I am stooped against the cool glass of my window with a cigarette resting between my chapped lips.
I watch as the smoke wafts and curls through the changing autumn air.
A million thoughts are dancing through my tired mind but I cannot settle on one.
I think about the person I am to become in the coming months.
It is these moments of quiet contemplation that I cherish these days.
My soul and my over worked heart seem to be shifting and growing each passing minute.
I find myself constantly wondering who I am and uncertain if I have found the last piece to the puzzle of my identity.
Each step I take leads me down a different path and even though I feel lost on this winding trail I still believe I am headed in the right direction.
I want to live in each moment.
I dream about digging my toes into white, soft sand as the sweet scent of ocean air fills my lungs and twists and twirls through my auburn hair.
But dreams aren’t real.
This moment is real.
I hear the rushing sounds of this urban evening.
I smell the crisp smell of the smoldering tobacco.
I see the twinkle of far away city lights between the branches of the swaying trees.
I feel a million different emotions pulsating through my veins at once;
A sliver of happiness, a twinge of regret, a wrench of pain, and a surge of hope.
Sometimes I sit here simply to remind myself of the vibrant life that exists outside of the confines of these white washed walls and cinderblock ceilings.
Sometimes I sit here to remind myself that I am still alive.

I breathed it into my mouth
And it slid down my throat
Into the pit of my stomach
And that raw, raw feeling
Is burning my sides while
I sit and pretend the world is not falling.
It is an unknown substance, a feeling.
I smell the air and it’s toxic
And it singes my lungs and
Makes my eyes spill tears.
I am horrified and exhilarated all at once
The emotion is pure and clean and real
Like the world around me
But it’s all haze, like fog
Blurry and misshapen and I try and blink it away
But it’s like I’m underwater and I’m floating upside down.
The world is like a kaleidoscope
The pictures look different every time.
I am one with every sense
All five of them blazing on fire
Like I was on overdrive
Spinning, spinning like a tea cup at a carnival.
All the while laughing like I was young again
Because I feel so alive.
I wish I could show you just how amazing
It feels to be human.

The air feels smooth and cool as I draw in a refreshing breath.
Fall has fallen on this urban land and the leaves dance in the wind.
It’s awfully amazing how alive the dying season can seem,
Like a city going down in flames of ginger, crimson and gold
Almost like a stunning disaster, the beauty in the down fall.
The yellow sun seeps down through the shedding trees,
Like a beacon of hope that the green foliage will return again.
Autumn, the time for poetry and knowledge
Unlike its newly completed companion, summer,
A time for playfulness and sweet love.
It is a bright flicker of color before the world is wrapped in white
Like the lick of a candle before the flame is extinguished
And the curling smoke cascades upwards into darkness.
It is the final call of the reddened cardinals
Before the silence of winter envelope us for a handful of chilled months.
As the atmosphere grows icy and noses turn to a timid shade of pink,
And fair skinned fingers are slipped into toasty gloves
We recognize that this fading season is a fresh beginning.
A time for new things and new people
A time for bad habits and old obsessions to die away.
Autumn is the last desperate breath before this hell freezes over.

Beauty is a shield that shuts out the spinning world.
A beautiful girl is nothing but a ghost.
We are enthralled by the tender curves of her waist,
The illuminating shine of her azure eyes,
The porcelain glow of her touchable, soft skin.
We see the grace in the stride of her walk,
The brightness in her sweet chime of a laugh,
The splendid flow of her silken auburn hair.
She is nothing but a beautiful fantasy.
We observe all the radiance and desire about her,
But we cannot bring ourselves to speak of it.
No we have not the courage to tell her,
Just how her beauty makes our insides breathe life.
So we recede into ourselves when she steps into our presence,
Because she has us stammering and grasping for words.
So this gorgeous and striking ghost drifts by without words.
And because we speak not our truths to her
She leads a sad existence.
Being placed so high upon a pedestal,
With no suitor brave enough to climb to the top
And rescue her.

Floating back over the state boundary line
Back to a place I left not so long ago.
I leave my new existence in the dust
Back to my past for an epic show.

