I’m torn between stupid ideation's and a deluded perception of reality
I walk past where I through my drink at you in the midst of an argument
throwing away my anger at you so I could run up
and embrace, our bodies merging into one
I don’t know where it went wrong.
My thoughts cannot trace the time when you stopped holding my hand
or the last time you looked at me like I was a god and I had created the world for just you and me

But every time I go back I can remember every single moment we had
Where our laughter filled each others hearts and
we’d lie so close together that I swear I never thought we’d come apart
You would whisper in my ear about how you were scared to die
and I’d kiss your wounds and swear I’d always be your best friend no matter what
You told me how you couldn't form your words around other people
besides me, your mouth would run silly your cheeks would burn red as you looked up

I think I let my tongue slip and I planted a kiss on someone else
But my heart keeps telling me it was over before then
That it took longer for me to realise that
just because I was the first girl you had went down on
it didn’t win me first place in your heart
that you were rotting and your bones were becoming hollow
with all of your selfish thoughts poisoning your sight and feeding your ego
I tried to save you, hide you away from the lifestyle
that makes men go bitter before their time
But it never worked your head was so full of girls 100 times better than me
and your eyes were set on every one you could get

In all honesty you have broken me down
I am a desolate building, ready to be torn down and I’m too faulty to step inside
I couldn’t ever sit in front of you again
and not want to rip my skin to shreds and break my bones to mask the pain I feel
when I look at you and what you have become
I didn’t just lose you, I’ve lost my best friend

I remember after you there was another boy,
I remember him turning to me with sadness filling up his eyes and his skin had looked ten times older from fives minutes before that
‘You can be with him if you want, I wont stop you’
his voice broke like a glass falling and shattering into a thousand pieces,
I replied with ‘I don’t like him any more’ and I didn't mean it
People knew what we had and they knew it was a lone planet
filled with beautiful flowers blooming on the trees
but no being could ever step onto it, not even us

I'm sick to my stomach thinking about you and the way you smell
I miss us and it hurts because I love another person
But I will never admit to the unconditional love I feel towards you
I don’t want to give you that.

Your sad, heavy eyes were so ******* raw with disappointment
Pathetic arrogance and the naivety clung to your skin
with each day
Every night you close your eyes and dream about a perfect world
Where everyone is happy and you don’t want to wake
Your immediate family hang heavier than the one you were borne into
Blood cannot make up for the bonds you created with that girls no one likes
You look so tired and so beaten on the bus seat in front of me
Your whole slumped posture screamed ‘I don’t want to be a disappointment’
Those words fell into my mouth and sat in my stomach like a bug
Infecting me with the pathetic unconditional love for you
That I thought I had built a wall between
It’s so hard loving you
When your eyes dig deep into my soul with each look
searching for your happiness
Your voice breaks ‘I wish I could have been a better brother’
Every nerve ending in my body is swearing at me to comfort you
I want write down everything I appreciate you for
Every day I’ve woken up a better person
No one is perfect and you found this out
Growing up in our family
The thought of losing you somehow
Makes my bones fracture and my muscles weaken
My mouth runs dry and my tears well up so heavy behind my eyes
I want to sit there and hold you and kiss your scars and
make all the bad things and all the responsibility go away
But instead of this for a split second
I catch my bearings, weakness is bad blood or no blood
‘You’re not’ I reply and I bite my tongue

hat am I doing?
I keep touching my mouth
Remembering where you used to press yours against mine
But my fingers are poisoned with pills I couldn’t tell you about
They burn my skin and wash the sadness away from my body
In ugly currents that blotch my skin and send me red raw
From scratching with those nails you used to hate
But loved when we were *******
I’m so scared I’ll speak to you
I can’t control my hands anymore, they get shakier every day
To the point where I think of you running through my veins
I can’t hold my cup anymore
I wont ruin your life again
If theres one thing I’m good at
Its chasing people away like they were cats on your windowsill
They cry and fight to be let in
But my windows are so locked tight
Cold to touch that no one can look through them
I’ve convinced myself that this is for me
But I’m so sad
How could anyone let themselves think like this on purpose
Unless it was for someone that deserved to wake in the morning
I hope you wake up one day
And you forget my name.

