the issue is that, really, i am dead
nothing works anymore
and i'm trying to push through
i'm trying to resurrect
restructure
re-assimilate
but no one sees that

they're not going to house me while i'm dying
why should they
i still have to do things as it happens
i have to be active
they're not going to allot me the time to experience it fully, rationally, and come to terms with it
hospice care for a 20 year old doesn't exist
it's not a thing
to them i'm just sitting here
in this house
young and able bodied
with a desire for nothing
not wanting to work or go to school
laying across the couch in broad daylight
like an (being an) open sore
needing (to have) the sheets ripped off of me like a band-aide (bandage) to start my day

tap into the line of grief
-  Receiving this message. Recieving messages. Intense and deep. It running through me like a shock. A primal instinct. A knowing.

- last night i dreamt that your face fell apart
- last night i dreamt your came came apart
- in broad day light i dreamt your face fell apart
- in broad day light i dreamt your face came apart

- just when i thought there was no saving me, your mother invites me to join the family chorale of shrieks in response to a baby garter snake (on the porch)
i am unimpressed
calls me out to the porch to look at a snake
i am unimpressed
would i really be concerend?
everyone knows i'm a snake

you (momma) call me out to
you invite me to witness the 3 headed spetacle of a baby garter snake and your daughter trapping it by its tail
"someone **** it"

you invite me to the family event of killing the baby garter snake on the porch
it looks innocent to me
do you expect me to be impressed
afraid?
we all know i'm a (the) snake

Reconnecting with this feeling from my childhood: at night when my legs would throb and ache i would ask my mother why and she'd rub them and say they were "growing pains"

i find myself in the basement, oddly inflamed with sunlight
ephemeral rays stretch out across the ceiling and walls,
taking the form of various shapes
that almost feel like spirits
whispering me to step out of my own darkness
to integrate
burn,
resurrect

zapped of my energy
loss of vitality
heat rising
but trapped in my body
skin too tight
flay me
rip my soul out
soul take definition
spirit take definition

Mouth closed, teeth clenched (tight)
I lock myself down and harden
dissociating in and out of pockets of inertia that feel inescapable
Self-neglect as a defense mechanism
as a way of stopping time,
but i realize that time doesn't stop
you can't freeze life
systems begin to reverse
organs being to fail, rot,
decay
I'm unable to face myself
my body
to accept and take responsibility for the damage I've done to it
it doesn't sit with me well
I'm disgusted with the smell and feeling of deadness that spreads throughout
Everything is closing in
It feels as if life is going to eat me.