I saw you from across the gym and the second my eyes laid on you I knew I was never going to be the same.
Is it possible to fall in love with a stranger, because I think I just did.
Your posture resembled the self-confidence that filled your *****
Your hair a blonde hue that I have never been attracted to before.
How could it be, you already have a piece of me.

I couldn’t take my eyes off of you, you see.
For you were already starting to seep into me.
Maybe it was the idea that I can feel love like this, for someone I don’t even know.
Or maybe it is that I looked into your blue eyes from across the room and felt like I knew you.

My emotions were wired, and my thoughts gambled.
I had to remind myself  how to walk and remember that staring in awe isn’t generally socially acceptable.
I can’t believe I just fell in love with a stranger.

You tossed the basketball with such grace, it sliding off your fingers so effortless. Your shoulders broad and your stamina grounded.
The way you slid across the floor so smoothly chasing after the ball that went perfectly into the net.

When the smile grew on your face as your friend shot the ball, my soul felt warm as I looked into the happiness of yours.
Your teeth, strategically placed by God’s fingers. Resembling how perfect we will all soon be.
I can’t believe this is me.

Falling in love with a stranger, what else is new.
The second I saw you I knew
My confidence was back and I began to come to life again.

So maybe you were an angel sent from God.
Teaching me that I still do have hope.
Showing me that my heart is still in enough pieces to love.
What ever the case and outcome of this, I feel happy.
I feel at peace that maybe, just maybe, someday I will lay eyes on someone and know they will embrace me for the rest of eternity.

I am NOT a size ZERO
My skin is spotted like a dalmatian
angel kisses and acne
My teeth are not pearl white
Chubby feet and lots to love legs.
Muscle is not defined
unmatched clothes cover my body
just a hint of mascara is found on my face.
rarely
My hair is not long and beautiful.
Choppy & Short
fingernails have chipped polish


I am the go to girl.
Not the: go to because she is so drop dead gorgeous girl

But the go to girl "because she knows everyone"

"She can hook me up with him/her" girl.

I will never be a size zero.
My hair may not cover my back and sway while I walk
My teeth are that awkward shade of in between almost looking perfectly white
I don't wear expensive clothes. Let alone match what I do wear.
My skin is far from being as smooth as a "babies ***"
My eyes have wrinkles around them already.
SO...

That does not mean in any way, shape, or form that I do not have a soul.

I have feelings.

My heart can only handle so much.

To the boy who laughed at me in the gym:

I am sorry that I do not have a perfect body that is "eye candy"

To the boy{s} who stole my heart, and then hit on my great friend:

I'm sorry I don't use large words and have an opinion on everything.
I'm sorry I am not a poetry goddess or have the ability to pull off wearing
red lipstick and scarves.

To the boy I hardly know in church:

I will NOT give you my roommates number
after you flirt with me to get it.

To all of the boys who look past me while I am walking next to ANY girl:

I'm sorry, I guess I really am not worth "your time"

&

To the boy, who will hold my hand and heart for the rest of, well {forever}:

Can you hurry up?
I am ready for someone to like that I don't plaster myself in powder
and stiffen my hair with hairspray everyday.
I am ready for you to love me for my thousands of small freckles covering my body.
I hope you can love me, unconditionally...
even though I am curvy.
I know you are out there somewhere.
And if I knew you now I would send you to beat up
all of those boys hurting my feelings.
Or just hearing how much you care for me,
that would help too.

I'll be waiting.
xoxo

The leaves can’t control what trees they grow on.
Shoes don’t choose whose feet they will be covering.
We don’t choose who we fall for.
We can’t control that feeling we get when we glance into someone’s eyes and realize they will soon have a piece of our heart.  

Our brains create emotions that are impossible to stunt or stop.
Rejection after rejection. The same people can still consume our minds, even if
Our common sense knows, it will never be an option.

At times, I want to look my feelings right in the face and say,
“Curse you” why do you allow me to feel this thing called love
When you know deep down this time will be just like all of the other times.

I can’t control the boys who look into the eyes of my friends and instantly the emotions of attraction consume their lives.
I can’t control the boys who are just a little off, and look at me with that feeling.
I can’t control myself falling for someone who looks into my friends soul and makes that connection.

Life is on constant repeat. The sun rises every morning. The seasons changing every few months, every year. Babies being born, and bodies being lowered into the ground.
People falling in love with complete strangers. People leaving other people behind.
It is a reoccurring event, which in my life will never end.

This constant change and betrayal has become so common I am afraid to say it is almost a scheduled event like the Saturday morning cartoons. Always on, always there, every Saturday morning. No matter what.
This change in my life, this constant repeat of life’s hardest moments is becoming so comfortable my heart aches with the thought of it all.

I can’t fathom the thought of every heartache coming from betrayal coming to a stop and having the security blanket of knowing who ever is in my life, and who matters the most will stay.

It is safe to say my heart is becoming an ***** of scar tissue. Clotting the cuts to keep me from bleeding out. This rejection, this betrayal, this feeling of being alone, it must stop soon. I’m not sure how much more I can take.

Little does my brain know, the feelings that I can’t control, the feelings that no one can control, those are the ones who make me bleed out more and more every passing hour.

