I see her there
A dark look in her eye
Smirking at me
Inviting "give it a try"..

My Shadow dares me
Into the ring
Smuggly she grins
Thinks I've nothin to bring..

"You know ur smoked!"
She gleefully taunts
"You wanna spar with me?
I'm fueled by your wants!"

I shuffle my feet
Timidly taking my stance
The first round, a blood bath
That b@tch kicked my A$$

Bruised and beat down
My trainer now pleads
Where is your fight girl?
Ya think I brought you to bleed?!

"But she's mean!" I sob..
As I spit out a tooth
"She breaks every rule!"
"So resentful and uncooth!"

Even still she is
A true part of you
Learn to dance in this ring
Or you, she will rule..

Now I stand with conviction
To face my brutal self
She may take her pound of flesh
But none will leave til its dealt..

We are not so separate
One good, and one bad
We move with congruence
Our conversation now had..

I dodge and I weave
As I feel her wear out
I take a few blows
But I leave her no doubt..

I am in this ring
Til our dealings be done
She may beat me down
But our pieces are one.

want nothing, say nothing, feel nothing..
Safe.

show nothing, take nothing, give nothing..
Blank.

She's a chameleon with a steely soul.
She'll not sell herself for another to hold.

love nothing, care nothing, keep nothing..
Whole.

surrender nothing, live nothing, die nothing..
A role.

She's a chameleon with her mind turned loose.
She'll not be coming back for anyone's use.

Has no one yet told her?
They've cut off a limb?
Screamed for mercy..for relief..
Make it end!  so they did.

An injury of flesh
A deep **** long ago.
No mending, nor cleaning
Only concealed not to show.

Who cares? she thought..
Everyone bleeds.
Who is there? she thought..
Better nobody sees.  

And smile, she did
Moving through each pain.
Alone she hid  
If they knew, its the same.

The poison set in
Quiet as death one day.
She looked, blinked twice
And she knew she can't stay.

For the injury now infected
Moved poison through her blood.
All her silence, the despair
Consuming, as a flood..

And then it no longer mattered
How things would look.
The surgeons could see she was dying
Would be her last breath that she took..

Quickly they worked
No more time now to waste..
Better to live a life altered
Than lose all hope and grace.

But has no one yet told her?
They've cut off a limb.
Screamed for mercy..  For relief..
Make it end!  so they did.

Suffering said to Pain,
"Sister, how can this be?
Why are are we here?
When will we be free?"

Said Pain to her sister,
"You whine too much!
You ask too many questions..
You don't accept God's touch"

Angered - Suffering quipped,
"God's Touch sister dear?
Our world so full of ugliness
Have you not looked in a mirror??"

Pain rolled her eyes
"Suffering, how long has this been?
Since the beginning of dawn
Til we reach each night's end.."

Suffering sighed, exasperated
"Pain, I love you..I do
But how do you go on??
Tell me, how to settle without truth?"

Pain softened.. replied,
"Dear sister mine, be still..
I know not more than you
But, I see it is God's will."

Suffering, now resigned
Knew the argument she'd lose
Pawn pushed across chess board
"Sister Pain, its now your move.."

I can see now the injury..
The tear which ripped through a soul..
The irresistable gravitational force it has..
An internal super nova, made blackhole..

See the bandit who robs children?
Of their fantasy world of "safe"..
Their image of a benevolent universe..
Hallowed by a hole deep in inner space..

Time folds there as it captures..
Pain too emense to fit in inside..
Frozen solid for later feeling..
Moments from which we all hide..

Layers and piles of "protection"..
From hurts too bitter to taste..
Too cutting and raw in the knowing..
Too "gone" for time to waste..

Some more "protected" than others..
With their egos and illusion of control..
These are the ones most troubled..
Their false lives have swallowed them whole..

Now see the ones who show their pain?
Their layers suspended in time?
Perhaps some pulled to look inward..
Through the love of music, art, or rhym..

And others finally forced by fate's will..
To surrender their powerless pieces..
Emptied of excess, their souls cry out..
"I am Startdust; I am that which never ceases"..

So here you are Grief...
I've evaded you so long.

I always knew you'd come for me.
Perhaps you waited til I was strong.

For years I've danced around you.
Purposely putting on my facade.

Hoping I could appease you,
With a few tears now and again.

But you won't go, will you?!
Without taking what you're due..

Only brutal honesty,
will ever free me from you.

So here's what I've done to cheat you,
Out of what was yours.

I've swallowed up my anger,
Lived my shame behind closed doors.

I settled for feined indifference,
Hostile, and surly glares.

I never told them of their blindness.
Or insisted my story I must share.

