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107 · Jul 2021
White Mountain
I remember that night not vividly, but excitedly.
Awakened by his wildness, his quiet freedom, his lack of care.  
I remember watching him maneuver between structures like an animal uncomfortable being confined by anything man-made.  
Cautious, watching, going after only what it needs.
I remember feeling his scent through my entire body.
Each inhale filled with adrenaline and abandon that dripped into my lungs making my heart pound.
I remember him peering at me through a curtain of thick black lashes.  
Accentuating fierce almond brown eyes with golden tones reminiscent of the sunsets we'd both known so well.
The moment he was close, my skin piqued with the heat of the desert that ran through our bloods.
His hands gliding across my back freeing my ******* in a snap before his mouth demanded to be met.
I remember being lifted onto a cool metal work table only for a moment before incandescently melting into the scorching ****** of him.
Holding on and letting go.
Riding his freedom.
Tasting his heat.
Feeling his wild.
Losing the me this world sees
Liquifying into the connectedness
Of the memories of we both craved
What we both ached for.
Becoming the sand and the sky
The red earth and painted desert
Our heated breath amplifying into thunderous purple clouds.
Sweat dripping down our bodies like a craved desert rain.
Until the monsoon took us over and left us quivering.
Relishing in the freedom.
The wild....
I think there might have been music playing somewhere in the background that we laughed about later...but I can't remember for sure.
99 · Oct 2020
Poetry at 3am
I sat on the cold floor of my bedroom somewhere around 3am

Why is it always some ungodly hour with poets?

Anyway, I sat on my cold bedroom floor
Scribing of words about you, of course...

...They're always about you...

...Scribbles of words
Crumpled up into *****
Because nothing ever seems to come out right
The words don't fit

Your beauty
The depth of my love for you
How I ache for the loss of you...

...How you're the worst person that could ever exist for sending me to this hell of emotion on my bedroom floor at 3 o'clock in the morning.

Start again...
97 · Jul 2017
Secret
I hope you find yourself lying gently in my words
That you hear all the little things
I'll never whisper in your ear
I hope you read them and know your influence painted
Impressions so deeply upon my heart
That they spill out through my fingers
Because utterance was not an option
I hope you'll read and know
I hold onto the way your existence made me feel
That I keep it safe in a secret place
That though I would not change the path life has brought
That I will treasure those moments always
The ones that didn't get away
The ones that were so gloriously lived
...Felt
.....Tasted
......Touched
Not all moments are meant to last forever
But this does not diminish their value in time or life
So, as I write and share and
Dream those dreams meant only for me
In a soft, sacred space
Know your remnants are there
Never saying your name
Never speaking out loud
But quietly reveling in the beauty of those moments shared
So please, do not press upon me
Please do not try to change life's path
Float along with fate
Let her carry you where she may
Live and love all your moments
And I'll quietly hope I am there
90 · Oct 2020
Little Bird
Wake up little bird
The sun is shining
Wake up little bird
I have food for your belly
Wake up little bird
Your song is missing
Wake up little bird
Your cage is too quiet

Little bird,
Are you there?
Little bird,
Have you lost your song?
Little bird,
Little bird?

