awaits
And then again I'll stifle my hate
There are those who get me through
The days
And at times bring in love
Always coming my way
Making me laugh the shift into play
Maybe it'll be a better day
And I wish that I would sleep
But words are stuck
And they want me to speak
To write about nonsense
About my life
About my work
About my strife
And high as ****
But I don't seem to mind
I guess I found a little time
To be me within a rhyme
Guess that's cool
To suddenly see
My random spark
Of creativity
It maybe a waste of time to read
I'll take no offense
Because there is no need
It's my way of ******* around
Poetically


Thank you and goodnight

I guess I've been building up to this rant for awhile. It being too big to write on the fly and I thinking not everyone will share my world/life views, this is being prewritten before being posted. If I even do post it. Now, the purpose of this rant. There are those who say I don't do it enough. Others don't really know me well enough to find that I should. I've been toying around with a lot of life thoughts in my head. Some sounds like excuses for choices I've made and maybe they are. However, everyone has excuses even when they say they have none. Excuses for good and for bad. It varies from religious views to personal relationships. I lack the intelligence of higher learning, so I admit, I do not claim to know everything. I only know my point of view. And I've had it for awhile and it's the only thing I know for a surety about myself. This is written to neither offend or berate those around me. Instead, to give those a better idea of the person I am.

1- religious beliefs: just to get this out of the way first, I'm spiritual but not religious. It's an over used phrase. Not really agnostic because in a small way everyone is. No one knows what exists for a fact. They have their gathered experiences and ideals to come to the conclusion that's seems reasonable enough to guide their lives by. And even when they have those beliefs, no one follows to the letter of it. And that's ok. We are a world of imperfections. From what I've gathered from theology, through out my life, the main 2 things that everything has in common is to
              1-be a good person
              2- be a good person to others.

IF God fails to exist, then that means I am the master of my own life, experience, moral compass, actions towards myself and others. Brought up in a religious house, this was obviously called free will. And I've been painfully aware of it's reality since childhood. Not by my free will but of others. IF God fails to exist, then that means we either choose to live for ourselves or live in the service of others. And the conflict between selfishness and selflessness of those who do express religious beliefs always confused me. I've stopped questioning the place it has in my life because the things I question do not come with answers, only positive and negative influences that I have been taught throughout my life. I, myself, am selfish but I try to live selflessly in order to strive to be a good person in my mind. This brings about drama but joy as well. I see it as a way of being whole spiritually. Light and dark must coexist in order for all thoughts to take root into actions. Without light, anyone trapped in the dark will not be able to fathom joy, love, compassion....basically empathy. The dark holds only the opposite. Yet, without the dark, anyone living wholly in the light will seem too naive to trials and being able to truly understand how hard it is to find a glint of light in a pitch black situation. And, if no one is aware of themselves, they will most likely choose one or the other. Never both. I strive to encourage the light and face the dark. As a spiritual person, I'm grateful. I have moments where the trials of my own life and that of others tend to lead me down to the dark corners in my head but knowing the light I have a chance of weathering it the best way I can without being consumed by it. Those who have done this know it's never an easy feat. I believe that I must be all things in order to be whole. Good, bad, happy, sad...if I lack but one thing because I feel that it serves no purpose, then I feel I would have cheated being myself.

2- Love: like faith, this is simply an emotion of perception. No one idea of love is the same. And everyone holds love in different regards with different people. Some believe that once you find love in one person, that should be shared with that person alone. Monogamy, friendships, family. All creatures of a constructed idea that loyalty is the root of love. And as beautiful and trying that is, I cannot believe this is so. I believe love to be a necessary virus. That we are born with it to spread to those who need it. To those who crave it. To those who have yet used their own idea of love and desperately crave someone else to show them the description. Not just sexually but unconditionally. And this creates conflict of the soul. Especially when we force our minds and suppress our hearts to show that love on one singular facet. To love is to lose oneself completely in the possibility that it's vast and it's easy to get lost in. Moments of infidelity. Moments of torn emotional turmoil plays it's toll. Picking who to love and why you love them and what you would do for that person because you love them is insanity. But we all crave it. I believe that love is made to validate war or at least calm the tremors that it brings about. It's a chemical balance of things we've subjected ourselves to feel through habit and example. We create the brand of love that we give others and we seek that brand in hopes that other have the same or at least similar brand so we can feel the comfort of home with someone else. The feeling of safety, the feeling of rest, the feeling of realness, the feeling of acceptance, the feeling of truth, the feeling of comfort, the feeling of life and the feeling of fighting when love is deemed worthy of fighting for. This is my brand. I give it freely with the price that I will be questioned in where my love truly lies. It's scattered about freely like breadcrumbs. And if someone finds me at the end of that trail, I'll be ****** if I created that journey for them for nothing.

3- service/friendship/family: when I was younger, I though friends were the gold of my life. Irreplaceable and unable to be made the same twice. I use my friends to create the persona I've grown since youth. I am those who have love me and hated me. I am those who inspire me and depress me. I am those who fought for me and fought against me. If I feel that I'm flawed I search for others with these flaws. If I can help or even be the catalyst of my friends to overcome their flaws, then I have a shot of overcoming mine. My friends are proof that I'm not alone even in the moments where I wish I was. Even those I choose to be "unworthy" of my friendship, I cannot help but show them the courtesy of friendship. They are the reason why I stay alive in hopes that if I cannot help myself then there are those in need of me....hopefully. My family is, in a way, very tight knit. They are what molded my sense of dedication and perception that I bring into the outside world of society. They are the jokes I tell. They are the tears I've shed. They are the hugs I give. They are the noise I've screamed out of anger. They are the pillars in which I've stood on to weather the strains of being an individual. Wether the examples were good or bad, they were always the educators of my emotions. And there's a bitter sweetness that comes with that. The feeling that one must rise to an expectation and risk the crushing reality that, I alone, may not be able to rise to the challenge. It's hard to break away from those who raised you and create your own family in combined reasons with strangers around you. Or to create a family and come to find out they will only part ways from you after some time. To me, friends old and new, gone or present, they are always family. I could not have pieced myself together as the person I am today were it not for those who willingly gave pieces of themselves to me. And by me, they are loved.

