a cigarette burned away
ashes fell, flicked aside.
tar burned words in
lungs, nicotine
holding them back,
gasping for breath.

a cigarette burned away
in the dark, lying beside
me, chest rising, falling.
trails of burnt emotions
curled around us, lifting
higher, higher.

a cigarette burned away,
smelling sweeter than it should,
wrapping, enthralling itself
in every space, corner, molecule, atom,
warming those dry, brittle lips
against the winter wind.
caught between the clouds,
in confusion,
a cigarette burned away

He is only visible to me.
Projecting himself through
my eyes, a stain on my retina,
he is forever here.

Conjured up by a child’s mind,
native, inescapable fears,
he has grown with me.
Bigger, taller, stronger.
Hidden in the deepest shadows,
eyes bright, haunting me.
Chilly arms engulf me,
crushing my lungs and I can’t
breathe and my heart
races and I can’t
do a thing.

Egging me on,
You can do it, you need to do it.
He knows I will.
He knows I must, but
I don’t want to.
I pull back, clawing
at his hands
Let me go!

The tips of his fingers burn into my back,
perfect little circles swirling
with lines that lead me down
towards the place I
dread most.

I see the looming door.
Simple, wooden, warped with age,
swinging, squealing on its hinges.
I wonder how many secrets
it has witnessed and heard over the years.
Passed from one eardrum to another.
Making hearts thud at the anticipation.

The door to my demise.
All else falls away.
What can I do now but take
another step forward?

Take a look at me and
Tell me what you see

Do you see my forceful smile
That hides so many secrets?

Do you see my eyes filled with tears
As they think of the evil they've witnessed?

Do you see my heart
That holds hurt and shame inside?

Or

My skin
With scars of pain?

Do you hide my secrets,
Do you see the evil?

Do you see my scars,
Do you feel my hurt, my shame?

So take a look and
Tell me what you see

The thought of you
floods my senses, smells of an old cigarette.
You would never quit smoking; saying you had, you tried to convince me.
Together, us, we felt it in our lips-
the magic, the burn of tar that
helped bring from you those words.

Meaningless words
that tried so hard to speak for you.
Saying what? That you loved me? That
is such a cliché’, taking another drag of cigarette.
Words dripped from your dry lips
saying me, forever always me.

For me those words kept coming
limp words
falling, suicide from lying lips,
scrambling away from you.
Smoke filled lungs, the cigarette
stood, poised, oblivious to it all that.

Infamous that,
to describe what was you and me.
Always burning, that cigarette,
burning in flames and nicotine the words
which mattered to me, not you.
Closing, opening, pursing lips.

I tried saying the words
blocked by your cigarette,
burning them from me.

I have always been a big girl

A “strong build” girl

A “fluffy” girl

And nothing’s wrong with that.

Right?

Wrong. There’s always something

Wrong. From my hair down to my toes.

So I take control,

Try to take control

But it ends up controlling me

Yanking me down into the

Depths of I’m so fat and

Are you sure you want to eat that?

I hide it,

Hide it good

But it’s too heavy for me now

Some don’t understand,

Won’t try to see how it’s not my fault

Won’t forgive me when I beg for

Forgiveness

Won’t believe me when I say I

Won’t do it again

Refuses to have faith in me,

To believe me

Just to feel sorry for me

Like they can say I’m bad

Or lose on self- control

And beg me to promise against suicide

When they have a plan broiling in their mind

I’ve tried and I’ve failed

Over and over

But for you I still try

As you turn your back

And avert your eyes

I try

But it wins

And I make my way towards the looming door

To return an ounce lighter

Thinner

It wins

And I sink to the floor

Cold, alone

Trying to tell myself I am beautiful

Yet deep down I know I’m not

Far beyond all  possible pains
Far beyond all my other troubles
Beyond all reason
And beyond Hell
Wherever I go
Wherever I tread
There follows a thing I shall not name
I thought I was stronger
But now I'm not too sure
Somehow I'm falling
And nothing is secure
I want people to know that I've tried really hard
Please don't think that I've given in
I'm still fighting and trying to regain
That innocent girl that I know hides within
I'm slipping but I'm clawing
Trying to find someone's hand
To pull me from the terrors of my mind
I take a step
And fall faster behind than forwards
Struggling to grasp the happiness I'm reaching for
I must keep going
Don't think I'm giving in
I will always try to reign over this fight I must win

Please, don't think I'm giving in