Before we met
How many times did we pass by
Each other on the street?
How many times did we
Stop at the same stop light
Or wave the other on in traffic?
How many times had we
Ordered coffee from the same barista
Within minutes of the other?
How often did we ride
The same BART train
Or think the same thing
About a person we walked past
On our way to work?
How many friends did we share
If any at all?
Before we met
Did you ever notice me hailing a cab
Or search my bag for loose change?
Did I ever give you a ***** look
When you laughed grotesquely
With your friends
As my own guild slinked by?
Before we met
Had you ever considered
Renting an apartment in my building?
Did you ever pet my cat on the street
Or lazily glace through my
Living room window as you
Waited for the light to turn green?
Did I ever see you
At the delicatessen
Where I eat my lunch?
Before we met
Had we ever met before?

When a woman is *****
She hides from the cynical eyes.
I went to work
Made idle chitchat
Wrote copays.
Most women avoid ***
And cringe at the thought of *******.
I take part in *** compulsively
Crave male attention
I'm engaged nearly every night.
Some go to meetings
To share their struggles.
I don't want to hear your problems
Do not wish to share my own
I offer no support nor input.
**** victims are fragile
They break fairly easily.
I do not break
Nor do I crack
I just am.
I do not fit the description
Of victim nor survivor.
I question myself daily
Was it ****
Or an overreaction?
Most women cry
They seek comfort
They long for understanding
And justice.
I do not.
Am I a victim too?
A survivor?
Neurotic?
Anyone?

Turns out you were fake
Yeah, I can deal with that
But the thing that really ticks me off
Was that I let you get away
With being a ****, a huge *******
You’re a huge femme
You spent too much time in the gym
When we first met
I could’ve sworn you were into him
You cared more about what they thought
Then how your actions made me feel
You’re kind of a ******
Not even, that’s too kind
You wear body splash
You’re mind is pretty vacant
If you weren’t under your mother’s roof
You’d be another SF vagrant
Now you’re with another girl
I hope she gives bad head
By the way,
Just so you know,
You weren’t that great in bed
(That's right, I faked it)

I'm in your thoughts
I'm in your mind
I'm that little voice inside your head
Go on,
Try and hide
You're not safe
Inside your house
Don't worry, baby boy
I'm quiet
Like a ******' mouse
I'm tricky, tricky
You don't stand a chance
Cause you got the wrong girl mad
I love you
But I loathe you
And **** can get pretty bad

I just feel so frustrated,
I can't focus at work because I'm constantly fixating
on our most recent argument.
I don't feel listened to;
and when I don't believe everything you believe or talk about
I feel judged and criticized by you.
I'm tired of being the mature one.
I'm tired of waiting around.
If you mention threesomes or DMT one more time,
I'm pretty sure I'll go ape **** on everyone.
Am I not allowed to have taboo topics?
Everyone has some subject they don't like talking about
or feel uncomfortable talking about.
Why can't you understand it?
Why do you insist on talking about the very things
I've expressed less than no interest in?
Why do you question everything I say?
Why do you make me explain myself
when what I've already expressed was all I wanted to say on the matter.
We're not going in the same directions.
I don't mind occasionally just sitting around
smoking until I'm too lazy to move...
sometimes.
But it feels like that's all we do anymore.
I need more excitement and spontaneity.
Lately all we do is smoke and ****.
And argue.
I'm sick of arguing.
Mostly because I know you're not listening.
And I'm sick of being ignored.