4- Judgements: this one is always a sensitive one for me because I'm guilty of judgement. I've found myself many times giving the side glance at others and feeling like my thoughts are better than theirs. My theory is, if one has enough attention to pick out the flaws and cracks of people then they too possess the ability to pick out the gems in them as well. And it's difficult to do this when one is trapped in their own mind of "what's acceptable and what's abhorred. Homosexuality, deformities, drug addicts, mental illnesses, bad attitudes, poor management in a work force, dumb choices made by friends and family, someone who cuts you off in traffic, worldwide tales made by those who don't want the truth of matters to be revealed, politicians, other races, WHATEVER! We live in a time where life is taboo. Differences are mocked instead of celebrated due to our lack of living outside of ourselves and really put in the time to live in someone else's head. We justify our judgement by feeling so secure that we are always right and that other simply don't know any better. And deep down this makes us angry. Or to me, it does. And it should. We use are judgements as a safety net of our insecurities. We use them to feel that our lives are more significant than those we figure are wasting the time and air we greedily consume. We use it to feel pride in killing others in battle and deem it with a sense of patriotism or a mark of gaining hierarchy in are status but for what? Those who hide behind religious walls will or wealth or self serving thoughts will never know the joy of finding a stranger and making them a working cog in the life we're lucky to have. And it's sad that one must pursue past the nay sayers just to find that voice of reason that tells you, " you're imperfect but that's what I love about you."

Maybe it's the zen influences that I've recently encountered in my life or maybe these are thoughts that I've always had but due to stress and tragedy, I never was able to put this into words. Maybe fear that I know...by my words nothing will change according to my own perspective. However, if you made it this far into reading this, I'm grateful that you did. And I write with the intent, not to change how you think, yet, to make you think all the same. Life is too short and the human mind has too much potential to be wasted on a monotonous life that we believe will grant us happiness. There is so much more out there. And if you don't have the funds to travel or the friends that inspire you or the words that resonate within you, you have a mind that can sense life in all it's forms and all you need to do is use it. I love you guys

Who am I now to be?
I can't form a coherent thought.
From this life, from what I can see,
I never done that a lot
I pick and choose
Who and what I believe I can't lose
And let them infect me..
As a vessel for their use
I bide my time
Commit some crimes
Confess it all within a rhyme
And act as if I've been more than fine.
I hear them all, my guiding reasons
To why I'm still alive
My friendship, loyal to a fault
My honor, well intact
My humor, it always wins them all
My love, is a bit more complicated than that
I hurt them
Well, I make an impression, it seems
It's the kind that makes you question love
And the dark corners in between
Those feel they can't live without me
When I've seen others do just that
My self worth is waning
And I see
No amount of humor can bring it back
I guess I must face what I obviously lack
I'll live your dreams
But only on my reality's track
Where's the focus?
Where's that push?
Where's the certainty?
Where's the truth?
The drunken line won't get me much
I feel your pains before I feel your touch
And all those lost, far and wide
Always fall clumsily within my stride
And making me question why I'm alive
If not for them then nothing
Or so I'm told
Their love is much stronger
Their love is much more bold
I've heard it all
And now I've become a bit more older
Is your heart beating faster?
Am I the breath you take?
Am I the one to solve it all?
Did you come to me to break?
Give me and answer
For devil's sakes.
I must know who I become
Each day I wake
And god forbid if I forsake
Anyone's pleas
And their burdens I'll take
No thought to my own
Those thoughts are kept
To desecrate
So spare me the time
Mine is all but spent
I stand at attention
But I can never keep track
To where my mind went
Say I don't care
Say my loyalties lie elsewhere
Say that those who I love and cherish
Will leave my chest cavity bare
And I love you as much as I can
I swear
Still, know that I love
With a seething glare
I'm all but aware
That my shattered self
Isn't always there
My heart's in the right place
However
My recollection is bare
Make me feel what you want me to
In times of war
I know how to get through
Wether it's my time or love or body or more
I'd lose myself
Just to find all of you

Crazy now
Craving now
Standing by
And bracing now
Shall I stand
Or be forced to bow?
I'm starting
To get anxious now
Bleeding teeth
I'm smiling now
It hurts
But I'll keep on trying now
I'd hate
To disappoint the crowd
But I can't keep it from showing now
Tell me that you hate me now
Kick me back and berate me now
Prove me right
And be a pal
And shut the door behind you now
I'm living hard
And fighting now
I've seen some things
I'm grown up now
If you dare
Just ask me how
I have some stories
To tell you now
Let's have fun and forget it now
I'm not going back
Or even forward now
I'm spinning within myself
Right now
I don't even hear you now
Pick apart my brain
Tell me I'm insane
Give me one good reason
To let me out again
I scratch and claw now
I don't give a **** now
I hide behind my eyes
And I want to be front seat driver now
Beware to those who love me now
You're gunna get the worst now
I'll look the same
Have the exact name
And not even know who's talking to you now
It's only a matter of time now
I've almost worn her down now
Then I'll step in
And release her sins
Upon those who used her now
Come on now
Get ready to play now
I'm not out yet
But I'm warning you now

Slip and shatter
What's the matter?
I can tell what's up
By the space of your mental crater.
Use your words
Eloquent or blurred
Use them all
There's nothing I haven't heard.
Bad for me
Bad for you
Make a point
That isn't true
Is this the best you can put me through?
Pour it up
Hold your smoke
The 151 frightens you
The **** makes you choke
Piling up on those mental notes
They don't match the words that you just wrote
You can't control what you can't provoke
My safety is my own
And you seem like a harmless bloke
So please
Enlighten me
Make me notice
What I obviously don't see
Wether you love or destroy
Wether I'm on a pedestal or just a toy
Wether we're clear for annihilation
Wether we keep the peace
Wether we walk the straight line
Or just on the crease
None of the damage will ever cease
But you'll be lucky to see tears from me
Make me hurt
Make me bleed
Make me worry
******* make me see
If the problem of the matter
Is indeed me
It's all the same to me
I keep it simple
Keep it honest
Calm you the best way I can
And at that, I'm not always the best
I'll be the one your head lays to rest
You be the wave
I'll be the crest
Just don't feel that I'm unaware
That the danger will slowly progress
You're not my guinea pig
And you say I'm not a test
Theories will be proven, though
And some slightly laid to the side
Never really leaving
Always within the corner of our eyes
Love or friend
Killer or foe
Tell me what's on your mind
I'll promise to be the only one to know

Clouded and hazed
Red eyes and blazed
Burning the tips of my mental fray
I guess I lived another day
Inhale and choke
Giggle mid ****
I held it in before you spoke
Burning throats
Hooded coats
Hide from them
Without invisibility cloaks
Party tricks
Match and mix
Help me scratch my musical itch
Zone out far
Pick out stars
Who cares about the smell in your car?
Share a cig
Have a mental dig
Excavate the thoughts I've hid
I'll be honest if that's what you bid
But wouldn't you rather take another hit?
Shotgun cough
We're both lost
Is it true or is it false?
That's not the bridge that we need now cross
Different views
***** shoes
I stare at them instead of you
Avoid all the questions too
I have no answers and have no idea what to do
Just light up again
Keep light, my friend
Breathe in once more and it'll never end
I'll smile and laugh
Cough up some hash
Get out of the car and rid the evidence in the trash
Sharing with you our personal stash
And making the smile we need last