I've mastered laughing at the unfunny,
Made the best jokes at my expense.

Cuz lord knows if your not laughing,
Your alone without any friends.

I'm super good at pleasing..
And will not protect myself.

I'll work to make others need me.
Be overly concerned at their offense.

I'll loose track of my own boundaries.
Cuz did I tell you how I flirt?

Helps me seal the pain inside.
Helps me cover up the hurt.

So Grief lets have at it!!
I promise I won't hide.

We both know its time.
To unlock that girl I left behind.

Here's an experiment I'll try now
Give me a moment to explain how..

"NO!" has hyjacked my life
And thus set off my wiring for strife..

It began rather young
When "YES" wished to have fun..

"NO!" would so often spoil the game
Using its crew: Doubt, Cruelty, Shame..

YES tried to stay on track
But NO could see what it lacked..

Using my wiring to take command
YES was not strong enough to stand..

Against NO's impossible power
YES, for a long while could only cower..

But YES, recently found a key
Promising to set me free..

From NO's tyrannical rule
YES whispered "NO only aims to fool!"

Clear your mind of NO's debris
Impose thoughts that move more free..

Toward the goals you have set
Let not your mind forget..

The power is yours to keep or lose
Dependant upon only the direction YOU choose.

Let's meet at the crossroads between suffering and awe..
Is it as it must be?  Past to die that life may draw..

Its breath from love to begin now anew?
Do I have even the right "to be" without you?

And what do I think of this here Scarlet Letter?
Should I not be shamed into conducting myself better?

I've lost the "high ground" and tumble so close..
An "undone" life of my doing, some would propose..

So where is remorse?  Where is regret?
Is it foolish pride or what my soul can't forget..

Put here for a purpose though it may displease some..
My soul, she is stubborn and won't budge til she's done.

Lovely, terrible waves of love..
Wash her up upon the shore..
What first began an enchanted trip..
Has her sea sick, beggin for "No more!"

What on earth has happened to..
The woman who would make "all right"..
She was so ****** determined..
Her ship would sail, with sight..

From calmer seas she looked ahead,
Predicting demands to come..
Willed herself to be better than..
The experience which left her numb..

The storm itself caused some doubt..
Yet she defied the blinding rain..
Hunkering down through the beast,
Believed her mission not in vain..

Capsized went her beloved ship..
In the middle of the night..
Bewildered and so fightened was she..
Without a clue nor hint of light..

It is time now to move Dear One.
She heard from within..
This ship is lost, tis not home for you.
Its now, I'll teach you to swim.

"You must be joking right??
I have not even a vest!?"
Trust this voice to lead you home.
Let go!  And I will do the rest.

Confused yet still in awe..
She reluctantly let it go..
With gulps for air, flailing arms..
Now her lesson God would show..

"I'm scared! I'm weak!
Don't leave me here alone!"
Such silence was mistaken..
For an answer she has no home.

Washed up upon the shore..
Through relief and bitter tears..
The inner voice whispered softly..
Dear One, now I've released from your fears.

Nolan...a gift for stories..  He still sings of her glories.. From the folds, a soul cast out...of a family for his doubt.

Gwen...a mom for us, who lost her own....she was 14, not nearly grown...she hurts for work she was forced to do...ignoring her own needs, she'll focus on you...

Brenden...is there a more caring man?  He watched over us as a mother hen...He could not keep us each from harm...no matter his love or old-soul charm...

Kelly...a shy girl; she was me, refected in all of my poetry...she watched the grief seize her world...cut off from herself, she spun and twirled...

Shannon...my heart my little sis...she bubbles with smiles I sorely miss...she gives away love and is so very cute...she is the reason I am no longer mute...

Jonny...he was so small...around his heart was built a wall...he speaks as one who is lifetimes old...inspiration moves through him body and soul...

Bob...he was just a babe...was not held long by arms that save...but still clear on how good it would feel...to be himself; to be free and "real"...

We are her seven, her work of art...each our own story, the music of Judith Anne's heart.

Upon me imposed
Rules that I uphold

For what it is to be me...

I surrendered to you
For a path less true

Blaming, as I have failed to see...

Yet now I realize
Blind were My eyes

The world of limitations we shared...

Cast down from skys
I refused to rise

To my abilities, my passion, my cares...

Fear of unknown
Of being alone

I reduced myself to being your crutch...

Forgiveness I plea
I could not live free

As I learned to need you too much...


I understand
t'was not Your hand

That molded me into this form...

Won't allow you to hault
Nor toss upon fault

You who walks with me through this storm..

If we were to come to our senses..
Relationsips would require no fences..

