Dear Lover,
                  I knew the moment I felt everything. My friend was telling me of her moment, and I was taken back to my moment. My moment where everything  was clear and I felt everything. It was when the orange glow warmed my skin and you showed yourself to me. You showed me when you laid on top of me and hugged me with your lips. I felt it when you showed me your thoughts and I read through them all like a thick novel printed in watermarked tears. I felt it when we saw everything through our haze of ***** and ****, but it was alright because I knew that I had today and it was beautiful.
                    I was excited for the night but you lived in your head and not in your heart. You resided in the dust, eternally wondering if the telephone lines were merely telephone lines or if your parents were trapping you into an infinite existence, making you turn to ash on your yellowed colored couch with the voices telling you to put the gun in your mouth. I felt it when you pulled from me like sweatshirt strings that are too long on one side and vanishing on the other. You pulled me away and cast me aside, under the unused springs for your bed and under the empty plastic bags where your coherent thoughts now lay.
                 I felt it when you taught me what the world was. I felt it as I traveled to you while the sun chased my shadows and the moon welcomed my embrace on the steps of your front door. I felt it. Because it's everything. I felt it when you finally left me, like I always said you would. Because I know you have succumbed to your voices and they have won. I know that you are living, eternally still. A dweller in the dust. And I won't say I miss you because it's everything. I know I will never find you now, because you have disappeared when I have so much to say, but you can't hear me with all the silence rushing in your ears.
Silence that is too loud.
                   It smells like death and sounds like relief because I am free from a silence I never knew was there. I have loved you and have hated you. I have lost you and found you. And now I wish to lose you again, because I am tired. I am tired of feeling everything, and I am tired of everything being clear. I want to be blind again. I want to smoke without wondering if I'll see your reflection in the smoke. I want to drink without wondering if I'll hear your voice residing under my ear. I want to write without wondering if you'll ever read it and feel the same way. I'm tired of wondering. So tired.

Remember even though I didn't give you my password, I still let you consume and destroy me.

A monster and his beauty with her body in a bed of thorns.

boomersooner

                                                 ­         Me

Arms heavy
He cannot move
Lips sewn into the fabric of his skin
Molded straw stab his golden hands
Incantations bleed through his eyes
So the crows flee

Moonlight strips him of his shadows
Hungry wings flap far from his reach
Legs broken
He cannot leap
His ears cannot hear
So his screams are silent

Little souls giggle at his feet
Poking him with frost bitten fingers
Neck broken
He cannot look
So he is stuck imagining rosy cheeks
Imagining sparkly eyes and plump feet

He is a slave to his masters
Eternally still
He is sewn together with orange leaves and chilly nights
Wishing to move

a snake slithers to the tree in question
he becomes a man
tempting the woman covered in poison ivy
touching diseased lips to the inside of his fruits
they die together as their children are beaten

***** yellow teeth smile at the cries
a young girl crosses her legs in hopes of salvation
but she is a woman now
so she must leave herself open
like a lily in heat

repeated melodies sound from that old guitar
an artist stuck in the tip of his career
with a bottle of alcohol and a blunt in his hands
he drinks the whole bottle with malice
and drowns in his deceitful lungs

endless cigarettes flow through a filter
a girl loving the way he looks at her
with a smile and heater their only comfort
the cold breaks through the windows
so he leaves for somewhere warmer
and never returns

Babe, there's something tragic about you
Something so magic about you
Don't you agree?

Babe, there's something lonesome about you
Something so wholesome about you
Get closer to me

No tired sighs, no rolling eyes, no irony
No 'who cares', no vacant stares, no time for me

Honey, you're familiar like my mirror years ago
Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on its sword
Innocence died screaming, honey, ask me I should know
I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door

Babe, there's something wretched about this
Something so precious about this
Where to begin

Babe, there's something broken about
But I might be open about this
Oh what a sin

To the strand a picnic plan for you and me
A rope in hand for your other man to hang from a tree

Honey, you're familiar like my mirror years ago
Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on its sword
Innocence died screaming, honey, ask me I should know
I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door

Honey, you're familiar like my mirror years ago
Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on its sword
Innocence died screaming, honey, ask me I should know
I slithered here from Eden just to hide outside your door

today my fortune said
"romance and travel go together now"
i think i believe it

i like to buy things
because then they are mine
always
can i buy you?