She's crash test dummy
If her life doesn't exist
It makes the collision that much more funny
In the name of science
And good intentions
She makes men smarter
And inspire their pensions
Crash her once
My love didn't work
Crash her twice
Just by being a ****
Crash her thrice
Cause I wasn't there
Don't crash 4 times
The dummy is out of spares
But it's alright
It's just a test
If I really loved her
Then her life would be a success
No broken pieces
No cracked face
No mixed emotions
Pouring out all over the place
If she were real
The impact would be set gently
If she drew breath
Her lungs wouldn't be empty
She's a crash test dummy
And they move from time to time
Sometimes mine cries
When she's out of the reach of my eyes
Her heart could be damaged
But that's what she agreed
She'll suffer any demolishing pain
If it means the love of me
Though the pain outweighs the pleasure
The sobs outlast the laughter
She can be teary and smiling
And with a combo like that
Makes a human seem so inhumane
So a dummy she has become
My dummy in the least
I test to she if she'll become real
And she never tests me

Strive for the best
Live through the worst
Fight off the itch
I'll never come first
Selfishness
Comes with a price
If you're not alone
You have to pay it twice
Reach for a glass of courage
Slap
Light the up the fumes
Slap
Grasp for the knife
Slap
**** out the light
Fine
Awake and confined
No zephyr propelled cloud
To guide my dreams tonight
Look into the dark
Fear myself more than it
Feel what you don't
Hate myself for it
Crave snaps into my brain
****** thoughts in violent refrain
Not just a bad day
I can handle all that
I can only say
I've had nightmares before that
Craze
Frenzy
Thirst
Angry
Wheezing
Groping
Never hoping
Memories pierce
Hatred provoking
I can literally feel myself choking
But you'll be satisfied
If I do it silently
Sobriety makes me wish myself
Into nothing
Live in my head
Not a happy tenant
Force words out into the void
In hopes to be repentant
But I sin more than I breathe
And it difficult when I have no air
Just laying awake and screaming in silence
So not to wake one sleeping near
Guess I'll accommodate
They say they'll accept me
But not my self hate
It's unattractive
And looks poorly on me
Though it's my beings natural majority
I fear it's just a matter of time
When my good intentions
**** up my life

Drown it down
Spell it out
Use my brain
For what you're thinking about
Crush the ash
Take a bash
Take a harder hit
To make it all last
Clench your fist
Grind your teeth
Feel the sweat
Pour out of me
Make the martyr
**** the king
Play whatever you want
Just let me ******* sing
Mark my words
Lay it in my skin
An angel outside of my eyes
But a demon within
Shoot the ****
Pull the trigger
Itch the spot
Till the wound grows bigger
Fester now
No use for a cure
I've suffered this disease
Long before dying on the floor
Whisper my name
Scream it in hate
Son of the father
The ***** was born to desecrate
Nail the tracks
Hammering falls
Spear through my side
But I can still crawl
Force my hand
Knuckles break
No more fingers of mine
I can use to take
****** drips
Drip past my eyes
It made the power
To see past all lies
Smile wide
Laugh if you can
It can only mean
You know not what I am
Trust me blindly
Leave me your mind
There's always something in there
That I will find
Just don't sentence me to life

You speak first
I'll listen intently
What's in the box?
I'll open it gently
The creases are wound tight
But the container is bulging
I'll gladly release
What's bound in your psyche
Our scars are alike
The timeline just placed separately
Our hands both broken
Together we're filthy
In our eyes
We hope for innocently
But we know better
We've seen where this is going.
What's in mine, you ask?
I'll share reluctantly.
Fumble through words
And phrase so clumsily
To piece a thought
And a feeling together recklessly.
You wonder more each time
I voice myself what I think to be
Completely.
And now a stand still
Mirror images waiting for the other to blink first.
Our fingers tremble on the trigger
Held lovingly against our heads
Either you, or I or both
Die this instantly.
What's in my brain box?
What's the absent of emotion you try to assume?
Do I stay this calm
Once you've exited the room?
Is my pulse and flatline
Too hard to handle?
Do I confound your resolve?
Am I a prize on your mantle?
Are you not satisfied
When I revert my eyes?
I can stop staring
Whenever you like?
I remember once saying
One day it won't be enough
To want companionship
And then it being something you couldn't trust.
Has that day come?
Shall I store you as well
Inside my brain box?
Through music and words and pictures now documented
That you exist in my world
Of mere false images
You've played your game well
You stepped inside my hollow shell
And filled it with your memoirs
Of your own private hell
Bouncing around and entangling yours
With mine as well.
I may not feel much
And my mimic to do so maybe slightly out of touch
And loving is just another one of those crutches
I love many
Too much
And this race to my heart
Has left it hardened and crusted
And now my brain box has no bottom
Things just fall out
And those who can't fathom it
Tend to walk out
So why the need to know what's inside?
You'd know your brain box better than I would know mine.

Call me Eve
It seems fitting
The vessel of which original sin
Was sitting
Take a bite
Feel the idea of your choices
Chained to your brain
Unfeeling
I've marked you with me
The big guys is upset
I've made perfection
Seem like a fiery pit
As long as you don't choke on it
As your throat swells around
And I'm nowhere to be found
I'm on another mission
Feeding the fruit to others around
I guess it's what I'm made to be
Knowing the consequences
But keeping the sin for me
I'm sure you needn't care
You took the biggest bite
Then claimed you were unaware
Just as long as I'm there
Taking the blame
Absorbing the shame
Breaking the frame
Of my cynical brain
I'm the stereotype of why the atonement was made
I take it gladly
When all others are afraid
Come in close
And whisper my name
Forget your own
That's the fruit in play
The game of wills
Its my kind of game
No one lasts as long as I
I'll explain the rules
But never the prize
And see the strategy in my eyes
I'll make it known
My purpose comes with a warning label
You read and accept
Feeling strong and able
Sweep the conditions under the table
The taste is sweet
But the effects are fable
I warned you, Adam
And now it's my fault
The sin was ours
But I saw it first
And now I must sin
To quench my thirst

Quick as sand through a hole
Collecting down further
To the whole
They fall to preach
Of a time now spent
Still a bit left
Not enough to repent
Pray my sand leaks out
Through a crack
Or shattered glass
I need not know
How long I'll last
A moment here or there
Of hidden joy
Go out with a bang, dear
Don't obsess of time wasted
Can't go back
The sand has risen
And all you are to do
Is to let yourself be pulled down
The constant state of motion
Not the wait from beginning to end
You're just wasting more sand
And now I'll try
To spare some of mine
My time is filled
With other's sands all of the time
So why not share what could be refined?
My hourglass shape
Shows my time
On my arms and in my mind
I've spilt some sand that wasn't mine
Living longer is simply my crime
So let me fall
And I'll fall right past
I need not know
How long I'll last

