Midnight,

And I gaze through an open window
Into a reality that feels too sharp in contrast with my own hazy fantasy My cheek rests upon the underside of my arm
My hand delicately dangling off the painted white frame
Caressing the warm night air while you teasingly recite:
See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand! O that I were a glove upon that hand, That I might touch that cheek!
My only response is a drowsy smile, to you
Then up toward the moon
My peripherals shaking the shadows that are tucked ominously away from the light

Oh,
Your face
Such sweet sorrow as your eyes close and one comer of your mouth drifts peacefully up Smirking about some sleepy secret I know you intend to keep
One hand on the small of my back, it burns
The other curving carelessly upward, almost touching mine
Making me shudder as the static energy of a budding romance erupts in all the places our skin barely touches

Or perhaps

That's the cold one o'clock breeze slowly drifting in, so quiet
The kind of silence that makes the world seem small And only the two of us exist
All the small peaks of me rise and there's this unexpected, overwhelming sense
An indescribable ache in my soul and stutter in my heart
As if we've been here before
Or are to be here many times again

But then you close the window
And the feeling is gone.

Time to put on my favorite playlist
Something I can shake and shimmer to Something to aid me in pretending I'm someplace far, far away
The babies sleep inside their cartooned sheets upstairs
As music plays softly downstairs
And they dream of dancing, too

My mother twirls away her worries in another part of town
She's so beautiful as the beat moves through her
In perfect synchronicity with her pain
I long to catch the spinning hem of her skirts as she flies around the room
To leap next to her as she pirouettes the angry marks from her skin
Catch her as she's whirling with the nagging reminder of what if
And make her stay

When the last note of some nameless song echoes into vacant air
I try to mirror her, the way I imagine her in my head
I try to laugh at you and your ominous, invisible presence next to our back door
And the frightened feelings you left lingering behind

Permanently bruised; we dance so we won't cry
Irreparably broken by you, my mother and I.

There are moments in life that capture you so
When you think back, you are surprised you never saw the importance before
Like bounding through your childhood, completely carefree or
Glimpsing a strange girl spin drunkenly beneath a bare winter tree or
Staring up from your bedroom window at a hundred spring flowers draped from their branches
And not knowing it's beautiful

When reality hits, you think back again
How you could have grown up so fast, your childhood so brief or
Letting the strange girl spin close enough to love you
Before spinning away
The startling heartache when your father tells you he trimmed the hundred spring flowers hanging above your bedroom window
For you
For your best interest

So you could come to know the feeling of loss.

I stand on top of the world, an incandescent goddess
Feeling golden, smoldering, radiant
Words flow like melted butter from my lips and everyone smiles around me

The sight of me is enchanting
I have permanent hold of everyone's gaze
I collect their eyes like treasured trinkets, keeping each pair in my back pocket
For as long as I please

I don't just look good, my God, I feel good Indestructible, unbreakable, everlasting
Not even Death himself can touch me

I dance on my perch, elevated
Peering down at everyone below me with a patronizing stare
In the distance, I feel the spark of something coming at me fast
It's creeping up on me
Perhaps to take my immortality?
I try to ignore the waves of unrest lapping away in my stomach

It's upon me now, though, nagging at my feet I feel annoyed at its persistent presence and suddenly everything is red
Far too bright, like a sunset seconds before the darkness of night takes over
Everyone is loud, asking incessantly if I'm okay
And all can think is, what the **** does that mean?
The implications make me want to scream

As the weight of my senses start wearing me down, I close my eyes
I thought I was twirling on top of the world, wasn't I?
But now my eyes are open again and I'm careening on the top ledge of a ***** parking garage
I'm unsure anything is real at all
There's a bitter taste in my mouth where a mouth's worth of various pills come spilling forth from where they were hidden
In the folds of my cheeks and under my tongue
I feel crazed, yet apathetic
I feel remarkably mortal now

I could've sworn I was just invincible, merely a moment ago
I want to feel that way again, but it comes with a price
An inescapable duality
I'm left desperately grasping at it's vanishing trail
And the spot on the ground below me, where know I'd land if I jumped
Starts to look more and more enticing

I'll leap if it means I can leave this all behind If it means can lie in a pool of my own blood, warm like a blanket
If it means I can encase myself in the void
And feel absolutely
Nothing at all.

If I had the eyes of a fly
And could see with miniscule diamond lenses
Everything would multiply and maximize
To the tips of hair rising on a goose bumped arm
To the vastness of galaxies unseen

I could see into other realms, where they hear with their hands and kiss with their feet
I could identify the inner workings of the most complicated things
I could detect distances that never existed before I came to be
And glimpse visions that have only been dreamed of, deep within someone’s unconscious

With orbs like mine, I could look upon a girl and know that she yearns for the taste of something sweet
I could glance at a man and simply understand that he is unbearably forlorn
When someone lies, I can tell by the way tiny beads of sweat protrude
And when they tell me they love me, my eyes would preclude

But instead, I am only human
I see what a human does see

I can't tell if far away, there are other planets
I wouldn't notice if your hair did rise
My eyes only consist of scientific parts; cornea, pupil, and iris
I know nothing of a girl or a man
And if someone said, I love you
I would never be able to tell they were lying.