Don't leave me in this silence.
Writer's block issues
89 · Oct 2020
TV Show Memories
Television show memories
Memories of a lover
That lover that seemed like they held the potential of forever
Deep gazing eyes that said everything and nothing because it was all felt inside
Gentle featherlight strokes along the lines of each other's body
Allowing your fingertips to build memories of warmth
Muscle
Smoothness
Scent
Followed by the build up of hands that can't grab enough fast enough
Kissing scenes that capture the passion you once knew
Kisses that could barely contain the desire
Deep breath kisses that took in their entire essence
Taking quivering pause to look again into their eyes
That slight smile before demanding their mouth again
Desperate to have as much of them in you as possible
So you could hold onto fleeting moments and
Commit them to memory where they could live forever
These shows carry us to lands we've never been to
And still we recreate that magical relationship
It remains perfect and pure
Passionate
A fire that forever smolders
Because for a time, you were that show
In any part of world
It wouldn't matter because you could've been anywhere
In anytime
And it was with them
So it was everything
You just didn't expect the episode to end so soon
85 · Oct 2020
Dad Thoughts
Sometimes I still miss my father
I daydream of what his words might have been
I imagine that he is having a conversation with me
Or that he's painting with my sons
Maybe teaching them how to fix a car
Or build a motorcycle
I envision him sitting around the living room
Or kitchen table
Maybe sitting out back with us having his morning coffee
Caught up in one of the many
Indigenous people's issues we talk about regularly
My father who always claimed he was born to the wrong body
He was meant to be a native man
He'd been saying it since he was 6 years old, his mother tells me
That's why he was only ever with indigenous women
I picture his smile
His laugh
What his movements might have looked like
I don't question whether or not he'd be proud of me
I know that answer
I do wonder if it ever makes him sad that he can't be here
He can't interact with his grandchildren
or me
or my husband
this family that he always wanted
He can only watch through that impossibly thin veil
Sometimes I can feel when he's near
Occasionally that makes it harder
Sometimes I even feel him and my father in law together
Hanging out like a couple of old native guys
Laughing at our craziness
Shaking their heads at us
Wishing we knew how close they were to us
We're almost at another Autumn Equinox
The veil is getting thin
I always feel them when it's like this
So incredibly close
Separated by nothing more than a veil
85 · Oct 2020
Muse
My fingers stilled
Unable to move across the pages
My muse was gone
No more words
The flower's petals kept his tender touch
The moon kept her compass
The sun burned memory into the pigments of my skin
The wind kept his sweet breath
The galaxy a black hole
Only left
Quiet
Stillness
Silence

Return
Bring back the light of the moon
Let the sun be your embrace
The wind carry your sweetness on her breeze
Taking back your touches from the petals
Once again the galaxy would be your gaze
My fingers could move again
The pages would fill

And it would all be because of you
My Muse
85 · Oct 2020
Flood Gates
Can you hear them?
An entire language
Words pounding at the dam
Throwing themselves against the solid walls
Desperate to break it down
Soon they'll overflow

Soon all the words that haven't been said
They'll come flooding out
Washing over everything that has and hasn't been
Years of thoughts all rushing

But that doesn't mean they'll be heard
There will be hidden messages
Secrets that aren't meant for working ears
Or seeing eyes
They'll break through in codes
Codes that only whisper
Letters that jumble and misshape
With funny accents and curves
And ink that disappears

Can you hear them?
The poetry
The stories
All the letters threatening to
Flood through their silent prison
They're going to break down the walls
They're going to overflow
They're going to sing
To write
And then disappear
84 · Oct 2020
Her
Her
The humid summer nights taunt me the most
Reminding me of the warm sweat of your skin after hours of burying myself in you
Your scent dances on the hot wind
Honeysuckle and spice
I reach for another whiskey
Smooth vanillas and butterscotch drift over my tongue
Your kiss
What a fool I am thinking I could be stronger than your spell
Your magic is what drew me in in the first place
That darkness and moonlight
Silver, fiery licks through my soul
Eating my secrets as though it were your only sustenance
I down another drink
Bottom shelf tequila
Sharp, sweet, vicious...your bite
What kind of alcohol will take these memories
How much before I can pass out in blackness
*****, top shelf
Smooth, warm, empty...
I'm torn between spitting it out and drinking the whole **** bottle
Whole bottle it is
Finally at the point of blank
Only to fall into the black abyss to find you standing there
Waiting for me
Your skin glistening like the sweat after hours of *** on a hot summer night
Honeysuckle and spice invading my nostrils
Your smile might has well be the welcome death of me
It sends those silvery fire licks coursing all through my insides
I have only one more secret
That I know how much of a fool I am to have let you go
I *****, begging that the memory of you comes out with it.
It's still a humid summer night
And the honeysuckle scent is strong on the breeze
Some woman's giggle, not you, but it might as well be
Travels through my window
Another night
Another taunt
I need a ******* drink
83 · Oct 2020
Nothings
Let's have more of those safe conversations
You know the ones
Where we talk about music and writing
The ones that an onlooker would think are meaningless