Out of space
Once again
Finding love in friends
Complicate
Desecrate
What could be right
I know I'll lose
But hell
I'm up for a fight.
Open up
Light it twice
Don't you dare ask for advice
I've been so quiet
For so long
I don't want to hear the voice
That I've become
Tears now shed
A vacant stare
I hide far from
Feeling my share
Apart of you
Is a part of me
Forever bound
And forever free

My former life is halting
My predators continue stalking
Be the prey
Or be the killer prompting?
I'd let you in but I'm too busy striking.
Relate
Empathizing
Listen
Criticizing
Scar for scar
Show me your shards and try to piece them with mine.
I'll pay the toll
Yours is cheaper
And worth my worthless time.
I'm made for the aimless drive.
My purpose of living is to live a lie.
Padded locks and dead bolt strains
Are the only protection of my rampant brain.
Take the pulse
Heartbeat false
I could be an enemy so keep me close.
Be wary what you say
I'll let you think you what you wish
Remaining a stranger
With an unexplainable imprint.
Try to disappoint me
Try to pick apart my flaws
Try to find the weak spot
I know mine better than all.
I've been on lockdown for years
The trick is to expose
Get used to the hated traits
And then let them all go.
I'm not a sage
I cannot fix your brain
I cannot feel the pressure
Of resurrecting your frame.
I'm selfish at most
Keep people around to hide within their cloaks.
I'm the breath when others choke
I'm accustomed to the toxic fumes
Like The Hills have Eyes,
I'm addicted to the abuse.
Mark my words
Or let them air.
I'll give you comfort
While you're entangled in your snare.
Be my savior?
Take on my past?
I've taken my bruises
And like people,
They never last.
So use your master key
The latches will open easily
My secrets are crosses
That I don't carry with ecstasy.
My attachment to them
Are much like your attachment to me.
Acknowledge the weight
But pretend to lift them effortlessly.
It's not a warning
Or a method to scare away
Just take it as a note
That what's locked is so for a reason.

Look at her
Such a pretty face
Looks like a keeper
But her thoughts vanish without a trace
What is she thinking of?
Who is on her mind?
The emotional fortress that keeps her
In the walls, behind
Could it be a heartbreak?
Or some ****** up action that she constantly finds?
Maybe it's her smile
The way she handles it all
The way she catches herself
Everytime she falls.
It's something that makes you wonder
Something that keeps you there
She let's you walk away
But somehow she keeps you there.
It's a moment between joy
And and the rage she has to face.
She can laugh in the moment of tragedy
And be cold in soft embrace.
You know the one I'm speaking of.
The girl who knows it all.
You catch her thinking off in absence
And deep within withdrawal.
You count among her tears
The marks her face implies
She's seen a lot of happiness
But knows a lot of lies.
She's a trap
And pit of endless draw
She tells you to depart from her
And yet you can't *******.
Or addiction to emotion
When she can't feel any at all.
And yet you sit and wonder
Why you chose to stay.
Did you choose to be with her?
Was she born this way?
Questions you can't answer.
And yet you stubbornly try.
You force to be the comfort
To clear the tears in her eyes.
No.
She's just a cluster
Of many others and you.
Cause she's apart of everyone else
As she is apart of you.
So ******* run for the hills.
Escape to the reaches of peace
She cannot see the peice of you
Cause she never learned to feel.
She mimics and acts
Like she knows what you know
I can speak for the reckless girl.
Cause I am her right now.

Take a look
What do you see?
Maybe cross your eyes
Then look more closely
Do you see what I've been portraying?
Has your view
Been askew
So now you see more clearly?
Has my visage and form
Come together now?
I've been this all along
Although, I don't know how
Perhaps try again later
When your mind has had a rest
It not something worth seeing
When my confidence chooses to digress.
It's easier to ignore
When I make a fool of myself
You see the tattered humor
But not much else
A smile
A joke
A laugh
A hoax
A false account
Of what you describe
Because I'm someone less funny
Behind my own eyes.
I ****
I choke
I scream
And provoke
I use
I abuse
I tend to seem gentle
But I fake that too
The illusion is
I act just like you
Between the folds
Of good intention
And generosity
Is something else lurking
Less able to act empathetically
My friends can be counted
On fewer fingers than foes
But I have but two hands
And that's the way it goes
A pillar of control
But addicted to addiction
I love to touch bodies
But secretly hate the friction
And now you stare like I've nothing to show
My optical illusion
Like I would want you to know
The thrill inside if me grows
Of taking and ******
Your opinion that clearly shows
And it all thanks to you
I suppose
When you said fake it till I make it
I embody clear responsibility
But look closer
I'm full of ****

In my life
I horde one thing
I keep them tucked and hidden
They aren't much to see
But they mean the world to me
A certain collection
I've stolen from yourself and I
Just little trinkets
To get myself by
I have a collection of flaws
Of every shape and size
From bad manners to mental tremors
From unseen stumbles
And prideful banters
From rude personalities
Thinking they won't be caught
I've caught them all
And I keep them locked
Not for blackmail
Or notes of who not to encounter
I use them for insulin
To inject into my matter
Imperfections and chips
Creator mistakes
And discarded finds
Makes them all different
Within my eyes
Adopting a cluster
Of **** ups
No matter the deed
I'll filter your qualities
And keep the bad ones for me
The beauty of them
Wings pinned behind glass
I see what you miss
You can see them too
You need only ask
Brazen sculptures of bronze
Of rust and grit
Are the same imperfections
Within me that fit
Unaccounted pieces
Not part of the same mold
I piece together
And make it a whole
Handicapped
Thin or fat
Rumors and lies
I hold them compact
With my fingertips
Filling the cracks
Give me your loose ends
I'll make up for that
My gallerey of trash
A mountain I stash
I admire it often
When others throw it back
The insecurities
That no one loves about you
I adore them all
Someone has to
They take up my life
They get in the way
Not once will I discard them
They're with me to stay
Most have come to see my display
The sight of my obsession
Frightened them away
And I collected their fear
Their uneducated weird
And kept it with me
So a part of them still lingers here
It's not a quiet hobby
As one would like to have
It's my oxygen of stability
And a harsh one at that
Breathe it in
Choke back and relax
It gets easier each time
To breathe in your effects
Pollute me with sin
I won't struggle
But give in
The worst part of you
Is the best part of me
If you aren't convinced by now
Come to my collection
And see

