stretched      across      two      rocks
theWaterunderneathandth­eMoonontop     enveloping my winter stricken body
                                                                ­        exactly the way clothing wasn't



i swear i heard your voice.

me:

i am moving across the country
                                         
i will be gone for four years

i will be writing and seeing and photographing

and hell is not a place,
hell is having to kiss your face goodbye.

him:

i miss you already

i have a good pair of binoculars

your dreams are beautiful and i am patient as a lion after prey

heaven is not a place
heaven is knowing that we are that one-in-a-billion story that stretches past distance and lasts forever

words are rocks in my mouth and
i think obeying traffic laws in the
middle of the night is stupid and
driving from your house i feel like
the little kid who realizes he is too
big to stretch out in the bath tub
anymore. my pockets are full of
those gummy worms i stole yester-
day and pockets in my head are
***** with wanting your selfish self
in the passengers seat, telling me
when to take a left and using red
lights and your pretty eyes to the
full advantage

you're too drunk to touch me and my
softness is
wasted
without your hands reaching
absently.

i swear its juice from those cherries i was eating
                                                          ­                                                                 ­                                                           Not
                                                                ­                                                                 ­                                                  Blood
on the bed.i feel bad when you feel bad about things you shouldn't feel bad about.
with
one of those headaches that creeps
                                                          ­                                                                 ­                                                       down
                                                                ­                                                                 ­                                                   your
                                                                ­                                                                 ­                                                   neck
into your fingers
i suddenly realize that spreaders of Love are
shot in the head
while the cruelly corrupt plant rows and rows of seeds

what
if
Silence
doesn't work the way they think it does?

sometimes i get caught up in the biggest black magick trick of them all
money is as invisible as the man in the sky who invents freedom of choice and then punishes you if you make the wrong one
playground games for playground minds
                                                           ­                                                                 ­                                            sickeningly,
        ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                                    it works.

Retaliation! throwing out my makeup / stimulating synapses / loving shamelessly / asking questions / absorbing information /being unreasonable / never apologizing

                                                    ­         Ceasing to Fear because as Lennon said
                                                            ­death is but leaving one train for another.

i miss your bones and your breath.the way our curves collide, two winding roads meeting meshing melting together
when i wake up without you by my side i am a little kid lost in the grocery store calling for
mom running running running down endless aisles
i want to pull your voice from the phone and wear it as a sweater to keep in the
warm
and keep out the reality that
appears to be nearing implosion,patiently scratching tally marks until it reaches the number that everyone can feel if they
listen.
i have been told it's a sign of lacking wisdom to speak in absolutes
but love,
i absolutely irrefutably love every piece of you, always, forever , eternal, on and on and that will never
not be the case.
after a crash course in independence and several flirtations with lonely nights

i know i don't want the world; i just want your half

the Bravest person i know replied without so much as a flutter in her eye

I don't have a backup plan
that
would
allow
me
to not pursue this
wholeheartedly.

the city we are obligated to call home:

'it's pulsing, like a heartbeat'
really
i          
just
want
to
feel
                            yours. a steady bassline to keep track of,
tap my foot to in this unsteady place called love.

'that? that's just gases rising and light being hit in the right way'

from where your arms are cold around my waist, it seizes my attention that the

                            moon is nowhere to be found.

if
moods
are
swings

i'm the kid who jumps from too        high

and scrapes both knees on the gravel.

/******* futon sleep woke up to the sky looking like somebody owes it money and my cat ****** me for attention and an empty house.

an echo in my lungs that would wake a dead man from his sleep

good
luck
running
from
yourself,
                       this city is so small

I
AM
GIVING
UP
THE
IDEA
OF
LESSENING
THE
JOY
OF
NOW
FOR
FEAR
OF
LOSING
IT
LATER.

THIS MOMENT IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MOMENT
AND
THAT
IS
ALL
THAT
MATTERS.

my teacher tells me

the sage is not attached.          so i cut off all my hair and quit my job and buy records despite my lacking bank account.

i don't know **** about wisdom but i know how to make myself

weightlessly
indulgently

                         happy.

life is easily divided into two categories:
things that don't matter being first

and then there's

you.

red patterned morning light drapes your eyelashes and the thing about love is
it's not falling so much as

floating,flying

faster than my head can make words for. so my cheek is on your chest, and i keep opening my mouth as if it will all come out just right

sometimes things are too big for explaining,
like the way you let me use your toothbrush and how the word guileless reminds me of you and how
i'd be hiding,darkening,drowning if we never
met.

it's okay, though. because when i wake up, your arms are my blanket and
unlike a dream

this is real.

