Can we exist perfectly
in this moment together?
Will I open myself,
close my eyes,
let my senses guide?
Do my lips form perfect spaces
for you to fit inside?
Can we belong to this place
where there is no hope
and no wish
and no pray
and no dream
this place where there is only
do
and there is only now
and only
breaths
and beats?
"what do you feel?"
you ask.
a question
that is my
answer.

"If
you run your fingers
down my back
like that
I won't say no.
So, if no is what you
want,
then stop,"
I say
as you bite into
your peach,
red sticky sweet
drips down your
hand,
Your swamp eyes
shine.
"How can peaches
be that red?"
I fumble
as you press
your lips
to my neck,
shoulders,
soft of my stomach.
I bite my lip
to stop the noise
as the room
fills with peaches.

Without you,
I have to face myself,
spend time
alone
with myself.  

I don’t let my head
fill with visions of us
making love.

I don’t let my mind
wander to a porch
where we
drink wine,
smoke American Spirits,
make music.  

I don’t daydream
about our future condo—
your music room which showcases your guitars
your records
or my study which overlooks the herb garden
smells of old, coffee-stained books.

I
sit down with my past and future
drink expensive draft beer,
have political discussions.  

Except I am terrifying.  
My face is half ripped off
and I reek of decaying flesh

I didn’t cry at your wake.
Your lips were painted bright pink
to match your casket
which I called a coffin
and mom
told me those were what
vampires
slept in and
you were an angel
so
it was a casket.

I held your cold hand that day
and half expected you to smile at me
when mom said it looked like you were smiling
probably
because you were in heaven.

And everyone kept saying
you were in a better place
but
I looked and couldn’t find you
anywhere.

And a cousin—
the annoying one who I’d
never met before--
said
Let’s go look at the pretty lady
and I said
She’s dead, stupid.

And then the uncle
who couldn’t remember his name
peed in a chair
and I tried to tell mom
but she just stared at the wall.

And when they lowered your body
into the hole in the ground
I thought
Surely I’ll cry now
and I even pinched myself
but
I couldn’t.

The in and out flow,
a steady rhythm of life,
is effortless here.

Underneath a tree
on the side of a mountain
with nothing to solve.

Three Hawks soar above
I feel no twinge of fear for
I am one of them.