Let's have more talks of coffee
And games
Of the weather

Let's have more talks of nothings
The ones where each word
Unfolds into another language

The language of great poets
The ones that capture the broken
With blunt eloquence
The ones that describe the desire
With the sharpest point of their pen

Let's revel in the riveting
The poignant
The masters of poetry

Let's have more safe conversations
Because we talk of the most unsafe of nothings
80 · Oct 2020
Cabin
I felt for the warmth of your palm against the doorknob gone cold
Searched out your fingerprints etched into the dust
Crisp leaves had made their home in the foyer
Crunching under foot
Listening for the steps to be yours
The hearth gone quiet...cold
These memories of you
Surviving in our eternal Autumn
80 · Oct 2020
That Night
Fingertips like paintbrushes
Leaving beautiful pictures
Of gentle memories across skin
Sweet sunrise glances
Glimpsing futures forever wondered
Moon rise illuminating beautiful secrets
Middle of night to find you awake
No words spoken
Crickets and bugs speak for us
Arms under yours
Warmth the embrace
To never be forgotten
Time is jealous
Thought it had its way
A thousand days
A thousand years
Does not matter
Silence and tender sighs
Our dismay
Kept in tiny boxes filled with jeweled hypotheticals
Words never said
Time never spent
Hidden in a thousand different places
Over hundreds of different galaxies
Twinkling little stars
Too far to reach
Those pieces...pieces of you and me
Gravitate
Assimilate
Dust to form
Out there...
In the darkness
Where it should be
And the light from us will flourish
Live forever
In dreams
In dark
In life
In death
In love
In loss
Always
We'll never perish
Like the stars in the sky
79 · Oct 2020
Contract
She is not gone, you know
She can't be
She's too selfish to fully let go
She's too good at justifying her hidden delicacies

She can still hear you
Still feel you
Still knows what you're thinking
When you're thinking it
Sometimes she uses her magic to make it so
Though she's too protective to ever let anyone else know

She manipulates the wind
Makes it carry her secrets up to the stars
So they twinkle with her intentions
Until she is a random thought stealing into your brain
Your heart
Your sleeping soul
Your aching bones

You know...
Those parts she claimed
When you so willingly signed them over to her
As her name brushed over your lips
In an exhale of relief
She kept those

She never intended to give them back
That was in the fine print of the contract
When you began the conversation
You're hers
You always will be

You could be with a hundred others
And still...
Those secrets
That touch
That quiet
That...

It's hers
It will always be hers
She's too selfish to let it go
And she's far too protective of her delicacies
75 · Oct 2020
Vague
You know there's more.  
There's always more.
He doesn't say them.
I don't say them.
Somehow we still manage to say all and nothing.
Each relying on our intuition to translate.
Both depending on the conveyance to be clear.

I hope it is.
Does he hope it is?
****...confusion

I hear it though.
The questions in the questions.
I think he hears the answers in the answers.
Always this language of in between.

In between....
Star crossed.
That's what it is.
Some ethereal cosmic fate.

Reason, reason...
Fingers tapping as I think on it....
Because life is not meant to be *******
Because you are meant to feel and be inspired
Because you are...
Because.....
Because........

Because sometimes it's just nice to have someone out there in all of existence that pays attention to the way you like your coffee for no good reason other than it's the way YOU like your coffee.