Clutching to the knife
Clinging for dear life
Holding the handle steadily
At the end, a blade, quite deadly
Sinking the metal into your skin
To relieve the pressures within
Cuts deeper, longer
Slices steeper, stronger
Anger drips unto the ground
Anguish leaves your vocals bound
Tired of this numbing feel
Though the pain of it all is quite real
As the final droplets fall
You find that you have hit a wall
With the final breath you’ll take
Plunge the blade, your body breaks

She is a part of you
She is a part of me
Grass growing
Wind in the trees
She is your succubus
She is my nemesis
She is our sister
She is my strength
My arms and legs are her
She is my femininity
She is my womb
Follows me through
Stages of life
From my birth
To mine tomb
She is God
She is Goddess
She is quizzical
She is a test
Life in her
She is life and death
There is love in her hate
Meaning behind her sin
Take what you can
Of her within
She is my oxygen
She is my poise
She is a river
The red clay on the shore
She will come forevermore
She is my eyes
She rules my hands
Controls the feeling
She is good
She is evil
She is Zeus
She is Devil
My body is her
My hair and lips
My shoulders and neck
She gives to me
She is empathy
She is emotion
She is everything I touch
She is
She is a part of me

I’m wasting my time with you
I’m ******* fed up with this ****
You’re arguments are pathetic
Your mind’s ******* vacant
You’re such a ******* ******
Even I can’t explain it
Your friends are losers
And you defend their *******
You’re driving me crazy
I’m pulling my hair out at root
You make my heart race
And my mind pound with rage
Why can’t you just *******
For once act your own age?
Excuse after excuse
And the “please, I’m so sorry”
It’s getting outrageous
You don’t ******* care
If you ******* cared
You would have called
You would have wrote
You just make anyone
Out to be your scapegoat
And I’m just as bad
I put up with your ****
I shouldn’t have to
But I did just for you
And you took me for granted
And you took me for doubt
All I can say is **** this game
***** you,
I’m out.

*******.
You are nothing.
You are disgusting.
You are pathetic.
Does a woman
Have to be drunk
In order for you
To get laid?
You are a coward.
You are wretched.
You ***** me.
You took advantage
Of a child
Passed out.
Blacked out,
And defenseless.
Because of you,
I cannot trust.
Because of you,
I cannot feel.
Because of you,
I fear every man's
Intentions.
Because of you,
I was *****.
And for that,
I say
"*******!"

Who are you to cast down upon me
This, never-ending list of commands
To force yourself upon me
Devil’s instrument in hand
Wishing to overcome my body
To plunge diseased flesh deep within
Conquering long valued sensibility
And bask amid my unwarranted sin
You may have torn my soul to shreds
And abused my womb and thighs
For my every new depraved low
Is your new fascist high
I’d thought you were not the same
I had been abused before
However never by you
So this is what comrades are for?
I am left weak and used
A plaything for a man’s pleasure
Once for fun, now out with the trash
Is this how my value is measured?
My legs are bruised, my skin is flushed
I’m left a broken mess
I cannot confide in the ones I love
To them, I may not confess
You’ve torn me apart
And left me forbidden
I’ve been handled and fondled
Nearly bedridden
My ears still hear your dark words
My flesh still crawls at your touch
You’ve burned an invisible mark
For which I cannot do much
I hate my skin for your touch
I hate my ears for your voice
I hate my body for your *******
I hate you for not leaving me a choice
To you this is probably a game
You probably thought not of the pain
For now I am deemed damaged goods
And may never be longed for again
This must be kept a secret
‘Less I face even more ridicule
For an act I desired no party in
And yet I am treated still so cruel

I want to tell you
All these secrets inside
I wish to scream them to the heavens
I do not like to hide
A relationship
Where comebacks are all we speak
How can I express to you
This truth that leaves me weak?
We've had so many opportunities
But never spoke a word
Never wrote a note
Never struck a chord
Am I the one to blame?
I built these walls so high
Story after story
Lie after lie after lie
I've only told the truth
When it became an absolute must
I want to let you in
But fear your lack of trust
Now you say you want to know
The things inside my head
Do you really?
I think you don't
I think you'd rather be dead
For you to know what I've become
For you to see what I am
Just another animated statistic
Another young lost lamb
I know you want to be there
To heal the wounds I'll hide
But you cannot handle this world
I've created in my mind
Mother, tell me now
What it is you want to hear
I won't offer this information
The truth is what we fear
The truth is what you fear

