I realize now
that I'm the toxic friend.
This streak of toxicity
has got to end.

Whenever I'm around
the friends I love,
I say certain things
I know will push and shove.

I've always said
I'm not the toxic one.
But I guess lying to myself
is something I find fun.

When I think back on life,
I find I'm not who I desire.
I always force myself into arguments
and into the line of fire.

This poem is more for myself
than for anyone I show it to.
I'm mostly just acknowledging it
so I can really read myself through.

I realize now
that I'm the toxic friend.
All my toxic traits
I really need to mend.

Depression is strong,
but I am stronger.
It's able to control my mind,
but with buttons that can be left behind.

The panel is turned on,
and my brain is turned off.
But with a little glowing light,
the switch that says "off" is in sight.

Depression is strong,
but I am stronger.
It can hide my being away,
but with a key that is not astray.

The key locks me in,
and locks the help out.
But through the gaps in the cell,
is the key that fits the lock so well.

Depression is strong,
but I am stronger.
It might make me feel weak,
but with strength, no damage it will wreak.

The weakness goes up,
and the strength goes down.
But when I reach the switch and key,
my power rising again, is what you'll see.

Writing is a coping mechanism.
A method to get away.
It helps my mind keep calm
when all my thoughts are array.

I can sit here forever.
Putting my thoughts in this book.
The book that gives me comfort
from the worries stuck on a hook.

The horrors in my mind.
The terrors in my head.
Becoming words on paper
instead of existential dread.

Writing is an escape.
A reason to break free.
It helps my brain relax
when I have the urge to flee.

I can stay here for eternity.
Staring at these lines.
The lines that give me support
just like a second spine.

Asking me to do something
is like asking me to climb a mountain.
The task plays over in my mind
again and again and again.

I tell myself it's a simple job
that quickly can be done.
I turn on my brain and say
"Hey, maybe this will be fun."

Up I go to do the task.
A simple thing, you could say.
And with the finished job I can bask.
But then my brain goes gray.

I sit back down
watching colors go dark.
A fun task no more
on which my brain could embark.

My brain thinks the simplest things
are the hardest of them all.
Up the mountain of tasks I go
and down the mountain I fall.

My heart was on the ground.
It walked on two feet.
I picked it up to carry.
I gave it love to eat.

My heart was in the trees.
It swung from vine to vine.
I pushed it to help it sway.
I pulled it so the love was mine.

My heart was in the clouds.
It moved across the sky.
I guided it among the rain.
I sent birds to hear its lovely cry.

My heart is in the stars.
It no longer walks, swings, or moves.
I reach up to touch it.
I say "I love you," but it's too far away.

With you, I feel safe.
You tell me I'm not alone.
I believe you.
But now, I'm not safe.

With you, I can cry.
You tell me I'll be alright.
I believe you.
But now, I cry all alone.

With you, I can talk.
You tell me you love my voice.
I believe you.
But now, can't talk.

With you, I am loved.
You tell me you love me.
I believe you.
But now, I am hated.

With you, I am me.
You tell me I'm the best.
I believe you.
But now, I'm an imposter.

One month now,
since the last time we talked.
The last time we spoke,
the last time we conversed soft.

One month and some days now,
since the last time we called.
The last time we fell asleep,
the last time we whispered goodnight.

About two months now,
since the last time I saw you.
The last time we smiled together,
the last time our eyes locked.

Almost three months now,
since I fell so in love.
The last time we poured out our hearts,
the last time our hearts were less heavy.

One month now...
since the last time we talked...
The last time I felt safe...
the last time I was truly happy...

I'm constantly in this dreamlike state.
It's like I'm never fully awake.
I'm constantly in this dreamlike state.
It's like my brain is on a life long break.

I feel like I'm walking through a cloud.
I'm just waiting for my mind to wake up.
I feel like I'm walking through a cloud.
I'm just moving along like a lost little pup.

It's like I'm not actually here.
I'm in third person watching a fictional game.
It's like I'm not actually here.
I'm in the sky only hearing my name.

I'm on the edge of imagination and reality.
I can't tell what is real or fake.
I'm on the edge of imagination and reality.
I can't even wake up if my life's at stake.

I don't know if I'm awake or sleeping.
It all feels the same to me.
I don't know if I'm awake or sleeping.
It all feels like I'm not where I'm supposed to be.

It's like I see things through a ***** lens.
I'm not sure what I'm looking at.
It's like I see things through a ***** lens.
I'm not sure it should be like that.

All my movements are in instant replay.
I view them over and over again.
All my movements are in instant replay.
Is this how it's always been??

I follow the lines like a guide.
But all I do is stray away.
I follow the lines like a guide.
How do I know when to leave or stay??

Everything I see is an outside view.
I see my body from above.
Everything I see is an outside view.
Will somebody please just give my head a shove??

