too many strangers have called this body of mine home
what they don't realize is that under the pretty painted
walls and the beautiful chandeliers, the entire foundation
is crumbling to pieces and this home was not built out of
love and to preserve life, it is full of lies and confusion and
hurt. they see the dried up paint that ran down the sides of
the shutters when it rained and they think that just a new
coat of white will cover it up, they don't know that the runs
are the cuts to form over old scars, they confuse paint with
blood. i beg of you, please get an  inspector to look at me
before you buy into this tragedy, not that you would last
long, the ghosts that wander these halls will scare you out
before you can unpack the first box.

"you can not make homes out of human beings.
someone should have already told you that by now."

i can't be your home when i don't even feel at home
in my own skin.

you always said everything was
black and white so why do your
words bleed orange sunsets in
to my black lungs
my dad used to crash his cars
for fun, he used to have competitions
to see how many times he could
roll his car, and it's been years
since he's been in an accident
but sometimes i can still see him
speed up and i wonder if he misses
the thrill or if he just can't break
the habit.
when we do things long enough
we can never really get rid of them
even when we're not thinking
about it, our subconcious does all
the work
that's what it's like to love you
i dont even have to remember to
i just do
you are the last three seconds of
a sunset frozen in forever,
you are in my veins.

today it rained and
thundered so loudly that
the whole house shook
when it roared and
the lighting so bright
i had to blink
several times before i
could see straight again.
and i cried. and
i wondered if you
thought about me.

Feb 6, 2014, 11:37 PM
i miss you and i dont know where you are or if you'll even get these i just really hope youre safe and that you know i love you

Feb 6, 2014, 11:39 PM
and i dont know i dont have anyone to talk to so i'll just write to you i hope you dont mind

Feb 6, 2014, 11:42 PM
the formal got rescheduled to next friday (valentines day, blech) and he texted my aunt and she was like "thats okay, that just means you'll have to take her out tomorrow" and i literally laid down on the floor

Feb 6, 2014, 11:45 PM
i miss you

Feb 7, 2014, 1:33 AM
why do people not care about things or other people i dont understand
i dont know
why do people ask questions if theyre not interested in the answer

Feb 7, 2014, 1:34 AM
i hope your night was okay, i really hope you're alright
i love you man, goodnight

Feb 7, 2014, 2:53 PM
so chris told rhea that the only reason he started dating her was so that he could make gabby jealous or something wow

Feb 7, 2014, 10:40 PM
we got chris in trouble i feel so bad and apparently his mom is an alcoholic and like god, i dont even know i just wanna pat him on the head you know

Feb 8, 2014, 3:21 AM
**** i really miss you i hope you come back soon

Feb 8, 2014, 3:34 AM
i think i dont believe in love anymore
like in the way that i can see other people loving something or being in love with someone and that's perfectly okay and i can LOVE people and things but not well enough and i cant be IN love with anyone and i just i dont know anymore i cant tell if im the headfuck or if everyone else is

Feb 8, 2014 3:44 AM
but i love you

Feb 8, 2014 3:44 AM
whether it's me or you or both of us that's a headfuck and even if i dont really know how to be a good friend to you

Feb 8, 2014, 3:46 AM
i love you

Feb 8, 2014, 3:47 AM
always

Feb 8, 2014, 3:48 AM*
i hope one day you're happy

i know i'm good at not
talking loud enough and
averting my eyes and
fidgeting with my fingers
and forgetting to tell people
that i love them and sleeping
too much and not eating and
crying over stupid things

i am so worried that you are
going to find a better girl with
prettier eyes and a better memory
and more confidence and people
skills but i know you will because
i am not worth keeping nevermind
fighting for so i'll draw our goodbye
out and stay as long as i can and i will
not kiss you goodbye but i'll put my lips
to better use and swallow down the pills
and the ***** so that maybe i can forget
whatever made me hurt so much in the
first place

i dont believe in
love
and god, i know
how awful that
sounds
i mean i know
that i'm only
a teenager and
that i have my
whole life left to
find someone to
settle down with
but love is an excuse
to hurt and to be hurt
right?
well i do not find pleasure
in hurting other people
and i hope to god no one
ever wants to hurt me
it is a disaster waiting to
happen
what i mean is
i believe in love
i just do not believe
that i can be in love
or that anyone can be
in love with me
and if they think they
are
i have no problem with
walking away from them
because i might hurt them
but not as much as i could
have
i'm trying to protect you
please understand
god i hope you understand
because i dont have time to
explain it to you
im sorry

today my best friend,
who lives 2,000 miles
away (on the other side
of the country to be exact)
messaged me at 2 am
telling me that she was
really really sad and that
no one was up. later when i
woke up i wrote back asking
what was wrong

she told me she drank antifreeze
and that she messaged her old friend
who ****** her over last year
and that all he did was tell her to
call an ambulance and then blocked her
and wrote a post about how he couldn't
sleep, when the girl who used to love him
was intoxicated and vomiting and sad and
dying. and she just kept laughing, like it was
the funniest thing she'd ever heard

and i couldn't stop telling her "i'm sorry"
i'm sorry i didn't have my phone
i'm sorry i was asleep
i'm sorry you live so far
i'm sorry you're unhappy
i'm sorry i can't do anything
i'm sorry i'm being selfish
i'm sorry i'm making you live
when it's the last thing you want
to do.

and she just kept telling me
it's okay, it's okay, it's okay
i'm okay, it's fine, i'll be good
and i didn't have the heart to
tell her that i knew she was
lying.

i'm sorry i love you too much to let you go.