Her sad face plays through my mind one last time. “I need you,” she says. I need her too. So why did she ever leave me? I didn’t understand how she could love me so much one say and hate me the next. I didn’t like how I couldn’t control my life. How I couldn’t be in charge. How everyone said life is what you make it when it isn’t. It isn’t what you make it. I wouldn’t make my life this bad. I did understand what was wrong with me. I couldn’t understand. Didn’t want to understand. Maybe I did. I’m not sure what I want at all. That’s a lie. I know what I want. I want her. I have. I always have. I always will. Without her I’m a dead man walking. Pointless. Restless. And filled with nothingness.

Did I do something to upset god? Or did I do something to upset the devil? Either way, I’m affected. I don’t know how to fix it. At least not on my own. I’ve admitted it now. I’m not strong enough on my own. But who will help? Who can I trust? I’m too hardheaded to understand or let the help sink in deep. Why am I so stubborn? Why can’t I get help? Wait. That’s a lie. I can. It just won’t help me. Help that doesn’t help. Sadness that keeps getting sad. Darkness that gets darker. But an end that just won’t come.

There is a girl. A sad girl. Whom I’ve known since I was a little girl. She helped me, get away from all the hurt as a child. She always put on a smile for me. No matter what was happening, she smiled for me. I never noticed the sad tears in her eyes, the bruises and cuts on her skin, the fake smile on her lips, or the pain in her heart. Not until I turned 12. When I was 12 I fell into a sadness that was so unbearable I thought I should die. She told me I was worth it when I was young. I never believed her, but it felt good to be noticed. When I turned 4, she didn’t have as much time for me. She had another girl. A girl who needed her more. Then when I turned 7, she had another girl who needed her more than the first. Then when I turned 9, she had 2 children that needed her much more than the first 2. I thought she was my guardian angel. But she only had time for 4 children, not 5. She didn’t know that I was the weakest. She didn’t notice me anymore. So I sat alone crying, my heart dying. But she didn’t know. Now we don’t speak anymore. We’ve grown so far apart I can’t even talk to her or look her in the eye anymore, for fear she will push me away again. I had been pushed away too many times for another heart break. See, I never understood the pain in her eyes, the bruises and cuts on her skin, the fakeness of her smile, or the pain in her heart until I turned 12. It all screamed help me, I break too, I’m not perfect. How do I know? Well I didn’t until I felt the exact same way.

Once my savior, now my lover, and my best friend. He saved me from the pain I felt and tried to make it better. He gave me love without asking for anything in return. But I willingly gave him all of my love. He’d never break my heart, he’d never hurt me. But when he said it, I knew it must be true because he wasn’t like all the others. The ones who didn’t want anything to do with me when something better came along. He made me feel pretty, he made me feel good enough, and he made me realize that life may be worth living. He became my best friend, my lover, and I loved him like no other. But his parents didn’t understand why he loved me so much. They were afraid to lose their not so little boy. So they took him away from me. Took him so he couldn’t see me anymore, couldn’t talk to me, couldn’t hear me, couldn’t think of me, couldn’t feel my touch anymore. So I’ve plunged back into the dark hole he pulled me out of. I love him so much. And he will always be my one and only. Once my savior, now my lover, and my best friend.

I danced around my house. Nobody was home. I danced around in the living room. I danced in the kitchen. I danced passed the drawer of knives and past the cabinet of pills. For once I wanted to know what it was like to be happy and for 5 minutes I got it.

A smile for the cuts. A smile for the bruises. A smile for the people I've lost. A smile for the pain I take. If only you knew my smile was fake.

They tell me to be happy. But I'm always sad. I don't understand why. My mother thinks I've gone mad. But surely I haven't, what insane person can feel pain? I felt I had to test this theory of pain, so I took a blade to my veins. It didn't hurt, it made me feel alive and in control. Holding life and death can make a person go mad. Perhaps I am insane.

My heart breaks and it aches. Why can’t you see? I cry and I weep till I fall asleep. You could have saved me. You could have helped. How did you not hear my cry for help? I wanted you to see me. See me for who I was. But instead you look to the surface. The broken, messed up girl covered in scars. Why would you want me anyway, when you have her?  She is perfect and I am nothing. You gave her all of your love, but who can blame you? She is smart, beautiful, and funny. Why can’t I be like her? Why couldn’t I be someone else? Someone else or dead.