I never know if I'm in a dream.
I've locked my consciousness in a cup.
I never know if I'm in a dream.
Why can't I just wake up??

Something isn't right.
I swear I'm not lying.
Something isn't right.
God, why would I be ******* lying??

I'm constantly in this dreamlike state.
It's like I'm never fully awake.
I'm constantly in this dreamlike state.
It's like my brain is on a life long break.

So hard, I try,
to do my best.
I'd say that's a lie,
but I digress.

I'm tired and hungry,
much needed rest.
So hard, I try,
to pass my test.

So hard, it seems,
to get a good grade.
I'd say I didn't study,
but I'd be betrayed.

I space and dream,
brain needs a trade.
So hard, I try,
to have thoughts not frayed.

So hard, I play,
to live my life.
I'd say I don't cry,
but I'd cause strife.

I hope and pray,
the end of a knife.
So hard, I play,
to pay my pride.

Around and around,
do the butterflies swirl.
Around and around,
their wings make them twirl.

Antennae up high,
clouds soaring by.
Never on the ground,
are they ever found.

Over and under,
in wind do they sway.
Over and under,
their path does not stray.

Wings when in flutter,
they fly smooth like butter.
They flow and they flap,
eyes locked in their trap.

Left and right,
in rain they don't dive.
Left and right,
in all weather they thrive.

The things I didn't know.
The things that wouldn't show.
The things I couldn't find.
The things my brain couldn't hear.

I live in fear that I will do something stupid.
I live in fear that my heart won't love what I did.
I live in fear that I will ***** it all over.
I live in fear that I will dig too deep.

My brain and heart almost never coincide.
My brain and heart act like the communication is fried.
My brain and heart don't live hand in hand.
My brain and heart don't have the control panel manned.

But then I realized my brain had it backwards.
But then I realized I wasn't ever lost.
But then I realized I'd always seen it wrong.
But then I realized it was there all along.

Now what I see is something I know.
Now what I see is clear like a glass.
Now what I see is a feel my heart can't shove.
Now what I see is what I love.

One on its own,
has much living beauty,
from its luscious green,
to its brook swept clean.

With petite little flowers,
and butterflies in plenty.
With its sweet-smelling breeze,
and warmth with no freeze.

Another tall and grown,
in an unkempt glory,
from its entangled brush,
to its interwoven lush.

With trees like towers,
and moths powdered heavy.
With its intoxicating wind,
and cold not well to fend.

Together and sewn,
tell and extravagant story,
from their devious fork,
to their streams capped by cork.

With leaves in layers,
and insects in hurry.
With their whispering gusts,
and secrets one oughtn't trust.

She says she's sorry.
She says she didn't mean to.
But is she really sorry??
Does she really mean to??

She says she doesn't do it on purpose.
She says she won't do it again.
But she does do it on purpose.
She does it all the time.

She says we leave her out.
She says we walk away.
But she leaves us out.
She leaves us to walk alone.

She says she's helping a friend.
She says we wouldn't understand.
But she doesn't help her other friends.
She doesn't give us a chance to try.

We've tried to fix it before.
But some people never change.
I don't think it can ever be mended.
I think it will be this way forever.

I want to tell her.
I know I should.
She deserves to know.
But I don't think I could.

She's my best friend.
I've known her so long.
I love her a lot.
But I'm scared telling her is wrong.

I'm worried she'll judge.
I'm scared she'll leave me.
I'm scared she'll laugh.
I'm worried she won't see what I see.

I want to tell her.
I know I should.
She deserves to know.
But I don't think I could.

She's my best friend.
I've known her for years.
I love her a lot.
I try to tell her but my brain only shifts gears.

I know she'll accept me.
I know it will be a shock.
But she needs to know.
What I feel around the clock.

I want to tell her.
I know I should.
She deserves to know.
I think, maybe, now I could.

Butterflies everywhere,
fluttering around with no care.
Wings shining in the sun,
flying around having fun.

Little Moth, only one around,
flapping around, always with a frown.
Tiny wings, cloudy though strong,
never wanting to do any wrong.

But then Little Moth found its way,
following the path of ones rarely seen.
Away from the shadows did the moth stray,
away from the darkness did the moth ween.

Into the sunlight, flying by,
other moths having a good ole time.
Farther and farther did Little Moth climb,
never before flying so high.

Then Little Moth wasn't alone,
finally feeling happy and freed.
Flight has now sprouted like a tiny seed,
all of the colors now being shown.

He tells me to do what makes me happy.
He tells me to say what's on my mind.
He tells me to say when something is wrong.
He tells me to do what I think is best.

He tells me he'll always listen.
He tells me he's never gonna judge.
He tells me he's always gonna be there.
He tells me he'll always try to make things right.

He tells me I'm like a sister.
He tells me I don't talk too much.
He tells me I make things better.
He tells me I'm fun to be around.

