I reach for your curls as you smile at me,
(I want to feel their smooth softness,
when I twirl them with gentle fingers.)

Your smile grows and searches mine,
(but I'm somehow too far away
for you to catch your lips with mine)

I grasp in the air about the same time
as you bump your mouth to the screen;
(Sadly, none of us can do magic.)

I saw stars in your eyes in the middle of the day,
They made my heart flutter and heated my skin,
So even though you were right when you whispered
“it feels like a dream” with your softest voice
I am glad that I know that everything about us was real.

dear john,

how are you?
[i wonder, 'cause i'm getting
crazier for every second
i feel your heart wrenching absence-
i think of you constantly -
it'd help to know you're all right?]

do you ever think of me?
['cause i don't think you
do so anymore. you stopped
responding to my letters weeks ago,
and i refuse to
believe they got
lost in the mail.

i simply refuse.]

does the sun burn your skin?
[i hope the summer gives you
eczema and scalded cheeks.
i hope it hurts so much you
can't sleep at night from the pain.
then you can use the gained
hours of awake to read to this letter]

dear john,
do you think we should give up on us?
**['cause i think i did months ago.]

Your throat burning with disgust,
as you watch her walking away,

Every step she makes
makes you hurt
more,

as if she wasn't stepping on the ground
but your bleeding heart and burning body.

You don't want to care, really,
don't want to give a ****.

Every attempt to reach
indifference
fails.

She stops, stands and stares;
but she doesn't stare back at you,
though you starve irrevocably
to see the look in her eyes.

She won't show you
                (that she's crying.)

Perhaps everything's
better this way
(you just don't see it yet)

I don’t quite know what to say, to be honest
‘cause I know that words won’t help you,
at least not the ones I can provide;
                 So I remain speechless,
as my fingers tap words eagerly on my keyboard.

It kills me that I can’t help you, really,
‘cause I know what you’re going through;
yet hugging you, as you deserve, wouldn’t help;
                   So I sit here, motionless
though my arms itch to comfort you, I wont.

I'm sorry it has to be like this, I am -
'cause I know you don't really understand;
your kisses belong to my cheeks, not my lips;
                      That's why I keep my distance
( I won't increase your pain; because I care)

That said, I can't finish this without saying
clichés like: “I miss you,” and “I'm sorry.”

I can't write this and say what I want to,
without ruining
        the structure
               or a rhyme-scheme that's non-existent
      
         'Cause that's what I do.
         I break things without intent;
         But I never meant to break your heart.

(I hope, that some day, you'll be able to forgive me, though;
and when you restore the fractures of your broken heart,
I hope you see clearly
        that I was never your heartache worthy.)

I think of you in the same second
as i think of old benches, rain clouds
and French kissing in thunder storms.

I never framed your name with hearts,
or wrote it in pink swirly letters, 'cause
somehow you're worth more than that.

(you always lived in the present,
so that's where you truly belong,
and though you never gave me an
”iloveyou”, I'll give you a chance)

My memories of you and I belong
to silent talks in the middle of the night,
about the way your skin looks pale compared to mine
(and they belong to the sound of
racing heartbeats and sweet sighs.)

They belong to the way you don't need
something as simple as words, to tell me
you care (your eyes told me that secret eternities ago)

There's just something about the way
you can't keep yourself from touching me,
even it's just tickling my shoulder
or tracing my lips with an index finger.

I never understood how you do what you do,
but you make life seem simple and
you make us seem to be
pieces in a perfect puzzle.

I think of you quite a lot, you see,
you've sort of invaded my world
I know I told myself not to get in too deep,

but I never wanted anyone
as badly ever before.

So, please darling,
keep whispering sweet words in my ear,
I don't even care if they're lies anymore,
I just want happiness, (I want you)
and some day, you'll see why.

If I knew how to put a melody to my words,
I’d write you thousands of songs,
Promising that even if the world thinks it’s absurd,
You’re where my heart belongs.

If I could, I would sing the songs to you,
Hidden under the starlit sky and the moon,
Desperately trying to get my message through -
With you everything feels perfectly in tune.

If you asked me to steal a star for you,
I would even if I burned my hands
And of course, you would deserve it, too
‘Cause you give me more than stars in just one glance.

I love you more than I can ever prove.
(But I’ll try anyway)

IV
i face myself as i look into the mirror of ice,
produced by your cold breath freezing my tears.

i can't breathe myself, but at least frozen water
is easier to walk on than blood boiling with passion.

you tell me, that i can't keep balancing on
the shaky concrete you provide me -

that i will drown taking my next step
and you won't keep me over water.

I was never yours to save.




V
i turn my back at you,
though i can't make myself walk.

I'm stuck.




X
i look into his eyes,
and i see everything you weren't.

i don't know if i think he's better
but he's at least better for me,

than the memory of who you used to be.

I try. I do. I really do.





XII
he kisses me,
and you're nothing but a distant voice,

screamingly telling me to watch out,
so i won't drown in another guy's lies.

(but the voice is shaky,
because it knows, it has no right.)

i ignore you.
I try, I really do.




**
I forgot you years ago.
That's what I'd like to think, at least.

the gunshots sound pitilessly
leaving nothing in their aftermath
but his void roar
and the ground,
glowing with the redness
of his dead brother's blood

he's wounded too, but
he does not expect saving
or medical care
(nor does he want it)

i watch him from afar
as he falls;
with his knees on the bombtrodden street
(one that resembles one he once called his home,
but he has no home now,
only blood, and
violence) and
he gives in to death the moment he sees me

[they taught us not to look the enemy in the eye,
but a second before I pull the trigger, I break the
holiest of rules, and I see a soul just as lost as mine]

it's not about the
way you look at me at
three am in the morning
or the fact that
idon'tthinkyouloveme,
('causeiknowyoudo)

it's more the whole
im-not-sure-who-i-am-anymore and
i-need-you-to-tell-me-the-right-answer.

it's that sometimes,
just once in a while
i'd like for you to tell me that
you need me a wee bit
(i know it's against your
i-need-noone-'cause-i-don't-care-about
anyone-more-than-they­-care-about-me philosophy,
but could you, just once in a while,
tell me what i need to hear?)
I know honesty's the best policy
and all that sort of
over-estimated crap

but once in a while
i'd like for you to lie

Let's steal a little piece of forever -

(don't worry love, forever can't be
ripped apart or ruined by human hands,
the way ”i'll love you forever”'s or hearts can)

Just a little piece, enough for you and me
to sense that gasp-developing touch
of experiencing a moment of eternity.

               ~ ~ ~

Let's steal the stars from the sky -

(please, honey, I always wanted a star
that didn't burn my fingers or make me blind
and I've been disappointed too many times)

Steal the brightest star behind the clouds for me,
make it illuminate your beautiful features,
and then make me believe I'm not dreaming.

                ~ ~ ~

Let me steal your upper lip -

(don't be scared darling, it's just because
I fell in love with the tiny silver scar it has
and I've been thinking about it ever since)

At least let me touch it, kiss it, feel it against mine;
let me stare at it, dazzled by the words it forms
and the way your eyes sparkle along with the stolen star.  

~ ~ ~

Let me explain one thing to you -

(you don't have to finish my sentences here,
'cause I don't think you know what I'll say
though you did guess right several times before)

I want to tell you, that I fear I'm getting in too deep;
that they're right when they say you can't steal stars for me,
and that our forever won't exist, because we're an impossible match.

I don't need eternity if you just promise me
that you won't let me drown in heartache in the end.