the bruises you left on her body don't even compare to the ones you left on her heart.
she trusted every word that you said,
but it was only because you forced her to.
you forced her to think it was alright
that you didn't stop when she said no,
you forced her to think it was alright
to go home in tears because of someone you
'love'.
you forced her to see you again the next day,
you forced her to do the same thing every single day,
no matter how many tears left her swamp green eyes
that were once a shining emerald green.
you said yes,
and she said no.
no is a million times more powerful than yes,
but you didn't care.
you didn't stop when she tried to push you away,
you didn't stop when she screamed,
you didn't stop when she cried,
you didn't stop when she went completely limp,
you didn't care.
you just wanted to feel something,
and you didn't care that the 'something' you were making her feel
was disgust.
she went home
and stared into her mirror.
she broke it into thousands of pieces,
and she picked the broken shards up,
all of them.
they bloodied her hands,
but she didn't care.
because she wanted to end her life,
and no one cared.
her family didn't even notice the cuts on her hands,
or even the missing mirror.
they didn't hear her crying in the shower as the water cascaded over her shoulders.
they didn't know what was going on behind the mask of her relationship.
they didn't understand why she was losing so much weight,
because he told her she was fat.
they didn't understand why she had bruises,
because he hit her.
they didn't understand why she stayed,
because she thought she loved him.
but she's never hated someone
so much.

when she first laid her eyes upon your twisted smile,
she immediately fell in love with you.
you told her you knew exactly how she felt,
but every word was another lie.
another lie that you used to dig an endless pit,
and you threw her in.
at first, she didn't mind,
because she was wrapped in by your manipulation.
you took everything away from her,
all her values, her emotions, her purity.
you turned your love into a nicotine addiction,
and she smoked pack after pack until it killed her.
you didn't care that you lied to her,
you didn't care that you broke her,
you didn't care that you killed her.
now she's just a girl with a real addiction
to pain.

when i first met you,
everything went from black and white to the most vivid colors.
you taught me how to love,
and you said you would love me forever.
you said you wanted to grow old with me,
but you didn't even make it to my eighteenth birthday.

i know i was all that you wanted,
but i'm not what you need.
all i do is cause pain,
all i do is drag heartbreak with me wherever i go.
i blocked you and removed you from everything,
because truthfully i can't bare to see you anymore.
looking at you reminds me of everything i've ever done, not just the pain i've brought onto you, but everything.
i left you because i want you to move on.
i want you to forget about me.
i want you to let me go.
i want you to know that i will always remember you.
we were always meant to end up right here,
saying goodbye.

there was always something special about you,
there was always something special about every single night i spent with you.
you were the only one that let me feel every emotion to ever exist,
the only one that took me to places i'd never been before.
we had a genuine connection,
emotional and
physical.
but then you slipped away,
and i didn't even fight it:
because i know we're better off this way.

somehow you're everywhere but nowhere at the same exact time.
i'm always thinking about you in everything that i see.
i'm always thinking about you whenever my phone vibrates,
because i'm hoping that it's you.
but it never is.
you promised me you would be here for me,
but you're not.
you said you never wanted to hurt me,
but you did.
you wanted me to keep the memories of you and look back at them with a fondness only love could conjure.
instead, the memories of you sent me to a tiny room with a couch, a desk, and one person with a medical degree.
instead, the memories of you sent me into a darker state than i was in before.
instead, the memories of you gave me a one way ticket to pillsville.
your imprint wasn't one i would like to remember,
it's one that i want to burn.

out of everyone that i've ever crossed paths with,
you're my favorite.
while we only spent a short time together,
you left me with more emotions than i could ever imagine.
we were never official,
but we didn't need to be.
you gave me hope.
the hope that you gave was all that mattered to me.
you made me feel something more than just a little crush,
but just like everyone else,
you left.
you left me with more heartbreak than i thought you were capable of.
but i can't blame you,
i would leave me too.
you didn't believe me,
and i'll never know why.
was my mental health too much for you?
was i not what you wanted?
was i not enough for you?
but again, i don't blame you,
i still care about you,
and i wish you nothing but happiness in all of your passions.

- 4 july 2019

everyday she spent loving you,
she lost a little bit of herself.
every time that she said your name,
a piece of her heart broke off.
everyday she laid her eyes upon you,
she had to hold back tears.
every time she said 'i love you',
she hated herself more and more for
l y i n g.

i would die for you,
but you wouldn't even notice
until i was six feet under.

if you ever find happiness,
never let it go;
because most people,
like me,
may never even catch a glimpse of it
without the help of a little pill.

she threw the necklace
you bought her
out of her window
as she drove
past the all familiar
waterfall she parked
next to,
contemplating driving off.

- she didn’t die there, you did.

you never really
cared for
the things that
she enjoyed.
you would rather
see the woman
you ‘loved’
suffer from false
amusements
than be
happy.

- she still isn’t happy and you’re gone