You have to choose
Happiness, I mean
Despite the filth and muffled screams
You have to choose
To offend
Than to play the victim
Time and again
You have to decide
When you open your eyes
If you'll choose to smile
Or choose to cry
You must weigh out
The pros and cons
Of bearing the load
Or shrugging it off
You must admit
That, of course, it *****
To seek the silver lining
Through the settling dust
It is a choice
Not an easy one at that
To hold out your hand
Instead of withholding it back
To forgive without apologies
To forget without closure
To live your life bravely
Despite the crippling exsposure
To those who decide
To be selfish and snide
You give them your support
Despite your piece of mind
To move past regret
Though some lie and say they have none
If you regret you learn
And that lesson is done
Not everything in life is supposed to be fun
You cannot choose how the days go on
When the sun rises with hope
And sets without mercy or love
You can choose how you feel with it all
No one can make you
And they try hard
To break the one thing
That is holding you up
Life is too short
And misery is too long
To have someone else make
Those choices for you
Let them under your skin
And allow them to wear it too
To keep all secrets to yourself
Because you'll fear what they'll do
Collect your mistakes
Wear them with pride
Look them straight on
Without averting your eyes
They make you a pillar
For your own life to live
So make that difficult decision
To not only exist
But to live
It's heartbreaking to see
That those not so different from me
Choose to lay down
And let the bullets fly free
Into their person
Into their heart
Let the world crush them
Let the world draw and quarter them apart
And they call it strength
They call it courage
To allow such courtesies
To stifle their rage
Of a spirit unfulfilled
And a thirst unquenched
To become the filth
To add to the stench
It's not what the soul was fashioned for
It's not what free will is to be
To decay in the rubble
And let your choices be unseen
To take offense
To be utterly spent
To let your mind vaporize
Without consequence
You know what is right
You'll choose to do wrong
Those thoughts are yours alone
And only to you do they belong
I apologize
And I choose to be strong
But no one is perfect
And that's what's perfect about us all

Morning rise
Stretch the spine
Feel the pop of the breaking line
Resurfacing my present mind
Let it bubble and burst with rhyme
My internal clock is full of wasted time
And still I turn and look to find
The worth of all my past behind
I have no use of paper promises
Currency and it's lifeless uses
Savings accounts leave my memories
Unaccounted
And still I work these back breaking hours
And live a life of clocking in numbers
Seconds and minutes
Hours and day
Weeks and months
And years fly away
Leaving my intentions all the same
If I'm stagnant it would be a shame
Because every morning chime
I awake wishing for change
Insert some new pictures into my mental frame
And as I stand to the occasion
I find myself lame
Looking in the mirror somedays
To see if I have held myself at bay
Teetering from good and bad
As I see my image in disarray
Parting with the games I'd play
Replace them with a more responsible sway
Just tired I guess
Of cleaning the mess
Of picking up pieces
The wounds I would dress
Coddling those who never surpress
Their wants or needs
To my generous caress
Family and friends
Seems to be ever distressed
And still I reach out
My lips, I'd press
It's never a question of more or less
It's only my time and money I choose to invest
Smile through the trials
Grin through the pain
Go to sleep and have the strength
To wake the next morning
And do it again

Drunken rhyme
Regardless of the time
Things on my mind
Tag a swig
Make them dissapear
Another shot
Another joke
Take a moment
To Swallow the bitter choke
If it's meant to relax
Why do I grit?
Heart flutters
Thinning blood
Warm sweats
Take another one
Everclear
Left me blind
Had to quit
And resolve to lighter substances
Previous scars
Of un remembered drunken endeavors
Leave me lifted
In my own inebriation
I'll catch up
I'll have pace
Just keep me safe
In my little space
Takes a minute
To make me ok
Let me see
Another side
Of where I don't care
Being sober takes it's toll
And so does the drink
I wish I didn't care
What you really think
Just give me another one
Maybe join in the fun
I may be strong
And the liquor doesn't last long
But as long as I'm here
I'll have another shot
Or even a beer
As long as I'm not alone

Frantic eyes
Rapid breath
Shaking hands
Pursed lips
Rethink a thought
That isn't there
Hearing whispers
Through the air
Biting tongues
Bleeding taste
Don't let it show
On my face
Force a smile
Kick back a snarl
Find the courage
To fake it a little while
Hearing words
Concentrate
The sound of it is muffled
And untraceable
I can't make out the meaning of them
But try to acknowledge
With genuine interest
Keep them thinking
I'm listening
To them
Instead  of the ones screaming
Gnawing and raking my mind
Into a fine powered substance
Trapped and aching for escape
Lashing out on my own time
But on the clock
I hover from the tip of my spine
Hunched and ripped
To stay in line
I'm not crazy
I'm self aware with insanity
Cradle a moment of reason
To last me the rest of the day
Fighting a losing battle in every way
But as long as I'm fighting
And gripping a hold
I might have a chance
To vanish as a whole
Instead of living fragmented
And dispersed with different ideals
Of who a normal person should be
And I fade with some clarity
That I was meant to be in this place

Sacred vows
Now cheap obligation
Promises and ringed forgiveness
Say it back with some conviction
Speak up, girl
Use your diction
The priest is waiting for your decision
Staring at the man parallel
To spend a life with through insanity and hell
Now you see his intentions are well
Fight the urge for flight
But finding courage from the hits taken last night
Foggy trails of wedded delight
Masking the fumes of foreboding night
Snowstorm omens await your matrimony
Making it known that it's not just for now it will be stormy
Crack the glass
Tip the bottle
Dance our dance
Two steps back
We had the strength to move further from that
We dance right through our holy pact
Now that all our time has lapsed
The last grain of truth fell through the hourglass
Cleaning up and looking back
Memoirs of our wedding trash
Throw it out
It was a memory passed
One day that we forgave the past
Kissed so true
Hands tightly clasped
Man and wife
Became monster and *****
Too proud to say we would ever take it back
Too hateful to assure it was worth the blast
Too kind to pull the trigger too fast
Shotgun wedding without the ***** filled sack
Praying for it to never come to that
Make an honest woman of me at last
At least we don't have to disappoint
Everyone assumed where this was going
Trace our steps back to the alter
Take back our words
Reverse the legality on paper
Pull off rings and our fake tremors
Replace it with who we really were to begin with
Shape and create a ending with splendor
Finish the way we started
I'm game for either
Get a reaction
No such luck
I went crazy on your behalf before
This final indenture
I don't owe you a pound of flesh
You had my mind
When I thought I had lost it
Keeping it locked and hidden in a box marked lovers
And now you show it back all tattered
The wrinkles once healthy
Now sag with bitter remebrance
And grey with genuine attempts and constant failures
You saw potential
You declared a ways back
A molding I tried to pour myself in
But instead it cracked
All you see now is what I lack
No purpose
No sense
No redeeming countenance
Just a used up waste of penitence
Apologies and sincere regret
What the **** would you do with that?
Each promise broken
Moved up two steps back
Go figure we moved behind
Instead of progressing forward on this track
It's not a race
And in our disgrace
We both lost ourselves
Before we stepped on the starting place

