I guess we will never know
What was said
During those 3am phone calls
You were always too drunk,
I was always too drowsy.

I guess they can be
Our lost conversations
The content kept secret,
Even from ourselves.

I guess if you ever miss me
You can find me,
Somewhere,
In those 3am moments
It's just you and I,
Alone,
In the black night.

I remember the moment
Your eyes met mine in a dream
Those tiny maps
Of unwinding colour
Where I'd lose myself for days

Emerging,
Sure I knew you so deeply
That your soul
Was palpable in my hands
And your thoughts
Were unspoken words on my tongue.

I'd find myself staring
Up
At the stars,
Hear them whispering
Your name
Like a melody too beautiful
For anyone else to hear.

The sound of the roaring ocean
Was the only comfort
I could seek
Without your voice
To charm me with
Empty words of promise,
Desire,
Longing

The crashing waves called
To me,
Enticing.
I could only think of plunging
Deep
Into the blue void
And never returning
Like a doomed explorer
Willing to lose it all
For some unknown beauty

And as the breath
Escaped from my lungs
And the world
From my eyes,
The last thing I'd picture
As the comforting blue
Took hold of me
Would be your eyes,
Bluer than the bliss
Which engulfed me.

And then it became clear:
I was very good at not getting out of my head.
Ever.
Building thoughts
More complex by the second
Until I was lost in the maze in my head.
Unable to escape from the labyrinth of thoughts
And words
And visions of your face.

I couldn't tell you
That you were like the first sharp intake
Of breath,
When the cold winter air
Collides with my tired body

You were a beautiful mess,
A disaster,
A sadness.

I couldn't tell you
That you dragged me out
Of a deep, ragged hole

Then I wake up,
Shivering,
Reminded
And I am right back there

I couldn't tell you
That the curve
Of our bodies,
Your skin on mine,
Electricity,
Was a poisonous medicine

I couldn't tell you
That you had the power
To dissolve my resolve
And have me running
Back

I couldn't tell you
That our contradiction
Was what I needed

I couldn't tell you
That without you
I am free.

I knew
That if I told the stars
To bring you back to me
Enough,
That one day they would

So here we lie again,
Two bodies,
Beautifully entangled,
Forever entwined

And I whisper
As your eyes flutter,
Close to sleep
- Don't let go,
  I love you so.

Someone once told me
To count the night
By the stars,
But I would much rather
Make maps from
The constellations
On your skin.

He has unravelled me.
All that work
Of building myself up,
Tying strings
Around my heart
To stop it from falling apart again,
Sticking back together
The cracks in my lungs,
Has been undone.

Let me rip pages
     out of my world
          and scatter them
                around your life.

My heart
is a map
which always leads me back
to
you.

This is it,
Time to say goodbye.
The last time I'll ever feel everything, nothing,
Something
For you.
And oh, how I'll miss it
But not as much as your eyes
In the morning,
Bleary and confused,
And that smile when you realised
Just how happy I was
Waking up next to you.