I'm still shaking
like I did in the field
and at the gazebo
and in the first few seconds when I get in your car
when the cold air is still so desperate to seep below our surface
and lately I've been thinking
I won't ever stop shaking
from this unique and horrible cold
-this cool reminder that you are so far from me

to fill a hole
fix what's broken
say what needs to be said
and leave unnecessary explanations unspoken
we're seeking the same thing
to simplify our lives
wrap up in what we used to be
find it fabricated in lies
you want my insight
but I gave all of me to all of you a long time ago
and while you're missing me
I'm letting you go
let's not complicate this further than need be
let's keep it simple and let it leave
on terms its own
that we can't conceive
you should have had some foresight
you should've known I couldn't always wait
I'm not one of your fish
I'm not going for the bait
It suddenly feels like it's been so long
since I felt lied to
since I felt wronged
I don't miss you like I once did
and it gets a lot easier with most of the passing time
and I harbor less resentment for you now
looking forward to having you in my life again down the line

And I think I have much more to say to you than I actually am
But I think I was meant to say it a long time ago when it might have actually mattered

the night recedes and so enables the day

    push and pull: the struggle that creates the fabric
       the fabric that sifts through the liquid moments
          the moments that remain over time

               the people that change the mind
                the mind that changes the thoughts
               the thoughts that change the one

       the water roars toward the shore, swift and strong
    the water glides back to its mass, apologetic and sullen

the day recedes and so enables the night

One more season we pass through
Remaining me, remaining you
While some things never change
Others are set in an opposite motion
Hurtling continuously, inevitably, inherently toward "change"
I know we'll never be the same now just as we will never be who we were at the end of summer. But winter is coming and spring and I can't we to see who we become. Who we've been. Who we are. I'm fine with change so long as you remain constant in this change with me. Love you dearly, love you often. Happy months happy time happy season

I can feel my heart rate slowing
my thoughts caught between going a million miles a minute and lounging in the tempered water of those smarter than me
I am simultaneously comforted and overstimulated by this modern artist who attempts to explain himself in a media foreign to him: words
His reality exists in color fields and weathered linen
In re-stretched canvas and the gentle pull of paint layering itself before him in a matter so beautiful that he's afraid to **** it-ignoring the fact that he's bringing it into existence
To see his work and grasp a whisp of what it is he is trying to convey
This is my drug of choice
To be drunk on the sobering reality that we equally overthink the merging of memories and hapinstances and movement; light and shadow, tints tones and hues, a balance between respect for what the art is trying to do and trying all the while to control it in a manner that it may capitalize on its investment in itself-on our investment
of time, of thought, of failures its taken to get here, of learning
Why would I go searching for something to stimulate my mind when it's nearly 3AM and I can't get it to stop?  Nor do I desire to make it stop
May I be strung out on this gift all the days of my life

in the spinning circles of mass disorder
and the emotions that run rampant

in the inconsistency of the love I deserve
and the ones who want to love me but can't yet

in the influences that taint my blood and mind and will
the caffeine, the smoke, the alcohol that sits for days distilled

in the fluidity of these numbered days
and memories only made beautiful because they're gone

in the never ending collapsing of one thing into the next
with my bewildered mind never escaping from itself to get some rest

Within the whirlwind that is my life right now I am anchored, I am humbled, I overflow with gratitude that in all the inconsistency He waits for me the same.  The sameness in His presence; the unchanging, unwavering, unalterable presence that is Him.
He will always love me; always forgive me.
He waits.
And in the shakiness of growing up, He gives me stability.

piling warm loads of laundry on my bed falling asleep with you amongst the miss matched socks and wrinkling jeans feeling like everything can wait

Crash break sleep take
My heart and make it your's too
One in the same, melt, weld, stain
All my thoughts and memories and love
Melt into all the forms of love that I give and receive, ebb and flow
you and I
Til that's all that I know
So encompassing
Promising taunting and teasing
Miss me kiss me and stay just a little longer for a little while once again and again the day after and again and again
I will always want to play with you
To chase you
I will always love you for making me this way
For showing me it was there all along
For helping me discover a part of me I didn't know existed

spring runs at night
when the air feels like summer night air
air that's been warmed up by the sun and then left to be consumed by stars and darkness
it always reminds me of night swimming
in summer night water
because you hit these patches of cold and warm when the air or water can't decide which it will concede to in the time of transition

I don't know how to matter to you

professor told me the chemicals and minerals in this paint could leach toxins into my skin if I let it stay on the surface there
but the way I see it I've picked my poison
either it's paint on my skin or you on my mind

night hiking:
pro:
-if you're at a steep part of the trail, your headlamp will only illuminate what's in front of you-there's no knowing when it will stop being so hard and so the leveling of the ground beneath your feet is more often that not a welcomed friend rather than a long anticipated and frustratingly far relief
con:
-while ignorance can be bliss, missing out on the view can be a ******

day hiking:
pro:
-the flood of light is intoxicatingly beautiful and you can see everything around you in the incandescent sunlight.  No illusions
con:
-no illusions

I harbor a profound appreciation for humans out there in the world that shatter the silence.  If you've met or heard of them-if you've shared an environment, a conversation, a moment.  There are people in this world that don't speak for the sake of speaking, to be heard by others, or even themselves.  They don't seek to fill the silence.  Rather the silence holds a mass all it's own and the spilling of their words into the already filled space causes this overflow-this unrest in the space occupied.  Their thoughts and sounds and words drop like smoothed stones into a body of silenced water-with rippling affects seemingly infinite.  They acknowledge that silence and expression are not juxtaposed but would in fact be non existent without the other.  Silence and there lack of.

he walks around suburban streets afraid of breaking things; toys, bones, lives
she sees herself as the problem because that's all her mother ever yelled at her within paper thin new development plaster
they get it implanted deep inside them somewhere along the way that everything they touch is tainted and I don't know how to enable them to see the radiance that is exuded by the things they presumabely ruin