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 Jun 2013 Kelly Roland
Phoenix93
The flood gates break free and in anger I nearly drown.
Depression sets in as the waves finally begin to die down.

Hopelessness rises up. Confusion, pain, loss.
Feelings grow worse and I hope that I'm wrong.

I'd rather not say what I think. None of it really matters.
I don't need you; you don't need me. It drags me down faster.

You're no good for me and I just can't save you.
So I'm just stepping out. God will show me what to do.

Of course! I still have to pray for you. If not, it'd be a sin.
I may be done with you and this. But my God still lies within.

Maybe you'll be saved. And who knows? Then you'd be good for me.
But I can't lead you there. I'm just not good enough to set you free.

I just can't stop the flood. So I guess I'll be forever wading.
And forever I'll be watching. Praying.. Hoping... Waiting....
I've never been quite crazy
or ever fully sane
but I swear to God I've seen you here
on a day when there was rain.
Did we share the same umbrella
or maybe a cup of tea,
I tend to fall in love
with all the eyes I see.
Tears clouded corners
of your softened emerald eyes;
your fist hit the table,
blood began to rise.
The record player sang and wailed
a million broken songs
and in a flash I saw your hands
and knew I was all wrong.
History reminded me
you were no face unknown,
I know those emerald eyes,
those hands have held my own.
I can't recall who did what
beneath that hazy sky
but my fingertips warn
it's not worthy of a try.
I turn to escape your haunting eyes
but notice, heavy with regret
your crooked smile as I catch a whiff  
of tangerine and cigarette.
You still look beautiful
despite rough finger tips,
arms thin as twigs
and dry cracked lips.
Take a breath
you've done far too much crying,
dry your cheeks,
try to forget you're dying.
 May 2013 Kelly Roland
-
october
 May 2013 Kelly Roland
-
its starting to near october again
the time of the year
when everything goes to ****
when the walls get smaller and smaller
until my shoulders press in on themselves
and i choke, choke, choke

its starting to near october again
the time of year
when people show their true colors
when my friends become
judgmental cold mocking
and the walls isolate me

its starting to near october again
my best friend's birthday
halloween
first report card of the year
those are all okay things
i have a bit of breathing room

its starting to near october again
the memories take a hold of me
dragging me down into their murkiness
taking the light from my mind
replacing it with nothing
nothing is there

its starting to near october again
i wish i wasn't alone
you squeezed it from its little packet
onto your glazed doughnut  
mindlessly committing culinary blasphemy  
without a sound  
others did not notice  
until they saw the yellow remnants
on your red wax lips  
they said nothing  
for their rapt attention was on the boss  
who chattered on about grand ideas  
while you guiltlessly chewed and swallowed  
I missed nothing  
for your bold foray
into comestible “paradigm shifts”  
was of far more interest to me  
than the inflated business at hand    
like sweet custard on a Frito pie  
your mustard caught my eye  
and had me pondering
the elusive mysteries
of  mind and mouth
while others gazed at our leader’s clean moving lips  
untroubled by their enchantment
**on the significance of staff meetings in the world of grown ups
 May 2013 Kelly Roland
Lina
My Love
 May 2013 Kelly Roland
Lina
I promised myself
to never love a man.
I told myself
that it would only hurt.
I lied to myself
when I said I didn't love you
and that I never could.

I believed you
When you said you'd never hurt me.
I trusted you
when you said I could.
I put my faith in you
just to have you break my heart
into a hundred little pieces.

He tells me
exactly what I need to hear.
He promises me
the same things you did.
He tells me
not to worry...
but he's still not you.

He thinks you
ruined me. Maybe you did.
He says you
pushed me too far. That's true.
He hates you
for hurting me and making it hard
to ever trust again.

Because he wants my heart,
but I won't give a broken heart away.
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