You sit in your chair, crazy lenses on your eyes
As you perfect your perfect human disguise,
Poking and prodding inside of my skull
With ice picks and drills, never anything dull.
My jaw is locked, and my tongue is now tied.
“This won’t hurt a bit,” you tell me. You lied.
I lay here, strapped down, for what feels like hours,
As your assistant sits in the corner and glowers,
And you slip me some music as if it’s all okay
As blood rushes and gushes out, clear as day.
The buzzing and shaking is all just too much,
And I can’t stop my body from quaking at your touch.
Quaking in fear that this will go horribly wrong,
For I have already been trapped here far too long.
A smile grows on your face as my heartbeat quickens,
And you laugh as it gets louder, and as my body stiffens.
Finally, days later, I’m released from your experiment,
Only to find out, in six months, I’ll be back again.

The ever-present longing
To do it all is creeping back;
The need
     for
        experience.
Invincibility finding a home
In the entirety of my mind.
The desire to
         feel
            everything;
To allow it to fill the lungs;
To engulf a
   mere
      existence.
The yearning to see the world
In the brightest of colors
For exactly
  what
    it
      is,
And even more significantly,
What
  it
    is
      not.
The surface won’t serve to suffice;

To quell this undying urge
To feel;
         To see;
                  To inhale;
     To exhale;
                  To become;
                                 To detach;
To feel the heart furiously beating,
And pumping the world through the body.
Invincible.
      Existing.
            Engulfed in
                  Experience…

His mouth spews shallow stories.
Facts and figures roll off his tongue;
The fact that he reigns in all his glory,
And the figures he makes in the business he runs.

His pockets weigh him down
As people offer to lighten his load on the street.
He turns a blind eye, and continues through town
While they lack clothes on their back and shoes on their feet.

Arrogance radiates from his very being,
And his eyes inspect those below himself.
But they view the world from a point he’s not seeing,
So he turns the other cheek to their cries for help.
He has his suit pressed, his sleeves rolled,
And the perpetual bottle in hand.
He feels no emotion, no matter what he’s told,
As he goes on with his perfect life, head in the sand.

Feet striking the stone,
Hauling this cross on my back.
Wounds from the chains
That once whipped not too long ago.
And I carry not just the cross,
But the weight of my world.
and not just my world, but yours.

Thorns dig into my head,
Ripping my flesh.
The clouds roll in.
Rain pounds the world one drop at a time.
My feet slip atop the mud.

The forest in the distance;
The only sign of life
In this desolate, abandoned town…
So far away.
This journey is utterly bootless.

Suffering for my sins and yours,
The knife in my side is proof.
I saw in my mind, the altar;
The pedestal once revered.
And now, as I trod to my demise,
All I can envision is my crucifixion
As just another story in your book.

Searching for one thing,
I sometimes find another.
Like the time…
The time I searched for freedom;
Freedom from my chains
That hold me down to the ocean floor.

Water filled my lungs.
Salty water burned my eyes.
I cold not breathe, and the darkness;
It began to cloud my vision;
To envelop me; To swallow me whole.
I could no longer see.
Everything gone. I was numb.

I never found freedom.
No, but I fount comfort;
Comfort in the darkness;
Comfort in the truth.
I found comfort in the reality.
This harsh reality that has consumed my mind,
And the harsh reality
That I am my chains.

Every night since life began,
I have been lulled to sleep;
Lulled by your deafening whisper;
Rocked by your protecting arms.

You have to think more.
You have to do more.
You have to be more.

You tell me to do my best.
“That’s all I ask,” you say.
“It’s not much,” you say.
“I’ll never be disappointed,” you say.

But what happens when my best
Doesn’t measure up?
When I don’t come out on top?
When things don’t go
According to your master plan?

You tell me to do my best,
But you’re really saying,
“Do my best.”

Have I lost myself in your standards?
Have I become less like me,
And consumed in you?