The raised skin of the scars on her wrist catches your eye. You say that you’re sad for her. But how can you be? All you do is make fun of her. You have your entire life. Followed her with insults and hurt. Suddenly you’re sorry? After making her feel like a freak all of her life? After telling her to **** herself? Now that she is taking your advice you’re sorry? How can you be sorry of your own work? Admire you’re work, dear friend. Admire your sick work.

Death. It’s a romantic idea, really. Quiet and mysterious. An escape. A way out. A perfect vision. Dark, yet so light. Cold, yet so warming. Gone, yet still there. Sad, yet happy. Death is an amazing dream. A simple dream really. It helps people. It brings people to remember not to take life for granted. It brings people together. Yet, it tears people apart. Because, everybody always wants someone to blame besides themselves. Or they want the attention of saying it was all their fault that they weren’t there when they should have been. It kills me.

Fear strikes her heart as he steps closer. Nearer with the wicked smile on his face. The evil man who said he loved her. The evil man whom she once trusted. The evil man she never knew was evil. He talked in a soft voice, as if he was afraid for her to be scared. Like he didn’t know what he was doing was wrong. But it was. It left bruises all over her pale skin, making it a black-blue-yellow-purple color and left scars on her body. But it also left scars in her heart. She loved this person so much and just couldn’t understand how this person had become someone she didn’t want to meet. How he had become so mean. How he could hurt her so bad. Why would he hurt her if he loved her as much as he said he did? He lied a lot. To cover up what he did to her. He would talk her down and make her feel so low. Made her feel like she deserved what he was doing to her. Like she didn’t deserve any better. Like she was no better than the dirt he walked on. It wasn’t fair, what he did to her so many times, just to get away with it over and over again. It wasn’t fair that when she tried to tell someone that they thought she was lying and seeking attention. It all just wasn’t fair that life was in favor of the evil man.

She cries at night so no one can see. She bleeds in the dark to hide from her friends and family. She screams in silence so no one can hear. She covers her eyes so she can't see her fears. Her fears of being alone. Her fears of not being accepted at home. Her fears of being played a fool. Her fears of being an outcast at school. Her fears of changing in gym with all the other girls. And her fears of all of this big bad world.

You love her, not me. But why would you ever want me? I'm crazy, anyone could see. I try and cover my scars, but there are too many to hide. And you can see it in my tear filled eyes. I'm that crazy girl no one loves. Seeking attention, that's all I'm doing. But what's sad is that, if i suceed, you'll instantly love me.

The tear falls from her eye and creates a stream down her pale face and it glistens as she looks out the window. But she isn't looking outside. She is looking beyond all of that. Looking to the distance. Looking to see where the happiness had gone, and wondering why it didn't take her with it. Wondering why the sadness stayed. Why it didn't just leave. Go where the happiness had gone and send the happy back to her. Her heart thudded in her chest and she pulled her knees up. She put her head down and tears swelled in her eyes. "Why won't the saddness go away?" She whispered, but the wind swept her words away to where the happiness lay.

She sat up on a building so high, looking down at all the litle people. She thought of all the pain she has had in her heart. Her broken, beaten, and abused heart. She shouldn't have trusted him from the start. She looked up at the midnight sky and tried not to cry. She stood on the edge and lifted her wings to fly.

So small in his mother's hands. Blonde mess of hair on his head, sparkling blue eyes when he finally opened them. "I'll never let anyone hurt you," she told him while he slept that first night. Soon he grew to age of 13. His blonde hair still shinning and his blue eyes still sparkling. He fell in love with a girl. A girl who didn't deserve his love. A liar, a cheat. She played with his heart. She soon moved on to another, only seeking attention. He was lost, not clear of his intentions in life. Blurry-eyed with stars in the sky he walked to his mother's room and whispered, "I'll never let anyone hurt you." Then, he grabbed his blades and said goodbye to the world. Then, he was barried in the ground on a cold, cloudy day. And his mother came to say, "I'm sorry that they hurt you. I'm sorry it ended this way. But I can't change the past. So I came to say, rest in peace, my sweet.