That strangeness
The odd space that you fill
Waking and sleeping and simply existing
Within my tiny realm
Careless kisses
Unnumbered and uncounted
By the moments when we just couldn't help it
I'm all but aware of the silence
Even when in crowded spaces
Seeing your face
And it's warmth I'd embrace
To allow me to feel okay
Trying hard not to get used to it everyday
But that's the joke that's been played
On me
Waiting and bracing myself
Till the next time you come to spin my world
Break me from routine
Chase me to the side of the bed
Wake in reluctance next to me
Wake me with your lips instead
Appear in every walk of the day
Plucking strings
Hearing your voice sing
Figuring out our lives to be
Knowing you'll be home waiting for me
You've broken through the cracks
Living inside
Breathing the air I breathe
Pumping the blood through me
Keeping my eyes open
And excited to see
The life I want so badly
Ahead of me
My pillar
My rock
The current reason why I get up
Instead of spiral and sloth about
My focal point
I keep my eyes on you
You're worth all the ****
I've ever gone through
If it means being loved by you
How I miss you

Journals strewn
Frantic writings
My thoughts are hewn
My mind is fighting
With memories and resolves
That I was describing
Younger versions of myself
Always complaining
Thinking that being bullet proof
Would keep them from shooting
If I could talk to her
The girl I was
Maybe shed some light and some tears
For her cause
Extract a little bit of blood
From those who manipulated her
From the bits of paper
Upon I once wrote
Words have always been a way
To communicate my joy and rage
Inside the diaries I would wage
Wars in my head
But the battles never escaped
They should have
Then now I would have a cleaner slate
To place newer memories of calmer days
Instead they live side by side
Thought I left behind my past
Instead it would just hide
Behind meshes of meat and coils in my mind
Bits of paper
Lonely words
Always written
Never heard
Trying my hardest
Not to sound absurd
In my attempts to be a normal girl
I guess old habits are the hardest to break
I continue writing of demons and angels
That never escape
Hold them back
Try to forsake
The others that live in my thoughts
Everyday
Only few outside of me
Can banish them away
Clear the settling dust of my fate
My bits of paper
My life in script
You can enter at your will
And live in safety of never being apart of it
I guess that's been my only wish
To live through words
To simply exist
Swinging my feelings from limb to limb
And always shifting regardless of whim
Rotting away underneath perfect skin
Dorian gray meets zombie land
Feasting and pleasuring on human sins
Knowing that's not who I really am
But on bits of paper
It contradicts
My good intentions
With my former riots
Never completely evil
Or wholly good
Knocked down off my feet
Where I firmly stood
Creeping with a soundless craze
They saw me smile and always misunderstood
Bits of paper
That's all I am
Past, present and future
That's all I have
Records of who I am
And who I'm not
I keep them all
In case they'll be forgotten
No treasure or wealth or object of praise
Will ever banish my words away

It's not a matter of right or wrong
Sideways glances push me off my straight and narrow path
Keep them happy
Let them see
The person they wish you to be
Someone less like me
Some may say I'm not a saint
Then again, I never claimed to be
Leave you to your conclusions
Your opinion is fine by me
Give too much
Take too little
Ask for nothing
And over supply the beggars hands
With everything I have
It should be reason enough
For them to let me alone
With the choices I'm free to make.
I don't count my blessings
In time they'll be taken away.
I let the **** of my endeavors ooze out of my mental cracks
Keep my eyes forward
Never look back
Perhaps the road I'm leaving behind
Will help me define
The steps I've taken from time to time
Just because I've let it slide
Doesn't mean I've forgotten every ride
Of every individual thought that wasn't mine.
I'll give you your chance to shine
Even if it's my life that's on the line.
My skin is tougher than you'd like to think
Why do you think I've been able to sink?
Making each step closer with you to the brink
Talking sense to senseless people
Make notions and attempts
I fail myself and them
Shameless in the life I command
I get to play the villain and the friend.
I surround myself with weaker types
For that'll make me stronger by default.
Next to one stronger than I
Means I cannot compare my faults
To their faultless standard.
And who needs that kind of pressure?

Don't open your eyes
Don't look in the sun
Don't allow your dreams to leave
As quickly as they come
The AM chime
In your mind
Is just a farce
It's still night time.
Don't leave the covers
Don't stir around
If you stay asleep, love
You're easily found
I'll be here watching
Simply admiring
The one that I'm loving
Hoping a dream
Has something to do with me
And when you awake
I'll be what you see.
So stay asleep
Leave the morning to me
I'll fix it so your waking dreams
Become reality

Just because you're family
Doesn't mean you have rights to me
My secrets kept
Are just that
They're hidden and swept
Under the rugs from your eyes.
If you find out you'd just call them lies
And there's truth to that plight
Blood hasn't  given you the god given right
To have a say in everything in my life
Keep in mind
The things you've confided in me
Without judgement and without confessing
To the rest of the world
Defining
What kind of person I've come to be.
Play your game
Let me play mine
You grew up with me
But you weren't always there to check my vital signs
You weren't there for every bit of time
I collapsed and reached out to find
You weren't there
And I still ended up fine.
Being the youngest of five
Doesn't make me the dumbest one in line.
I learned from the mistakes of four others
To keep my faults under these covers.
Being naive in front of the clan
Is apart of my plan
Blend in and refrain
From voicing opinions that won't be heard anyways.
Just because you're family
Doesn't mean
You own me
So *******
Or play my game

What right to I have
To feel slighted in the end
What right do I have to tears
When I've shed his time and again
What right do I have to pity
An apology in his hands
I acted without so much
As an apologetic bend
What right to I have to surprise
When I saw it a mile away
What right do I have to hoping
That things could have worked out a different way.
What right do I have for a helping hand
I never asked for a thing
Why should I stop now
When he finally said that he's leaving me.
Should I feel happy?
Some sort of relief?
I get a chance to make my life
Exactly as I see
And yet there's something pulling me
As it always does at the end of things
The final pull of gravity
Before the super nova scene.
It was said
Those simple words
The kind that ends a life together
And ends my love and yours
I spent so long pushing you away
I guess it finally worked
I have too much respect for you now
To pull you back and make it worse
I lived up to my curse
And brought you with me
Let you in the depths of my crime
And abandoned you screaming.
It's less than what I deserve
To part with out anger
To be a positive life force
Asking for me to avoid being a stranger
I don't deserve such mercy
But I can only accept it lovingly
Just as you once accepted me

