Katelyn: Poems

Katelyn Jan 2017

I need someone,
I don't think I can do it for myself anymore.

Attempts

Katelyn Jan 2017

Attempts

I've been there,
I've gotten the bottle of pills.
Ever since, I've been waiting.
I'm not scared of dying,
I'm scared of getting caught trying to.

Back

Katelyn Feb 2019

Back

I was hoping I would not have to come back here,
typing these pieces. emotions flowing from the tips of my fingers. I am once again broken. I have been fixed before, this time may be irreparable. I can't express with words how it feels to be trapped in your brain, screaming for help. No one hearing your cries and no one feeling your pain.

Chance

Katelyn Jan 2016

Chance

I remember taking that chance,
the chance that has changed the past few years of my life.
The chance that if i wouldn't have taken, I would've never met the love of my teens.
Some say I should't have taken it.
They said you were toxic for me.
But they don't understand why i took a chance on you.
They didn't see your tears on that sunday night during the breakdown,
when you were so vulnerable and you came to me.
They didn't see me when I was laying on the floor,
screaming about ending it all, sobbing into your chest.
They didn't see our connection.
If i had the choice I would take the chance again.
I would take the chance of experience our teenage love just one more time,
mostly, because this time i wouldn't take the chance of letting you end it all.
I wouldn't go on vacation and leave you alone to cry by yourself on that awful night .
If i had another chance i would stop you,
so I wouldn't have to finish high school without my true love.
I would take the chance so i could quit blaming myself.
Just so i could lay in your arms, once again.

chocolate

Katelyn Mar 2017

chocolate

When i hear our song;
my mouth and eyes water simultaneously,
because i want you so badly that it hurts but i know i can never have you again.

faces

Katelyn Jan 2016

faces

Everyday,
I search through faces in memory,
only to find, that you are still not there.
You; the one who sees me for not who, but what I truly am.
a broken soul.

Hiding

Katelyn Dec 2015

Hiding

Locked away in my room I stay,
All day, with a laptop resting upon my chest.
Writing poetry I never thought would be read.

Drinking herbal tea,
trying to hold onto my sanity.
Hoping no one knocks at the door,
to finally get a glimpse of me.

No one needs to witness me,
while my brain thinks of scenarios,
that most likely will never occur.

I'm just dreaming of the day,
when i will no longer be afraid of people knowing the real me.

When i can publish my works,
and drink my tea in a cute little coffee shop,
in downtown NYC.

Dreaming of a day,
when i can finally come out of "hiding".

It's always you

Katelyn Jan 2017

It's always you

I want you to know that you ******* killed me.
I want to hurt you like you hurt me.
I hate you but I don't think I have it in my heart to break you the way you broke me.

I've forgotten how to be okay

Katelyn Jan 2017

I've forgotten how to be okay

I just need someone to realize that I'm not okay.
I've tried to tell them that I'm drowning,
They all just claim that they've seen me swim.

life

Katelyn Nov 2016

life

I walk down streets,
wondering why I cannot feel anything.
My sister informed me that this is an uncommon form of depression,
I remember months ago when I felt everything so deeply I could barely speak.
I want that back,
I want to feel the unstoppable sadness and pain.
I want to feel the tears sliding down my face.
I want to feel the rare hour long rushes of joy, only to have the sadness take me over again not even an hour later.
I want to feel these things because I need something.
Not feeling anything eats you alive from the inside out.
Its like floating in the ocean but not feeling the water and sunshine.
It's like reading an amazing book but never meeting the characters.
It is pain.
It is my life.

Lust

Katelyn Mar 2016

Lust

I love how people used to use *** as an inseparable bond beyond two people, that not even divorce could break.
But now, we throw around our bodies like they were meant to simply be used for fun.
That's why I think in this generation very few will know true love. Because we throw ourselves onto each others' bodies before getting to know one another's minds.

New year, trying to reach the old me

Katelyn Jan 2017

New year, trying to reach the old me

Everyone says that if you believe in yourself you can make it.
Then, what happens when you're in an abusive relationship with your brain,
What happens you try to seek help but you're drowning in your own thoughts.
What happens when the thought of a bottle of pills or a gun is just as comforting as a sunny day at the park.
What happens when you just want it over.
What happens when none of your friends realize you haven't been out in months, or that they haven't been able to reach you.
What happens when it wouldn't make a difference anyway.

Now

Katelyn Dec 2015

Now

Now,
Now you know the real me,
I'm expecting you to leave,
like all of the others.
I'm terrified, i can't lose my lifeline,
I also can't be terribly disappointed, because I've seen this pattern before.
But God, I'm praying you'll be the one to prove the pattern wrong.
Now,
Now I have hope that you'll be the one to stay.

Stay

Katelyn Dec 2015

Stay

Stay with me,
For I don't want you to leave,
You keep me safe,
You keep me warm,
You make my days livable, my coffee sweeter.
You make my mornings joyful and cheery.
So please stay, because my greatest fear,
and most likely the last of my days,
will be the day when you can stay no more.

Sweet tragedy

Katelyn Jan 2017

Sweet tragedy

I was never enough for you,
But now you're not enough for me.

The note.

Katelyn Jan 2017

The note.

I can't count on my two hands how many suicide notes I've written.
Some of them were **** near perfect; yet,
They seemed so angry.

Somehow even on my mental death bed,
I was still rewriting this note as some sort of apology to my family and friend.
Some sort of apology I wish someone would've given to me.

The sort of apology that you don't ever second guess. I had to get it right.

Thinking

Katelyn Dec 2015

Thinking

You think you can help me,
I think you should try,
Although I am scared,
of opening up to a whole new guy.
You hold out your arms, loving and warm.
You think I should open up,
It takes me some time, but after awhile,
I let you see who I am,
I tell you my story, I think you will leave,
You think I'm creative,
This is a change,
You think you love the real me.
You think I should finally love myself.
I think I will start to try.
After months of encouragement,
I think I am me.
And finally, I think I am okay with that.

thoughts

Katelyn Feb 2016

thoughts

Sometimes we feel irrelevant,
like we could just be gone and the world wouldn't change,
that may be true
but **** it would hurt for the people that love you,
to have to lose you.

Wrong

Katelyn Jan 2016

Wrong

Maybe,
everything they tell you Sunday Mornings is wrong,
Maybe,
they want you to think there is a place after Earth
so that you won't do your self improvements and sinning and exploring while on this planet,
maybe,
they're trying to get you to save up your energy for Heaven.
They're lying.
My view is,
you should do your sinning and exploring while on this planet.
Because maybe just maybe,
Heaven is right here on earth.
Heaven is your favorite song and all of your passion.
Heaven is right here,
grasp it while you can,
and never let it go.

— The End —