Dear Lover,

                    I am holding my heart in my hand, so I have decided to show it to you. Show you every pump, line, and hole. It is dark in some places but I don't think you mind. You are a lover of phrases, and a lover of my soul. I never thought I'd feel this way. You were the exact opposite of what my heart usually throbbed for. I found my nose in a permanent scrunch, kind of like the lines between your eyebrows. Ugly, stressed strings of life that pulled your face down into a constant state of negativity. I imagined you making love to me in a submissive manner and my nose almost fell off. When you kissed me that first time, I knew that there was nothing between us because you didn't even know how to kiss. I was in a state of disappointment 99% of the time because you were the exact opposite of who I wanted. My mouth betrayed me by laughing at you the other 1% of the time.
                   But that 1% quietly sneaked through every beat of my heart. It wove into the blood pumping into my lungs that helped me to breathe. I realized you were funnier than you had let on. I saw that your eyes changed during the day for I had only seen you at night. They were an endless clique ocean. Sharp and frosty, giving me a chill when you smiled at me. The one percent grew, stretching across my body until I could no longer breathe when you weren't around. I imagined you loving me and I had to sit down. When you kissed me, I knew you had been lying because my heart thumped, thumped, thumped and I was in awe, glad we were tangled together because I feared I'd vanish into your lips.
                     It hit me as you kissed me by the orange glow of the heater. So much that I had to pull away and gasp. Because I realized that I could breathe again after pulling you into my arms. It hit me when you took one of my cigarettes and smoked it whole. It hit me when you told me my eyes were beautiful and I saw your reflection in them. It hit me as you glowed like a god and I saw what beauty was. It hit me when you held me down and touched me as if I've never been touched.
                    Because I hadn't been. Before you. Dearest lover, I cannot say enough words to speak for my heart. All I can say is that I am in love with you. I am in love with the smell of alcohol on your breath because I know you will want to kiss me.The only time you yearn for my soft kisses. I am in love with the way you laugh when I say something funny. When you say those three words, I feel my ****** surfacing when it's been at bay my whole life and I am in love with you. I am in love with you even though you are crazy as ****.
                    I want to be one of the voices you hear. I want them to tell you to love me so I won't be so insecure all the time and that you think I'm ugly. I want my voice to fill your head until I am the reason you go crazy. It's ****** up, I know. And I lied when I said that I would fall in love with you if we got married. Because I was in love with you the first time you asked. I was in love with you as I read your writing and I looked for myself in them. I knew I wouldn't be in them but I was still searching, searching, searching. Seeking myself in your beautiful words and lovely phrases.
                   You see the world under a colored glass mirror and I am in love with you. I am in love with every piece of fabrication that is you. It's a scary thing, how much I love you. I know you do not love me too. So I write this letter, knowing you can read it which scares me the most. Because my feelings are scary and I know you will leave like the rest of them. But I am in love with you.
                    So, stay in the glow of the orange light so that I may memorize this sight. When I am crying, I will be able to think back and remember the night that you were a god, and I a goddess. Back to the night when I felt beautiful.
                     And I am in love with you.

                                                      With facetious chagrin, Me.

Dear Me,

The magic of holding your heart in your hand has me afraid of its power. What has given you this ability? Because I want to find it, and give it a light knock on the head so it will reconsider a gift to you that would seem great, but only endanger you.

Looking around my desk where I read your letter, I see the signs of a troubled man. Could you feel my trouble when you came down to my community and saw its signs as well? By driving down, you set a record for yourself, and you set a record for me--because I am racing at breakneck speed to love you.

But I am not fast enough, nor wise enough, to love you. I can only arrange you in your communist jacket like a Christian student still life. I can only blow into your mouth and hope you feel my lungs, half-collapsed filters for cigarette smoke and vapor. I can walk beside you, but I cannot live inside because I am restless and unchoosing.

You will get me. Put your heart back inside and ******* a kiss until we untangle the world around us. Then at the center, I hope we remain, hearts thumping healthy again.

Remember, even though you let me in I still don't know your password.

