how do you    lose     something
you
never
                            found?
all that i thought i was wriggled away
balloons of identity snipped from their carefully tied place on my wrist
dissolving into a sky with no end

shock is simple.
can the same be said for
                                                   freedom?

my dog ran away this morning
i underestimated his loyalty as i bolted through the neighborhood
with hot, wild tears
and he was waiting for me casually on the porch when i returned

it scares me when the world feels
small
and not unfathomably large. everything is moving so fast but it seems directionless, like a spinning top trapped in a corner

i want to breathe in the trees and stand still
and feel that the universe is indeed benevolent
and that the end of days is really
just
a beginning.

my mom says, ‘don’t live for other people’ as she drinks a breakfast beer and her orange snowboard pants glow freakily under our kitchen light

this is the woman who raised me to believe that there is nothing i can’t do

her own ballerina dreams suspended as i came along

a small town, high school baby

scandal.

she never lowered her gaze.

i’m smart because of her

and stubborn. i’m not insecure and i don’t apologize

because of her.

she looks so perfect, i don’t even reach for a camera.

snowy sunlight on your sleeping cheeks,
i left a note on your chest that said

i'm going, and i don't know where.

forgetting you is an impossibility that presents itself ,,,

awareness is the slender shiver your spirit sends trembling through my marrow
it crosses my eyes and sometimes they notice.

unspoken lover,
you heard me when you dissolved
you heard me make the painful human discovery :
death means
i can't touch you even though
you are right there

remember how at your funeral, your mother and father didn't cry?
it either meant strength or suppression. i cried until my couch could not possibly absorb one more
tear,
always struck with the sensation that i knew you better than anyone and then feeling selfish because that is a ******* lie.

bravery is the look on your sallow face the day the chemotherapy made you blind
triumphant, knowing and peaceful
accepting
unafraid.
that night i knew before the phone call
your last seconds echoed in my blood.

echo they shall.

you belong to the impossible largeness of love
and it's okay that i never said the three words
because

in my head, you were never really dead.

beautiful„,

beyond the mind’s flexibility.

even when your razor blade honesty cuts my fingers red and in the softest shade i mention

that you would rather be vague in your emotions than outright.because once,

love was a nap in the sun

until you woke up shivering, with grass imprints on your cheek



i am the girl that came after that.

and with my head turned just enough so that maybe you’ll touch my

face„,

press against the cold bedroom wall and wish to be absorbed



love me from your thymus to your toes

or not at all.

That chair creaked
as if rocking rocking rocking would rock away the
sickness
That cat curled
on his lap as if its warmth would dissolve away the
sadness
That frosted the air of
That house
That body
That life

it is there,
and then it is not.

his children inherit his things that they are mostly too tenderhearted to use and laugh because of new understanding that everything is fleeting.

if marriage is the                              fulcrum  

of your existence,


all i have for you is desperate disinterest.

what is there to talk about?
how you clean your kitchen and have submissive, dull *** once in a while?

here's a secret: he probably asked you so that he could get down your pants legally. you said yes thinking of a pretty white dress and that feeling you get watching Disney movies.



i asked a suburban woman this question:

                                                      ­   who are you living for?

hollow eyes as she laundry listed Jesus, God and every one of her family members.

no concept of self.

are you satisfied?

                                                     ­    yes. she said. i am satisfied.

how can you look at the state of the world and feel complacency? the longer i  live the more i realize

                                                        ­ that static is not an option.


girls, ladies, women

                                                            you don't need the validation.

the day she went,

head escaped icy window

and screams escaped head.

Adam
    told
    me
'i have no doubts in you'
    in
    that
staggering
fraction
    of
    the
    illusion
we
call
time


love became more than just a concept.

maybe sometimes, you are trying to fall asleep.
and my words fall on you like snowflakes, antarctic and weighted. an igloo of what used to be.
lay there, frigid, and remember when our hearts throbbed for each other.
maybe they still do.

when trillions catch up with them
and play-money isn't going to cut it
We don't want anything to change, but we want it fixed!
scream pleading millions who have never seen a silver platter,
let alone had one handed to them
elitists feast upon the stationary

what do you when
the Social Security checks stop rolling
and you can afford your life-saving medicine about as much as you afford your own private island
your eyes carry barrels of worry while the food bank keeps your head above the tsunami
but just barely
you stop sleeping, because what if a wave
comes
in
the
night and snatches it all away?