No. I do not strive to do your best.
I do not strive to be the best.
I do not even seek my own best.
I simply seek to know the beauty
Of what is beyond be.

Now I am lulled to sleep
By the crunching of leaves,
And the snapping of twigs.

I am cradled in the raw power
Of the ocean tide,
Controlled by the moon,
Far beyond my reach
And far beyond
My mortal comprehension.

Darkness calls my name again.
This artificial happiness fades fast.
It seems as though darkness is my only loyal friend;
The only relationship I have that will last.

These monsters lurk in every corner of my mind
As I search for the meaning in this game that we call life,
And it seems to me that I will never find
A possible way to end this strife.

I can see the stars glitter in the black sky,
But they’re out of my reach; Light years away.
And as these monsters haunt me, I can’t help but wonder why
They have taken up residence in my mind to stay.

Darkness calls my name again.
This artificial happiness fades fast.
It seems as though darkness is my only loyal friend;
The only relationship I have that will last.

Leaves rustle and branches quiver,
As the breeze of uncertainty
Runs through the air like a river;
Shaking and quaking the tall oak tree.
The bark is covered with cracks
And freckled with notches,
Much like the skin of the wise and the old,
Even though the tree is lacking in age,
For only eighteen times
Have the leaves fallen in the cold.
And even though we know the leaves will always fall,
They will certainly return in the spring.
The tree lives its life answering nature’s call,
Being a source of life for every living thing.

You, you’re just a picture
Taking up space on my wall.
Your color and brilliance is fading.
You’re not an original after all.
And I can’t say I’m surprised
Cause all your talk is so cheap
Portraying this image of lies
That benefit you like you’re looking to reap.

Cause that’s all you are to me.
Just a picture on my wall,
And that’s all you’ll ever be to me.
Just a picture. That’s all.

You, you’re just a picture
With no soul, and you can’t understand
That you were made by hands so bitter
And you dragged me out with you to no man’s land.
Well, I’m back and you hang on my wall now,
Cause it’s all you know to do.
And maybe you’ll figure out your life somehow,
And maybe I’m just a picture to you.

Cause that’s all you are to me.
Just a picture on my wall,
And that’s all you’ll ever be to me.
Just a picture. That’s all.

You lived your life in vain,
Hiding all your pain from the world.
You pushed everyone away,
And now you’re on your own.

You are the smell of the decaying leaves;
The leaves I long for when life is in bloom.
You are the soft thud of the door
As I slip out, unnoticed.
You are the breath I take, emerging from the frigid ocean,
And the light I illuminate upon my arrival home on the blackest of nights.

You are not, however the electricity,
Or lack thereof when the power surges in the midst of an essay.
You may be pleased to know that you are not that song
Overplayed on the radio that never fails to irk me.
You are also not the piu right before the mezzo forte,
For that is me. I am the piu preceding the mezzo forte.

I am the spare tire on the underside of your car,
And I am also the F sharp to the B natural, a few cents flat.
It may not surprise you that I am the negative sign you forgot to distribute,
And the feeling of snow seeping in through your boots.

You are not the feeling of snow seeping in a pair of boots.
You would like to know that you are the smell of a sharpie,
Uncapped for the first time, and you are the excitement of using it first.
You are even the taste of catching the first snowflake of the winter,
And eating the first s’more of the summer.
You are the chap stick, found in the pocket of the pants in the hamper,
Or perhaps even the twenty dollar bill in the other.

But I am the learner’s permit that went through the wash.
I am also the candle whose wick is drowned in its own wax.
I am not, however the smell of the decaying leaves.
You are the smell of the decaying leaves.
You will now and forever be the smell of the decaying leaves;
The leaves I long for when life is in bloom.

After nearly 10 years
Of failing to acknowledge
Each other’s existence,
We are brought together
In the confines of four walls
That no longer stand;

In a group that has been
Eternally disbanded.
Our passions grew,
And continue to do so,
Like a tsunami, just before it crashes.