He tells me there's something different between us.
He tells me that our bond is unique.
He tells me that we'll always talk to each other.
He tells me there's nothing that will break us down.

I tell him I'll always talk to him.
I tell him I feel happier around him.
I tell him I always laugh when I'm near him.
I tell him I'll always love him.

I'm so scared, so scared, so scared.
I need to just decide, just decide, just decide.
I could go hide, go hide, go hide.
What do I choose, choose, choose??

Boy?? Girl?? Boy?? Girl??
My thoughts are beginning to whirl.
Whichever side I choose,
the other is something I lose.

Whether it's someone and their beliefs, beliefs, beliefs.
Taking my heart with them like a thief, thief, thief.
Or part of myself and my pride, pride, pride.
And the hours over which I have cried, cried, cried.

The thoughts I know I've always had.
Are they good or are they bad??
If the thoughts I have never show,
they will continue to grow and grow.

But I'm so scared, so scared, so scared.
It's a very big choice, big choice, big choice.
I need to decide with my voice, my voice, my voice.
So what do I choose, choose, choose??

I told her before I knew for sure.
I told him before I knew for sure.
I told her before I knew for sure.
I still don't know for sure.

I might not ever know,
but whichever way I go,
I know they will be right by my side,
even after all the times I lied.

Pick out a dress.
You'll look your best.
If only they knew,
the pictures my mind drew.

After the many makeup looks,
the smile like the cover on books.
If only they knew,
and I could show myself true.

But now, they know.
When I told them, my smile did glow.
Now, I can be myself,
I don't have to hide like dust on a shelf.

I told her before I knew for sure.
I told him before I knew for sure.
I told her before I knew for sure.
I still don't know for sure.

I might not ever know,
but whichever way I go,
I know they will be right by my side,
even after all the times I lied.

I'm not me.
I don't like the way I am.
I'm not the right type of me.
I'm not the me I show.

The things I do.
The items I own.
The way I act.
The body I have.

These things aren't really me.
I don't like the way I am.
I want to be different.
I don't want to be me.

I don't want to cross my legs.
I don't want to wear skirts and dresses.
I don't want to hop and skip.
I don't want to do what she does.

I want to slouch when I sit.
I want to wear suits and ties.
I want to run and jump.
I want to do what he does.

I don't want to have heels and flats.
I don't want to have necklaces and hairties.
I don't want to have makeup and perfume.
I don't want to have what she has.

I want to have boots and hightops.
I want to have hats and sunglasses.
I want to have hairgel and cologne.
I want to have what he has.

I don't want to act cute and reserved.
I don't want to act bubbly and sweet.
I don't want to act lady like.
I don't want to act like she does.

I want to act wild and open.
I want to act tough and strong.
I want to act manly.
I want to act like he does.

I don't want the long, flowy hair.
I don't want the petite frame.
I don't want the rosy cheeks.
I don't want the body she has.

I want the short, fluffy hair.
I want the tall, strong frame.
I want the sharp jawline.
I want the body he has.

Yeah, I said it.
I don't like the way I am.
I don't want to be "her".
I want to be "him".

Dripping, dripping, ever so slowly,
flooding the fields of flowers below.
Strands of grass, never to be lonely,
standing and falling in row.

Treetops descending, crooked and bent,
trailing the paths, having been spent.
Dripping, dripping, ever so slowly,
tears of clouds and tears of worry.

Is it the wind??
That blows branches array??
Or is it the sin??
That causes leaves to fly stray??

Lowering, lowering, bright and pink,
stars in the sky causing hands to link.
Dripping, dripping, ever so slowly,
basking in sadness and basking in glory.

Loving something is a sacred thing,
but loving someone is an eternal bond,
never to be broken, forever strong.
Love is not something that is just a fling.

It doesn't come and go,
it lingers,
counting eternity on all ten fingers.
Coming once to forever show.

You can't make it leave, no matter what you try,
it is always there,
sometimes almost too much to bear.
It makes you laugh, and it makes you cry.

Loving something is a sacred thing,
but loving someone is an eternal bond,
always here, forever on your mind.
Breaking it, however, can cause a sting.

Loving something is a sacred thing,
but loving someone is an eternal bond,
ever present, forever fond.
Capture it quickly for the joy it can bring.

Blue waves crashing on the shore,
strong and shimmering with no despair.
Seagulls squawking knowing not what for,
giving all the nastiest glare.

Specks of sea glass sprinkling the sand,
seashells scattered upon the land.
Blue waves crashing on the shore,
pictures of beauty and pictures of gore.

Wind blowing free and fierce,
salty, warm, and smelling sweet.
But sharp like a cactus, ***** and pierce,
cutting a line where the sand and water meet.

The humming conversations, nice and kind,
sunbathers bathing ought not to mind.
Blue waves crashing on the shore,
sounds of love and sounds of lore.