Loving you is no different
Than the way one might adore the moon
Sleepless within the early hours of the morning

Fully alone
Trapped in the elongated seconds just before the translucent, glimmering fingers of the sun extend over the mountainside
And dawn arrives
Shattering like broken glass across the horizon

I sit
Wrapped loosely in a wool coat on some balcony, somewhere
Shivering as the icy air freckles my arms with goosebumps
A gray gush of smoke rushes to escape from my lips
Yet lingers on my tongue
Like the inevitable current of a stream
Lapping at a sandy shore
Before flowing upward toward the fading stars

Cold and foggy
An empty stare settles upon my face
Fixating on the trains speeding by
One after the other
Never ceasing
Thundering, like my desperation for one last kiss
Before you disappear into the smoldering fire of a vast, rainbow sky.

6:23 AM
And my Sun crests over a mountain of blue cloth
Like a crimson dawn
Bloodied and beautiful

Many say I’m the one who’s created life
Yet, you have given me mine
A goddess of vitality, they said
But I was no deity
Only a ghost of a woman before I knew you, wispy and worn

What a staggering achievement of mine
To have produced physical perfection
Painted the deep brown of your chocolate eyes
Embroidered every stitch at the seams of your limbs
Wrote the curve of your cheek as you slept peacefully against my breast
Designed your every inch from the blank canvas of my womb

I am but a humbled artist
And you, my greatest masterpiece
I thought, perhaps, I had loved before
But you have taken the breath directly from my heart
And I am entirely empty
But for my devotion to you.

There's an infinite number of lifetimes
Carved out by my choices, the way water cuts through stone
That lead to countless versions of myself Each beautiful, each unique
Like the multicolored pebbles found in a thousand year old river bed

Yet, if given the choice
I would always find my way back to you

You,
Laying half asleep next to me in the warm glow of afternoon light
Our son dreaming quietly nestled between us, our feet tangled together below
A hazy contentment in your eyes while you ask me what I'd like for lunch
And a lone kiss, more intimate in its singularity than anything I've ever felt before.

Can you imagine the way your heart might mend
Abruptly awakening to a dark, inky Sky
Your sleepy eyes seeing more stars than you knew existed
Stealing the breath from your lungs all at once as they spill across the night like milk

Imagine the strength you might secure
Climbing through bottomless, unfamiliar Canyons
Feeling millions of years slide across your calloused palms, timeless
The Earth safely embracing you against Her warm, red rocks

Imagine the love that might swell within you
Watching the River spark, then ignite, with the flame of the setting Sun
Her gentle ripples reflecting magic back into your humbled, Human eyes
Her ever-steady flow beneath your wavering feet

Imagine the beauty you might behold
To come upon a bushel of prickly pears, purple like plums
Set atop a vibrantly flourishing Cacti like a thorny crown
The taste of their sweetness lingering on your tongue for hours

But,

Imagine the same way your heart might break
To turn away from the intense heat of an unforgiving Sun
As Her rays beat down on your reddened skin, relentless
Searing you until you're cracked, bleeding, and raw

Imagine the fragility you might feel
As the Canyon's loose pebbles send you flying, tumbling downwards
Her soft curves turning into sharp edges
That leave you bruised, scraped, and defeated

Imagine the fear that might overwhelm you
As you lay yourself down to sleep, alone on the cold sand of a beach
The torrential roaring of the River's rapid crashing on below your head
Screaming forgotten heartaches throughout your dreams

Imagine the ugliness you might witness
As you reach too quickly for the Cacti's unripened fruit
Her bone-like spines piercing your skin, leaving such a powerful ache
It stings long, long after it's gone.

There are a handful of tiny mice living in my home
Gray, like ash
Spilling from holes in the walls and abundant cracks in the foundation
They have been gnawing away at me
For far too long now
Yet, I allow them to continue
Out of pity
And a bottomless loneliness that consumes me

At times, I have loved each of these mice
So deeply
Given them my everything
Taken their companionship with open arms
Fed them, held them, existed quietly amongst their filth

But recently, I feel they may not be as beneficial to my well-being as once thought
I find myself more often than not
Aggressively snarling
Perpetually weeping
Continuously irritated
And utterly defeated as they scurry back and forth over me
Again and again and again  

They tear apart my pallid flesh
Pry away tufts of matted fur for their little nests
Nibble away at minuscule, almost unnoticeable parts of me
Turning my bones to a chalky dust that fills the air and makes it impossible to breathe
I am merely a ragged shadow of myself, now

But finally, I crack
Bare my sharpened teeth
Furiously grind my jaw
I claw and claw and claw
Until I open my eyes
Glance around
And see that I’m the only one making myself bleed

Just like that, they scramble away in terror
Only returning every once in awhile
To peek through the sagging drapes of my windows
And under the sill of my doors
But never again entering

I rest peacefully in complete silence for the first time in years
Splayed across the barren floor, alone
And desperately wishing I would have realized sooner
That mice are easily scared by wolves.

