Our plans for a baby still have me begging baby please stay with me, we can fix this. But we both knew our love was twisted.
I poisoned us Klon after ****, and my subconscious mind knew I was a ticking time bomb.
But I couldn't abandon our intertwined love for the world, people and adventure and I knew you were my thirst quencher.
And at the time I knew your irresistible wide smile was keeping me alive so I wrapped around you like a morning glory and suffocated both of us until we were dead inside.
And at our darkest times when we were only existing and not living I still felt the flame for you when we started kissing.
You would light me like a match when you moaned in my ear and the flame would last until you came, then suddenly go out and we would both be like deer in headlights, not knowing which way to take our relationship it would be day to day where you wanted to go and I wanted to stay, and visa versa but I knew I was the one to blame.
But month after month I would blame the pills I was poppin' as I popped  them. And I could see your hope in our relationship die as I chased my pills with ***** and ***** with ***. And baby I don't blame you, you knew you had to run. Because you realized the ticking time bombs and the count down was almost done.
I shattered your heart as I shattered the bottles. And now I can't even look you in the eye because I realize all the times I made you cry.
And my hope for a baby still has me begging baby please come back to me.

**** I'm so mad because I hurt myself again, I knew this was bad but I ignore my own warning
And **** near drowned myself in the potential of a ******* relationship.
What the **** is wrong with my head it's a repeated cycle of knowing the negative results and holding my hand over the fire one last time because I desire the burning feeling and the urge to pull away, but I stay because the adrenaline and pain is like my ****** and I can't get off until I'm forced away or I've reached my limit.
But part of the problem is I don't recognize limits so how can I push them if I've never recognized them.
I cannot grasp the concept of a limit because the ultimate limit is death and limits are set so it's just a imaginary figure to show strength.
And I wish I could just be like **** it and leave it in the past but I got too much anxiety for that I always think back and maybe if I would have held my hand a little closer to the fire and burned a little longer  the outcome would be a little different and our bond a lot stronger.
And if I wouldn't have smiled with the tears you would think the sadness was genuine, but I can't help it. I smile with the fear of not having the approval of the most important ***** in my life.  
I beat myself up every ******* day over the fact that I can never say that I made my parents proud.
Why the **** was I born, to stray away from the norm and find the most difficult way to set up my brain ?
It so ******* frustrating when I try to explain how I feel because my thought process makes my feelings indescribable.
And I have strong urges to throw myself into the fire and melt away because I know my limits are endless and when I escape my body I vanish into the unknown and that's what's I understand.