Our passions, a double helix
Of melody and harmony
Continued to intertwine
For nearly two years;
730 days, until my simple words
Dismantled the pleading silence,
And our passions unraveled.

The tsunami crashed.
I fell. Our passions became one,
Though paradoxically, it was
Completely impossible.
At that moment, a ship set sail
To a destination unknown,

And the raw power
Of the uncertainty is what
Keeps hope alive.

You ask me what I’m thinking about,
And I would like to give you
A witty and complex and beautiful reply
About how I see you
In the millions of stars in the sky;
How I smell you with every inhale-
Your menthol cigarettes,
And the faint aroma of a wood fire,
Burning and crackling,
Filling my lungs with the thick smoke
That clings to my skin.
Just the same way
That you hold me in your arms;
About how I crave your touch
As intensely as I crave the summer
In the dead of a frigid winter,
Yet I lay there next to you
With a smile on my face,
And a million thoughts racing through my mind,
And all that I can fathom to say is,
“You.”

your eyes shine
bright like the stars
freckling the night sky
illuminating the blackness

your soul radiates
golden like the sun
awakening life everywhere
its rays emanate
caressing the rugged terrain of the earth
bringing the warmth
and the light that you are
to those around you

if your soul is the sun
then mine must be the moon
glowing solely through
the splendor of the
scintillating sun that you are
a beacon of light
guiding a lost soul home

I could be a morning person
If I could wake up with you everyday.
And if I had the choice,
In your arms is where I’d like to stay.

Cause when I hold you close,
Your heart’s in sync with mine.
You’re the one that I want the most.
You steal my breath with the way you shine.

I could be a brilliant artist
If I could stare at your face for hours.
And if my life was a garden,
You’d be my favorite flower.

Cause when I hold you close,
Your heart’s in sync with mine.
You’re the one that I want the most.
You steal my breath with the way you shine.

I miss the sound of your voice,
And how you used to sleep our time away.
I miss not having a choice,
And I reminisce on the days that I didn’t have a say.
I fondly look back on your time with me,
And I thank you for all you’ve done.
It’s such a shame that I can finally see
That it’s not my fault that you took off on a run.
I miss your blue judgmental eyes,
And I miss crying myself to sleep,
Because I’d go to my room and realize
That I was in far too deep.
But you called yourself dad, and that’s what you are.
We don’t just share DNA.
We share such a bond, like when you almost crashed the car,
And I’ve loved you more and more since that day.

It’s four in the morning, and I can’t sleep.
I’m tossing and turning in the ocean so deep.
And before I know it, the sun begins to rise
Over the horizon, blinding my eyes.
Time to wake up and start the day,
And finish my work so I can play.
I’ll drink my *** and I’ll do my dance
On the deck of this ship on this vast expanse.
But a storm’s-a-brewin’, and now it’s getting late,
So I’ll save all my work for a later date
And I’ll die in this storm with a smile on my face,
Dancing my way out of this nautical rat race.

When I look into your eyes,
I forget all of the bad things;
The cigarette that burns
Between my fingers
And the embrace that never
Quite reached me in my youth.
I forget who everyone wants me to be,
And I remember who I am
Because that is who you want me to be.

When I look into your eyes,
I remember all of the good things;
The butterflies in my stomach
And the lyrics that resonate in my skull.
Lying next to you, I know
That the sun will shine once more,
And when I wake up next to you,
I will kiss your lips
And look into your eyes
And forget and remember it all once again.

I slowly drift to sleep,
Lulled by the steady beat
Of your heart,
As your calloused hands
Graze my back,
Soothing my aching muscles.
The fleeting feeling;
The simple sensation
Of your skin on mine.

When my name rolls off your tongue,
It steals the air from my lungs.
When I hear that sweet, sweet sound,
I know I want to keep you around.

I want you by my side
For the longest time.
I want to go with you for the ride,
Cause your hand fits perfectly in mine.

Your voice is a symphony
And it makes my heart sing.
Even when we’re worlds apart,
I can still feel your beating heart.