My heart shudders with the anticipation
Of the lost connections that I will rekindle.
My tired mind is spinning so quickly
Like woven thread onto a spindle.

I fear that I have become too much
For the place I am throwing myself into.
I gave up my life and started over
When I left I was certain I was through.

I am flooded with hastened memories
Of the shaking subway lines.
I am caught in the remembrance
Of forgotten good times.

Pictures of familiar faces
Flash behind my eyelids like a movie reel.
Faces that I have not seen in too long
Faces that have since seemed unreal.

They still see me as the sad girl
With her broken heart in a sling
But I left that sullen person behind
When I left behind everything.

They try and quiet their rejection
Of my escape of this place.
But their silent words speak so loud
In opposition to my case.

But even with the combination
Of fear and forthcoming excitement
This reunion is sure to be sweet and sad
Just as it was when I went.

Oh, the way those subway cars rattle beneath me,
Lulls me into a trance like slumber.
I hear the exchanges of broken English and baby cries all around me,
But I shut my eyes and will them away.
For now I am no one
Just a face in the crowd, another commute.
But when those doors slither open
And I tread out onto the platform
I am yours.
I travel this passage many times
Just to see your glowing face in my eyes.
Because I am so far in love with you
I would ride that rickety old subway for hours,
Just to catch a glimpse of that well toned, olive skinned body
And that chiseled, handsome face,
Even if only for a moment.
Because even after my heart had been broken, derailed,
So many times before
This time is different.
I have fallen head over heels, summer saluting out of control,
In love with you all over again.
And every time my eyes fall on that smile
So full of love, and affection, and heart throbbing passion
I start tumbling again.
So I ride the F train
To see my sweetheart
And that ride is never as sweet on the way back.

Those who are good at loving leave no bad blood between enemies.
Those who are good at dreaming leaving nothing of substance in their reality.
Those who are good at living bathe in fear of coming death.
Those who are good at laughing leave no wrinkles from their frowns.
Those who are good at teaching find it hard to learn their own lessons.
Those who are good at writing seem to stumble upon the spoken word.
Those who are good at fighting find no love in simple meaning.
Those who are good at working forsake the joy of playing.
Those who are good at submitting cannot stand when matter need.
Those who are good at walking forget to laugh when their feet stumble.
Those who are good at relaxing do not understand the freedom of running.
These are fundamental mysteries.

I want to slip deep beneath these sheets
Falling steadily into a world of comfort
Where the warmth of my own company
Can protect me from the cold shoulders of this world.
I want to run through tall yellowed fields
Like a giggling child, simply in love with life.
Where my sure naivety isn’t even known to me.
I dream of escaping this place
And finding a place for you and me
To love like we were meant to love
Where our intense passion will never fade
As long as we’re in inches of each other.
Where your eyes never left my ivory face
And my cobalt eyes
And where I can’t take my hands off your copper skin.
The electricity when we touch
Could power the glimmering city lights.
So let’s run away from this life
Like we’re careless and free.
And let our love rule the world.

I spit words like fire from a blow torch
Flames singeing the air like they singe your soul.
I whisper words like secrets from hushed voices
Murmurs fill the silence like crushing water to a sinking ship.
I sing words like colorful birds from dense forests
Sweet melodies ringing like church bells from churches.
I rhyme words like nursery school teachers
Tee’s and two’s and me’s and you’s.
I laugh words like children from ***** playgrounds
Giggles chiming in the rays of swollen sunlight.
I scream words like angry sirens saving the ******
Flickering blue and red lights like beacons of hope.
I gossip words like filthy false rumors circulating the grapevine
Untrue words that hurt like a right hook to the jaw.
I flirt words like coy like touches to your open heart
Persuading you with my talented charm.
I concede words like hidden meanings in secret code
Like unwritten rules and unspoken feelings.
I brave words with harsh undertones like I’m bitter
Saying exactly what I think and feel, no holding back.
My voice is strong,
My voice is true,
My voice is my own, and I will let it be heard.