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katie Dec 2013
Lost in you.
like Alice lost in her burrow.
falling, falling
uncontrollable.
embracing your gravity.

i bury my head in your chest.
your smell enters my lungs.
ill keep it locked there forever.
Comfort.
your hand strokes under the old wool that covers me;
your bare skin on mine.
Your hand feeling the ridges of my spine
that i wish would protrude more.
I wish I was perfect for you.

i adore your touch.
I crave your lips.
Speaking singing kissing quarrelling.
i burrow into you like the rabbit into it's home.
i feel safe and protected.
I am.
You are.

My protector.
My force field. Protecting me against the world.
You kiss my cheekbones and collarbones
unknowing that they're my best features
because they are visible, tangible,
evidence.
feeling your kiss is euphoria.
your touch could end the world.
i love you.

i can fall into you.
i can collapse.

I can unfold all my secrets
as if you were to pick a colour and number for me to tell you if you'd be rich some day.
Teenage lovers.
Lost in lust and so the called meaningless poetry of a fresh and first love's so keen sting.

I demolish all walls and guards.
I lose all control. But i feel safe.

you know i don't eat,
you know I'm ******* crazy.
you know in searching for my own controls.
you come back still.
my protector.
my sweet and only love.
katie Dec 2013
These lightning bolts
these forks of electricity
what drove Billy Elliot to dance
is driving me to be happy

hunger pains;
the closest to magic ill ever know

the closest to wonder ill ever feel

5 or 6 days
no food
just numbers
just food

addicted to the pain
that crippled me in two
that sheds salt from my eyes
it means its working
all my hard work is paying off.
ill become skinnier
less of a beast
less of a fat ape
less of a life potato.

drop a few pounds
bragging about the time i fasted for 8 days and
lost 16lbs.
beautiful.

collar bones
jaw bones
ribs
hips
femurs
transform me.
katie Dec 2013
Privacy to sing;
             to think;
             to dance;
             to slice.

to be or not to be

left with my thoughts
let them stir themselves
like a spoilt stew
or limp, useless, worthless, rotten meat
that's good for nothing.
dead and left for
flies and worms;

i hath made worms meat of me.

deserted and alone
with my inner most thoughts;
                                desires;
                                wants;
                                passions;  

My sacred groove
My sanctity
My hollow alter and
Ceramic pool of most holiest
tap water.
Locked.

Where noone can capture
my hunchback, deformed, depressed
thoughts and passions
As I Cry
Sanctity.

where they cannot be killed
where i can bow so stubborn knees
but
not regret the effects of mine crimes?

help angels, make assay.

i am naked
i am relieved
i am pleasured
i am truthful
in this hollow tub of release
i thank whoever invented indoor plumbing
for my madness and sanity

for all that glitters is not gold.
katie Dec 2013
She cries.
why
i don't know
why
a terrible sister.
My Baby.

Her little earths;
sky blues, criss-crossed like what is
a lime electric bolt
darting, swimming
round a black hole
dilated in the dark
as she weeps
they become inflamed little earths
floating in the lava of her distress.

passion of
sadness anger happiness guilt
i do not know.
her soft white cheeks
now puffed and flushed

she breathes heavily
disguises her body's cries for help
wiping her button nose.
now wet.
her own winter.
she weeps i don't know why

i ask
i make jokes about mutual dislikes

she smiles;
she slips her fair lips
into a bended shape
lets her eyebrows drop down when she thinks i wont look
her beautiful blues watering with her gloss
release one last drop of her ocean

a whole tsunami to me.

she weeps.
my throat chokes up
i love her
she cannot be sad
i love her.
My Baby
sister.
i love her.
im a terrible protector.
i love her i must
protect her.
katie Dec 2013
To be a Mrs Joe
or become a lady
Havisham?
I weep for him
I weep for him
I weep for him and me.
I lose tears salted with his stress
or his concealed thoughts plugging up
his brilliant mind
i weep
about him, about me
about us

there's no shame in being pure
we're all pure at once
there's no shame.
To him there is.
in the doubts of his voice and tongue
there is shame.

i love him.

i love him with everything i have
everything i see
everything i believe or know
i willingly give to him but
he loves me not.
ill slip him some purple petals
dipped in yellow stigmas or become
a ghost of a girlfriend.
a ghoul of a lover.

one insignificant link in a long shackled chain of
exs
forever bound in his vast memory and mind
as
"*****" "cow" "****" "ungrateful" "unworthy"

Am I Cleoparra?
Mrs Joe? Havisham?
Estella?

I have no twinkling green eyes
i have no slender waist or
vast, indefeatable wit
i have no enigmatic undeniable beauty
That would quake the heavens and make angels sing and string Apollo's lyre
or beam such light that would Diana's breast
i am insignificant
.unspecial.
he is special.

i believe in no such god
but he would be my proof
my tear of hope
a small ray of belief and defiance
tearing apart a black unbelieving universe

i am a passing pair of peepers
he'll see a million as insignificant as i

ill only know a love like this
once.
For him.

he should live forever
he will
if not this world in a wasteland

am i Estella?
Cleopatra? Mrs Joe?
Miss Havisham?

— The End —