It still hurts


missing someone you left


because it was the right thing to do


could possibly be the worst feeling


in the world




the only feeling I could think of


that would be much worse


would be giving someone who loves you


reason to leave you.

He loves cautiously
He needs to know there’s water in the pool before he jumps, which often makes these romantic moments, so much less romantic. Because a love and let love mentality just isn’t a possibility, at least for him- it isn’t. But I think thats what works for us. He’schecks the safety nets and parachutes and iI well iI uncontrollably free fall, face first, into any feeling that inspires me.
with him, iI can be that wounded girl looking for someone safe to vanish into and he can be the strength neither of us ever had. But for him to do that, for him to feel safe enough to be the strong one, he needs me to tell him simply and plainly, without any room for doubt, that I love him.
So when he asks me with his voice hoarse and bourbon hushed, whispering down the length of our shared pillow, if next year we can spend christmas with his family- I don’t promise him all my holidays or say that with him, christmas can be a can of chicken soup in bed.
instead, I scoot in closer.
instead, I kiss him and tell him yes.

Things I have to remember to tell you.
I shared a sunset with him and a rainy morning too. He wrapped his arms around me and warmed my back with kisses.
If he was a test, then I failed miserably, my love. Twice.
Even the most devout women are not impervious to loneliness.
I found this memory like change in the pockets of last winter’s warmth…
You held me once(on one of my bad days) when I was sick and tired of people telling me everything would be alright & you admitted the world would sometimes be a dark place but then you told me we could wait it out together, promised to stay until everything got better

We didn’t fall out of love
I said nothing when what i loved most about you
stopped coming home
because our feelings
don’t just leave us,
we let them go.

I've become known for nothing but missing you,
recognized for the depths in which I long for you.
& when I catch myself thinking of you,
I silently curse myself.
You flash across my life like lightning.
& for today, you were once mine again.
In that moment, we were infinite.
You left a small piece of yourself with me,
something inside me,
so I can't forget you.
I don't want to forget you.
I hold onto those moments,
like if I were to let go,
you'd vanish,
for good this time......

Outside the trees bend west,
and the sky hangs cloudless & naked.
The moment I pull back the curtain,
I feel the warmth of the sun.
The breeze smells of brown sugar & spices.
& the applauding leaves sound like an invitation,
but in my mind,
I see him beside me as I glance over,
he sleeps.
Quiet & celestial,
the cadence of his breathing,
keep this world spinning and my heart promptly tell this beautiful day,
"no thank you"
as I lay back with thoughts of you fresh on my mind,
until I'm with you again.

I want to go back to that place, where white walls were clean & optimistic.
That place where vertical blinds moonlighted as wind chimes, lightly clapping together in the sunlight,
a place where last nights laundry was folded, cooling on the couch.
But it was okay because it was mixed with last nights laughter.
I want to go back to that place.
But its been so long & so glorified, I can't tell if it exists in my memory,
or in something from TV.