A swig from my glass melts my troubles away
Takes away the frustrations of today
What can I say, what can I say?
At least with liquid gold, it's a better day
My boss is a ****, that's what I say
This is a better route, at least for me, anyway
I don't have time to kneel and pray
When liquid gold is an arm's length away
My thirst is not for Ocean Spray
I'm not hungry so what's the use of buffet?
I'd much rather kick back and play
With my liquid gold, I could spend all day

A kiss from you took my breath away
And where are you now?
You’ve gone astray
You’ve left me here alone
In a small, miserable town
Left with nothing but a frown
I wish I’d never known you
You took my smile away
I wish I’d never loved you
For all you did was take and run away
In a matter of seconds
My love turned to indifference
I’m left here without a means of existence
I’m hurting badly
But you’re too blinded to see
The promises you’d broken to me
Every time you touched me
Every embrace we shared
Was just another lie
Of how much you didn’t care
I’m sure you’ve replaced me now
In your heart and in your mind
How foolish was I to truly believe
I was your only valentine
Was it all an act?
Every time we that held hands
Or made love?
Was it a clever ruse?
Did you mean to leave me
Broken and abused?
When you said “I love you”
Did you mean a single word?
Or was the idea of loving me
Something so absurd?
You cut me very deeply
Nothing will stop the pain
Every new drop of crimson blood
I’ll bleed until you leave my brain
The saddest thing of all
Is that I cannot stop loving you
Try as I might to fight this affliction
You have brought upon me
I still miss sleeping next to you
Feeling your breath upon my neck
And your lips across my cheek
Why won’t you let me be?
Why did you take my piece of mind
So far away from me?

Barely moving
Head is pounding
Grabbing for my temples
Heart racing
Barely gonna make it
Never gonna make it
Dry heave
Real heave
Dry heave
Still paying for the night before
One tequila
Two tequila
Three tequila
Floor
What the **** did I do this for?
Light's too bright
Sound's too loud
Can't get my breakfast down
Everything I eat
Comes right back out
Up the throat
And out my mouth
Choke down bile
Sit down a while
Stare at the kitchen tiles
Half the day is down the drain
Never-ending bouts of pain
Dry heave's back
Won't cut me slack
Mind-splitting ***** attack
Searing pain
Back once again
Riding the porcelain bus
For at least another 10
I feel like ****
I'm calling it quits
Peace, everyone
I'm done with this

I did
He died
She cried
"Goodbye"
Long pauses
Follow heavy sighs
In the sky
Now he flies
Hella high
In the sky
Past the light
Death bites
See ya on the other side

How long did you think you would last
Going from friend to friend so fast
Only calling when you needed a ride
Or to escape from your own confined mind
Remember when you were still my friend
And for a quick fix, you let it end
I miss the talks we used to share
Obviously, our memories, you could spare
But so desperately, you loved the lies
And wouldn't escape the hallucinating highs
People were the ultimate expense
No one had time for a proper defense
It started with cigarettes and graduated to ****
In no time at all, you were popping ecstasy
You wouldn't listen to our debate
You'd long ago decided your fate
So here it is, my final word
I'm done with you, set free the bird
There is nothing left for you to hear
Goodbye, little brother, unwise beyond your years

For reasons best unsaid
For thoughts long since misled
For hearts so fragile
Can no one person mend
I love you
And now it's out and known
For all the world to see
True feelings have been shown
I love you
I love you though it pains
I love you and this is why
We may never speak again
I love you
I've said it, and it's grown
I wish I'd never loved you
For I've never felt so alone
I've held you in my arms
But never held your heart
Nor could you return my love
Should you, we'd come apart
I love you
More than I ever could another
I love you though this is wrong
To fall for a common lover
Is it any wonder
My mind has gone askew?
For I shall never say the words
"I am in love with you"

This is our apartment;
Finally, a space all our own.
We moved in on a Tuesday
Just to the outskirts of town.
This is our table
Where so many stories will be shared,
And to go along with it
We'll exchange the futon for a few chairs.
This is our couch
Where we will read our favorite books,
Nothing to interrupt us
But the exchange of seductive looks.
This is our kitchen
Where I'll make him the finest fare.
Every evening on the table by six
Before we eat, we'll say our prayer.
This is our bed
Where our fiery passions ignite.
We fall asleep in each others arms
Beneath scattered rays of moonlight.