i want to run every grain of sand in your soul through my fingers
not to call you my own,
just to
feel
because i am certain nothing could be as cosmically beautiful.

i want to take every piece of everything tangible you have ever put your energy into,
and meditate under it
slip my ears below the hot water of your composition.

i want to drown in the infinite fountain of catalyst beauty you spout

i want to dance in your orbit and wake up wearing things that smell like you

desires abounding, love:

let's be in the moment
to be in the moment with you is to be in the stars.

soft body,
you
cradled
my hands
as if
they
were
infants. precious babies from the stars.

we could get lost in the beauty of this if you want,

or we could kiss cross legged on the hardwood floor even though my parents are in the room next door and the sound your lips make on my neck is a dead give away.

love is not for hiding

although if you were listening you could hear
the
ardent,
synchronized
breath
the brief collapse of two humans into each other,
a
pile
of
heartbeats
and
explorations;

this is different. this is different because i am choosing so and because it is un rushed and  because you are

lingering.

'i'm addicted to this feeling'
this feeling of: not being at school
not being sober
& being with you and only you.
windows down and the sun make it
amplified,
a moment without end.

i see something in you. nameless. esoteric. incomprehensible, even to me. the backshelfcellarthought

itches in my fingers

          in my words

          in my restrainted interest.

you could be flawless. despite the offsetting qualities others observe

          i see it.

a dull shade of the most lovely glow. and i am too proud, or maybe too afraid
tosayoneword.

breath in the back of my heart where things hide

when trillions catch up with them
and play-money isn't going to cut it
We don't want anything to change, but we want it fixed!
scream pleading millions who have never seen a silver platter,
let alone had one handed to them
elitists feast upon the stationary

what do you when
the Social Security checks stop rolling
and you can afford your life-saving medicine about as much as you afford your own private island
your eyes carry barrels of worry while the food bank keeps your head above the tsunami
but just barely
you stop sleeping, because what if a wave
comes
in
the
night and snatches it all away?

crying shame doesn't even begin to cover it

this is what you do: not out of want
out of necessity

arch your shoulders, feel the gritty blood pumping still
something they can never cut
is your faith that things will get better before they
end.

that call that never came
made me lose my appetite
                                                      for
                                                      spaghetti
                                                      and
                                                      for
                                                      love.

kicking you only means i'll run into you again, sometime.somewhere near cement
                                                                         bottom.

climb roofs whisper in ears get uncomfortably close scream out a window hike in the night paint the details i know of you envelop don't wear clothing don't wash my hair climb a tree you think you can't meet somewhere at an odd hour slip in foggy in the morning sleep with the cold wind on your face in the warmest sleeping bag remember the smell of typewriter ink and hardwood floor kiss my nose don't go stay and build a fort like little kids stay until that world collapses rearrange say my name in my ear and in the air look at you and we both start running

remember that time you tried to sit me down and tell me all the reasons why my heart was broken?

and i said, You can’t break that which isn’t yours, darling.

i am in a room full of babies who won’t look directly at me,

only at my chest or my shoes or anywhere they can send judgmental daggers because of their conceptions about our history which they shouldn’t give one **** about but people

Feed

off of dramatics.eat them up and **** them out.

oh, i’m sorry, am i making you uncomfortable by staring you straight in the eye? i am not afraid to confront the coffin of words between us but you would rather

Hide.

behind those long lashes and longer lies.

yeah, i know, i feel it too. we’re a walking graveyard of romance that should have been. i scared you because you could have taken me home to your mom. because i have my **** together and don’t play games. because we met under a full moon and a shot of whiskey and it seemed to easy to be true

easy is overrated.

my knees were once floppy for your love. now they are

Locked. rigid. resonating. why do you keep letting fear win all your rounds?

i will never be able to look the other way.

let
me
curl up next your fireplace heart.

                      i'll make it easy.
                      i'll love you for free.




i
already
do.

rainy through the window
he walks.
away from my desperate silence,
away from my wordless
burdened
                           fears.

torturously, this mindvideo repeats
why didn't you follow? echoesechoesechoes inside

could have;
ran through drops, grabbed his hand, buried into flannel,cried,grazed his face
              said things
          meant things

he scuffles away through soggy leaves.

quarter-heartedly, my hopes mumble: he will look back.

when you wrote a song but would not sing it because you were worried about it not being good enough for me.
i felt whole.
more
than
just
a
collectionofbonesandbobsledemotionsslappedtogether.

his vulnerability is a bed i never once slept in

as coffee gloriously pollutes my veins
warding off sleep.every cell in my body      
                                                                       pleads to be
                                                                       aligned with every cell in his.