I want you by my side
For the longest time.
I want to go with you for the ride,
Cause your hand fits perfectly in mine.

You’ve swept me off my feet,
Cause darlin’ you’re so sweet.
And I hope that you agree
That you’re right where you belong with me.

I want you by my side
For the longest time.
I want to go with you for the ride,
Cause your hand fits perfectly in mine.

I remember
The first time
When our lips
Met at last,
And we were one.
The light shone
Through you.
And your eyes;
They were different;
Gentle; Unlike the rest.
My hands traced
Your rugged terrain,
Leaving my own marks
As jagged canyons,
And still, the light shone.

You are solid and strong.
You are a rock;
Even more, you are the earth.
You’ve been with me
On my journey
Since day one.
Our mere existences
Are so intertwined.
You are my oldest friend,
And my biggest support,
Keeping me grounded
When it is fight or flight.
You’ve seen my at my worst,
And made the winter frost fade
To see me smile.
It is to you that
I owe everything.
You are my rock;
You are my best friend.

The thunder proclaimed my love to you.
And the lightning displayed it so you could see it too.

My love, stay by my side and hold my hand.
My love, it is just you. I don’t need no other man.
My love, I adore you, and the whole earth knows.
My love, my love for you it just overflows.

When the breeze rolls in, I can feel you in the air.
You know, like thunder and lightning, we make the perfect pair.

My love, stay by my side for the rest of my days.
My love, it is just you. I’ll never return to my old ways.
My love, I adore you and I want you to see.
My love, my love, it ain’t much, but my heart is yours for free.

The sun shines bright in the day for us.
And the moon glows at night for you.
The rain, how it pours, as the lightning shines in your eyes,
As the thunder roars out my love for you
.
My love, stay by my side and I’ll never let you fall.
My love, it is just you. I can feel it in your heart’s call.
My love, I adore you and the way your smile glows.
My love, my love for you just continues to grow.

It takes everything
That I have to let you go
When you’re in my arms.

I like how I feel
When I am with you because
You make me better

Your soul calls to me
And I am drawn to you like
The earth to the sun.

Stars freckle the sky
And your eyes illuminate
With childlike wonder.

In the deafening
Silence, my soul screams for you.
It is only you.

I’m sitting here watching my life fly by before my eyes.
And I watch them living theirs as I fake a smile for you.
I’m rotting away cause of a fear that ain’t mine.
I’m trapped cause I’m wrong in all I say and all I do.

But nothing changes if nothing changes,
And I’ve changed for the best.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
It’s up to you to do the rest.

Now I know that I ain’t trusted ‘round here.
I also know that home is where you’re happy; where your heart is.
Cause in this broken home, we live our lives in fear.
Yeah, but I’m not willing to be a part of it no more.

So I’m stuck in one place and it’s all because of you.
You’re too afraid to trust, too afraid to move out of this place that’s bringing you down.
You’re concerned about your image. Not about your life.
You’re afraid to be wrong. You only care that you’re right, and look where that’s gotten you.

But nothing changes if nothing changes,
And I’ve changed for the best.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
It’s up to you to do the rest.

Take me away
From this worn down place
Cause this sorry excuse for sanity
Is nothing but a disgrace.
Take me away
From this broken town.
There’s nothing left for me here.
Nothing holding me down.

The door is growing larger
As the walls are caving in.
Although I’ve done all my time
And paid for all my sins,
Your green judgemental eyes
Are ripping me to shreds,
And they’re taking me to places
I never wanted to go back to.

But in this house of repression,
We live in the past.
The time under this roof drags,
While outside it moves so fast.
The longer I stay,
The harder it is to breathe.
And I’m counting down the days
Til I can turn my back and leave.

And I lay away in the middle of the night
Cause as long as I’m here, nothing feels right.
Being here in this used up place just brings me down.
It won’t be long until you never see me around.