Anticipate
It's coming soon
Fears in motion
I'll get what's been coming to
Me
Two sided coin
Lands on it's side
Cradle my hopes
It's time to decide
Making certain
That's this time it's a choice I can't deny.
Too far gone
To turn back now
One foot off the ledge
The plummet keeps me from turning
Around
Let it be a quick drop
To the ground
I promise I won't make a sound
Fade in my head
The world that's real
Regardless of how many times I escape it
It penetrates through everything I feel
To forsake a love I didn't plan to steal?
Or the one I promised to embrace at the alter?
How can these truths be altered?
I never planned to falter
My heart was mine to squander.
Telling lies
Prove them right
Diminish any kind of hopeful light
Despite the love I chose to fight
It's easier to hate than it is to try.
I can't reply
I can't retry
Stuck in a rock and an iron maiden
Remove my decision
Sentence me to fading
I never intended to keep you waiting
Hoping that I'm cementing
Something more solid
Than what I've been showing.
That's what I get for knowing
Asking you questions
And you sure as hell told me
Thinking that choosing can be easy
Dying is simple
Just as breathing is instinct
I could have been better
I would have stayed away from the brink
Looking over
Taking cover
All this space
Can cause a person to smother
Any kind of human demeanor
Doing things that should be thought through
But it was always an exception when it came to you.
The home now where my thoughts reside
I keep them caged behind my eyes
They're only allowed to torture me every night
And I know you'll see them from time to time
You can be the strongest man alive
But the weight that buckles me is mine.
I'll hold fast for now, my love
My grip will tighten each time it comes
The waves that push and toss around
My resolve to be safe and sound.
Don't hurry to my side
Don't be responsible for my life
Don't challenge my monsters to a fight
Just stay with me till I fall asleep tonight.
Hold fast, love
Hold tight
If you let go
I too just might

Impossible to think
But it's all that I can do
A life in me
Came from the love of you
Tell you first
Of what could be
Expecting fear
A hesitant scene
Thinking too much of good
Can eventually lead to too much of a bad thing
The sick feeling
The smile on your face
The google search of symptoms and a trace
Of hope
Win win
Lose lose
It's hardly a dream I'd wait to choose
Talking of moments
If it all came out true
Timing is bad
But when is it not?
When it comes to us
We tend to move through those spots
Faster than we have time to think
Letting our words settle
And allowing our love to sink
Into me
Growing
Holding
What could be an image of our family.
The one we crave so desperately
Taking part what was once you and me
And creating a third
Both of us fitting into one small person
So perfectly
Asking if I'm scared or excited
Knowing you'll be there
Regardless of what's decided
This little thought left my brain ignited
Into fractures of images that can't be forgotten.
I see the way your eyes light up when you hear her name
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
That song has right to have fame
Taken from stars
And giving a name
This non existent child
Who has your humor
And my small frame.
My eyes
Your smile
Some pigtails
And dimples
A personality of innocent wonder
And perhaps a little brother.
Made by us and no others.
What if this is who we're meant to be?
Not just lovers to each other
But guardians of these children with me.
What if our hopes don't just exist in our dreams?
If we can touch them
If they are as perfect as we see
Tangability
Right at our finger tips
We could always do what we feel is right
Or instead we can do this.
Cause being upstanding isn't as great as it seems
We've both tried it and we drove ourselves crazy
Unless it's the insanity that we create.
So let's make some more
They'll be better at it without debate
Cracking us up
And holding us down
Driving us nuts
When they make that suspicious silent sound.
Hearing their staggered steps around
When they learn to walk on the ground.
What if this is who we're meant to be, sweetheart?
For each other
But more for them to be apart
Of their lives that we constantly talk about.

It's strange to see the female form
The personalities they've developed out of the norm
The way they speak
They're actions weak
Falling into the mold as someone meek.
They try to rile up to the idea of strength
Doing things unladylike and less like a saint
Swearing like sailors and keeping up drink for drink
Agreeing with the stupid **** that men tend to think.
But screaming at bugs and making belligerent scenes.
Makes me wonder how I turned to be
Not like a lady
And not like male majority.
Hit like a girl?
I hit like a brick
Who carries a knife or a gun?
That's the guy's job
Not the chick's.
Most will assume
I have more guy friends then girls
Because I'm permiscuous
And without a clue.
Trying to find the next masculine thrill
Let them into my pants
Because I'm on the pill?
That makes me invincible, right?
If I can't get knocked up
You're up for some fun tonight?
I avoid guys of that type
Cause that encourages the ******* female stereotype.
I'm no feminist
By any stretch of the imagination
I shave my armpits
And I hate petitions
I love cooking
And chick flicks on occasion
But I have a habit
Of acting above my station.
I talk freely about *******
I watch ****
And I listen to the metal rock sensation.
I bleed without hesitation
Wether it's on cutting my fingers on accident
Or my monthly menstration
I go to my job
To ******* work
Not to show up and whine
And allow my duties to shirk
You can't earn something
Without working for it first
So if you're lazy and broke
You deserve it, dumb ****.
I don't assume that I get what I want
With a bat of my eyes
I don't think I'm the apple in my father's eyes
I only manipulate
To get the attention away from my sight
I feel sorry for those gentile lies
That I'm supposed to own power
Because of my breast size.
If I'm blunt then I'm a *****
Too quiet then a ***** doormat
Too funny then I'm annoying and try too hard
Too boring then I'm a ***** with no substance.
I've cast these judgements
Of fellow girls alike
They act all tough
Until it's time to fight.
Grow out your nails
Put your earrings to the side
Talk a big talk
Then run from the blight
Acting like the bigger person
To cover the fright.
Don't start ****
If you don't plan to swing
Then your big words
Don't mean a ******* thing
Stay behind my back when you talk about me
You know better than to say it in front of me
A flick of my blade
A flash of my eyes
You wouldn't last long
Considering my size
If I have something to say
I'll say it to you
Because I know there's nothing you're going to do.
I won't waste another thought on you.
Live up to your anatomy
Leave mine up to me
You'll find that your substance
Is only false imagery.
Not all girls
Are like what I'm describing
But the lack of female rationality
Is the reason why we're constantly destroying
Our good names.
Don't be a man
Don't be a ****
Just be what you think
Be what you want.
Just because you have the power of the hole
Doesn't mean you have to act like a dumb *******.