Sometimes when I see what people have the capability of doing, I wonder if there is anything else besides blood and bones.
Sometimes when I like a boy. He always likes to twitter pate my friends hearts. Sometimes if my friend has no desire, the boys still come crawling, right past me.
This is not just a one time thing. This is a reoccurring event. kind of the like the bickering that goes on at my house during the weekends.
Sometimes it gets sad.
Sometimes when I open my heart and my love flies out like a bird leaving its cage for the first time, something goes wrong. My bird's wings maybe don't work. Maybe there was a killer just waiting to shoot down the newly free creature. Or maybe, my bird just can't handle the pressure and is crippled. Whatever it is like, and it is different in every situation, My heart is become such a raw sore. This is not because of one event. Let me be clear.
This is the build up of heartaches after letdowns and broken wishes.
Sometimes, on chilly nights like these. When I am cuddled up sipping hot coco and eating warm chocolate chip cookies, I just wonder. Why have I let my feelings control me for so long?
Why have I put myself through this? The only solution I can come up with is that all of these times that my feelings are torn apart by these creatures we call MEN, are just preparing me for my infinite love that I will have someday.
Sometimes I smile because I KNOW someday, I will be greatfull for the broken winged heart because I will have never had the chance to meet this future peice of my puzzle.

White traces across the wooden flooring from freshly powdered feet. Muscles stretching to their maxim capability while the body leaves the ground for just a fraction of a second. Knees bent one moment, then quickly flexed straight with the use of the several small ligaments running down the lower half of the body. Blood is being pumped double time through the bodies most vital *****, and the lungs are contracting and expanding with such timing. The right side of the brain sends signals to every inch of the body. Dancing is an art form, and it is a way to become one with the your inner soul.
The moments that my arms break through the air and my feet flex using every muscle, those are the moments I feel the most alive.
When my brain is creating emotions, my body wants to reveal them through movement. Toss away the sorrow and embrace the new found love. When my feet leave the ground and then land with such placement and thought, happiness can be expressed. With the exhale and curving of the spine, stories can be told.
My body has not experienced this feeling for months now.  It aches to be set free to express my inner sorrows, thoughts, and worries. My feet are longing to blister with the movements. My spine is weak from the time away. My movements rusty, but still there. Like a world renown pianist dusting off his grand or a child riding her bike on the first day the snow has melted off the sidewalks. I am craving the renewal of my soul and the expression of my body.

The boxes are taped, and crammed in a truck
Floors are bare and naked shelves in sight.
Memories afloat, heart full. But all because it is now their change of luck.
The clouds are dark, and the day is dim.
for the house is ready for someone else to move it.

Their engine comes to a roar, and something inside me doesn't want to feel this anymore.
A new opportunity ahead has moved their couches, chairs and beds.

My family is leaving, but not to far.
Our weekends with make-up, nail polish, and curls,
will be more like a rare star.
I am going to miss snuggling my little girls.

185.3 miles you see,
that is the difference between you and me.

I love you McCarty, Peyton, and Reese.
For Kayla will never EVER be deceased.
your little minds will grow, and memories will fade.
But this I know for sure, you have my life made.

You are so much as a part of my heart, the thought of you gone would really tare me apart.
But the fact that life, is never going to end. I will be here for you, I will not pretend.

Is it possible, can it be?
Could someone really love me?

I glance down and see my lonely hands.
I try to imagine them being intertwined with someone who wants to warm them.
My body aches to be held. But I can't fathom someone embracing me.  
I am at the point, where I feel alone. Down to the inner of my bones.

Is it possible, can it be?
Could someone really love me?

I have adored, and quite possibly obsessed.
But to say that someone has done the same, that would just be a total mess.
I can not comprehend, or even try to pretend the love that couples feel when the meet their eternal best friend.

Is it possible, can it be?
Could someone really love me?

As for now, I don't see how that will ever be.  
When I lay awake at night, and my face becomes damp with tears, I can only ask one thing.
Is it fear?
I am as young as they come, so fresh out of my mothers womb.
But will I be alone when I enter tomb?

Is it possible, can it be?
Could someone really love me?

They day I die, will people feel sorrow for the love that I have never felt.
Will people understand how my heart has longed for someone, since the beginning of time?
As a small child, I always wanted to imagine the day where my wedding wasn't just a play.

Is it possible, can it be?
Could someone really love me?

Metal chains wrapped tight around my most vital *****
my body fighting to survive every time my blood pumps through.
Somehow I wonder who locked me up and swallowed the key.
I hope daily the sharp edges that locked my heart slowly tares
apart the one who fastened the sorrow of my soul.
the new year has begun and within minutes I became paralyzed.
memories flood my brain as I scan what I recall a "uneventful year"
But the dark sky and the numb mind is blocking the heartache I felt just
months ago.
The day he chose her, it was as if the tectonic plates shifted.
Not only were my eyes opened to the blinding meters shower of a new life
but the first link of the heavy chain was placed.
My mind acting as hard drive, storing these memories and moments the metal links wrapped around my life, weighing me down one event after another.
My eyes scanned the lit up parking lot just minutes after the cheers welcoming the new year.
Snow danced softly from the sky.
Each different flake falling as if the angels parted the sky and softly sprinkled the small dot on the map.
This last year, the year I fell in love (twice), my heartbroken and indentations on my soul were made.
The year the world was supposed to end, and I secretly stayed up with anticipation to feel the earth crumble beneath my feet and have my sorrows be erased. It was disappointing when my eyes fluttered open the day after the "end of the world".  But I felt butterflies in my chest when I realized I had the opportunity to turn things around.
The weight of the sorrow and pain that is drowning me
will be used as the strength to pull me to shore.
This new year will be the year I break free from the chains and build a fence, protecting my heart and letting only those I value through the gates .
This year I will be the one who unlocks those who suffer the weight of a trapped up soul.
I will carve the key to free them from the stones that are thrown.