Cause the door is growing larger
As the walls are caving in.
Although I’ve done all my time
And paid for all my sins,
Your green judgemental eyes
Are ripping me to shreds,
And they’re taking me to places
I never wanted to go back to.

Until there was you,
I never saw the sky or the ocean look so blue.
I once was blind. You opened my eyes. Now I can see.
You make me a better me.
You do this thing to my heart that I can’t explain in a song,
And it kills me that I haven’t seen you in so **** long.
But at least I can hear your voice on the telephone
Cause it reminds me that even though you’re far away, I’m not alone.
You know I’m different when I feel your warm embrace,
And I’m different when I’m looking at your face.
I’m different when I’m gazing in your eyes,
Cause they’re so **** beautiful I could cry.
You calm the storms in my head,
And you ease the pain in my heart.
I miss waking up in your bed,
I miss falling asleep in your arms.
Cause when you hold me tight
I know every little thing’s a gonna be alright.
Everything will be just fine…Cause you’re mine.
And I am yours. You’re all I’ve ever wanted and more.
I know I’m rewriting old cliches,
But I’m no good at thinking of a marvelous way to say…
I’m in love with you.

There’s a raging storm
In this weary mind,
And your arms are the only
Solace I can find.

The thunder bellows,
And the rain pours down,
And lightning strikes
All around.

Your gentle eyes,
They ease my soul
While I let your waves
Swallow me whole.

So I dive into you.
You’re the ocean so deep.
Amd within you I find
That all is at peace.

I’ve never known anyone so warm and inviting,
With arms so safe, and lips so enticing.
Yeah there are places I’d like to be, and things I want to do, but…
I’d rather be with you.

Your arms are a fortress to me,
And your lips swallow me up like the sea,
And there’s no place else I’d rather be…
Cause you are home.

I’ve never known anyone who’s so **** right,
With a voice so true, and eyes so bright.
Yeah, I haven’t met everyone in the world, that’s true, but…
I’d rather be with you.

prosthetic conscience;
product of religion.
no concept of right and wrong.
doing good to get to heaven.
morals and standards
with nothing to back them,
but you’re harsh and judgmental;
so quick to condemn.
but tell me, who died,
and appointed you god?
you wear chains of gold,
a holy facade.
your drive is yourself,
your wallet; your riches,
while there are children starving,
making homes in ditches.
but you live the life
of luxury and privilege,
while you ignore,
and fail to acknowledge
those in hardship;
those in need,
because you’re not fueled by goodness.
you’re fueled by your own greed.

Sometimes it’s easier sleeping
alone. Sleep finds me faster, because
my brain is quiet. Some nights,
your memories of her thicken the air
with every breath you exhale,
making it impossible for me to breathe.

     And I can’t blame you for that.
And I tell myself this over and over
and over and over again. But the static
of a voice that I have never heard
fills my head with the sweet nothings
that she whispered into your ear
long before my time.

     Perhaps letting go of people
is easier for me. All my life I’ve watched
the people I need walk away,
effortlessly. And I wanted to be like that, too.
And I am.

      But now I cannot let go of your
memories of her that choke me, and
the sound of her voice calling out your
name in the dead of the night, and I cannot
fathom the thought of her being with you
in the dreams playing in your head.

Sometimes it’s easier sleeping alone.

I know I said before
That sometimes it’s easier
To sleep alone,
But it isn’t. Sometimes,
I forget the sincerity
In your eyes when you say,
"I love you,"
And I forget the warmth
Of your skin on mine,
And I forget that the only thing
I want is to wake up
The same way I fell asleep:
Next to you.
Because all I can hear
When I sleep alone
Are glasses smashing in my skull,
And all I can remember
Are the thoughts I don’t want to have,
And I’m wrapped up in a coldness
That aches my bones to their very marrow.
And all I need is your voice
To stop the smashing and quell my thoughts,
And your body to keep me warm,
On my coldest, darkest nights,
And your eyes to keep me anchored
To a love that rings true.