Ambling along a well-known path through a well-known forest
I cross a tepid creek I’ve swam in dozens of times
Pass an old, weathered tree with my name carved into the side
And turn a sharp bend I know leads to home
But,
I come to a sudden halt as something foreign rises into my sight

A golden lion
Caged by beautiful, deeply rusted wrought iron with thick emerald vines twisting upward toward the sky
Giving the impression it’s been here for years, somehow, without me noticing

From a distance, a seemingly comfortable looking cage, filled with familiar amenities
The lion gazes into a broken mirror resting in the corner
And appears content
But I sense this is all the lion has ever known

I take a timid step into the desolate prison this lion calls his kingdom
I caress his flaxen mane tenderly, for what I know is the first time in a long while  
Trying to depict how glorious it is outside the cage
All the wondrous places I could show him
The joy in feeling fresh air and warm sunshine on his sallow skin
But he roars at me in response, sending a thundering shock through me
Irate that I would ever suggest anywhere in the world could be better than his “luxurious” cage

With that roar, I watch ice splinter outward from his broad chest and creep up his arms
Before settling like a soft blanket of morning frost on his shoulders
It’s suddenly cold and I feel as if I should depart, knowing that he would never ask me to leave himself
But I’ll become complacent too
If I stay here

So I turn away with heavy feet and accept there’s nothing I can do
No light bright enough to make him see
No words loud enough to make him hear

As I grow old and eventually return to the Earth, he stays in his cage and paces for a hundred years
And a hundred more after that
A constant pang of regret filling him to the brim and overflowing from his hungry eyes
Never knowing
Always wondering
With only the white noise of the forest
And the sound of his pounding, lonely heart

So here you are.

Mingled in with all my other far-fetched fantasies
Of composing epic poems and
Traveling to romantic cities and
Laughing much too loud over expensive wine

You have always presented yourself to me just out of reach
Unattainably attainable
Slinking out of sight behind the crumbling brick of my dreams

Could you ever forgive me for this poem?
My words seem to fall all wrong, don't they?
What do you expect though,
When you've made yourself so ineffable to me?

How could I ever describe the tender heaviness in your longing glances across untouchable boundaries?
With what words am I allowed to illustrate the wind rising sharply against the silent night where I stand alone in the trees and burn for you?
Is there an alphabet emotionally eloquent enough to depict our undeclared flame of devotion?

It's taken me years, but I'm beginning to piece it all together
Perhaps it's the way I can feel your eyes burning in my mind, though your gaze remains averted where you stand before me
Or the way you touch me in my subconscious with hands I can never hold in my own
Speak encouragingly to me with a voice I haven't heard in years, and may never hear again

Even as your path drifts far from mine, and numerous lifetimes pass us by
We can always meet again
At the Yellow House or
the Green Room or
the White Bed:
The places where you changed me.

And when I'm sitting in a bar drinking a glass of Chateau Lafite
Somewhere in Paris
Writing an epic poem and laughing much, much too loud

I'll take solace knowing you're thinking of me, too
In your own far fetched fantasies of what could have been.

Looking in your eyes
Is just the same as traveling through time
Hurtling backwards through days, weeks, years
And lifetimes of memories
Hidden just behind the dark burnt umber of your irises

The smell of your breath as you kiss me
Sitting on a canyon ledge in the dark

The feel of your thumb gliding across my bottom lip
Successfully making me tremble under your touch

The sound of your voice in my ear, a noise I am instinctively aware of
Judging your distance from me based upon the decibel

The taste of river water in my mouth as we crash through a wave
Moving together in sync without speaking a word

The sight of your face, beaming as you turn your head on the count of
One…two…three!
Your smile burning just for me, forever engraved into my heart

As we grow older, our lives melting into one
As the excitement of an adventure turns into a daily contentedness next to one another
As the intense electricity of our passion lulls into a slow simmer of unconditional love

I can always turn to you
Gaze into your eyes
And experience every one of our moments together
With the same vividness, in the greatest of detail
All over again.

It seems the world has become quite occupied
With the task of making beds

As if the daily fluffing
And tucking
And straight lines
Could make our time here on Earth
Any less hard

As for me, I've come to think
Beds look much more inviting
With it's sheets rippled across the wooden floor
The contours of it's folds casting shadows in the places light cannot gleam
Tapering off like the last line of a romantic poem

There's something positively dreamy
About ornate pillows, beaded and embroidered
Carelessly tossed about
Yet landing in such a manner, you find you have created art

It's as if the bed itself speaks
A gentle reminder
Of how you lay the night before
The imprint of your body still untouched
Still unmade

As if you could crawl back in at any moment
Settle into its grooves
Completely disappear into the previous moment
Drift back into a ray of morning sun
Instead of the lonely haze of dusk that has settled in your place.