I want to be married and have kids one day
I want to have a real job, both work and play
I want to be a bridesmaid for my best friend
I don't want this life ever to end
But these dreams won't come true
And it's all because of you
You never take care of yourself
All you do is ignore your health
I want to be able to write my own song
I want to be able to sing alone
I want to impact someone's life
I want to be someone's wife
But if you don't control your disease
You cannot do any of these
So I beg you please, there's only one thing to do
Take care of the most important person; You

These scars that line my face tell a story
A story of the horror I have seen
The tears that have fallen
The cries that have escaped
The memories I try to bury
And the thoughts I wish I could erase
I just want to crawl into a hole
And wish that everything was okay
That the world wasn't crashing down on me
Why do I have self control
Because all I want to do is die
But instead I cut my flesh
Burn until I feel numb
Drink until I can't see straight
Smoke until my lungs burn
Cry until I fall asleep
Keep it all bottled up until I heal
And start it all over again

~July 15, 2012~

Everything is crashing down on her
Like a wave full of regret.
Heartache, pressure, drama,
Things she wishes she could forget
She thought she had control
She thought she'd stopped the pain
But everything is going wrong
It feels like she's becoming insane
Her friends are abandoning her,
Her family forgets she exists
She tries to tell her best friend
But "everything will be okay" she insists
When she bottles things up, 
She'll eventually break
And no one can help her
It feels like a mistake
But when she tells how she feels
Everyone assumes it's for attention
Then she's blamed for everything
As if She'd put herself through an intervention
Nobody understands  
But without these people she isnt whole
Nothing is in the right place
All of her emotions are out of control
It feels like shes locked away
And cant find the key
Trapped with herself
She is her own worst enemy

A kind soul
A life so unfair
Has taken its toll
This pain she cannot bare
She shows the smile the world wants to see
In reality she's dying inside
She cannot hide this from me
Vibrant blue eyes that draws you into her past
Like pools of water
Everything is happening to fast
You have to peel of the mask and dig deeper
A heart so warm
Skin ice cold
Hope so torn
A mind to unfold
Thoughts she wish weren't real
If these were possible to hear
Someone would know how she feels
She would no longer live in fear

I don't know what to do
These emotions are tearing me apart
I hate this
My skin is haunting
My tears never dry
And my heart feels like it's shattered into a million little pieces
I hate this world
Being human
Illness
Emotions
Complications
Why?
I would rather be dead
I deserve to die
I hurt someone I loved
Burned bridges that can never be repaired
Gave up on life
All I want now is to be happy
Just for a second
I miss being happy
Happy...
I can't remember ever being happy
Is that an emotion that people can still feel?
I can't

~August 9th 2012~

Irony is...
When you hide cuts under a bracelet that says To Write Love On Her Arms
When you try to do good, but always do harm
Irony is...
When you're in love with a girl whose in love with a guy
When you always tell the truth, but get caught in one lie
Irony is...
When you give everything to someone, and they give nothing back
When the person you love, wants the one thing you lack
Irony is...
When someone promises they'll always be there, forever to keep
Yet every night, I cry myself to sleep.

I told you
I told you how I feel
How you make my heart beat
Faster and faster, and then you make it stop
I can't breath
Butterflies
Dizziness
Insanity
I told you
And you never said anything back
Nothing at all
No response
I waited all night
But you never said anything
You ignored me
The next day
We were back to normal
To you
But my heart was broken
Shattered
Bleeding
Alone
At least you could be a man
Be a man and respond
Say yes
Say no
Don't say nothing
You are driving me insane
Please help
Please stop
Please... Just answer me
Talk to me
Look at me
Tell me what you are feeling
Hate
Love
Anger
Pity
Anything
Anything would be better than this
Than not saying a word
Than not acting different
Then not even being able to look me in the eye
You are driving me crazy
Making me crash
Fall
Off a cliff
Off a mountain
Off of the world
Into the darkness
Alone
Never returning
Never the same again

You continually make me cry
the way you try and say goodbye
the way you try to smile
even though you havent been happy for a while
the way you hide how you feel
the way your scars will never heal
the way you call me at night
out of fury and pure fright
the way your dad hurts you
the way you are always blue
the way you walk down the street
the way you are beat
but you also always make me happy
with the poems you write that are sappy
with the jokes you always tell
and how you ask if i'm well
how you talk to me everyday
and the way you always stay
no matter how much i cry
no matter how much i lie
so it was today that i realized
that without you i would have been paralyzed
without you by my side
i would have surely died
by now i would have killed myself
if it wasn't for your help
thank you for being with me from the start
i love you with all my heart

Could I hate my life any more
My heart is beat up, bruised and sore
I can't speak without crying
I can barely walk, but I keep trying
Scars on my pale white skin
I can't stop myself from committing a sin
My friends all left me behind
And they hurt me in any way they can find
My family will ignore me all together
And leave me alone in this dark weather
I will scream until my lungs burst
But then everything will just get worse
I stand alone, holding a knife
All I can think of is ending my life
I bring it closer to my chest
And bring it down fast so I can finally rest
I lay on the ground covered in blood
The rain beats down, causing a flood
My head spins fast as I sob in silence
The whole scene around me showed the violence
My sobs slow down, as does my heart
And I am happy to end my part
This tragic life is almost gone
I can see the sun, it's almost dawn
Then I see the lights flashing in my eyes
And a distant voice cries
I feel myself being lifted off the ground
And I wonder how the hell I was found
They bring me to a room full of light
I use all my strength to try and fight
Then all I remember is seeing dark
And being brought back to life with a spark
I lay in bed feeling numb
And all I hear is a distant hum
Then my eyes open slow
And the distant hum starts to grow
A figure is standing before me
And that’s when I realize that I'm not free
I am still stuck in this place
And my heart starts beating at a fast pace
I try to get up, but it hurts so bad
Then I just get more and more mad
I thrashed around and tried to plea
Please, please let me be free
Let me end my life once more
And not ***** up like before
A soft moan is all they hear
And see only one single tear
To this day I am glad I was found
Bleeding to death on the ground
For if I was not I wouldn’t be here today
Where I am loved and is here to stay
With my friends and family whom I all love
And saved me from being sent above
From that day on I never once scarred my skin
nor did I try to once again sin
I have never hated myself for who I am
And I never stopped giving a ****
That experience I will never regret
For it never let me forget
That I will always be loved for who I become
And I will never again feel numb
And what I did on that dark day
Was the thing that made me who I am today

I love you
I hate you
I miss you
I want you
I need you
I have you
You leave me
Alone
Crying
Scared
Scarred
Afraid
Sad
Mad
And dead
Dead in your heart
In your eyes
I am gone
For now
Forever
Never coming back
Never to be seen
All because of
You...