Frantic eyes
Rapid breath
Shaking hands
Pursed lips
Rethink a thought
That isn't there
Hearing whispers
Through the air
Biting tongues
Bleeding taste
Don't let it show
On my face
Force a smile
Kick back a snarl
Find the courage
To fake it a little while
Hearing words
Concentrate
The sound of it is muffled
And untraceable
I can't make out the meaning of them
But try to acknowledge
With genuine interest
Keep them thinking
I'm listening
To them
Instead  of the ones screaming
Gnawing and raking my mind
Into a fine powered substance
Trapped and aching for escape
Lashing out on my own time
But on the clock
I hover from the tip of my spine
Hunched and ripped
To stay in line
I'm not crazy
I'm self aware with insanity
Cradle a moment of reason
To last me the rest of the day
Fighting a losing battle in every way
But as long as I'm fighting
And gripping a hold
I might have a chance
To vanish as a whole
Instead of living fragmented
And dispersed with different ideals
Of who a normal person should be
And I fade with some clarity
That I was meant to be in this place

Sacred vows
Now cheap obligation
Promises and ringed forgiveness
Say it back with some conviction
Speak up, girl
Use your diction
The priest is waiting for your decision
Staring at the man parallel
To spend a life with through insanity and hell
Now you see his intentions are well
Fight the urge for flight
But finding courage from the hits taken last night
Foggy trails of wedded delight
Masking the fumes of foreboding night
Snowstorm omens await your matrimony
Making it known that it's not just for now it will be stormy
Crack the glass
Tip the bottle
Dance our dance
Two steps back
We had the strength to move further from that
We dance right through our holy pact
Now that all our time has lapsed
The last grain of truth fell through the hourglass
Cleaning up and looking back
Memoirs of our wedding trash
Throw it out
It was a memory passed
One day that we forgave the past
Kissed so true
Hands tightly clasped
Man and wife
Became monster and *****
Too proud to say we would ever take it back
Too hateful to assure it was worth the blast
Too kind to pull the trigger too fast
Shotgun wedding without the ***** filled sack
Praying for it to never come to that
Make an honest woman of me at last
At least we don't have to disappoint
Everyone assumed where this was going
Trace our steps back to the alter
Take back our words
Reverse the legality on paper
Pull off rings and our fake tremors
Replace it with who we really were to begin with
Shape and create a ending with splendor
Finish the way we started
I'm game for either
Get a reaction
No such luck
I went crazy on your behalf before
This final indenture
I don't owe you a pound of flesh
You had my mind
When I thought I had lost it
Keeping it locked and hidden in a box marked lovers
And now you show it back all tattered
The wrinkles once healthy
Now sag with bitter remebrance
And grey with genuine attempts and constant failures
You saw potential
You declared a ways back
A molding I tried to pour myself in
But instead it cracked
All you see now is what I lack
No purpose
No sense
No redeeming countenance
Just a used up waste of penitence
Apologies and sincere regret
What the **** would you do with that?
Each promise broken
Moved up two steps back
Go figure we moved behind
Instead of progressing forward on this track
It's not a race
And in our disgrace
We both lost ourselves
Before we stepped on the starting place

That strangeness
The odd space that you fill
Waking and sleeping and simply existing
Within my tiny realm
Careless kisses
Unnumbered and uncounted
By the moments when we just couldn't help it
I'm all but aware of the silence
Even when in crowded spaces
Seeing your face
And it's warmth I'd embrace
To allow me to feel okay
Trying hard not to get used to it everyday
But that's the joke that's been played
On me
Waiting and bracing myself
Till the next time you come to spin my world
Break me from routine
Chase me to the side of the bed
Wake in reluctance next to me
Wake me with your lips instead
Appear in every walk of the day
Plucking strings
Hearing your voice sing
Figuring out our lives to be
Knowing you'll be home waiting for me
You've broken through the cracks
Living inside
Breathing the air I breathe
Pumping the blood through me
Keeping my eyes open
And excited to see
The life I want so badly
Ahead of me
My pillar
My rock
The current reason why I get up
Instead of spiral and sloth about
My focal point
I keep my eyes on you
You're worth all the ****
I've ever gone through
If it means being loved by you
How I miss you