my heart is a ghost

creaking
invisibly
trailing
posterior
fluttering
its
eyelashes
on my neck

hurry (!) a glimpse behind  ---

nothing. cracked hardwood & a shadowysortofsorrow.

i'm too drunk to tell you i love you

whiskey runs in hot waves, but never makes it to the coldest parts

the contrast sends me
fumbling.

high above these doubtful clouds,
your wet lips could bring me down

the place that feels familiar on the back of my tongue ---

new, like a drop down the window



your voice,your voice,your voice

i keep
         falling
                    more in love with you.
                                                     not
                                                      a
        ­                                             downward
                                                      tu­mble, more like

                                                           ­                             falling up.

a place where it seems we can get no higher,
and then
                                                                ­                        we do.

cedar wood oil and the word BOUNDLESS inked for good.

excuses

i'm too
young
i have to impress my
dad
i want to live in europe
i **** at
commitment
i might find someone
else.


you are a drop out
you might never find a job that makes you
happy
you make my shallow girlfriends uncomfortable with your blatant disregard for
fashion
you never met your
dad
you want to buy a car so you can drive to me and buy a house so you can wake up to me and
you want my blood, my bones, my babies

truth

no one will ever love me as
purely
as you do. when i ask, why do your eyes look different?
you say, it's because they are so full of hope

i keep telling myself that i can never hurt you, you can only hurt yourself.

love is something
you want to take back,
like the ugly sweater you get for Christmas.
love is something
you have to accept in hindsight
even when you are sure
nothing hurts more.

October sun tickled and made me mean it
                                                              ­                     three
                                                                ­                   words
shouted at first
then whispered and kissed and traced over and over
subtleties in the way the world did not open up wide
and treeleaf eyes took a beat too long to find mine
subtleties in the way my arms enveloped too tight
and his
                                                             ­                      three
                                                           ­                        words
seemed to slide off,
water over a rock.
love is something
incapable of vanishing
as much as a
nostalgic heart
beating numb
wishes otherwise.

against a tree
in the cemetery
singing to those
who cannot sing
back
shouting words
above the wind
strumming with
life,
and with breath.

IN MY HEAD, YOU WERE NEVER REALLY DEAD

1) climb a mountain
2) let the cold wind procure hidden tears,
it's true what they say about running from your monsters you know
3) stretch your arms and scream and be not afraid of any part of the beating of your heart
4) when clarity reaches your head, fill the entire valley below with your radiating

love

i’m afraid of social encounters, of getting close but no closer, of meaning nothing to another person, everything, anything, the wrong thing. i’m afraid of looking around and realizing i don’t really know **** about those i love. i don’t feel okay unless i lay on the floor at least once a day because there are so many things i want to touch but can’t-

like the rim around his iris or the unspoken thoughts that tie us all into invisible knots or the pain it must be to live in a house where your dad once drank coffee and read the paper and pet the cat, but now he’s dead and you still have to walk around pretending he isn’t in every inch of every room.

i have to lay on the floor because it’s tangible, reliable, forcing every bone to stay still, to stop trying to float to some impossible place where i’d be allowed to run my fingers across everything and try every emotion there is on for size

so i could stop ******* guessing.

—————————————————————————————————————-

how does one pain differ from another? why does cancer take everyone good? why didn’t he tell me he had gone blind, that day i went to visit? why didn’t his parents cry? why is 4 years later and he still fills pages of my thoughts when there were so many people closer to him?

all the good in me came from you

i’d be bad if it meant you could live the life you wanted to

——————————————————————————————————————

love=vigilance

—————­—————————————————————————————————

the best poem i ever wrote was slipped into a journal and never read because he was afraid of the words

——————————————————————————————————————-

i can’t get enough of you

my neck hurts from trying to sleep without you

'i want you'


i think that means more than one thing

half open eyelids don't lie  


the sun is slanting on your feet and how effortlessly my back curves into your belly scares me because
i'm always falling in love with what is right in front of me

and this might be different.


'the world needs more people like you'


i had a dream that i was on a bus to the Great Salt Lake
dark blue, foamy waves enclosing us,

and when we got there nothing  mattered.

Adam
    told
    me
'i have no doubts in you'
    in
    that
staggering
fraction
    of
    the
    illusion
we
call
time


love became more than just a concept.

you & i get  along because we can eat tirimisu and sip coffee sans words



convinced:

talking is wildly subpar. touch is greater than a vibration of a vocal cord.

but if you must;

scream it to the sea.