It bothers me that I was her understudy.
It bothers me that
I am a woman
But to you I was just a warm body.
I was never her.
When I catch your scent my face scrunches tight,
But I never let you see.
Unrequited oh-so-absolutely not love.
If you could pull me apart,
Stretch me out,
You would see that I am small.
I feel small.
I wish I was enough
And yet at the same moment I want nothing of you.
I don’t want you.
Not you.
I hereby lay us to rest, the us that we were.
You cannot be my friend
Because when I look at you all I see is *** and nothing.
Tomorrow I will make you coffee and pretend it’s all okay.
But on the inside I am shrinking
Ever smaller.

Well. Here we are again, my darling.
I am waiting.
I am waiting for you once again.

Except  that, this time, there is no reason for me to wait.

In truth you are not mine and I do not belong to you any longer.
And yet I sit here, resolutely refusing to move,
my eyes closing with every passing second,
only to open again at the
slightest
flicker
of
light across my drooping lids.

I miss you.

And of course I still love you.
Did you ever doubt it?
No.
You know this.
Is that why you make me wait?

I am sick of waiting for you, my love.
I waited for a year.
I waited for you...
I waited for you to turn around and notice me,
I waited such a long time for you to say you loved me,
to know you actually meant it.
Not like the night I said it first.
When you were so taken aback you said it out of fear.
Out of that
cowardly
inherent
disease
men have to please women.
Without thinking.
Without truly believing.

But this time I will not wait for you.

I will move,
go,
vanish into thin air, into the world.

The stories you told are weights upon my flight.
They drag me down,
the heaviness of your empty words.

I will not wait for you.

My heart, and I.
We are so lonely here, without love.
Miles away from your arms.
How is your heart?
It is cold?

I am not cold. I am rushing into the sunlight.

I will not wait for you.

I am free.

Denial is a thing with such power.
Silence, movement; then it devours you.
I cannot see you now.
I cannot smell your skin
nor kiss you
nor love you
And yet
In my memory I will do all of these things.
Sweet torture, sweet torture
The swansong sings.
I must leave my life behind
The parents, the others, the I people I know,
But where will you be, my darling?
What will you do when I cry for you?
You cannot hear me across the tides.

I love you.

I pray you hear it in your memory.
My voice will whisper it in my sleep.
Maybe the wind will carry it on my dreams
to yours.
Hear me. Please, God. Don't forget me.