This is our apartment
We've been here five months and all is fine.
My parents visit on Wednesdays
He's drinking his third glass of wine.
This is our table
We eat here every day.
Perhaps in a few years
This is where our children will play.
This is our couch
My reading has become unbothered.
I mention my hopes for the future
He assures me he'll never be a father.
This is our kitchen
Dinner is quite the affair.
I set down the final plate
For me, he pulls out my chair.
This is our bed
A bit cooler than before.
Our ******* has become scheduled
And, frankly, something of a bore.

This is our apartment
We've lived here for a year.
He says he must stay late at the office
When he's home he stinks of beer.
This is our table
The stories are getting fewer.
I ask him if it's something I did
He walks away to the shower.
This is our couch
Where I am the only one who sits;
Occasionally my safe haven
To avoid his resentful fits.
This is our kitchen
Where he drinks most of his meals.
After all those long table talks
I no longer know how he feels.
This is our bed
Even colder than it was last year.
He rolls over and touches my arm
I don't dare move from fear.

This is his apartment
I've packed my final suitcase.
One last walk through memory lane
And I'm finally leaving this place.
This is his table
Where dinner parties were held.
Where countless stories were told
And countless more withheld.
This is his couch
Where my hopes and dreams were shattered.
This is his Merlot I'm spilling on it
To remind him none of this matters.
This is his kitchen
Where I threw the bowl of sauce
The night he came home at 3AM
Following a meeting with his boss.
This is his bed
Once dirtied with frenzied devotion.
Now so neat, tidy and ironed
Lacking any and all emotion.

This is the clock
We didn't notice time passing by.
Before we had noticed ten years had passed
And I'm in love with a different guy.

Where have you been
In these last few days?
I've missed you
I've cursed you
For being so far away
You left before I could return
There was no loving farewell
And you may never return to this place
As far as I can tell
Perhaps it is for the best
That we end this here and now
Time heals all, so they say
But a hurt like this is allowed?

This emotion is so foreign to me
I can't catch my breath when you're near
I think about you so very often
It's as if you're always here
You're smile has become my drug
Addicted to it's ivory hue
You're embrace is what I crave
For another day to get through
The warmth from your being has become my sun
Ignites the flame in my own
No more nights of lonesome feel
For memories of you  have grown
What's the word for this newfound sensation?
It's still so new and strange
Perhaps I should act upon this pull
Maybe it's time for a change

A kiss from you took my breath away
And where are you now?
You’ve gone astray
You’ve left me here alone
In a small, miserable town
Left with nothing but a frown
I wish I’d never known you
You took my smile away
I wish I’d never loved you
For all you did was take and run away
In a matter of seconds
My love turned to indifference
I’m left here without a means of existence
I’m hurting badly
But you’re too blinded to see
The promises you’d broken to me
Every time you touched me
Every embrace we shared
Was just another lie
Of how much you didn’t care
I’m sure you’ve replaced me now
In your heart and in your mind
How foolish was I to truly believe
I was your only valentine
Was it all an act?
Every time we that held hands
Or made love?
Was it a clever ruse?
Did you mean to leave me
Broken and abused?
When you said “I love you”
Did you mean a single word?
Or was the idea of loving me
Something so absurd?
You cut me very deeply
Nothing will stop the pain
Every new drop of crimson blood
I’ll bleed until you leave my brain
The saddest thing of all
Is that I cannot stop loving you
Try as I might to fight this affliction
You have brought upon me
I still miss sleeping next to you
Feeling your breath upon my neck
And your lips across my cheek
Why won’t you let me be?
Why did you take my piece of mind
So far away from me?