Lover

Lovers long for the moment their souls may touch in a whisper

If you look closely my eyes are closed
My heart is pounding, I am pretending
His hand is calloused and rough, touching milky white skin
Like cream colored coffee
Rippling
Rippling
It’s all wrong yet I don’t scream
I scream inside where no one can hear me
Everybody in the house is asleep, no one moves
Not even a mouse
Except him, and me
He finishes and leaves
Not bothering to fix my shirt
I want to fix it
But I am asleep

i wear it in the morning
to smell him from last night
i wear it in the evening
until the night has shed it's light
i wear it in my sleep
so it's like he's next to me
i wear it in my dreams
so i forget he tossed me in the sea

I have touched his every circle, line, and rectangle
I have kissed every messy hair tangle
I have caressed every piece of flesh hidden
I have pressed my lips against his forbidden

I have succumbed to his open mouth kisses
I have submitted when his smug smile misses
I have stroked his throbbing member
I have promised him my month of December

I have gazed at a god in my eyes
I have seen past his everyday lies
I have loved his ****** up chest
I have seen him at his best

I have seen him at his worst
I have also been the one to love him first
I have watched him drink to leave from me
I have finally set his cold heart free

orange colored cones agree with the end of my cigarettes
the smoke follows my gaze to concrete seats
and reflections of pink of blue

***** stores bring a red tint to my cheeks
as my cigarette takes me further down the street
down to where closed mouthed kisses were accepted

golden colored liquid seeps down my throat
as i try to stay in the lane i once drove down
when the movies didn't make me remember

lights stab my eyes as i stumble to my goal
green walls with melting glass and unbreakable necklaces
stimulating my senses with the smell of sweet absence

you were everywhere
now you are nowhere

hopeless from the beginning
i couldn't find you
glass eyes stared back at me
hollow as the howling black moon

improbable from the start
i couldn't reach you
arms wrapped around your waist
you turned away from me in disgust

impossible from the first word
i couldn't leave you
adhesive leaked from your lungs
trapping me in my dimension of desperation

untouchable from that day
i couldn't read you
the stars strung us together with lighters  
killing us together

difficult from the first thought
i couldn't see you
voices clouded your mind in hopes to confuse
to push me away from your arms

hopeless from the end
i couldn't love you
you saw the beast inside me and left
leaving me with nothing but the smell of your cigarettes

All these words to make you see how much you mean to me
All these phrases to make you feel how much I feel for you
All these unsaid sentences to make you realize how much I want you
         Mean complete ****.
so i grabbed onto you and held
trying to diffuse everything i was feeling into your skin
hiding them in every concrete and crumbling part of you
the parallel curved lines that was your smile
and the crinkled part of your elbow that told me your secrets
i told you the voices weren't real
letting you cry hot tears onto my hair
in hopes they'd burn my skin and scar your name
i gazed into your eyes as you laid atop me
holding my arms in the position of passion
your breath smelt of sin and i knew that this was my dream
multi-colored delusions that we shared in the silence of your house
a house that was my escape to you
an excuse to hold you close
i dreamed of you touching my lines, my indented skin
and tell me I was beautiful
but your gaze was hazy so you couldn't see me
your words slurred and collided until your truthful lies came out
and i drank away your sorrows
drove away your rejection
in hopes you'd one day love me
but the trash has been taken out
and i am alone in the shower with the door unlocked
waiting, waiting
for you to knock on the door

I loved you when you opened
as I memorized the frowns caressing your face
the color that painted itself onto my body
reflected off your eyes

I loved you when you closed
only wanting me when your liquid colored eyeglasses
were foggy and the night tricked you
blinding your eyes

I loved you when you fell
the drunken haggardness of you turned me on
and the only one who saw your beauty was me
gazing into your eyes

I loved you when you laughed
talking of things that don't exist in this world
the tears that fell from you dropped into my eyes and I saw your life
I saw hell through your eyes

I loved you when you left
laying in a bed of broken sheets and reflections of orange
illuminated your body and I saw what a god could be
burning fire from your eyes

I loved you when you returned
telling me of all the stories that I've heard before
but I listened because I knew that the voices would tell you to reject me
beneath the reality of your eyes

I loved you when you undressed
selfishly touching, touching, touching everywhere you existed
loving the puzzle pieces that molded you
and loved me once in your eyes

I loved you when I felt
felt every stretch of flesh that you allowed
laughing curls of smoke into each other's mouths
smiling at me through your eyes

I loved you when I drank
drank away the phrases you said to remind me
of our forbidden relationship that would never occur
lying to me but betrayed by your eyes

I loved you when I cried
every heart beat tortured and teased, snickering
letting me know that you knew I was ugly for you
hiding it behind your eyes

I loved you when I left
but the voices told you that you were crazy
and you listened
looking away from my eyes