To keep others out, or needed ones in..
Nothing to lose and nothing to win..

Pocession of another would require no proof..
As its an impossibility to own a soul so aloof..

Would a body stay in ******* for reasons imposed?
Tis true many make deals such as this I suppose..

Yet, souls yield not for the demands of submission..
But for their Maker who frees all, this is my intuition.

As my heart looks around
A Sea of Mess to be found..

Cluttered is my mind
A way through, will I find?

Bewildered and unsteady
I begin though not ready..

With no end in sight
Will I win this fight?

Can I stand the reflections
Of limitless imperfections?

Inner space, a safe haven
Yet my world its not saving..

And the work to be done
May not be so much fun..

In me, a child wants play
With tasks she won't stay..

Discipline caused her fear
She resists seeing the mirror..

But perhaps she would find
A reflection not unkind..

Compassion and strength
Companions for the length..

Never alone with the mess
An internal team makes it less..

Of an upsetting event
Echoing so much love sent..

From all goodness known
She will make this her home.

Dear Brother,
Don't be so strong..
Burdened so long..
If I could take..
Away the heart ache..

Dear Brother,
I would your soul..
Ease and console..
Remove the fears..
An Ocean of tears..

Dear Brother,
Powerless we are..
To rescue your star..
Yet see Love prevail..
It Heals without fail..

Dear Brother,
Your heart beats in hers..
Angel near reassures..
God's love wraps around..
Seeming lost before found..

Dear Brother,
Know always in all ways..
God stands by to amaze..
Ivy's heart holds your heart..
We stand as one as our part..

Fault is a stealy sheild..
Blame, a fool's way to resist..
Misery affords some company..
Yet then Suffering will only persist..

A rebellion requires no heros..
No villians, no victims, nor saints..
Now how would this picture be painted..
If Healing and Mercy were paints?

The intense and darker shades..
Blended with muted, softer lights..
The poetry in each colors' movement..
Would strike us all with such sight..

We would not focus on parts..
Wonder what is"good" or what's "bad"..
We would breathe in the splendor..
The artistry of soul survial we now have..

Released from harsh judgement..
Free of resentments and old pain..
And finally those who have harmed us..
Forgiven, allowing inner peace to reign..

Listen...

As they show you
their many needs and ways
From the moment they are born
To the very last of your days

Their poetry is in motion
They're language is in play
Their cries for help, behavior
Their wisdom, confounds "your way"

Love...

Though you may be tired
And doubt plagues your mind
You crave quiet open spaces
And Sanity is so hard to find

Know each grace is given
For travelers to find a path
Branches placed to trip you
Land you on humility's softened grass

Learn...

To see youself the prisoner
You keep under lock and key
The one you flog for disappointing
The one who begs to be set free

To let go of your agenda
Your illusion of control
Listen, Love and Learn
All that's needed to be made whole.

HE              SHE               WE

Seek shelter through the storm



EYES         CAN'T         SEE

Nature's wisdom as she forms



PARTS          BREAK          FREE

Amongst debrie of broken dreams



NEW       LIFE      BREATHES

Amidst decaying, dead treacheries



WHY          ASK          WHY

Layers pile one upon the last



RAIN       TEARS       DRY

Each new life fed by its past



A        STRANGENESS       TO

This rythm, this bittersweet song



PRIMITIVE        IS        TRUTH

We live and die yet always belong

I do not fear loosing him
I only fear for what is lost..

Blindness to a way through
"No surrender" at all cost..

Feet to fire he submits
Humors my "demands"..

But will he ever realize
Our fate is in his hands?

Easy to see the hostility
Yet beneath the outward blame..

I see a man whose hurting,
Alone with so much shame..

He has greatness in him
A heart so loyal and true..

Yet wrapped tightly around him
A disease which allows nothing new..

So slowly his greatness dies
His compassion withers and fades..

His family resists turning to him
In so many, many ways..

It is not seen or heard
It hardly has a sound..

She finds a way to endure it
Her own Island cuz he's not around..

Drowning in a sea of *****
The goodness loses its grip..

Who remains is not her husband
For he has abandoned the ship..

He's lost at sea somewhere far
She waits, hoping he will learn..

Emplores the disease to forsake him
For he is lost and may never return..

I smiled today; I did not look away..
From seeing Me straight in the
eyes..
Come out my dear, you've nothing to fear..
I'll listen, making space for your
cries..

Of frustration, loneliness, life losses..
That have piled up deep inside..
Know I've seen You, through you..
From me, you have nothing to
hide..


You may believe your conduct shocking..
Terrible, unspeakable even to me..
A mask to hide life lived in silent dispair..
Be assured, there's nothing I haven't seen..