I would have been our one year anniversary today.
A whole year with a perfect person. You made my ribs burst with pride as we walked down the streets together, you held my hand so tightly, your love burned through my skin. I’m so lost in this ocean of ******* stars. I thought they’d be so bright and so alive and now I’m here I can barely make out any light from the remains of the broken dreams from those before us. The stars burnt out long ago, did you know that? The vessels we worshipped and wished upon gave up on us billions of years ago. We had no chance. No one ever has a chance and its not fair, it's like getting your favourite ice cream from one of those awful trucks and dropping it on the floor. Its as good as dead, we can’t control what happens to us. Why can’t I accept that? Whoever made me, wrote into my cells that I’d be a **** up. I’m programmed this way and I need accept that. I can’t. I keep thinking I’m worth loving but I get knocked down by the sight of your name. I don’t want anyone else, I want you and I can’t have you. I’m sorry you don’t understand but I’m trying my best to make you happy. I keep smelling you for gods sake. I can’t get you out of my head and especially when I stand on the side of my bed. The many times you I sat on your knee and we kissed, little fairy kisses tingling on our lips. The red lights from the fairy lights around my door creating some kind of colour that was special and only for us. I miss those lights, they don’t shine specially any more and its sad. I still have your jumper draped over the back of my door, I keep imagining our love dripping off of it. Drop by drop you’re realising you can do better and you can live happier without me. You are so naive and ignorant and I just want you to be okay. You need to move on without me like everyone else. I’m going days without speaking to you, one word to you and the hope for ‘us’ will bloom again. I can’t let that happen.
I love you, but I wish I’d never introduced myself that day.

How am I meant to live my life with meaning
If a spec of mud on the floor of my kitchen is my equal
Matter is neither created or destroyed
Everything is just a evolution of something once before it
I don’t get it
Why could I not have been born into hundreds of beautiful flowers in spring
Instead of something that hates its own kind
We learn that we should have dreams, have aspirations for our older years
What good would it do?
As I grew older I’ve grown into realising
I’m not special
You say ‘we should be together forever’
Why is that significant?
‘I love you, stay with me’ is some pathetic cry
for finding something worth holding on to in life
I can barely hold on as it is
I can’t do it
The quicker you realise that world war 2
Will not matter nor will it affect anyone in 200 years
The quicker you should realise
Neither will you

I am the epitome of wasted nights and empty dreams
The types you wake up from one day and wish that
You were anywhere else but by yourself on your bed
I keep drooling and rolling around my bed
My mind of pooling out of my brains
Leaking into materials that can’t speak back to me
I keep having so much trouble sleeping
Its like my thoughts are confined to the rectangle of my bed
The lines won't let me out and I can’t open my eyes
To the feelings I should feel
I am diluted
I can’t breathe when I speak to you
Yet I don’t think of you outside of when I see you
I know I love you only by how nervous I feel when
We look for each other in the crowded rooms and
I see you already staring
But even then
It’s like the feelings just a sprinkle on the cake
I should be eating the cake, gorging myself
On the sweetness on your lips and smothering myself
In your touch, with those hands I love so much
But I can only seem to allow myself the ******* sprinkle.
I woke up and I couldn't feel
Instead of wanting to rush and jump naked into the ocean
I could barely make it to the sand grains that start a mile
Away from the beach

I’ve sat here for hours thinking of the reasons why I love you and there is so many just like ours nights we spend together when are legs are locked with each others keeps me going
cooking your breakfast and seeing your smile in the morning makes everything on this planet worth it I know you don’t like how you look of a morning but I swear its the most raw beautiful thing I could wake up to especially when you eyes are sleepy and your voice is deeper than ocean we’ve never swam in together
When we were apart I thought about you everyday and my stomach tied itself in knots when I thought about you kissing my head or the way you look at me when you think I don’t notice you I see you everyday in a light that reflect off of nothing but yourself and its like your presence is godly in the eyes of someone who doesn’t believe in such things
I look at you and so many words want to gush out of my mouth like the salty water that people can’t swallow thats when I realise there isn’t enough meaning in twenty six letters to tell you how much I cherish you sometimes when we kiss I wish your lips could leave lasting imprints on mine so I know when I get bad that you exist and you are there for me as I am there for you
I’ve always been sceptical about this idea of ‘home’ but now I think that I was never able to find it because I was never looking in the right places I hated the thought of being uprooted and planted somewhere strange but when you’re beside me I can see the foundations of a future being built and I know thats where I want my home to be wherever you are
If I could I’d nestle myself in your bones and I’d stitch our hands together so we could always be touching and I would break my bones just to prove to you that I am here to stay with you
other boys don't compare in the way I want to hold you when I’m sad I don’t want to speak I just want to sit with you and think about how lucky I am to have someone who appreciates every day as it comes you’re so refreshing and I love that you love me