Oh, if I could. I have so much to tell you. I don't know where to start, really, but I feel like I owe it to you to try. Not really myself, however, for I'm so messed up and perfectly chaotic that I am not you. I don't know how you will get through this, but I know every step of every breath that gets you here. I know what makes you laugh. I know how you sing when you hear a song. I know what makes you question your life. And I know what makes you beg. These are still ours. And I hate that I know this. I hate that I can't tell you, either. Or perhaps I should. Perhaps I should spill everything to you. You would understand I'm sure. You would honestly probably give me better advice than anyone here has even thought; you'd surpass every attempt. But the leaves still fall to the Earth, and so you stay gone. Rip your tongue out now. Or don't. You'd be able to scream with or without it. Spare yourself that, at least. I know I'm avoiding the issue at hand. But I'm afraid you will deplore me for my feeble attempt at maintaining any sort of depiction of dignity. I, in the process of wanting to be everything for everyone, have lost you. I lost you in the once marvelous pursuit of love. I can't even form my thoughts in eloquent words, ones you find easy; everything is just too much. The incessant tearing of you from me goes against every change of the seasons, every spoken word. Joys now are conditioned to my sadness, and you are not here to break this. You are not here to hold out my heart to me, a smile oh so sweet, like a gift. Maybe that's why I'm so cold.

But I guess there is still hope for me.
(Though all I have left of you is the worst part.)
I still love him like you.

I take a step away
And see a look-alike of
Her
Next to a pseudo-Usher.

Thrown backwards
With leaves flying to their dying branches.

And I,
Born to be whatever anyone ever needed,
Could not lose myself in her.

I take a marble path to where we met
Underneath the ebony pressure and blowing mini lives
And think of every single thing
That ever chanced to grace your lips
And I walk and I walk and we walk to the bench
Where we aimed at those deaths
How they laughed at our kiss
Trilled down the fragrant spools
Of blurb stained cotton
You and me forever being
Good at bad ideas
Dark stories flying through the pane
Teasing me and never to be seen again
So take take take me to where we met
And where a single moment was greater than this
And even brighter than this
Swirled veins of redundant horrific prayers
Get me out of myself
to infinite
Yes darker than the 'byss
Please believe me
I never wanted this
And never could again
And here I am ready to jump
Into the magnificent song of yours
The gates creak for want of you.

My breaths hum a tune
that shouts in my mind
never quite finishing or
even singing in the correct order
just "I loved you in the best…"
being thrown into my chest
over and over
until nothing is comparable

It’s all streaked wood
hinge-less doors and cement windows
fear of thick air
a hidden black hole in my lungs
that I woke to see
leaving the transcendental dark
of swirling whats-its and loopy love
“…I loved you in the best…”


I climb into the scene
of a worn out love story
and **** **** up
make it real, brilliant veracity
stuffed ears
baby blanket
cant listen
wont.

“… way possible…”