And yes, I know those who love chocolate..
More than they believe they
should..
But asking your soul what's really wanted..
Will help you discover what's
good..

And not from an outside moral code..
But what strikes your soul's chord from within..
Still waters run so quiet, so deep..
Remember your searching that "well" from within...

Do you have a "Mindful Eye"?
For challenges you face on your way..
Or do you take a critical stance..
For each flaw, each "trouble" of the day?

From where do our judgements echo?
Intruding into Present from Past..
How well do you recognize the script?
You follow blindly believing you're cast..

In a role which allows no liberty..
To move free or breathe new life..
If you knew your role to be optional..
Would you find courage to let go of strife?

Would you see your perception subjective?
Suffering not manditory from Pain..
Would you re-map your inner workings..
To move forward your "healing brain"?

Now for me, I can tell you..
I suffer from "exhaulted opinions" too..
I stand in harsh judgement..
Of all "I can't" but wish I could do..

And as I become more flustered..
More discouraged and "proven" correct..
My Mindful Eye waits with patience..
That someday soon we'll connect.

I can never loose, what I never have.
Or have what I'm not willing to loose.
But watch now as I weave around,
The world's imposed rules.

There may appear to be no way,
out of yet another catch 22.
But such the optimist that I am,
Perhaps the universe I can fool.

I imagine in my minds eye,
a day not so far ahead..
Where serenity reins, sense abides,
Lost hope renewed from dead.

The how and when, I've no control.
But that given time it will be true.
There's a way to where we each belong..
A way back home, for me and for you.

To change the past.
That is the plea.
Of the many,
Who have failed like me.

Torment be gone,
From hurting hearts.
Anguish errased.
Unpuzzled the parts.

So much more simple,
life could be.
If it all could unscramble
And set us each free.

From our choices,
Now sealed in the past.
Forever imprinting,
Our days to the last.

When you dance?  
Do you dance with eyes closed tight?

Do you blink?
For a glimps of  her true moonlight?

Do you pause?
To notice if she wishes to follow you?

Do you loosen your grip?
As she moves in her own quirky groove?

Do you fear she'll break free?
Leave you dancing alone?

Do you let her go?
See if you're her "true home"?

Do you offer a door?
If she must part ways?

Or do you harm her?
Be sure she's crippled and thus always stays..

Would it be enough for you?
To call it a dream come true?

For a partner to "protect" you from harm?

His will not your own
Would keep you at home..

Much of the control accepted as "charm" ..

Would it be enough for you?
His needs become the glue?

Which keeps all things snug in their place..

Your primary role
To bandage a soul..

Who does not accept you have your own face..

Would it be enough for you?
To live life for his truth?

Repression robbing the very air that you breathe?

Could you "make it work"?
As your kids watch your worth..

Circle the drain causing Dignity finally to leave?

Would it be enough for you?!
As your identity they confuse..

For some object that lives to serve and comply?

Tell me..what's it worth to you?
Your true self to shine through..

On which Mountain would you be willing to die?

So my name was "Waztaeat",
And now its "whereyoubeen"!?

But the only crazy part???
I kept answerin!

I'd move idly through each my days.
Respond atomatically, seeming unphased.

But under this calm outward facade.
Braced for indignities, my soul quietly raged.

"Don't lie! Don't lie!
You hate this!", she'd shout.

"Stop allowing this nonsense.
Or you'll never come out."

"Of this crazy, wackadoo loop...
I'm your soul! The only you get!"

"Take your stand NOW kiddo!
Or you soon may forget.."

"Your whole point and purpose..
For this life; move and breath free."

"Through boundless open spaces..
Gleening truth, seeing you see me.."

My intention, to heal
Do not what harms..

Yet how do I move free
From these pardox arms?

This soul?  She is part
of each one and all..

That has ever been made
Grand design; and small..

My mind flew away
along with my soul..

My heart stays to wait..
What is my true role?

Is healing possible?
If I should stay?

Boundaries I see
may show us the way..

For hearts to follow
their path though hard..

Recovery and healing
From broken glass shards..

Mmmmm...chocolate..what you do to me..
How my body responds and stirs to be free..

the knowing a bite..
just wouldn't be right..

I can feel "the pull" from down to my soul..
I want just to taste and let it unroll..

the sign says stop!
this vice you must drop!

But dark sweetness already, has passed my lips..
The hungry place consumes it, control now slips..

Don't care to miss..
One moment of bliss..

I've drifted so far from my cares and my goals..
I've forgotten my name or who pays the tolls..

of my delite..
in just one night..

For the whole pan is gone? There are no more?!
Its done....In bewilderment I drop to the floor..

