Valentine's Day
Was supposed to be
The day of our
First kiss

Finally

One of us was going to
Work up the
Courage
To let ourselves be
Vulnerable

Even for just a minute

The walk to your house was
Unbearable
I couldn't stop shaking
From the nerves
And anxiety

When I finally rounded the corner
And slowly found a way
To quiet the
Shakes

My mouth flew open
And hit the pavement
At the flashing lights
Blue
And
Red

"No. No. No. No. No. No."
I mumbled to myself
Racing
To your front door

I counted the pigs
One
Two
Three
Four

Four cop cars in your
Driveway
On our first
Valentine's Day together
The day of our excepted
Kiss

No.
I thought again
And again
Until I forgot any other
Words even existed

My legs couldn't move
Fast enough
Somehow I was in
Slow motion

By the time I reached your
Front door
I hesitated
Not sure if
"That's my boyfriend!"
Was a good enough excuse
To grant me access
To the crime scene
In your house

On our day...


Before I could decide
To knock
Or not to knock
The door
Flew
Open

And there she was
The girl I never really
Looked at before
In detail

Your sister
In handcuffs

I swear that I could see
Into her soul
With just a glance

I don't think I could
Possibly forget
That moment

It lasted forever

Her eyes sliced into
My heart
In a way no one
Ever had before

I could see it all
Right then
Her sorrow and
Heartache
Poured into my
Soul
Unexpectedly

I couldn't tell you what
The officers looked like
Or even what
Gender they were

I couldn't look away
From her eyes

Crystal blue
Like the shards of
Glass
That cut me open
And ripped me apart



Our first Valentine's Day
Plays over in my mind
On a constant loop

Not because we were supposed to
Kiss
And never did

Not because you didn't even
Bother
To get me a gift

Not because completely I regret
Dating
You in the first place


But because I knew that somehow

Maybe

I could have saved her...


But didn't.

Teased and taunted
Forever haunted
A breath or two
From black to blue

One cut up girl
Against the world
Holes in her chest
Soak up the mess

Her eyes grow cold
Her soul's been sold
She's left shattered
Broken and battered

I called out of work because I didn't feel well
Maybe it was the snuffles
Or the chills


Or maybe..
Maybe it was that thing you do to my stomach
The way it flips over and over again
When you say my name
Or flash a smile


I think back so frequently
Too frequently maybe


Remember when we were laughing on your couch together
Sitting dangerously close to one another
Then your mother came home
And you flew to the other side of the room
I still wonder why
You moved away
From me
So quickly


Were you embarrassed?
Shocked?
Confused?
Did you want
Nothing to do with me?


Had you not realized
How close I was
To holding your hand


I think back

To when you watched the Superbowl at my house
And we snuck out
To the woods
You shared your flask with me
Blackberry brandy

How could I possibly forget?


I remember the way
That you looked at her
And how it slowly cut my heart open
Every
*******
Time


It seems so long ago
That we tried
To build an igloo
In your back yard
And your mother
Called us crazy
And wished she could be

Young like us


But the memory that stands out most
Is when those words left your lips
"I'm just trying to cut
certain people out of my life."

It still stings


I remember every footstep
As I tried to escape
To another room
To another life
Just to let out a few tears

Alone


I can still taste the salty liquid
On my tongue
As you stood above me
Not apologizing
Not saying a word at all
You just stood there and watched me
Slowly
Break
Down


Until I finally had enough strength
To tell you how I really felt
At that exact moment
"Get. The. ****. Out. Of. This. House."
I screamed through the sobs
And you listened

And it still stings


So now
Years. Months. Weeks. Hours. Minutes.
Later
How are you still
Haunting my mind?


I see the horror in your eyes
The monster within

I see the track marks
And what they've done

I see the burnt bridges
And how alone you must be


I miss my best friend
So much that it breaks my heart
From time to time


Because I know
That underneath everything
You really are a great person


I don't know what you are so afraid of
But I can't do this

Anymore


Because now I'm left wondering
If all we have in common
Are
The
Memories

And it still stings


I called out of work today
Maybe
Because I just couldn't handle
The thoughts swirling around
In my mind

Or maybe
Because I don't know
What I mean to you
Anymore

Or maybe
Because I just wanted
A day
To recover
From those nights we spent
Doing things
That I'm still ashamed of

Or maybe
I really was just
Sick today


Sick of you
Sick of breaking
Sick of breathing
Sick to my stomach


I have to admit
My scratchy throat
Swings of nausea
Runny nose
And chattering teeth
Cannot compare to the

Hell

You put me through



But I've never called out of work
For you
Even though

It still stings