It's only pornographic if you look
It's only lust if you feel
It's only hard when you touch
It's only fornicating if you squeal
It's only heartbreak if I leave
It's only grief if you stay
It's only pity if I comfort
It's only lies if you believed them anyways
It's only justified if I'm the *****
It's only excused cause I did it first
It's only love if it hurts
It's only hate if I no longer quench your thirst
It's only pain if you remain
It's only this
It's only that
It's only a kiss
It's only a whack
It's only a life
It only takes time
It's only a matter of getting yourself by
It's a matter of feeling
It's only hoping it to be real
It's only a hijack
If you get caught mid steal
It's only everything
It's nothing at all
It's only a line with a baited hook
It's only pornographic if you look

Growing in a sense of faceless fears. I know I'm scared but I don't know of who or what. It's directed at images and sounds that flicker in the front screen of my brain.

"Did you call my name?"

My parents answer no. Must be hearing things again. Not to be worried about an overly active imagination of a child. Things are perceived as supernatural when it's just the wind, at that age anyways. My sisters seem to know but never confess. They hear and feel the same kind of distress that I do. Try to find an answer. I don't want to be alone.

Share a room
Sister cries
In her sleep
The room is ice
But there's summer heat
Right outside
Too afraid to pull open my eyes.
Maybe I'm just dreaming lies.

This house is out to get a thrill. Making noises and causing chills. Causing the animals outside to shrill in screams and wild panic. Don't get me started on the upstairs attic. Sounds like something is always making a racket.

Pillows at every corner of my face
Trying to hide
Under cotton and lace
Pretend that I'm soundly asleep
And then...I hear the whispering creep.

My mother's childhood was a tragic one. Mental instability within her family had run.
Her father a ******
And not the comical sort
Took her innocence
And she lost her family support.
She prayed that it would stop completely
Better be specific with the prayers Gods receiving
He made it stop
To say the least
Her father was caught under an assembly belt
And his body was creased.

There are different kinds of dead that still linger with life. The guardians, the demons and those who believe themselves to still be alive. And guess which category in which my mother's father qualifies? He haunted us and took delight. We had the face of our mother in our youth alike. I saw him multiple times at the foot of my bed at night. That's how I knew of my sudden gift...can't be that close to death and not expect to recognize it after seeing it.

He saw me look
He knew I saw
That's what targeted
My nightly trauma
I'd awaken with a gasp to find out next
His idea of fingers were wrapped around my neck
And with that touch I found in me
I could see his history.
Like a flip book of pages constantly moving.
He jumped off bridges
Did magic tricks with cards
Read the bible like a saint
Before taking in charge
Of my mothers virtue at large.
He was good with a joke
Looked like Fred Astaire
With his widened forehead
And his crisp red hair
I saw his death the quickest of all
It was apart of his life
But the part in which he was in denial.
Racing my heart and seeing his smile
Convinced me there's nothing wrong with staying up late for awhile.

I confessed to my parents of who I had seen. Unknowing at that time of whom I was describing. My mother looked sick and wide eyed with doubt. What the hell is coming out of her child's mouth? Who would have told me? How did I know? I must have been snooping and in fear threw her stones. Making me sleep all alone. No sisters to crawl in bed with when he came around.

"If you ever speak of this again,
You be sleeping in an asylum and not a bed."
So I silenced my voice and quietly went
Into my room but never slept.

Complicate
Penetrate
All my walls
Just let them break.
Love me more than I can take
It's no longer something I debate.
Feel you stare
Fingers through my hair
Let you hold me
Let me care.
Feeling more than I thought was there.
How was it possible that you've been here
All along without me unaware?
Heartache was love for me for longer than I can remember.
I was used to it's customs
I greeted it while holding anger.
Do you see
What you've done to me?
You've ruined me
You made me dream.
Reminded me of the things I love
Let them surface
Accepted them all.
Even all the nasty flaws.
I tried to hide them
Tried to fix them before you saw.
How did you do it?
After all the others who'd been through it?
Suffered the tears and the angry words.
My self loathing and my distant stares
Talking me through when I'm not there.
What can I give you?
What do I have?
To make you so sure that you want this so bad?
The things so pure that you see
Are the things you've unknowingly added into me.
Replacing my apathy, so lovingly,
With more than what I thought I could be.
How could I repay such generosity?
Never changing
Never fixing
Never doubting
That I ever had to act differently
Into someone who fits your ideal imagery.
Never wanting saving
But reluctantly and stubbornly
Somehow I gave you permission to rescue me.
What the ****, baby?
Look at the state of me
I was so used to being dead
Living was just breathing
And it was so easy.
Being stone cold was simple
Compared to feeling.
You saw my tears
My rapid breathing
Waking nightmares
Drunken confessing
Self mutilating
Suicidal repressing
My lack of certain emotions
That I can't bring myself to feeling.
And there you are quietly accepting
Listening and not defeating
The words I say with comforting words
That are often misleading.
Never thought I'd be the one pleading
For someone to never leave me.
Your precious love is more than sweetness.
It's more than blind forgiveness.
It's more than the pretty words and actions you make
It's the things you've seen in me
And still you wait.
Loving the unlovable person
That I had to create.
You molded me into someone with breath.
Breathing life into me with every caress.
Keeping my thoughts in our universe
Whenever they wander, you wander with them too.
Never leaving me alone with them even if they have nothing to do with you.
Fearing nothing and everything at once
Giving me what I've always wanted
A chance
To be who I should have been
Before I became this.
I love you more each time I glance
At your face smiling back.

It started young. I suppose that god recruits those with gifts that way. Bouncing back now with his existence in my thoughts, I find myself coming back to one memory. Supposing if I were to deny him completely there was that reminder that I tend to strain my brand of faith with.

Small legs. First in a pool while all others were inside, I thought I could manage the depth of it's water. Young ones rationalize things that way. I swam to six feet when I could hardly touch my toes in three. Started to swallow water and the water started swallowing me.

Frantically kicking
Managed to the ledge
Gripping my fingertips
Slipping them off instead

Too little to consider the thoughts in my head. Panic and blood rushing. All I could smell was the burn of the chlorine. Lapping and splashing to be heard because my voice was drowning already. Swallowing hurts. Then...there was another voice I heard.

"Hands up"
Quiet at first
Could have been a thought
That I knew wouldn't work
"Reach out"
Audible now but still frantic
Gripping at the ledge again
Slip, scrape, sink
Sinking down
Almost calm and mostly tired
"HANDS UP!"
Loud and clear
Bottom of the pool
And I could still hear

Little hands, in a slow moving haste, lifted in a six ft deep prison that could have led me to a six ft grave. Close my eyes and allowed the lull of the sway drift me to another place.

Flashes of light
My hand held tight
My eyes pry open
No one in sight.
Heaving the water out of my chest
Looking around
Still no one to be found
As this little child lay wet and crying on the ground.

I'm indebted to no one to be seen. The debt is now the price of my reality and my dreams. Not knowing if it was God...or the others who chose to save me. All I remember is that's the day "they" started visiting me.