i know i was all that you wanted,
but i'm not what you need.
all i do is cause pain,
all i do is drag heartbreak with me wherever i go.
i blocked you and removed you from everything,
because truthfully i can't bare to see you anymore.
looking at you reminds me of everything i've ever done, not just the pain i've brought onto you, but everything.
i left you because i want you to move on.
i want you to forget about me.
i want you to let me go.
i want you to know that i will always remember you.
we were always meant to end up right here,
saying goodbye.

there was always something special about you,
there was always something special about every single night i spent with you.
you were the only one that let me feel every emotion to ever exist,
the only one that took me to places i'd never been before.
we had a genuine connection,
emotional and
physical.
but then you slipped away,
and i didn't even fight it:
because i know we're better off this way.

somehow you're everywhere but nowhere at the same exact time.
i'm always thinking about you in everything that i see.
i'm always thinking about you whenever my phone vibrates,
because i'm hoping that it's you.
but it never is.
you promised me you would be here for me,
but you're not.
you said you never wanted to hurt me,
but you did.
you wanted me to keep the memories of you and look back at them with a fondness only love could conjure.
instead, the memories of you sent me to a tiny room with a couch, a desk, and one person with a medical degree.
instead, the memories of you sent me into a darker state than i was in before.
instead, the memories of you gave me a one way ticket to pillsville.
your imprint wasn't one i would like to remember,
it's one that i want to burn.

out of everyone that i've ever crossed paths with,
you're my favorite.
while we only spent a short time together,
you left me with more emotions than i could ever imagine.
we were never official,
but we didn't need to be.
you gave me hope.
the hope that you gave was all that mattered to me.
you made me feel something more than just a little crush,
but just like everyone else,
you left.
you left me with more heartbreak than i thought you were capable of.
but i can't blame you,
i would leave me too.
you didn't believe me,
and i'll never know why.
was my mental health too much for you?
was i not what you wanted?
was i not enough for you?
but again, i don't blame you,
i still care about you,
and i wish you nothing but happiness in all of your passions.

- 4 july 2019

everyday she spent loving you,
she lost a little bit of herself.
every time that she said your name,
a piece of her heart broke off.
everyday she laid her eyes upon you,
she had to hold back tears.
every time she said 'i love you',
she hated herself more and more for
l y i n g.

i would die for you,
but you wouldn't even notice
until i was six feet under.

if you ever find happiness,
never let it go;
because most people,
like me,
may never even catch a glimpse of it
without the help of a little pill.