Chocolate brownies, ****!
You got me again!

lol

Four shadows upon the ground..
They move in sinc without a sound..

Knowing their fate rests on strained souls..
Finding their way; broken til whole..

The sun casts its power to show the unseen..
A world within worlds; not what it may seem..

Oh fate don't be fickle, be on the side..
Of four shadows cast down from sun-shining skies..

"She's gone." he said..
In that moment you fled..

Inside to escape..
Faces show it's too late..

The knowledge of death..
She's breathed her last breath..

But there's nowhere to go..
So you try not to show..

The world's now in parts..
Of all broken hearts..

Who've lost their home..
She'll not tell a poem..

Of how to speak..
About something so bleak..

How to cry..
When you'd rather die..

How to ask why..
All so terrified..

Cuz their home is gone..
No leader lived on.

a sleepless night..
if I could write..

myself free of torment and ache.

then I would see..
a plan for me..

the light of truth as I wake.

eyes see me crazy..
i can't deny maybe..

there's some validity to the concern.

but still its my eyes..
that must see through lies..

for lessons this soul wants to learn.

The least you can do..
All I'm willing to ask.

The least you can do..
Won't trigger hurts past.

The least you can do..
Allows me my wall.

The least you can do..
Off need's cliff I won't fall.

The least you can do..
Won't harm if you turn away.

The least you can do..
Prepares for when you can't stay.

I lost a poem today
I thought it profound
captured my confusion
Anchored feet to the ground..

This piece, she flew away
Didn't bother to wave
How I hurt that she left me
Yet her loss a gift gave..

So attached I am
To the stories I weave
Yet gripping so tightly
I can't allow grief to leave..

So you see, my dear poem
She so suddenly was gone
She did not say goodbye
Her gift?  To move on.

Do you wish to listen?
Hear someone true?

Be awed and amazed
how little you must do..

Let go of your plans
Let go of control

Let her speak to you
From the depths of her soul

Let go of your will
Let go of the past

Let her come to you
As only this way can last

You who hold the cards
Let them faaaaaaall........

You'd be amazed...
Once you take down that wall.

If I were more "grateful"..
Would I avoid a long stare?

If I were more "thoughtful"..
Perhaps my words could then repair?

If I were more "understanding"..
Destructive patterns would not trouble me..

If I were more "revealing"..
Maybe then I could help you see?

If I were more "patient"..
Perhaps my needs would not press to be met..

If I were more "forgiving"..
All past harm I could forever forget..

If I were more "sensical"..
I would not stir up suspicion..

If I were more "trusting"..
I'd have no need of woman's intuition..

If I were more "as I should be"..
All problems then I could solve..

If I were only more "proper"..
I could be a woman with no wish to evolve.

The sound of grief?
A piercing scream..

From deep inside..
A broken dream.

Try to wake..
Run and hide.

But no...no.
Not this time.

A wave of pain..
followed by dread.

Up for air..
No, I'm not dead.

Bargain..plead..
Please don't leave!

Answer why!!?
I don't believe..

Don't go!  Don't go!
I'll lose control..

You promised me!
you'd never be stole..

No choice for me..
No answers to hold..

Powerless, and small..
Surrender; I then unfold.

Wherever you go, know I'm here little one..
If gone from my place, do not fear dear one..

Disappear it seems all good things must do..
Yet know my love takes a new form for you..

Did you see me in that smile your teacher gave?
Hear me in the music lifting your heart as a wave?

Search for me not in the places I've been..
I surround as a blanket to warm you in..

If you are cold, of me you've grown unaware?
Turn toward an angel left there to repair..

Your radar that sees love, abundant and true..
See then I have not nor ever will leave you.

I live in the spaces between the calm..
I am wilderness, I am mess..
I am the fight to move on..

There are those who only see in life what is wrong..
I am resolve, I am steady..
I am forced will to be strong..

If you can't find your way, the path through seems lost..
I am sight, I am touch..
I am breath through the cost..

Walk with me and as we walk we pause..
I am a hand, I am a mind..
I am here just because..

There is nowhere else I would rather be.
I am presense, I am compassion..
I am The Love..

Than here with you, that we each may see..
We are the dark, We are the light..
We are Creation's Sparks of..

I speak for your ear.
But you do not hear.

I toss my signals to the skies..

They land so far.
From where you are.

I see the fear in your eyes..

How can I show?
What you need to know?

To walk with me on this path?

Listen?  You can't.
Despite this rant.

You have no soul for my math..

I'm not a mystery.
Ask and you'd see.

I hold truth open to read..

A book for you.
If ever you choose.

To follow rather than lead..