Journals strewn
Frantic writings
My thoughts are hewn
My mind is fighting
With memories and resolves
That I was describing
Younger versions of myself
Always complaining
Thinking that being bullet proof
Would keep them from shooting
If I could talk to her
The girl I was
Maybe shed some light and some tears
For her cause
Extract a little bit of blood
From those who manipulated her
From the bits of paper
Upon I once wrote
Words have always been a way
To communicate my joy and rage
Inside the diaries I would wage
Wars in my head
But the battles never escaped
They should have
Then now I would have a cleaner slate
To place newer memories of calmer days
Instead they live side by side
Thought I left behind my past
Instead it would just hide
Behind meshes of meat and coils in my mind
Bits of paper
Lonely words
Always written
Never heard
Trying my hardest
Not to sound absurd
In my attempts to be a normal girl
I guess old habits are the hardest to break
I continue writing of demons and angels
That never escape
Hold them back
Try to forsake
The others that live in my thoughts
Everyday
Only few outside of me
Can banish them away
Clear the settling dust of my fate
My bits of paper
My life in script
You can enter at your will
And live in safety of never being apart of it
I guess that's been my only wish
To live through words
To simply exist
Swinging my feelings from limb to limb
And always shifting regardless of whim
Rotting away underneath perfect skin
Dorian gray meets zombie land
Feasting and pleasuring on human sins
Knowing that's not who I really am
But on bits of paper
It contradicts
My good intentions
With my former riots
Never completely evil
Or wholly good
Knocked down off my feet
Where I firmly stood
Creeping with a soundless craze
They saw me smile and always misunderstood
Bits of paper
That's all I am
Past, present and future
That's all I have
Records of who I am
And who I'm not
I keep them all
In case they'll be forgotten
No treasure or wealth or object of praise
Will ever banish my words away

It's not a matter of right or wrong
Sideways glances push me off my straight and narrow path
Keep them happy
Let them see
The person they wish you to be
Someone less like me
Some may say I'm not a saint
Then again, I never claimed to be
Leave you to your conclusions
Your opinion is fine by me
Give too much
Take too little
Ask for nothing
And over supply the beggars hands
With everything I have
It should be reason enough
For them to let me alone
With the choices I'm free to make.
I don't count my blessings
In time they'll be taken away.
I let the **** of my endeavors ooze out of my mental cracks
Keep my eyes forward
Never look back
Perhaps the road I'm leaving behind
Will help me define
The steps I've taken from time to time
Just because I've let it slide
Doesn't mean I've forgotten every ride
Of every individual thought that wasn't mine.
I'll give you your chance to shine
Even if it's my life that's on the line.
My skin is tougher than you'd like to think
Why do you think I've been able to sink?
Making each step closer with you to the brink
Talking sense to senseless people
Make notions and attempts
I fail myself and them
Shameless in the life I command
I get to play the villain and the friend.
I surround myself with weaker types
For that'll make me stronger by default.
Next to one stronger than I
Means I cannot compare my faults
To their faultless standard.
And who needs that kind of pressure?

Don't open your eyes
Don't look in the sun
Don't allow your dreams to leave
As quickly as they come
The AM chime
In your mind
Is just a farce
It's still night time.
Don't leave the covers
Don't stir around
If you stay asleep, love
You're easily found
I'll be here watching
Simply admiring
The one that I'm loving
Hoping a dream
Has something to do with me
And when you awake
I'll be what you see.
So stay asleep
Leave the morning to me
I'll fix it so your waking dreams
Become reality

Just because you're family
Doesn't mean you have rights to me
My secrets kept
Are just that
They're hidden and swept
Under the rugs from your eyes.
If you find out you'd just call them lies
And there's truth to that plight
Blood hasn't  given you the god given right
To have a say in everything in my life
Keep in mind
The things you've confided in me
Without judgement and without confessing
To the rest of the world
Defining
What kind of person I've come to be.
Play your game
Let me play mine
You grew up with me
But you weren't always there to check my vital signs
You weren't there for every bit of time
I collapsed and reached out to find
You weren't there
And I still ended up fine.
Being the youngest of five
Doesn't make me the dumbest one in line.
I learned from the mistakes of four others
To keep my faults under these covers.
Being naive in front of the clan
Is apart of my plan
Blend in and refrain
From voicing opinions that won't be heard anyways.
Just because you're family
Doesn't mean
You own me
So *******
Or play my game