Her name was Elizabeth. Her blue eyes sparkled like a crystal clear lake on a perfect summer day. Her hair fell mid-back and was as straight as the blade of a knife. Her long eyelashes extended past her brow bone. Her beautiful white smile could light up any room. She was skinny and taller than most. Her skin was like snow, but her scars, she makes sure they aren't shown. Her heart has been used and her body abused. As broken as she is, you couldn't see, because her perfection hides the flaws underneath.

You couldn't imagine the pain I feel, after every meal. You told me I was fat. How can I live with that? I treated you like a friend, but you were so jealous of me. Why did you want to be me? I'm nothing special and that's plain to see. No I couldn't imagine, why'd you want to be ugly ole me.

Sometimes I cant stay strong.
I let the tears flow.
But that doesnt help any.
Only temorarily.
Never forever.
Sometimes I wish my problems would forget me, just as everyone else has.
Pass my by and leave me behind.
Forget me and leave me in the dust.
Then I would be happy.
Then I would be sane.
Instead of sitting here,
and forever thinking of your name.

"I love you". The three words that roll so simply off our tougues once we decide to say it. It comes so naturally. Yet they can be so complicated. So hard to express through the simplicity of it all. So easily we say them, but so deep they set in our hearts. These words can make us feel like we are flying, or they can make us feel like we are dying.

I thrusted my hand out, trying to reach you. But when my fingertips touched your's, they were cold as ice. And I could tell you weren't there anymore. As I realized you were gone, released of this world and it's awful pain, soon to be forgotten by most but never by me, the mirror hit the floor and i knew, you were now gone for good.

She cries, she weeps every night in her sleep. You scream, you go why can't you just leave?
Leave me. Leave her. Leave them. Leave them so young to wonder what they did to push you away. Leave her to think about how if she was different, you would have stayed. Leave me. Give up on me. I don't care if you leave me. I've been left before. I've been given up on my entire life.
But how dare you stay and not try. Try and make everything right. Try and make it better. Even if it will be in vain. Fix it. Or at least try. What will sitting here screaming, yelling, and being angry do? They wont understand like I do. So leave. But you better know before you go, that I hate your very soul. And I will hate you everything You put her through. Everything you put them through. Just leave. Leave us already.

I try hard. I try really hard. But obviously not hard enough. People see my smile and think, oh she is happy. The world sees my smile and thinks, oh she has a smile, let’s destroy it. But no one understands, that all my pain, my years of torture, all my scars, are hidden behind that smile. When you try to destroy my smile, you’re not just taking my smile. You’re taking another piece of my soul as you walk away laughing with your friends or satisfied with yourself. Do you know how bad it hurts? Well obviously you don’t, because if you did, you wouldn’t do it to anyone else. Why? Why do you try so hard to break what’s already been broken? Not fractured, not cracked, not bent, but broken. Why do you hate me? What did I ever do to you? I’ve avoided you. I didn’t say anything to you. I haven’t in my life. So why me? Does it make you feel better? When you see me crying, and you act like you care, is that part of your game? You can’t be two people. Do you not like me because I don’t worship you like everybody else? Because I’m honest and don’t just tell you what you want to hear? Well then I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being me. But I truly feel sorry for you. You’re so neglected and shamed of who you are that you need to take it out on me to get approval from you friends. I’d be your friend, even after the way you treated me. Because I know what it feels like. What it’s like to be forgotten, neglected, broken, lost, and tossed out.

You stare at the heart in your hand as it beats. But you don't understand. You don't understand that it beats for you. So you stare, trying to comprehend. Trying to understand why this thing in your hand is so fragile, so weak. The reason is that it has been ripped out, stomped on, and broken. Yet I simply try to repair it and keep moving. Because if I didn't keep moving, i'd be stuck. Stuck reliving the terrible memories i try to push aside. You look at the heart i've placed in your hands, starting to see all the damage you never knew was there. Now understanding the reason you see it now, is that I'm trusting you with my secrets. Trusting you with my past. Trusting you with my heart. Please, don't betray my trust. Please don't add another ache to the heart i have given you. Beacuse, I'm not sure how much i can take. Until it will be too late.