crying shame doesn't even begin to cover it

this is what you do: not out of want
out of necessity

arch your shoulders, feel the gritty blood pumping still
something they can never cut
is your faith that things will get better before they
end.

the Bravest person i know replied without so much as a flutter in her eye

I don't have a backup plan
that
would
allow
me
to not pursue this
wholeheartedly.

my heart is a ghost

creaking
invisibly
trailing
posterior
fluttering
its
eyelashes
on my neck

hurry (!) a glimpse behind  ---

nothing. cracked hardwood & a shadowysortofsorrow.

/******* futon sleep woke up to the sky looking like somebody owes it money and my cat ****** me for attention and an empty house.

an echo in my lungs that would wake a dead man from his sleep

excuses

i'm too
young
i have to impress my
dad
i want to live in europe
i **** at
commitment
i might find someone
else.


you are a drop out
you might never find a job that makes you
happy
you make my shallow girlfriends uncomfortable with your blatant disregard for
fashion
you never met your
dad
you want to buy a car so you can drive to me and buy a house so you can wake up to me and
you want my blood, my bones, my babies

truth

no one will ever love me as
purely
as you do. when i ask, why do your eyes look different?
you say, it's because they are so full of hope

i keep telling myself that i can never hurt you, you can only hurt yourself.

i finally grew a voice,
and it scared you away.


romance////

the promise of lips upon mine will be the last ******* thing holding me to this
planet.

my dad says, the McGinnis curse is our undying, romantic hearts.



i said the 3 words

and i think he's right.

it's funny how home can be
                                                an obligation
                                                a relief
                                                the place where your bed is where the food is where your mom is
                                                a hug a kiss a look in his eye
                                                wherever the night leads you
                                                ran away from
                                                bolted towards
                                                not a house
                                                stifling
  ­                                              missed
            ­                                    comforting
                  ­                              it's funny how it is what you make it and how i keep happening upon that truth

i want to run every grain of sand in your soul through my fingers
not to call you my own,
just to
feel
because i am certain nothing could be as cosmically beautiful.

i want to take every piece of everything tangible you have ever put your energy into,
and meditate under it
slip my ears below the hot water of your composition.

i want to drown in the infinite fountain of catalyst beauty you spout

i want to dance in your orbit and wake up wearing things that smell like you

desires abounding, love:

let's be in the moment
to be in the moment with you is to be in the stars.

you're too drunk to touch me and my
softness is
wasted
without your hands reaching
absently.

rainy through the window
he walks.
away from my desperate silence,
away from my wordless
burdened
                           fears.

torturously, this mindvideo repeats
why didn't you follow? echoesechoesechoes inside

could have;
ran through drops, grabbed his hand, buried into flannel,cried,grazed his face
              said things
          meant things

he scuffles away through soggy leaves.

quarter-heartedly, my hopes mumble: he will look back.

words are rocks in my mouth and
i think obeying traffic laws in the
middle of the night is stupid and
driving from your house i feel like
the little kid who realizes he is too
big to stretch out in the bath tub
anymore. my pockets are full of
those gummy worms i stole yester-
day and pockets in my head are
***** with wanting your selfish self
in the passengers seat, telling me
when to take a left and using red
lights and your pretty eyes to the
full advantage

if i were to nuzzle into the corner of your neck and tell you the things that are time bomb-ing inside of me,
would you still tickle my curves with your familiar fingers? would you still look beyond me, grasping the galaxies of my soul with those eyes i know i knew before i met you? would you wait patiently for me to sputter undesirable fears before whispering with all the gentleness that you'll love me no matter what?
or is it
different
now, because i reaped your unblinking faith and have no harvest to offer. because i told you forever when you asked and didn't mention that thing where when you get too close i become aflame with claustrophobia, even if i love you undyingly. i have to run. i have to run. i have to bolt. you deserve a family.
i am finding reasons to find excuses to find justification for
avoiding telling you.
on my bed, you kissed me up and down and said, 'for life'
i didn't say anything .
you are a stunning piece of human and i am going to
let
you
down.
just like your mom did.
just like your dad did.
i don't think i shall ever sleep again.
i love you. i have to run. i have to run. i have to bolt.