I disappear through the doorway of petrified thoughts
It was ages ago when I last saw myself
Sometimes I dream I see a familiar face
When I wake I wonder if it was me

I fear the creature in the closet
It used to be my child, the babe I starved through negligence
At night it haunts me, always peering through the darkness
When I wake I wonder if it was me

Through the cloudy window I hear a sweet voice
As comforting as the sunshine when it touches my skin
Warming my feet while I nap quietly
When I wake I wonder if it was me

I see a ship on an ocean attempting perfection
Hallucination of substance that never existed
Feeling shame with each unpredictable wave
When I wake I wonder if it was me

Eyes closed, fear closing in, panic approaching
Unable to face the beginning
Reaching for myself while running away
Whenever will I meet the unattached shadow?

She lay in bed, contemplating, not thinking
Her buzzing head, pain abating, love shrinking

Weight pressing down, obstructing nerves, hand prickling
Forgotten noun, empty preserves, arm crippling

The numbness spread, rising body, hovering
Above the bed, disembody, covering

Surrounding space, where she belongs, not breathing
Fathermost place, abandoned songs, notes freezing

Paralyzed thoughts, empty solace, time creeping
Memory rots, darkness flawless, not sleeping


Kerry Herrmann

CHECKER GIRL’S REVENGE

I.
Where is he?    Tee Hee!   Oh **!

   His ******* up   whacked out
whatever you want to call it girlfriend
sat
in her blue checkered hospital gown
that exposed

her colorless back. She felt
****, turned on, empty

when she WATCHED
her useless boyfriend

(or was it her brother,
or perhaps John Travolta-
I think his name shall be JayTee).

JayTee was
NUMB TO HER
HE NUMBERED HER
NUMBER TWO-ED HER
NUMBER TWO – HA HA!
(blue checkers,
what a dull, ugly blue).

How could blue be that boring?

(( Dull, Boring, Blue, Ugly ))

?
CHECKERED [============]CHECKERED
[============]CHECKERED[============]
CHE­CKERED [============]CHECKERED
[============]CHECKERED[============]
CHE­CKERED [============]CHECKERED

Checker girl was strange   amputated
in the hospital

staring at JayTee’s  shadow.
If she
listened intently
she could almost hear      JayTee playing
outside with his friends …
*****, undesirable boys.

Are girls also ***** and undesirable?

Only those
in blue, checkered
hospital gowns.


II.
Checker girl laugh Checker girl cry
Checker girl scream Checker girl wiggle
Checker girl fidget Checker girl anything!!!!!

  She just sat…flat…water-
  rat…doormat…aristocrat,
the others HATE THAT.

There       were       at       least       five
  women sitting in a circle TALKING
                    aaaaa-bowwwt their hospital
experience. CHECKER GIRL could not,
would not feel, couldn’t sing. Her
head was numb buzzing sound of power-
lines in a snow storm.

JayTee paced in the room     staring violently
At checker girl.
She was afraid.
He was now known as THE leader
of all the Cruel and Nasty Boys
       They did
EVERYTHING he told them.

Checker girl didn’t want to do
what she was told

STAY IN THE CIRCLE *****!

Trapped in the stiff gown
Exposing her blank back.


III.
WAKE UP! checker girl,

Time to SHOUT!
Time to GET OUT!
To RUN ABOUT!
Out of the bleak dismal hospital.

She now walked   the   streets
searching for home.

JayTee spotted HER <><><><><> the EVIL WITCH
checkered[=========]checkered
[========] checkered[========]
checkered[=========]checkered

HELLo,
how­ can I
HELP!!!!
you today?

GET AWAY FROM HIM!

JayTee San,
he has fun
with a gun
a loaded one
saved by none
need to run
Run Run Run

She stared down the barrel
the boys behind JayTee laughed.

Checker girl wanted to get away,
tried to get past the sentinel.

TEE HEE!  checker girl OH **! come on now
HA HA! slink past
fearfully
carefully


?
IV.
Checker Girl sat alone
at the round yellow table
in the dimly lit McDonalds

--Browns and reds draped by
apprehension—

“WHY AM I HERE!”  her brain shouted
As if someone could hear.

She was waiting for JayTee to arrive.

she loved him
she feared him

<>A Young Mother<> ***** blonde hair
   was sitting with her
newborn baby girl

quiet lullaby

at a table.

JAYTEE IS THE FATHER.

But when JayTee arrived
(ignoring checker girl)

he was ENRAGED about the
baby. coo ahh blub

DIDN’T WANT IT

He pointed
his pistol
at the baby.

Checker girl do not allow that

Checker girl
DO NOT
allow that

CHECKER GIRL
DO NOT
allow that

DO NOT ALLOW THAT!!!!

(checker girl shot JayTee)

B-A-N-G!


V.
JayTee lay dead,
waiting for help.

The stretcher arrived,
carried his stiff body,
his arms dangling
like drinking straws.

Could they **** life
into his body as they
stroked the air?

The paramedics had
covered his body, his torso,
with a hospital gown,
designed with blue checkers,
the ugliest blue checkers.

What a liar,
sitting there, wringing your hands,
trying to act like you have so much anxiety.
You know it is not true!

You know he can see right through you;
you are just making a fool of yourself.

The sickest thing about you
is that you want to be sick.

Boy, you just love acting
like you have had so many problems,
don't you!

Do you really think
in your tiny, little, desperate mind
that pretending like you had
such extreme pain in the past
will make you more liked?

You are nothing,
and you will always be nothing.

You know,
nobody really cares about you;
any concern people show to you
as a result of these lies
will turn to annoyance
when they see
how manipulative you are.

Making the stories sound
so much larger than they are
is just making you look
like the idiot.

The body was found
Naked, composed
Indigent from the sea.

Prometheus bound,
Frightened, exposed
Silent epitome.

A deafening sound
Violently chose
Ceremonious ring.

Though stiff, she still pounds
Her tears from a rose
The Eagle's silent queen.