I distinctly remember the white walls and the scratchy bed sheets that lay on top of those matts that gymnasts used. I remember these things because the walls and the sheets were riddled with names and dates of people who had been there before me, slept in that bed, craved their name into that wall. I remember their voices too, the ones that were compassionate but not really caring at all, just doing their job.
It was April 1st, 2013, to be completely exact, when they brought me to the hospital. I'd broken down crying earlier that day and I finally caved and told them I wanted to die. They picked me up off the floor and drove me to that white walled prison. I'll never forget the way my mother told the recprtionist, "our daughter is suicidal and needs to be admitted," and the way the receptionists face stayed constant and showed no emotion. She slapped a hospital bracelet on my wrist and sent me to the waiting room. I sat there for a few hours.
Finally, they came for me.
We walked into the emergency room and they put me in a secluded room with absolutely nothing I'm it. Police officers and nurse came in to collect my clothing and other belongings I'd had with me, which they then placed in a locker.
I sat alone for more hours.
It was night by the time I was evaluated. I'll never forget the monotone voice of the women evaluating me.
"You're suicidal?"
"Yes..."
"Have you ever been admitted to a hospital before?"
"No"
"Well, were going to admit you for a little while, and keep an eye on you."
Her voice was emotionless. She was emotionless.
They brought me upstairs to the adolescent behavioral unit at 11:00 PM, and checked me over a few times, took my vitals, and sent me to a room with a sleeping ******* one bed, and scratchy bed sheets on a second empty one. I cried myself to sleep that night.
When I woke up they took more vitals and blood tests and evaluated me again. The new doctor was the same as the nurse, absolutely monotone. It was as if these nurses and doctors didn't feel anything, because they worked with children trying to take their lives.
At the time of my hospitalization, I didn't believe that happiness was a choice, and that I would actually get better. To be completely honest, I thought I'd die just as sad as I'd been for the past two years. Although I thought this, the doctor continued to tell me after each session, "being happy is your choice, you can choose whether you want to live like this forever, or if you want to be happy."
Now that I'm out of the hospital, and in recovery, those words mean more to me than they'd ever meant before. Happiness truly is a choice to some people, and it's a choice between being sad or being happy. I'm aware that being sad is a natural emotion, but not depressed, depression was a trap. It took me a week in the hospital, plus 9 months, to finally understand that my happiness was a choice.

You've seen all my curves.
And yes I mean more than my smile.
You've seen every curve of my body.
Where it gets narrow.
And where it widens out.
You know where every crevice is.
And you've felt and kissed my sweet tender skin.
You kindly kissed my mind.
We'll someone came to mind.
Who ?
They say kiss her mind and her body will follow.

-elissette

Lost Causes

You’re on a path of self-destruction, my friend.
For you see only negation; and from that, the end.
All that circles you are the negative atoms,
So you must be too (two) positive, just fathom.
Therefore negation would avoid the path you see,
It’s simple chemistry.

Just understand that although love is what you seek,
And you feel this is happiness’ key,
You are mistaken, and blind; you cannot see.
You have not grasped life’s meaning, you are weak.
Companionship, dreams, truth and beauty are
the essence that life is supposed to be orientated around.
I’m your companion, and I understand.

I’m not the answer, forget that I ever was.
I am just an excuse, and ideology,
So that you can wallow in self-pity.  
And victimize all that you are,
But you fall from the sky like a star,
Beautiful, yet destructive.
All you need to do is Just Live.

It is a calm November night.
We are standing under the pale moonlight.
There is a mist setting across the ground,
That seems to encompass us and all that surrounds.
The wind seems to move me, closer and closer to you--
As though romance was enveloped in that mist of blue.

Everything is still. My mood it does subdue.  
Staring up at the silver, sumptuous jewels in a contrasting black sky
The moon and stars are all that surround us in this fantasy.
I see something that is more beautiful than a night sky,
More alluring than the stars, more awe-inspiring than the history of the galaxies,
I see you.

You stand beneath the achromatic moonlight that highlights the structure of your face,
That seems to me more detailed than renaissance art.
Your eyes cause more of a stir within my heart than a boulder thrown in a lake.
Everything about you seems more entrancing than hypnotism.

I stand there beside you, taking in everything you say, and everything you are.
Hanging on every word that falls through your lips
Seeing someone as you is as common as catching a fallen star.
-- through my heart your name slips.

And I will not let this moment pass
No. I will not let this moment go,
I will take this, and you
To feel the pleasure of a thousand angels dancing,
Of a million birds harmoniously singing.
The sensation of a thousand seducing kisses.
So as we stand in the pale moonlight,
Can we just hold each other tight.
And drift into the night.