Even now,
I still awaken
In a pitch black room,
Covered in sweat,
With my heart
Racing in my chest;
I wake up
With a tear
Running the distance
From my eye
To the pillow,
A lump sits in my throat,
And there is your name
On the tip
Of my tongue.

Sometimes,
The worst feeling on Earth,
Is all too known.
But, no one else can ever know.
They won't understand
Because there are no bruises on my skin.
And that makes it easy
To believe that it is all in my head.

When you grow up,
Through a blanket of tears,
Always hiding,
Loved ones being your worst fears,
With memories of being hurt and confused,
Suddenly there is a lot more out there to fear.

As a child, always crying myself to sleep.
Today not ever letting out a tear.
Much too weak to always hold it in,
But too used to it to break.

The problem with this is that it's too hard to hate.
If I could I'd be out that door.
Away from here, all alone.
That would be okay with me,
As long as it would never find me.

Watching the one you care the most about,
Cry and sob until they shake.
Scratch marks down their back
And tears down their face.

While you will quickly learn to hurt,
Faster than anything else.
Maybe you will get help.
Unlike me.
But there is so little proof for this.
After all, emotions have no face.

Forced away from emotion,
Afraid to smile,
Gave away no tears,
No sign of sorrow.

A feeling like boredom,
but lacking.
As cold as ice,
but more chilling.

Empty stares,
Loss hope,
Forgotten dreams,
Deprived of happiness.

Considering suicide,
but it's too easy.
Thought of cutting,
but that's too known.

No emotion,
Not forgiving,
Forgot to smile,
It's called lost.

She walks delicately,
carefully, easily.
Right on by you.
She talks quietly,
beautifully, gracefully.
Right next to you.
Quickly she locks you in.

She whispers seductively,
huskily, sexily.
Right into your ear.
She says sweet things,
cute things, great things.
Straight to you.
And now she's getting through.

Her heels clack.
He nearly spat.
But all you do is stare.
The way she talks is planned.
The way she walks--rehearsed.
All those things were petty lies.
But it's too late.

She smiles cutely,
quickly, embarrassed.
Just to get to you.
She blushes deeply,
innocently, easily.
While getting ready for you.
She has got you chained now.

She acts timidly,
shyly, less boldly.
To get closer to you.
She treats you well,
kindly, graciously.
Just to lie to you.
She's got you begging.

Her heels clack.
He nearly spat.
But all you do is stare.
The way she talks is planned.
The way she walks--rehearsed.
All those things were petty lies.
But it's too late.

She holds your heart frighteningly,
tightly, brightly.
Making her own you.
She looks strong,
powerful, unforgettable.
Showing herself to you.
And now you see through it all.

She steps lightly,
passionately, happily.
Over to you.
She seems cruel,
evil, sinister.
Having played you.
Too bad it's nearly the end.

Her heels clack.
He nearly spat.
But all you do is stare.
The way she talks is planned.
The way she walks--rehearsed.
All those things were petty lies.
But it's too late.

She holds herself dignifiedly,
highly, gloriously.
As she brings the knife to you.
She cuts deeply,
thrillingly, chillingly.
Straight into you.
If only you had known.

She moves smoothly,
willingly, cutely.
Right on by you.
She is biter,
sinister, crazy.
As she continues.
And it restarts, nothing new.

A million little ******,
in the flesh right below my ears,
my God I am so scared.

A humming so deep,
right next to my bones,
a begging in my blood,
that really wants to leave.
My God I am so scared.

The logic to my left,
the needs to my right.
What can I do,
But hold myself?
My God I am so scared.

The desperation of my head,
to end my desires.
But if what allow myself today,
I can’t fantasize tomorrow.

It’s a burning so bright,
deep in my soul.
I want to let it out,
it’s growing so old.

How can I not?
It’s such a simple little thing,
a blade in one hand
the other at my side.
Even through this,
my God I am so scared.