I just need someone to realize that I'm not okay.
I've tried to tell them that I'm drowning,
They all just claim that they've seen me swim.

I need someone,
I don't think I can do it for myself anymore.

I was never enough for you,
But now you're not enough for me.

Everyone says that if you believe in yourself you can make it.
Then, what happens when you're in an abusive relationship with your brain,
What happens you try to seek help but you're drowning in your own thoughts.
What happens when the thought of a bottle of pills or a gun is just as comforting as a sunny day at the park.
What happens when you just want it over.
What happens when none of your friends realize you haven't been out in months, or that they haven't been able to reach you.
What happens when it wouldn't make a difference anyway.

I walk down streets,
wondering why I cannot feel anything.
My sister informed me that this is an uncommon form of depression,
I remember months ago when I felt everything so deeply I could barely speak.
I want that back,
I want to feel the unstoppable sadness and pain.
I want to feel the tears sliding down my face.
I want to feel the rare hour long rushes of joy, only to have the sadness take me over again not even an hour later.
I want to feel these things because I need something.
Not feeling anything eats you alive from the inside out.
Its like floating in the ocean but not feeling the water and sunshine.
It's like reading an amazing book but never meeting the characters.
It is pain.
It is my life.

is my real problem how much i need your adoration, or how hard pressed i am to find it these days?

hold onto it.
she used to look at me that way.









and losing her...
i wouldn't wish that on anyone,
certainly not you.