Because if I asked him the time and date of whatever
Or how many blueberries were in the box sitting on the table that one time we ate breakfast together...how many years ago now??
And he remembers.
And memory is all we're left with
When everything else is gone

You can be remembered for so many big things
But he remembers how I take my coffee
And that little tiny thing
Means there are so many more not tiny things
That aren't being said, they're just known
In the in between
74 · Oct 2020
Coffee
Coffee black, is like bitter water
Too quick
Too much hot liquid
No mystery to it

I like my coffee with cream
Powdered cream that adds the smallest bit of thickness
To the dark water
Followed by a shot of flavor
Flavor that unfolds with warm beauty when it
Flows over your tongue

As though the flavor will also enhance the next words
To leave your lips
Words kissed with sweetness and warmth
A soothing coat to quiet any bitterness

You know you have enough cream in my coffee
When it matches the color of his skin
Caramelly, earthen, warm, silken...
Smooth like the swirls of the spoon as you stir
Sweet like his warm lips sweeping over mine
Warmth that flows over the tongue
Glides down the throat
Enveloping the sleeping parts and kissing them awake

I love cream in my coffee in the mornings.
71 · Oct 2020
Pen
Pen
The pen that fell spilled my words onto the carpet
I watched them seep into the threads
Painting a distorted picture
Blots of ink made Warshak tests
Out of my pretty phrases
My
     rhymes
               My  
                  deeper
                            meaning
                                         lines

Just shapes of black across the unforgiving selfish floor
Evil pen that divulged my secrets
Hiding love language and spells into careless synthetic blend fibers

Perhaps it was jealous that its magic only worked in my hands
When my fingers stroked its shaft
Until it exploded with graceful,
                                               powerful,
                                                       unforgiving,
                                                                descriptive,
                                                                         colorful,
                                                                             life giving,
                                                                                   life taking,
                                                                                        incantations

******* pen that stole my voice
The one that those without ears can hear
My silent screaming acquaintances
How grateful I was that you were my safe space to speak
Our secret languages
That give color and life to the world
We who are unafraid to feel

But that ******* pen silenced me.
For years I've been quiet
Watching conversations
                           words...
                               letters....
                                     songs....

But you know what?  
**** that pen
71 · Oct 2020
Stars
What happens to the words we swallow?
They don't sink into the depths of us
They are our silent spells
That gather
Cluster
Into galaxies within our rib cages
They turn into stars
Planets
Cosmos
A darkness with a universe
Marking time until it's found
Waiting for a strong enough
Telescope
.
.
.
A ping
A random collision of meteors
That spark an explosion
Through the spaces of ribs
Until an alphabet takes shape
N
E
W
Language is formed
Deep breaths of life are inhaled
Waking up
Growing
Green shoots of vocabulary
The magic of word
Spoken like infant feet
Learning to walk
Until songs are coursing over your tongue
And weaving into form
A universe of hidden
Life
Breath
Poetry
69 · Oct 2020
Gone
I rang, but there was no answer
So I walked outside and called, but quiet it stayed
I climbed the mountains high upon the earth
Echoing your name through the valleys
hearing it desperately repeat back to me
I flew to the skies and sailed on the clouds
Crashing them together
A thunderous cry for you
But still, you did not reply
I reached to the stars
Beseeched them to spell your name in the heavens
But their luster had been claimed
They do not sparkle for the forlorn
I begged the moon to light my way
I did not understand when her glow led through a veil
"This is the way to all lost lovers", she replied
So your name I called
Banging my fists on the translucent sheen
Aching to cross over
But I could not get in
Gently resting my hands on the silken divide
Feeling the ripple of energies kept
I love you still, I whispered
66 · Oct 2020
Kindling
Don't add kindle to the fire
She's sleeping right now
Her sleep is calm and safe

Her fire, when lit,
It burns too bright
It calls the spirits to dance
The soul to enliven
Her flame is gentle kisses
To all the deepest darkest parts

See her quiet and calm
She is just a candle
A gentle glow in the dark room

Don't add kindle to her fire
Her burn is that of life
Life that seethes into your veins
Veins that had been hardened by life
Her fire is fresh vitae

Her flame burns the old
Demands the new
Makes all around her a Phoenix
Live! She demands it!

But, you always did like to play with fire...

— The End —